"Partner" of someone with Aspergers

[Black4]

I started communicating with this man via a website in July/August. The written correspondence was great and we decided to meet up - early in September. Upon meeting for the 1^st time he told me that he had mild Aspergers. I must admit, although I had heard of it, I had no real idea of what it is. He also told me that, due to going through a very very nasty divorce (he has been separated 2 years) he was not ready for a relationship.

 

At the time of meeting he was working and written communication was good and regular - several times daily. He works as a contractor and since he has been at home with no job, it seems that communication is a burden for him. We went away together for a week last week. I felt that it went well and he told me at the end of the week that I had made him very happy. It transpired during the holiday that he hadn’t read all of my emails. But since coming back, communication seems to have gone back to what it was prior to it. Knowing now that he doesn’t read all of my emails makes me feel very uncomfortable to send him emails with what I do. I feel that he is not going to be interested and therefore not read them. When he does answer it is only replies to my questions – most of the time – and seems not to be interested in my life as he asks no questions. Yesterday, I asked him if he was planning on going to see a certain film with somebody to which he replied that he would go and see it during a weekday time. Due to our respective geographical locations and the fact that I am working makes it impossible for us to go together. I have replied to him to let me know if it is good but felt really upset. When we returned from holiday he did not even emailed me for over a day, and when it did so it was only 1 phrase. I replied that I "got the message" and wished him good luck in life. His reply was one of someone shocked and wanting to carry on communicating. He is still looking for an other job and for the 1st time ever, he actually emailed me spontaniously last week to tell me he had an interview. He is still awaiting the answer.

 

I feel at times that he is only using me as and when he needs somebody to “talk” to or do something and he is not interested if I need or want something. I seem to always be the one instigating communication. During the holiday he went from referring to me as a friend to a girlfriend on several occasions, ie one minute I was a friend the next a girlfriend then a friend again etc.... I really like him but I really feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I am not sure if he is just playing and I am a total fool (I have come out of a 21 yrs relationship in Feb so kind of new to the dating game again....) or if these are traits of Aspergers. I would be very grateful if someone could give me their views. Thank you very much in advance.

B4 x

[justine1]

Hi

 

Most of what you mention with regards to the lack of communication or it being on his terms, as well as the mis-intepretation of things are most definatley part of ASD/aspergers.

However you have to ask yourself if it was someone who does not have aspergers would you accept the behaviour? I am not saying he is wrong but you may have expectations in a relationship that you just won't meet due to his aspergers or in fact it could just be his personality,as you do get people who do not communicate that much who do not have aspergers.

 

You may want to read up on aspegers,try the NAS website, and after reading everything you will have an idea of what to expect from the relationship. Then prehaps decide if its still worth pursuing. There are ways to adapt to make it work,for example instead of emailing everyday or alternate day why not do one email at the end of the week highlighting just the important info,make it brief(not long winded) and in short paragraphs,this may help him to "digest" the info easier. But ultimatley you must decide if you are willing to make certain compromises/adaptations to maintain the relationship.

[In Exile]

Hi, B.

 

When you responded to your partner's one-line message by saying you got the message and wished him good luck in life, it's likely that you didn't get the message at all! If he has AS, he probably doesn't play games. Many aspies struggle to maintain friendships and relationships because they are content to go for unsettlingly long periods with minimal communication and this can be easily misread as disinterest. Also, many aspies find the small talk that is common in frequent messaging to be pointless. This isn't a reflection on you, it's just that we often find it difficult to know how to respond meaningfully or appropriately to inconsequential banter (if that's what it was).

 

Inevitably you will take a view on your compatibility. Whether you do so in the light of his AS and the associated social shortcomings is, of course, your choice. His behaviour is probably a manifestation of his AS rather than an indicator of his thoughts about you. This may or may not make it any easier for you to handle emotionally. In general, aspies have fewer friendships and relationships than neurotypicals. Go figure.

[In Exile]

In the interests of balance, I should have added that there is, of course, a possibility that this man's interest in you has indeed waned. If so, this could be just a personal chemistry thing that is unrelated to his AS, or it could be a consequence of a strong desire for personal space and solitude which is common among aspies. The trouble is, we don't always want space and solitude but if we fail to keep up friendships and relationships during those periods, we find that when we want companionship or love, the people from whom we seek those things are no longer there.

Edited October 29, 2012 by In Exile

[Black4]

Thank you both for your responses.

 

Justine, thank you for the website name, I shall look it up shortly.

I agree that it is up to me to make the decision as to whether I would accept this behaviour Aspergers or not. When it comes to adaptation and compromises, I have no problem with that. Also, thank you for mentioning the idea of emailing just once a week. I do believe that events in life do not happened by accident and there is always a reason for it. I am rubbish at remembering “small” things or questions I might have, hence why emailing daily is easier for me, but maybe this is what I need in order to force myself to either just remember things or keep some kind of diary. Sadly, I have no problem remembering conversations that I am interested in.

 

In Exile,

You are correct, I may not have got his message at all. And my lack of confidence may play a big part in it and I need to learn to “listen” better and not take things the wrong way immediately and react but ask questions instead.

I know that I would have no problem with long periods of no communication. I only communicate with my best friend a few times a year – she currently lives on the other side of the world - and that is fine. But we have known each other many years and “trust” and “know” each other I guess. If that is what he wants then, indeed, I am not sure I could spend weeks or months waiting for him to contact me to then suddenly wanting to see me at short notice. Living alone, essentially for the 1^st time in my life, I need to plan things for the weekends as I still find them difficult to go through if I stay at home alone.

 

Thank you again both for your valuable comments

 

Bx

[SidiousUK]

I sometimes enjoy being with my friend and then go ages without contacting her..

My reason is that it seems to take me a long while to mentally recover from any interaction with people - Even her and I have know her for over 15 years.

 

Perhaps your friend is the same.

 

My friend has accepted that I have AS (diagnosed this year) and she just thought I was a little "weird"

[Mike_GX101]

Trouble is though Sidious - you have to put yourself in her shoes. What must it be like to be expecting some kind of reciprocity from a lover only to then not get any for ages? To most people that kind of reciprocity (i.e. none at all) would be like being "frozen out" which is equivalent to the message that the relationship is over.

 

So off they go feeling it's all over when suddenly in pops a text or in pops a knock on the door and look who it is - their ex! Or at least it is their ex(-partner) in their eyes. You're suddenly walking on egg shells because while you think you're still in a relationship they may not any longer. They think you've come to apologise but when you don't apologise and instead want to spend some time together they feel hurt. You then in turn feel the wrath of their anger and wonder "where did that come from?"

 

You're lucky to have communicated your needs to this woman Sidious and you're lucky she has the patience to stick around. Sadly not everyone sticks around long enough for the relationship to last. Learn the power of the unspoken side of relationships and you will be a better partner.