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sawjd

headteacher verbally abusive/says i can legally smack and drag my child to school

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Hello everyone, a bit of long one but please read on makes interesting reading.

 

Our k is currently off school because of fear because/and of constant soiling. This has been proved by GOSH,and doctors letters saying our k is sore as he has difficultiy in wiping himself. The school according to headteacher is just out of special measures and we are currently in the process of going to tribunal date set January 30th. Now our k is refusing to go to school and his anxiety over work and his bowels and the way they manage him and their (school) lack of understanding all came to a head today.

 

We want a change of school and we put this in tribunal back in july. We want the statement changed aswell and quite frankly the headteacher lost it with me today and screamed at me '(slammed down her pen and screamed how dare i say we are not meeting his needs as he has not been in school this past month) i of course was referring to before the summer as the school was not coping and they lied they were coping. She is furious that our k has not started back at school. They think that k and us are playing on his bowel situation and that we are making him anxious. This is exactly what she ACCUSED US OF

and what she said WE CAN DO.

 

she accused us of

 

 

making him anxious and talking about his anxieties

putting to much pressure on him

failing to get him in on time and causing a bigger gap in his education (he is anxious in the mornings)

not being firm with him.

 

also she said that he is fine at school even though the school rang to say he is unwell and he faked it and we have evidence on cd to send to tribunal telling us he lied.

 

She also said the following

 

Her staff won't be dragging our k to school when he refuses. They will not come and pick him up. K is 10 this october.

 

Its up to us to drag him in and its OK TO SMACK HIM AS ITS LEGAL SO LONG AS I DON'T USE AN IMPLEMENT.

 

She refused to listen or watch the stuff on the disc. Our k is sore and has trouble wiping his bottom, he is angry they keep putting down a colour as he struggles with literacy and there is nothing in place to help him deal with sports day and parties and assemblies. They want to know in writing from professionals as to why he cannot be educated in school.

 

 

According to someone i spoke with today, they said so long as we have asked for a change of school we are not seen to be refusing school and therefore should avoid prosecution. In the meantime what are we meant to do.

 

K has been to the other school and likes it and i know its not about liking its about him feeling safe.

 

The headteacher has verbally commented (i said i want this in writing) that should k have so much soil running down his leg she will personally change him even though she said that no staff are allowed to touch him. She then went on to say do you think we would really let him sit in soiled clothes. Yet he won't change his own clothes for PE.

 

There seems no end to this. I want to complain that she screamed at me, there was no need for that at all, i told her i have trouble dragging him to school and she told me if i get him in everyday for two weeks he will be fine. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS WOMAN. We had trouble getting him into the other school because of the dressing up issuses and school plays and school trips. We moved school so we could drag him to this school because its closer but we can't do it anymore. This has been like it for two years at this school and the previous school.

 

This headteacher does not even say hello when i go to pick k up from school, she says hello to all other parents. They don't understand about trust, our trust and ks trust has been broken by this school and i can only tell them what he says on the quiet to me. They accused me not just the headteacher of making him anxious by putting ideas in his head, they asked does he say he is anxious to you or do you suggest things. He is anxious when it comes to anything with school trips, events. I can't believe this headteacher says i am putting him under too much pressure and that i can legally smack him.

 

If i can complain and i so want to, reading others efforts the response has been 'they all heads and teachers stick together. Now this school has put in place separate toilets with individual locks that k can have a key to that the class teacher can have also the toilet is on the same floor as his classroom. This does not solve the issues around dressing up and events and parties, the SENCO said we can't stop having parties for the children, DID WE ASK THEM TO course not.

 

well thats it, on my leaving i said whats going to happen on monday if he is refusing again, the headteacher said you will bring him in. I said hopefully, no she said you will bring him. If only they had told this to us before about the toilets and being refurbished i could have told k and felt more positive about him going back, they could have told us of the plans around toilets. K has got it in to his head that he is not going back. I cannot physically get him dressed he is ten almost in two weeks time, i asked the head you expect me to keep doing this she said yes and i said i am not willing to be kicked anymore.

 

so now what ?

 

anyone, can anyone help,

many thanks

 

sarni

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Next meeting take two dictaphones into the meeting and record everything. Give a copy to the LA and keep one yourself.

