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Asun86

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I just wanted to ask a question to the forum that I had wondered for a long time and it's about not wanting children.

 

I have never ever wanted children and really don't think I ever will, I guess I like the company of animals better and stupidly I did wonder if this is something to do with Aspergers, do people with Aspergers syndrome generally shy away from the idea of becoming a parent ?

 

My main reasons are the noise of children (I must sound grumpy :D) and the attention they need and also bring from others, I don't believe I would be a good father anyway as I guess I would impose some of my Aspergers traits and leave a child socially neglected due to my own social fears.

 

I see a few people on the forum are parents with Aspergers, I know everyone on the spectrum is slightly different but that seem's like a massive thing to over come when you have Aspergers to deal with yourself, I guess for some without being rude, children weren't planned and you just have to do your best and end up doing a good job because of your Love for the child.

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Hello Asun86,

 

Being a parent, I feel I can relate to everything you have said. The hardest things about having a newborn for me were:

the attention they need and also bring from others,

 

People turning up on the doorstep even when you've told everyone you know that you need a few days alone with the baby...being constantly tired and irritable, and having to put something else ahead of the routines and coping strategies you usually need. Quiet time, gone. I personally get grumpy and anxious if i'm thirsty. That had to change. I often don't have time for my own needs anymore. I do indeed find it incredibly hard. I would not realistically be able to cope with more than one. I have a very good baby, everyone says it. And once she got into a good routine, that helped, because it gives me routine, although i always edge to the obsessive...and need to be reminded often that timings and activities do not need to be so rigid in structure, and certainly not the same each and every day!

 

On the other hand, my best friend and someone else I used to be close to do not have aspergers and do not want children at all. They are both happily settled, both in their 30's, and have no maternal instict at all. One still likes to party, and the other focusses on career and her home and hobbies...I always wanted children. My life would not have been complete without our little girl, and we tried for 3 years before i got pregnant so she was definately planned.

 

I don't know if it's an aspergers trait, but I always believe i am capable of great, amazing and difficult things...and then when i am faced with carrying it out in reality, i find i am actually a creature of habbit and cannot cope at all. I've taken jobs in foreign countries for example, moved there, and returned within 2 weeks each time. So how have i coped with a baby? Well it helps to have a supportive partner, I cannot imagine how single parents cope. And even with him around, i've still broken down in tears on the kitchen floor during a night feed, i've taken up smoking again, i've let her see negative emotional states from time to time and felt very guilty afterwards, and i've had to limit evening visitors to no more than once a week or i simply will not cope....and mostly, they just get frozen pizza. She doesn't get to interact with other children because i can't take her to toddler groups, and also i'm afraid of her catching something from them because we didn't get her immunised and she's been very poorly in the past so i can't risk another stay in hospital and the stress of nearly losing her again.

 

Hopefully, I won't damage her too much, but like you, it is a question i've been asking myself lately. Can a child have a parent like me and not be affected by it? There are other parents on this site, Lyndalou for example, who have kids also, and since joining the site, that has brought me loads of comfort. If they can do it, maybe i can too.

 

On a hugely positive note, my child has taught me why people show affection. It's a piece of the puzzle that was needed in my life. Basically, she has taught me what love is and how it's supposed to feel. That in itself in an incredible reward. She makes me so happy. And i feel more secure as a family rather than a couple.

Edited by Merry

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I think this is a really interesting topic. I think (after a lot of thought) that it is entirely possibly to be a wonderful parent, and have Asperger's. Well, I think this in theory, however, I have a fairly low opinion of myself, and would worry hugely that I, myself, wouldn't handle it. I would desperately hope that if I had a child "everything would fall into place" and that my maternal instincts would help me overcome the hurdles of the necessary social interaction, Mums in the playground type stuff I'd have to encounter if I had a child, but I'm absolutely terrified that I would fall short and ruin my child. I also had a long period of resenting my parents for acknowledging that they both had several instances of mental illness in their family histories (not that AS is a mental illness, this is more concerned with my depression and anxiety) and they still went on and had children, seemingly not caring that they could pass on those genes to their children. On my bad days, I still resent my brother and sister for not being the ones the "bad genes" were passed onto. But I know it's not just about inheriting genes, it's which ones are expressed etc etc, and in the end, it's a roll of the dice. I thought my parents selfish for having children, but I now believe that you can have children with 101 mental / physical illnesses, and they can still live a fulfilled life, or you can have a "perfect on paper" child, whose life is entirely miserable. I also, last year, had a go at being a step-parent, foolishly thinking that the skill-set needed for biological parenthood would be the same as being a step-parent. I now believe this not to be true. For my partner, whatever abhorrant things his children ever did, fundamentally, he would always love them, but for me, that primal, biolgical "protect my offspring" instinct wasn't there, and this really upset me and made me very sad, and jealous, actually, that I couldn't feel it, no matter how much I wanted to, for his and their sakes. :(

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well I can say I am similar, I do not want children. I feel like if I cannot care for myself IE Mental health then I couldnt care for the child and probably may have the child taken from me for protection if anything happens during my highs and lows. Then again I also like babies i go aww there so cute, but I wouldnt cope. I did similated babies and could not handle it, i did paper work in child care at special school and made baby food though. I do however know parents who are autistic themselves and have autistic children as well.

