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LisaKaz75

5 year old aggressive towards me - help

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My 5 year old son started school in September

 

We have noticed big improvements and have been impressed with the school and everything that they have put into place for him. He is statemented for 32.5 hours (so full time, including lunch and break times). He has started to interact with others and for the first time is talking about other children in his class and things he has done with them!

 

However, when he gets home it all disintegrates into chaos. He does not want to talk, or interact and he gets very frustrated and aggressive. You ask him anything and he shouts "no" picks up the nearest thing and throws it at me very hard

 

I tend to try and leave him alone for a while as I think he is tired after school, but he just goes wild. Running around, screaming and shouting for no apparent reason

 

If i tell him no, or try and stop him wrecking the house, he storms up to me to kick or hit. Even if his dad disciplines him he just comes straight over to me to be violent

 

What can i do. Often he is in tears as he does it! it seems more frustration than anything, but I cant see any triggers and in the meantime I am getting black and blue!

 

He always says sorry (but I think its cos he knows its expected) then 5 mins later he does the same again

 

Any suggestions??

 

LisaKaz

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Your husband disciplines so your child comes to you to lash out, then the answer is clear, be the wall your husband is and show your child he is not getting away with bad behaviour, because if he does, you will become the punch bag, the soft target to hit for evermore. How that translates in later life is you will be to blame for everything and everything not your fault, because your child has learned from an early age you are the punch bag, the close human he can take out all his frustrations on.

 

No one ever said parenting was going to be easy.

 

The question everyone has to ask themselves is , is autism an excuse for bad behaviour ?

Edited by Sa Skimrande

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Schools and experienced teachers are good at creating environments which are well structured and organised. Kids associate with these regimes and respond by controling their behaviour. For example a couple of weeks back my partner a very experienced SENCO went around to a home to get a child into school and the parents said the second she walked through the door everything changed he ran upstairs, got ready and dressed and came down grabbed a bit of breakfast no problem whatsoever climbed into the car and was fine at school all day. My partner said as soon as she walked through the door of the house she was well aware of what was happeneing a few minutes earlier the state of the house and the parents face told her that.

 

In this case the child simply through association falls into a way of behaving. What i will say and my partner will fully recognise this and that is this is not sustainable 24/7. For individuals with ASD there is massive pressure to maintain these levels of control for a few hours. I know because I am one of those people. At times we need the space to simply let go, we are a pressure cooker which has a lot of built up energy in it and it needs to be let out bit by bit.

 

I agree violent behaviour is not the answer but it is a very quick solution for an individual. Personally I run or play intense computer games and just let it go that way. I would suggest you need to give him the space to let go in a 'constructive' way. He has just been through a very intensive experience, how he relates to it is not how the average kid would relate to or how you might. Simply think about having a very stressful day of your own and magnifying that by five or ten and how would you want people to behave towards you. If he is left alone running around screaming and shouting as long as he is not damaging stuff leave him to it until things come back into balance for him. Because that is what we are trying to achieve a level of 'balance' which feels right. When we are involved in that process and people are coming in with things and we are simply not ready to deal with them, things such as your tea is on the table it just makes things more complex.

 

As I have got older i am 47 now i have learnt to develop better techniques and I can come down from a stressful experience in stages and with a lot of control. When I was five I was a handful. By the age of about 7 or 8 I was the kid who would climb onto the roof of our terraced house, I would sit there and calm down and let things settle, it was my place and my space. I would come in blasting through the front door through the kitchen into the yard, onto the coal bunker and onto the kitchen roof. If it wasn't working I would go up the drain pipe and up to the apex of the roof and sit next to the chimney stack which was often warm in winter. The only real issue was picking the pointing out of the brickwork at times.

 

I would suggest the house might not always bee the best chill down environment. Often they are warm, full of bright lights and noise from TV's etc. Maybe the thing to do is go for a walk with him in a safe place away from traffic no contact no talking just respect his space and let him transition and get used to what is going to come next. See this not as school time and home time rather 'transition' time. I swim a fair bit as part of my training. If I just get into the pool and go into my session the first 20 lengths are difficult. So what i do is get into the pool and exhale all the air from my lungs and just lie on the bottom for a wile feeling the water, getting used to the sensations on my skin, get used to being hrizontal. I do this for a minute or two and then I am ready. The transition activity is over and I go into my training session. At the end of the session I do the same as preperation for exiting the pool and continuing with my day. Treat this as a transition issue and about getting him to change mindsets and I think you will make progress it will take time and experimentation but you will get there.

 

Whe we were foster carers with some very emotionally challenging kids we had this sort of issue all the time, they all had their transitions processes and each was very different. Some involved dog walking, or going to a park to kick a football. Another was a cheap electronic drum pad another was sorting out the fish tank. When you find out what works you look at the child and can understand why it works, at the start when you are on the other side trying to figure things out it is difficult, ask him for his own ideas that might be a good starting point.

 

Just a few thoughts.

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My son's teacher said to me the other day that he always puts in 110% at school (her words). He is definitely very tired now at home with the end of term and Christmas round the corner and definitely acting up more but his outbursts are normally quite short-lived and usually translate into being frustrated by something 'not working' or by being interrupted or touched. Before things escalate (where he is more likely to knock his sister over or scream/shout) he will be offered the opportunity to go to his room to have some time on his own. His room has nothing but his books in it, nothing electronic and I keep it completely tidy at all times so the stimulation is minimal. Normally, he chooses to hide under the covers for a while or he looks out the window which looks out onto trees. Then he is able to calm down and carry on.

