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LancsLad

leaving the cul-de-sac

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I felt it might be appropriate to explain why I am leaving the forum something I have thought about for some time.

 

At times people talk on here about RL or 'real life' and for a year the forum has been part of my real life and I have made no distinctions there. At times my real life can be messy and complex and because of this I have experienced a lot and consequently learnt a lot of lessons along the way often painfully, but that is how life is. It throws things at us and we have to deal with them. The forum is no different it isn't virtual, and it certainly isn't a Disney cartoon.

 

I have been living my life in my current location for around twelve years now, a three bed roomed home on the bend in a reasonably quiet cul-de-sac on a new housing development. I am part of the community I live in and they are part of me. In that time I have partied and thrown a Caribbean barbecue on New Year's Day and I have shared lifestyle interests with other members running and cycling that type of stuff, the things you do. I believe today I will be saying goodbye to my neighbour who I have known for ten years and hopefully saying hello to a new couple who have bought the house next door. So why am I saying these things.

 

I am painting one side of the picture first because the other side can be as I said can be messy. For a period of this time myself and my partner were registered short term and emergency foster carers. At times I would be called out in the middle of the night to find a child or older teenager in a police station often because of very real emotional trauma in their lives. I would bring these individuals home and it would be true to say at times they were not placid, why would they be. They were frightened and confused and at times their language and behaviour could be aggressive but I expected that, I looked past it in the short term and did what I knew best, I cared. We had children placed with us who were not stable at first and at times they ran away and our little cul-de-sac would be lit with blue flashing lights illuminated by the police cars. And every now and again I am not sure why I would look to my partner and say "what must the neighbours think". I say I don't know why because we both knew we were doing the right thing and a lot of good to boot.

 

But life was not just messy for us because life is life after all. I guess the worst thing that has happened in this little corner of the country was summed up well when I heard a terrible scream one morning at about 5:30 am. I got myself organised to walk out into a cold frost morning to see an ambulance and two paramedics trying to revive a sixteen year old girl, a neighbour, a part of our community who had been brought down from a tree. It was obvious that they were not going to win this battle there was no body heat there at all in her, the frost told me that, she had been dead for some time. I hate going out on my runs that way because the tree is still there and I remember her face, but sometimes it is right that we remember, some things we should never forget. I can remember the estate at the time coming out with the cliché 'you never would have expected it in that family'. Sometimes it is hard to find the right words. I had been in this position before having to tell a group of twelve year olds one of their number had decided to take his own life the previous night, they didn't know the police officer stood behind me, they did know me I had been their form tutor. Sometimes we need different words with adults my experiences have taught me that and it is difficult but we have to find the words, we have to show others we care.

 

Most days you look at my little cul-de-sac and it is nothing special. I like it in the summer when the kids animate it with their play. Very often they run across lawns to fetch a ball or whilst playing tick, I guess some people don't like this but try explaining a boundary to a five year old simply having a good time, the place would be too quiet without them. But this little corner does have its moments we had an ambulance in it last week, it's not the first heart attack it has seen and that individual is now safely back at home so the paramedics win some days. This cul-de-sac has over the twelve years seen its fair share of life, relationship break ups, kids growing up and leaving home, celebrations over exam results and a new job, commiserations as jobs are lost. It has seen 'L' plates being ripped up it has seen cars limping home damaged to be towed away, I guess its fair share really. And a lot of it must go unnoticed behind closed doors. I have a neighbour with AS, someone like me, he is fourteen now and I have offered my support but his parents prefare the behind closed door thing, but it seems he is doing well starting to come out of himself a bit. But I guess I had my breakdown behind closed doors in fact behind my bedroom door most days if I am honest. And I guess the time I have spent in secure units looks the same as the time I have spent away at university to the cul-de-sac. Some things we see some things we don't.

 

So why have I decided to leave the forum after a year. Over the last week or so I have got a strong feeling that I am merely in a rented property. I have to be careful what I say and do otherwise I might not have a roof over my head. I get rules presented to me that the landlords say I have to follow. And I guess because of that this place can never be a home for me because real life doesn't work and feel like that in my experience. I know I can't pick and chose my neighbours who might arrive today, we might get on well who knows, I will simply try my best. I cycle some days past a gated community in the beautiful Ribble Valley it has security gates and big walls around it and if full of city types who work I guess in Manchester and Liverpool, the views are amazing so why build a big wall to live behind the only danger up there is the odd sheep in an adjacent field. In a similar way the forum doesn't feel real to me it feels artificial and over constructed it doesn't sit in the natural landscape. It builds wall to lock things out and in doing so it denies the community inside insight into what is happening around them. I guess one persons castle is another person's prison.

 

Our little cul-de-sac is built around a road and in many ways we can't predict what will come along that road because it is connected to a massive road network which is complex and diverse. In a similar way the forum is open for people to visit to come in form who knows where. I don't think it is appropriate to vet the vehicles coming into our estate and I don't think it is possible to vet the membership of this forum. People will come in with what they will come in with. I think all you can do is hope they see enough to respect and appreciate the values of the community which is here. And not all issues come from outside in fact most develop within and in a similar way the community will be tested. Will they come out in times of need or will they say that one or two individuals are spoiling the neighbourhood and tell them to get back indoors and keep their issues to themselves.

