Can it get worse?

[Happypanda]

How do I put this? My husband's behaviour is difficult but can it get worse with age? Or is it because I am becoming less tolerant?

[raydon]

There's not much information to go on Happypanda.

Have you figured out what is causing this behaviour?

It could be coping strategies that are not working too well

[robert7111a]

It could be either...so more information would be useful Happypanda

[Mandapanda]

Hi Happypanda

 

How old is he? Is he under any extra stress at the moment (work/financial/health wise)?

[Happypanda]

My husband is 62. He's never been formally diagnosed (will not see any medical professional if he can help it), but he displays classic characteristic features of someone with Aspergers. Things like small talks, meeting new people (quite difficult if we say, go on walking holidays) are always difficult. Routines are always strictly adhered to. He gets very annoyed with people if his rules are not being taken seriously. Throughout our marriage, there's very little show of emotion. Even when his dad and sisters died. When our marriage was going through a rough patch, I made him go to Relate with me. Three years later, he told me that the Relate event was the worst thing he ever had to do and hated it.

 

These are just a few things I can think of now. But the severity of these have got worse in the past four years. His emotional incompetence is worse than ever and the lack of empathy is becoming more difficult for me to overlook.

[raydon]

Who you are describing could be me, except I don't go on walking holidays.

 

From my perspective, I self diagnosed earlier this year, and have yet to find a way of letting my wife know, though I have confided in other members of the family who are medics. Having this "knowledge" has enabled me to tie together a lot of what I had previously thought were unrelated issues. To survive, I have developed coping strategies, most of them defensive. I am now opening up slowly as I realise what has happened. This is very much a work in progress for me, I am seeing a pyschologist next week and hopefully will be able to explore various options and strategies.

 

AS is very difficult to diagnose, it's symptoms are shared with other conditions, but crucially it is not acquired, it is a life long condition. I found reading about it, and interacting on this forum to be very beneficial.

 

If you have noticed a change in your husband it could be that you are more sensitive or that he is actually more extreme. You would need a third party who knows both of you to determine this.

 

You ask, will it get worse with age? I can't answer that. For me, I rarely have meltdowns now, but my sensitivities and the way I think won't change and I embrace that fact, but I have learnt to be more tolerant and less judgemental of others.

 

I would suggest introducing the idea to your husband and see if he relates to any of it.

[Sa Skimrande]

My husband is 62. He's never been formally diagnosed (will not see any medical professional if he can help it), but he displays classic characteristic features of someone with Aspergers. Things like small talks, meeting new people (quite difficult if we say, go on walking holidays) are always difficult. Routines are always strictly adhered to. He gets very annoyed with people if his rules are not being taken seriously. Throughout our marriage, there's very little show of emotion. Even when his dad and sisters died. When our marriage was going through a rough patch, I made him go to Relate with me. Three years later, he told me that the Relate event was the worst thing he ever had to do and hated it.

 

These are just a few things I can think of now. But the severity of these have got worse in the past four years. His emotional incompetence is worse than ever and the lack of empathy is becoming more difficult for me to overlook.

 

You have to ask yourself what do you hope to achieve if your husband was diagnosed, because there isn't any help for this thing and what's more it can actually be damaging to the person concerned in that it is like having a rug pulled sharply from under your feet, everything you used to be able to do suddenly becomes impossible through the fact you lose your confidence in everything through the official ASD programming - what you can't do as opposed to what you can.

 

But the above is not helping you I understand that, and the fact that you are here asking these questions displays the fact that you are very concerned for yourself which is totally understandable as you have to live with it and believe me I can't live with me most of the time it drives me nuts, but I am on my own and that is just the way it is like it or lump it and I do lump it, if I didn't have online forums to harass I would have gone completely nuts long ago.

 

I don't know what to suggest as the focus of this forum is ASD not the carers of and in carers I am meaning the parents of ASD kids and spouses of ASD where they apply, but I will suggest one thing and it may come over as cold perhaps, but we can be known for that, but I believe you have to do more for yourself in that get involved with things that interest you and perhaps spend more time apart in that the time apart will pique your husband's curiousity and he may become more attentive. But the focus is you bettering your life because I can understand how hard it is to live with me.

 

But perhaps if I am right in suggesting what I have, I am hoping others, parents and spouses of will chime in to help you further than I can.

[trekster]

The focus of this forum is for anyone with an interest in ASD to ask questions and to offer help and support to each other.

Originally it was set up by parents of ASD folk.

 

The amount of help you can get depends on a number of things where you live, what your income is (home care for example

is now chargeable) and what category your husband would be in under 'Fair' Access to Care Standards. As hes over 60

he could come under older persons service even wtihout an ASD diagnosis. You might be able to get support as a carer

(emotional support as it doesnt look like he's going to claim any disability benefits). Is there a local ASD parents of adults

support group? They normally have partners attending as well.

 

My mum is ASD in denial but this can be a problem for her especially when she expects others to do things her way. Lately she

has been much better but her voice can be quite loud. Her routine of going to bed at midnight can get a bit much for my brother

(who still lives with her) when hes got college but apart from that she doesnt really have any other routines.