 

Kids with ASD are perfectly capable of manipulation and playing parents off against each other whatever many people say on the subject but at this age frustration and mental fatigue are more likely the cause of the aggessive behaviour. He needs to know from NOW that violence is NOT acceptable. There may be a reason for it but there also should be a way of descalating or dealing with it too. His anger may actually be more focused on himself but you get in the way and catch the flak but he may actually be using aggression against you simply because he knows that ultimately you might back down if he pushes it far enough. It may also be the ultimate 'leave me alone!' and that too needs to be respected.

Edited by Lyndalou

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thanks for all that I need to have a good read through!

 

His violence is not condoned at all and I firmly accept that his behaviour should not be accepted because he is autistic. I think we need to look more closely at the root cause - often it seems he just wants to be left alone to line up his trains etc.. and does not want tea/ bath etc... but again he has to learn that he cant always have his own way

 

Interestingly, I mentioned this to his paediatrician and we have been recommended to go on a Cygnet parenting course (developed by Barnados). This is a 7 week programme for parents of children on the spectrum to go though issues faced at home, rather than at school setting. it says that it helps to understand the condition better and it offers practical strategies that you can use at home, as well as giving the opportunities to meet others in a similar position to share experiences

 

I am sure it wont have all the answers, but its great that we were listened to at the last paed appointment and its certainly worth attending if only to meet other parents in similar positions

 

LisaKaz

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Hi I've been through all the type of behaviours with my son Glen that you mentioned you are going through with your's. It isn't easy at all Glen still hits me each time he comes home to visit, sometimes worse than others. Glen also hits himself with extreme force on his face and on and around his eye, he looks like he's been in a boxing ring most of the time of late :-(

 

I hope the course works out for you, it will be great to meet other parents I wished I'd had that opportunity when my son was younger. Please keep in touch and let us all know on here how you are getting on. I wish you good luck.

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The Cygnet course is a good introduction to ASD :thumbs: .

 

I should have mentioned sensory issues in the previous post. These could also have a cumulative effect during the day if he has sensitivities to noise for instance. A busy school is going to press all his buttons. The mainstream school that my son would have been placed within was an open plan one and would have been a nightmare for him as there was just a constant 'buzz' of talking and the high ceilings meant that the noise was amplified. It might be worth going to your son's school and walking through, taking note of the noise levels and other sensory 'triggers' that might be affecting your son.

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My son is away at the moment (I wasn't going to mention it as I'm still getting over the shock) it all happened quite suddenly. He's in a hospital which specialises in autism, having a mental health assessment (the 2nd one in two years), he had to be committed under the mental health act due to his severe aggression, I didn't get a say in it as it's down to the eldest parent which is my ex. :-( , and the psychiatrist and doctor involved.

 

I hope all goes well for you Lynda and I hope and pray you never have to go through what I'm going through with my son at this time.

Edited by JeanneA

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i used to be older than son is now but used to come home from school release all days frustrations confusions all melt into one and boil over in safe secure environment there any chance you can make cool down calm area for him to settle and do activties he enjoys likes to do gelp him uneind and relax ?

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so much is expected @ school to behave act or do activities in certain way that take lot out of him in all areas may feel stressed & anxious throughout school maybe also talk through his school day how it went take him to park etc for him to also unwind! Anger normally physical sign of something going on much deeper does he have ooutside support? Of school! Emotional needs may not being met due to his ASD is he unhappy little boy? Every possibility needs to be explored!? X

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My son is away at the moment (I wasn't going to mention it as I'm still getting over the shock) it all happened quite suddenly. He's in a hospital which specialises in autism, having a mental health assessment (the 2nd one in two years), he had to be committed under the mental health act due to his severe aggression, I didn't get a say in it as it's down to the eldest parent which is my ex. :-( , and the psychiatrist and doctor involved.

 

I hope all goes well for you Lynda and I hope and pray you never have to go through what I'm going through with my son at this time.

So sorry to hear that you and Glen are having to go through this. I hope that the assessment shows the way forward for you and that the mental health team can get to the bottom of what is causing all the aggression quickly. :pray: It must be very hard for you to know you had no say in it either. Have you thought further about an advocate - it sounds like this might be the right time to get some help for yourself in this situation.

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Hi Lynda thanks so much for your message. Glen is doing quite well there, I'm impressed that it is a place that only specialises in autistic people, so they have much experience which is reassuring.

 

I do have an advocate for Glen I've had one for a few weeks now, she seemed fine at first, heard a lot from her, met her and she visited Glen at the care home but since he's been in hospital I've only heard from her once. I asked if she would visit Glen in hospital and she said she would and would let me know when she was going, but I've heard no more at all. I have emailed again but haven't as yet had a reply. I'm seriously thinking that it's just not working out with this advocate which is such a shame as she specialises in autism, she has an autistic son herself. So I thought I had found the perfect advocate for Glen. It maybe that I have to try and find another one which I could really have done without. I will keep you updated. I look forward to hearing how things go for you to. Take care

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You have a lot of good advice from people with a lot of experience from different perspectives and I hope they are of help to you. All I can add is this really needs to be addressed as soon as possible. It seems to me your son sees you as an acceptable punching bag but understands he can't do it to his dad. Please don't take this as a critisism but there is something making him believe he can get away with it with you, maybe because you are his safest haven where he can release pent up emotions. I think with professional help the reasoning for this needs to be identified and addressed as soon as possible. An aggressive 5 year old is hard enough but, a 10 year old, 15 year old, 20 year old? I really hope you all get to the bottom of it and resolve the behaviour as soon as possible before it becomes an ingrained behaviour.

 

Jeanne, once again not a lot I can say that's not already been said but thinking of you and sending you both my good wishes.

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Thanks dektra I appreciate your kind words. Hope you have a nice Christmas :-)

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Hope the parenting course helps you to understand it's anything but having our own ways.

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