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I think its very responsible to say that you don't want children,there are far too many people out there who have children who are not wanted. By admitting you do not want children it means you can be more resposible and cautious.

 

One thing I would say is these types of feelings are had by many people who do not have ASD just the same as there are people with ASD who do want/have kids whom they care for very well indeed.I personally go through alot of stress when having a child,always wondering if I can afford to have another baby and worrying about the future,now even more so that I have two with ASD. I don't think anyone could claim to be a good parent if they did'nt have these worries.

 

We can also never predict what kind of parents we would be until we have had a child,in fact even though I have children I cannot rate myself as a parent as they are still relatively young. Its a constant learning process being a parent. I know many people who have said they would never have children but in their later years go on to foster or adopt. The positive of this is that you do not get a newborn baby,you can be slightly selective and chose the age group which you may prefer,say from age 10. The impact you can have on a childs life can be amazing and some people surprise themeselves as they believe they will not cope but often having a child means we cope better in more ways as we know we have someone else to care for. I definatley feel I take better care of myself and do more positive things since having children.

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I would agree with that, Justine1, I find having a baby takes my mind off of myself and my own worries a lot, makes me do more positive things too. I have definately been more mentally `healthy` since having a child. Whenever I feel really low and bad, it helps to think how lucky my little girl is to have such an ultra normal and fantastically funny and loving daddy. So she'l be okay I think!

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I never wanted children and even now have no maternal instincts. However, my first husband desperately wanted three and after 11 years of arguing about this I had my son and he's the best thing to ever happen to me. After splitting up from his father (being a parent wasn't what he had expected) I was a single parent for 7 years and my son became my best friend as he got older. He gave me lots of confidence to do things I wouldn't have dared do before and it was my son who first recognised I had Asperger's. I couldn't have coped with more than 1 child but I am so happy I had my son.

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rufusrufus, i thought what you had to say was really interesting. It's odd...I've always liked kids, as like you, it was my career path. It was something i tried so hard at for so long but couldn't succeed because of my own faults. Some of the kids are special-you know, the ones you always remember...But if i were told to pick one out of the crowd to have as my own and love forever, well, like adoption i guess, I don't know if it would feel right at all. LOVE. - That's the issue. Do you struggle with the actual process or feeling of love? Did you always question yourself about what it is and how you're supposed to experience it? Do you find you asking yourself if you really love a person, or just really need them? That's been a problem for me with everyone I've ever known, until i met my own little girl. Aspergers gets in the way in these sorts of things, i think. Sometimes i am overjoyed with emotion for my husband. Other times, i have to try really really hard to feel anything at all, and often, can't switch my feelings on. It's like i'm dead inside. That's nothing to do with him, and doesn't mean i don't love him, in fact, i've always been that way and it's always been upsetting. What's the difference between a child you give birth to, and one who is yours by a different means? I would be offending anyone who thinks there is no difference...but to me there is, because my own baby is the only one who i truly get an understanding of love from, all the time. It's a nice feeling. I feel sad for you, that you couldn't force it. Don't think i could have, either.

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rufusrufus, i thought what you had to say was really interesting. It's odd...I've always liked kids, as like you, it was my career path. It was something i tried so hard at for so long but couldn't succeed because of my own faults. Some of the kids are special-you know, the ones you always remember...But if i were told to pick one out of the crowd to have as my own and love forever, well, like adoption i guess, I don't know if it would feel right at all. LOVE. - That's the issue. Do you struggle with the actual process or feeling of love? Did you always question yourself about what it is and how you're supposed to experience it? Do you find you asking yourself if you really love a person, or just really need them? That's been a problem for me with everyone I've ever known, until i met my own little girl. Aspergers gets in the way in these sorts of things, i think. Sometimes i am overjoyed with emotion for my husband. Other times, i have to try really really hard to feel anything at all, and often, can't switch my feelings on. It's like i'm dead inside. That's nothing to do with him, and doesn't mean i don't love him, in fact, i've always been that way and it's always been upsetting. What's the difference between a child you give birth to, and one who is yours by a different means? I would be offending anyone who thinks there is no difference...but to me there is, because my own baby is the only one who i truly get an understanding of love from, all the time. It's a nice feeling. I feel sad for you, that you couldn't force it. Don't think i could have, either.