 

i agree with what others have said about our ability to cope with ASD can get worse. Has the changes over xmas and the new year

been difficult for him maybe? i find the socialising can get a bit much but this year has been one of my best xmases in ages.

[Happypanda]

I do appreciate all that's been said. Perhaps not many spouses of ASD like to talk about this for fear of drawing attention drawn to themselves. Sa may have a point here - by letting him get on in his own way. We are both still working and if the behaviour worsens, I'd hate to think what retirement life would be like. However, life must go on and I will stay positive.

[darkshine]

.

Edited January 6, 2013 by darkshine

[Sa Skimrande]

I do appreciate all that's been said. Perhaps not many spouses of ASD like to talk about this for fear of drawing attention drawn to themselves. Sa may have a point here - by letting him get on in his own way. We are both still working and if the behaviour worsens, I'd hate to think what retirement life would be like. However, life must go on and I will stay positive.

 

Positivity is a good thing to have and a noble thought, but it can wear thin and you understand that no doubt, in which case you do need to be hedging your bets in that you need to have a life for you yourself beyond what may come. You could always give up what you do if things do not transpire as you fear but you have to have something for yourself just in case.

 

And so I appeal to the spouses and carers of, please advise this lady, ASD is more than those affected, for it affects everyone close.

[darkshine]

And so I appeal to the spouses and carers of, please advise this lady, ASD is more than those affected, for it affects everyone close.

 

People with AS should advise as we are in the best position to do so and she could enable us to be more aware of other people's feelings, which for those with friends, partners, colleagues, children etc could well learn how those people in our lives might feel about our behaviours.

[trekster]

anyone can advise provided they make allowances for the asd an explanation of their partners asd might help.

Edited January 7, 2013 by trekster

[jacklejacob]

i have not seemed to get worse as i get older and neither have the others in my family

[Sally44]

Would it help if you spelt out to him exactly what it is that you want him to say or do. Because if he is on the spectrum, then he is not being deliberately cold or lacking in showing empathy to hurt or annoy you. It is just how he is, and will always have been. If you asked him if he loved you, I presume he would say yes and he probably presumes that you love him and doesn't need to even ask you.

 

I think that people have to be happy in themselves and not really seek self fulfillment through other people. I've been with my husband now for 20 years. He isn't ASD, and he still drives me nuts sometimes! That is what being in a long term relationship is like.

 

Regarding lacking empathy, it is usually due to lack of imagination ie. not being able to imagine what you are thinking or feeling about certain things. If you told him how things made you feel or think, then he would have something specific to have empathy about.

 

My son can appear to be the most selfish and self-centered person there is on one day. And on the next he will show me that he is aware of me and what I am telling him, but his interpretation is often very literal. For example, I had promised to take him to a toy shop for him to spend some of his christmas money. Having promised this, he wanted me to take him the very next day [when I hadn't promised that], but trying to postpone it would have been fruitless because he's just obsessing about the toy shop and what he wants to buy etc. So whilst driving there I tell him we won't be in the shop for long because I am very tired after working all day long. When we get out of the car, he comes up to me and puts his arm around me to support me - and when I asked him why he says "because you are tired". So he was thinking of me. But his interpretation was not right. I was tired, but I didn't need an actual prop to keep me up and awake! So the saying was lost on him.

 

Other than that, if he really is deteriorating in this and other areas, then he may need to be checked over.

 

Remember that he is still essentially the same person you met and fell in love with all those years ago. Have the things you found interesting, amusing, different, about him now become the things that annoy?

 

If he likes routine, why not build something into the weekly routine that you can both do together, and have other times when you are both doing things with other people or on your own.

 

For some years I used to want my husband to do things like buy flowers, or tell me he loved me etc as these were things I felt I needed to hear or have done. But he just isn't like that. So every now and then I tell him he needs to get off his backside and buy me something, or take me out [and the same applies for me to do something for him]. I sometimes ask him if he loves me and he always says yes. And when I asked him why he never asked me he said because he knew that I loved him. So maybe I was being too needy? Who knows. He only gets soppy when he's drunk! And then he's just annoying. About once a year we have a really massive row about something usually trivial. We both end up screaming we want a divorce. Then get up the next day as if nothing has happened!

 

Actually it makes me smile because when we were younger, if we argued, one or both or us would go out for the night and not come back until the early hours of the morning. Now we are older we can't be bothered to storm off after a row. Infact I quite hope he will go out so that I can watch something on TV in peace and quiet. Now he usually goes upstairs to bed.

Edited January 17, 2013 by Sally44

[matzoball]

Being that he has an ASD, he is more than likely unaware of how he is coming across to you. If he doesn't like couples therapy, perhaps something simpler like sitting down one to one and telling him how he is making you feel, and what you feel he could do to remedy this. If you do it with a positive slant like 'i love you, but when you do this, it makes me feel like this - i think we would get on better if we tried this?' something along those lines.