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A-S warrior

A warrior's tale.

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At 5 i was diagnosed, the doctor said to my mother 'life for ben will be very difficult' She burst into tears. At the time i diddn't know why she was crying, or why i was even in this room with the doctor asking me all sorts of questions. I was a quiet boy, but if something went even slightly wrong, bang! i would go off like a stick of dynamite. Children in school realised this, and would seek to wind me up. So a usual day would go, me geting picked on, me losing my temper, me getting in trouble (in that order). I wanted to be a good boy, i wanted to get on, but the other children wouldn't allow that. I also attracted trouble makers, and naughty kids, as i was an easy scape goat, gullible and in need of friends. Although, it was down to this group of friends that i was diagnosed so early in my life, without them, my diagnosis would of been much later on.

 

Life as a child was challanging. I'm not going to say bad, beacuse there is no such thing as a bad experience, just a learning experience. From 7 to 11 i had severe anger problems. getting wound up over something as simple as my mum buying the wrong flavor juice, or my mum cooking my dinner diferently. I did not go out unsuprvised, and i certainly did not have any sence of humor. i took to heart everything, and that equaled a tough realtionship with familly and friends. I was isolated from the world, i was locked up like a caged animal at lunch times, as the head teacher would not allow me to play out. i was setioned off from the rest of the class, and not allowed to communicate with class mates (but they were allowed to wind me up) I hated being me, i wanted to be someone else.

 

2002 to 2003 my mother fought to get me out of mainstream school. i was just about to go to year 8, and my mum was desperate to get me a place at a privte school. i was glad she diddn't. Though tough, challanging, and mortifiying, i grew as a person. In 2002, I moved to a new area, were street wise kids would play. I wanted to join in, but i was picked on, and again used as a scapegoat. But this again, allowed me to obtain street smarts as well, i was learning how they ticked, and how they would communicate. I observed them through my kitchen window, learning there body language, and mannerisums.

 

I allowed them in the end to bully me. I diddn't care, i was learning and growing ever stronger. High school was also very tireing, i was again involved with a bad group, and i was bunking school, and being threatend with exclutions. my mother was sent a long list of my offence's (of which none were actully me) Including, spitting on teachers car, pulling fire alarms, setting off fire extingushers etc. I was blamed purley beacuse i was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. And being the typical scape goat, i always got the brunt of the punishment.

 

Through exposure of the mainstream world, i continued to grow. Until eventully, i found myself amoungst the most popular group in school. And to my amazment, these guys actully had my back, and they were true friends. And to this day i still hear from them. All the years of being picked on and used, were worth it to be where i was. I had many years of fun and laughter with this group until i left college.

 

In 2009, i decided to go to the next level and throw myself in the deep end, and get a job in a nightclub. I was extremmally scared of crowds, so i still don't know why i did it. But i'm not sorry. For the few months i was there i learned so many different social skills, and ways to communicate. I grew ever more confident, and The old me, was rapidly fading. through this new found me, i met a girl. She was a dazziling beauty, an indian girl, and a girl that was very found of me. We fell madly in love, and for the first time in my life i felt something, i actully felt love, and it felt so good. After 2 years together, we reached a rift. She was a traditional hindu, and came from an old school familly. I knew i was on borrowed time with her from the begining, but i lived in denial, we were going to get married have children etc, But that was never going to be possible. And eventully we split up.

 

One of the hardest things ive had to deal with, yet, somehow i pulled through it, and found the forums. When i made my account, i decided to turn over a new leaf, i decided to turn every single negative force in my life and turn it into a possitive. So i chose a name suited to this, 'A-S warrior'. The name came into my head as soon as i saw the place. Iooked around, and saw nothing but negativity, I wanted to change that, I needed to change that, it felt like my destiny. I at this point regardless of my circumstances was always proud of my aspergers. It made me an in depth thinker, and a methodical machine like person. Things that bored most, exited me, So it wasn't that hard for me to find the words to post.