 

In some ways, a work environment with kids is easier, because you get to give them back at the end of the day! In a school / nursery or whatever, there's structure and rules, you're there for a practical purpose, whereas being a parent / step-parents is lot more vague - everyone has their own ways of doing things, routines etc, and it's open-ended. You have day after day of finding stuff to do with the kids, there's no let up, no break, no saying "it's not my problem" when things go wrong, because it is our problem! I think it's possible to love a child that's not your own, lots of people do adopt, foster or take on step-children and genuinely love them, but for me, I'd panic that I'd never feel for them the way I'm "supposed" to - whatever that is! In my analytical brain, what's to stop me from waking up one morning and thinking "Oh... this isn't what I want, I don't love this child any more, I want out." In fact I even worry about that when considering having my own children. There's supposed to be this strong biological link between a mother and her child, but what if it just doesn't happen for me? That terrifies me. I hope and pray that if I had a baby, that bond would be there, and it would eclipse everything else, but part of me always says "What if?" - it's a big gamble to take, when I could really mess up a child if the gamble doesn't pay off. I guess the concept of love (be it parental love of romantic love) is so built up in the NT media, that I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling that way, or if my unique Aspie version of love would be adequate or enough.

Do I struggle to feel love etc? Well I've only known for sure that I'm Aspie for a short while, so before that I didn't realise that my perception of love could be different from an NT's. Looking back over my life, I seem to fall in love hard and fast. Mixed in with the love though, is a sense of gratitude, because I tend to feel like no-one would want me if they knew the "real" me, so I end up being a total doormat! Heh. It is hard to find a balance between wanting, loving and needing someone. I think I'm getting better at recognising the differences, but it's still really hard. If someone is nice to me, I want them around, and start to feel like I need them in order to feel good about myself. That's not the same as love, but often it's easier to stay with someone than be on your own :s With me, I never know how much of what I feel is genuine, and what's coloured by depression, anxiety, and now Asperger's. I have no idea if what I feel is similar to anything a NT person would experience, or someone who doesn't suffer from depression and anxiety. I often feel numb though and can't switch my feelings on, everything's just grey and I just have no interest in anything or anyone. I always thought that was the depression though.

I guess the difference between your own child and another is that strong biological bond that exists because that child has grown inside you. A big part of me would really like my own children one day, honestly I would, but at the moment I just can't convince myself that I'd be good enough.

Don't feel too sad for me though, I learned a lot about myself from that experience, a lot of valuable lessons! :)

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I never wanted children particularly either and when I was pregnant I really, really wished that I wasn't! I remember all the other mums-to-be couldn't wait for their babies to arrive but I never wanted mine to come out at all, I was terrified. I wasn't a good mother at all for a long time, I wished I hadn't had him and I felt he'd be better off without me. For many years I blamed my poor mothering for his ASD, but I did improve. Now, I think I am a very good mother, it has taken me a long time, though, but I got there in the end! Having my son has made me a better person. He is the best thing to have happened to me but also the hardest. I still blame myself sometimes for his problems but all I can do now is to be the best mum I can be and hope to make up for it. I wouldn't be without him.

 

~ Mel ~

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I've only just been diagnosed and my son is now 9. I desperately wanted a child but, at the same time, I knew I'd need help because of a history of anxiety and depression. I have a supportive husband, I grabbed help wherever I could, and I did love my little boy from the outset - which helps. There's no guarantee that you'll love your child when he or she arrives, whether you have ASD or not. I did every I could, consciously, to promote my son's emotional and social wellbeing, because - without knowing what it was about me at the time - I knew my development had been delayed in those areas and I wanted to give him the best possible start. He has his own anxieties, but so far - touch wood - he seems to be doing well - which may be nature rather than nuture, I don't know. I suppose what I'm saying is, if you know that you have difficulties, and are honest with yourself about it, and get help where you can, that should give your child a good chance of thriving. And no parents are perfect - humans are so complex, and we don't come with operating manuals, everyone's bound to make a few mistakes along the way.

And I should always add that children are not compulsory - there are many, many other worthwhile things a person can do with her time, or her life!

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I like the idea of "it takes a whole village to raise a child" - so long as I had a village around me, I'd like to think I stood a chance of doing ok! :P But, being Aspie, I'm not always terribly good at keeping people around me. Certainly when I was trying to be a step-mum, I approached it very much in a scientific way: if you set down these rules, the children will behave in this way, and then everything will be fine, but it's much more complicated than that, and my brain just couldn't work out contingency plans etc for when things didn't go how I thought they should! The kids zoned in on how vulnerable I was, despite the "I know what I'm doing" front I tried to put on, and they went for the proverbial jugular. Yeah, so fingers crossed it'd be different with my own child! :)

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I think it's a very different relationship with your own child: you start out together right at the beginning of the process, and to some extent you shape each other. Step-children - in fact all children - can go for the jugular if they feel like it, whether their victim has AS or not.

And some of my the people in my personal child-raising village were there professionally or as volunteers: doctor, health visitor, befrienders from Home Start and a local branch of Mind. If you feel that you need help, you (and your child) have every right to ask for it, and to get it.

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