 

I thought I had found a home here for life this time last year, but I have found the landlords agreement so restrictive that real life doesn't really happen here. It tries to at times but there is too much suppression taking place. As a result this community is not healthy, it is not growing rather it is getting bitter and twisted and being forced back into their own little boxes. Interaction isn't happening in the main road rather it is made up of exchanges over back fences and at times bitter exchanges. So I have decided to vacate my property in this particular cul-de-sac and will look for a home elsewhere. I will visit one or two neighbours in PM for a while.

 

Take care and I wish you all well,

 

Mike.

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Very beautifully put Mike, it might not be the best word 'beautiful' but 'beautiful' seems a perfectly acceptable word right now as I have no better one at this exact moment.

 

Your post has moved me very deeply, almost to the point of tears, it is very poignant - that is the word I want, it is very very poignant and moving, honest, open, truthful and in the wonderful balance between subtlety and clarity it has touched me somewhere far inside myself.

 

I think the loss of you in that aspect, which I already knew was a possibility for some time, is still something which moves me on so many other levels because of the value I see in you a a person, and also as my friend every day and I know how much you have to offer, not just to me, but to anyone, and what a massive loss that you are on here in so many ways, and the fact that only such a small percentage see it is beyond me - but I am glad that some do, for I know you would offer yourself freely, and openly, with no malice or selfish desires.

 

I hope others see that too, but it is too late for that and that loss is as cutting as a car through a safety barrier, as moving as a sunrise on a day when life has meaning after a terrible tragedy the day before, as mournful as a still dark night, and as wonderful as watching a caged bird flying free and singing as it rises into the sky.

 

I feel privileged to know you, and as much as I am moved in so many ways, I have a smile that grows because you do things in style, in your own unique way, and in the landscape of our lives I know that your landscape is a free one, that is open, honest and truthful and beyond imagination and I smile because I value that on every single level there is.

 

A

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I have been sitting here, metaphorically speechless, for some time. I noticed that you had been posting less, and I had some awareness of your increasing discomforture, so I suppose your departure should not be entirely surprising. It is nonetheless a source of sadness.

 

I have been the recipient of some of your advice and I have been grateful - genuine knowledge gained organically through experience. I am still working on the 'reflex holding space', I still intend it to be Moonlight Sonata, and I will remember Pex Hill. I will remember that and it will remain part of my life.

 

Have you ever watched Dead Poets Society? If so, then you'll know what I mean when I suggest we all stand on our tables. If not, maybe one day you'll watch it and you'll remember that a strange little weevil avatar person mentioned it, and you'll know what I mean.

 

Take care and fare the weel.

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I'm honestly considering following suit, what's the point now? lancslad, the forum father fiqure is leaving. As far as i'm concerned there is no forum now. This is a very sad loss. i may have to leave too.

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I'll be sorry to see you go. Your posts are always interesting reading and help provide a positive and balanced perspective based on what has obviously been a full, challenging, chequered and inspirational life. I for one have been given a lot to think about by what you say. You prove that we all have great potential, drive and passion within us that can be channeled in a positive direction if we are able to believe in ourselves or or are assisted to do so.

 

All the Best for the future

 

Lynda :)

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It's been a pleasure reading your positive post's for so many years, It's sad to see you go, I hope that things here improve and that one day you might return, You have touched my life with your positive nature and post's and your heart felt post today, I agree that years a go this was a happier forum, Hopefully we can turn that around as there are so many in desperate need of support.

 

Places like this are a lifeline for many and I'm sure you have helped many people over the years, I know you have helped me for which I appreciate, Because of the brilliant support that has been here from members like you for years the board that I used to co administrate have been directing people here as that board is only for AS adults and not for carer's or parents of children with asd.

 

Once again ty for your excellent contributions you will be missed, take care.

 

 

Paul

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I hope this is a reminder to whoever is staying that you only know what you've lost once it's gone. Why do we wait until someone is leaving before we tell them how much we care? Why wait til now to tell LancsLad how much he's helped? (I'm not meaning that any of the individuals who have responded haven't done that before now, I don't know if you have or haven't) But i'm just trying to make the point that it takes very little effort to show someone that their contributions are appreciated...so lets make sure from now on that we all do our bit to make people on this site feel they have a place and let's try not to be so defensive with one another's comments. This is just meant to be a general point....again, not to any of the responders here. Let's do our best not to lose anyone else. It can be a positive place. And it should be about giving just as much as recieving. (Again, i'm not saying that anyone who has responded is guilty of this). These are just general thoughts.

 

LancsLad, you don't know me and I don't know you....but your posts are some of the most brilliant, informative, insightful and often contrasting (And contrast is interesting) posts on the site. So there will be a noticable difference with you not around. :( What a huge shame.

Edited by Merry

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lancslad I was really hoping you wouldn't leave I will miss you. You have given me much advice over the past year, as you have to loads of people on here. I really don't know what we will do without you.

 

Is there anyway you would change your mind and hang about for a while please? There are so many of us that will miss all your very valuable advice. Please PM me anytime my friend.

 

Take care :-)

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