 

My attitude to this day has not changed, but i have calmed down alot. The reason i am the way i am, is beacuse of the above. I was exposed to mainstream life, i took the punishment life delt out, i diddn't hide, i diddn't give up, and i always got back up when i was knocked down. I'm nothing special, every aspie has the ability to think like i do, That aspergers is an ability, and not a disability. It's only a disability if you let it become one. If your willing to roll over and quit, then all you can do is revel in your own negative thoughts. If you fight, and fight hard, you can be proud. You may lose the battle, but at least you lose with no excuses. You can say, 'i failed, but i gave it my best shot!'

 

Ultimatley, if it means alot to you, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.

Edited by A-S warrior

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My attitude to this day has not changed, but i have calmed down alot. The reason i am the way i am, is beacuse of the above. I was exposed to mainstream life, i took the punishment life delt out, i diddn't hide, i diddn't give up, and i always got back up when i was knocked down. I'm nothing special, every aspie has the ability to think like i do, That aspergers is an ability, and not a disability. It's only a disability if you let it become one. If your willing to roll over and quit, then all you can do is revel in your own negative thoughts. If you fight, and fight hard, you can be proud. You may lose the battle, but at least you lose with no excuses. You can say, 'i failed, but i gave it my best shot!'

 

Ultimatley, if it means alot to you, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.

 

I just want to say that this could be really inspiring if people really pay attention to your words, because the bad stuff will have been worse than you've said and you've shown the value you've taken from the knocks, the bad times, the rough year and made it work for you to be a stronger person.

 

I don't think we have to be scared of failure, cuz mistakes and bad stuff can teach us far far more than success - and in many ways I think that whatever "success" may be, it is probably more likely to be found through perseverance and mistakes and failings cuz by going out and having a go at stuff, we all stand to learn more.

 

My life hasn't been easy either but I think if we learn our lessons from stuff we can pull through and I just want to say that thanks for sharing this.

 

That's all I have to say.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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Wow, that was quite a read! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. You've been through a lot and it's easy to see how you could have only seen the negative in things but impressively you didn't!

 

I think like you in that I don't see Aspergers as a disability at all, in fact I was only saying to my mum and the psychologist I saw in work that I didn't see it as such. Apparently that impressed him... As did the fact I didn't get upset when he suggested I might have it, with me just saying that it'd explain a lot!

 

I think in life you have to help guide yourself along paths. Yes, to a point I see them as being predetermined to a point, and when your time is up nothing is going to change that, but you can help change what happens in between.

 

If you sit and wallow in it all then nothing good will come because you're not allowing yourself to see anything but sadness and negativity.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have my down times, but I'm trying to stay on the positive side of things and am determined to push myself even harder now I've got my head around my 'out of the blue' diagnosis :)

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Totally agree with what you're saying Darkshine. If we never get anything 'wrong' we'd not appreciate what we'd learnt along the way.

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Main stream life whilst traumatic taught me so much too. being able to observe other people and try and "understand" them helped me immensely, I'm now able to appear 'normal' and even actually feel comfortable around people sometimes. Still learning everyday though!

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Main stream life whilst traumatic taught me so much too. being able to observe other people and try and "understand" them helped me immensely, I'm now able to appear 'normal' and even actually feel comfortable around people sometimes. Still learning everyday though!

 

Amen :cheers:

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Good to hear things are going so well A-S Warrior - keep up the good work and remember to keep staying positive.

 

I like the avatar picture by the way!

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Good to hear things are going so well A-S Warrior - keep up the good work and remember to keep staying positive.

 

I like the avatar picture by the way!

 

 

Thanks mike! I hope you all took something away from my story. I think at times when anyone talks about there experiences, it inspires others. and the amazing thing is, we are all capible of doing it.

 

Glad you like the wolf too :cheers:

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Do you believe that you learn more from failure than success?

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I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to have learnt from my failed Erasmus exchange and three dismissals. :(

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