 

As this meeting has now passed. Write up your notes for the meeting and send a copy into school of what she said to you and submit a copy as your evidence at tribunal - especially the recommendation to smack him. Was anyone there from the parent partnership or any other professional such as SALT or EP?

 

Ask someone from the PP to attend meetings because they are witnesses, or a friend, or your partner. Record all meetings from now on.

 

I can guarantee you 100% that if you put a dictaphone on the table she will clam up. Or if she doesn't you have fantastic evidence that your parental choice of school is the only one that can meet his needs.

 

Stop worrying about her. Just get it all on paper.

 

You can also ask your school for their complaints procedure and send in a complaint letter to the Head of the Governors.

 

Was the meeting just you and the Head?

 

Don't be intimidated by her. Next time she says something like that just ask her straight "so your recommendation on how to encourage and support a child with ASD with anxiety and toiletting issues is to smack him when he refuses to comply?" Honestly this is gold dust if she is saying these things. You need it recorded and on paper.

Edited by Sally44

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Hi , just a quick reply and it might not be what you want to hear.You are really gonna have to get him in school.Even if its just an hour a day and you work up to doing more.Going to Tribunal and winning would be easier for you if you had complied with the school shown your attempts to make things work etc....and then the placement had failed.I know there are alot more issues going on here but you,ll have to give the schools new provision (toilets etc ) a chance in order for you to prove they do not work....................does that make sense?.........my worry for you is you,ve got till Jan to wait for tribunal and if he does,nt have any schooling in that time its gonna reflect badly on you and may support the schools belief that you are making him anxious etc.I,m really worried for you .The school sound very difficult but I think you are gonna have to try and comply with their wishes...if only to prove that they will fail.

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I agree with what Suze is saying, BUT at the same time you need in writing advice from somewhere like Clinical Psychology on the methods you should use to get him into school. Obviously smacking isn't an option. But once you have in writing that you should use 'gente encouragement' [which is what ClinPsych wrote to me], then you know that is not going to work because the child's fear and anxiety is too high. Then you have to have further meetings with school, who may ask any other professional and the LA to attend, to come up with another reintroduction to school plan. Again, keep batting the ball back to them and asking them what is 'the plan' etc. My LA came up with 2 x 1.5 hour sessions with a specialist teacher. She used to turn up at the house and take him to a different school. Some days he agreed to go, other days he refused. Often he was back home within an hour after demanding to go home or after becoming too distraught. We had to endure that from about 9 months. So when we had the Tribunal we could say that the LA had tried to reintroduce him back into school and we had not made any progress in 9 months. The Tribunal Panel therefore decided that their opinion was that he would never agree to return to his former school due to his experiences there.

 

It is very hard to appear to be working with school/LA and professionals. You most definately do not want to give them any evidence that you were awkward or refused things.

 

So it is a fine line. Best to keep your mouth shut and just gather your evidence, and keep batting any questions about "what you want" back to them by saying "it is not about what I want, it is about my son being happy to go into school, to be able to learn and retain that learning and become a useful member of society." and "I was expecting that YOU would be telling ME what you intend to do/provide." So don't be drawn by their questions.

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Clinical Psychology also wrote that my son needed to know that when he asked to leave an environment it had to be acted on and that he was NOT to be encouraged to stay any longer. They felt that alot of his anxiety was around his feelings of lack of control and not being listened to which had caused chronic levels of high anxiety.

 

So what I did was teach my son a hand sign language that meant "home", and we agreed with the special teacher that if he used that sign [as sometimes he was unable to even speak], she was to bring him back home immediately. And on the whole she did do that.

 

We did have times when my son refused to go with her because he said "I can't take it and she won't let me come home", and when I asked the teacher she agreed that she had 'encouraged' him to stay longer when he was insisting on leaving. So he refused to go with her for some time until she promised to him that she would bring him home if he said he needed to leave. I just put that in my evidence.

 

When a child has such a high level of anxiety, those professionals working with him have to give very clear instructions on what other teaching or therapy staff should or should not do. So it is essential you get advice from ClinPsych.

Edited by Sally44

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Just wanted to add, that the fact the Specialist Teacher had not followed the advice/instructions of Clinical Psychology was very useful in our case too - as it again proved a need for everyone to be on site and singing from the same hymn sheet to deliver a cohesive plan.

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