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jacklejacob

How can I become liked and make friends? (I have asperger's)

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I have been trying to make real friends since I was born but I have never done it and I am now in my mid/late 20's

 

Any tips? Do you have asperger's and real, good friends that you can ring any time and depend on?

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Hi jacklejacob, I don't really know what to suggest.....Do you go to college or have a job or groups that you go to? I think everybody here who has aspergers will have had some experience of this issue in their lives. As a teenager i didn't know how to use a telephone because i'd never wanted to be near one! And couldn't talk to kids my own age. But as I grew up, I learned how to behave like other people in most situations and started to make friends. Really though, I found friends to be a pressure in my life. I crave simplicity and having to make time for lots of other people was really difficult...as well as the energy it took to act all the time. So if you're not very sociable like me, i don't recommend having a lot of friends anyway! Most of the friends i've made in life, i'm not friends with anymore, purely because once they got to know me better, they realized i was actually someone who didn't enjoy socializing, had periods of depression where i'd just be a useless and inconsistent friend, and who had secret interests that i kept completely aside from my friendships in which i pretended to enjoy movies, drinking, or whatever trivial things they liked to talk about! And eventually in most cases, my lack of social skills would get the better of me and i'd say something really stupid to the wrong person and end up with more enemies than friends! Now i'm in my 30's, i have 2 special friends plus a few other friends who i've managed to keep throughout the years, probably because they understand my problems and accept me the way i am. They are there if i need them and i'm there if they need me, but they don't expect me to cope with seeing them more than once every couple of months which is great. My best two friends can relate more to me because one of them is into spiritual things like me, and the other one gets depression like i have done so we are similar in many ways even though they don't have aspergers. Another girl, is very similar to me and we're friends simply because we've known each other for so long even though our interests are completely different. Friends don't have to be perfect. Just like family. You can decide to keep caring for someone even if you have nothing in common. I feel a lot of loyalty towards them. I think this is probably what you're after. I think it comes with time and effort. When you meet someone, don't let them become someone you give up on. Keep in touch regularly. Make a decision to care about them and their life. After a long time, they will probably become a long-term friend. As people get older, they tend to only keep the good ones anyway. I don't know if this will be of any use. The social skills needed to find a friend in the first place, i can't comment on because i don't know how i managed it myself! But good luck. I hope you find what you need. :)

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Thanks Merry you have made some very good points, I hope this helps jackiejacob. :-)

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jackiejacob, there are lots of lovely people on here who I,m sure would be cyber mates, not the same but its always nice to chat, even if its only over a keyboard x

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cyber mates are great like Suze says, and there's a lot of great people on here so stick around I'm sure you will make lots of friends. :-0

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Hi jacklejacob, you sound a lot like my son, who is 19. He has never had friends either. He is a lovely lad and I'm sure you are too, maybe you lack confidence and self-esteem, the same as my son? I'm always trying to find ways of boosting my son's confidence and feel good about himself. What do you like to do and are there any goals you could set yourself so that you can feel like you're achieving good things to make you feel better about yourself. They always say, you have to like yourself before others can like you. Make a list of things that are good about you, I'm sure there are many.

 

Are there any social groups for Aspies near to where you live or is there an evening class you could think about joining? How about volunteering in a charity shop just to meet people and gain confidence?

 

Good luck.

~ Mel ~

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My husband has aspergers and has finally found 2 friends, (apart from me). He is now in his 30's. he is socially awkward & often offends people. It takes a certain type of person 2 persevere and learn 2 love a aspie. It will come eventually. Don't try, just wait. Good luck.

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You could also find people who share the same interests as you as it's much easier to talk to people if you know you have something in common. I don't have many friends either, I have some I talk to online but none that I'm very close to and none that I talk to on a very regular basis. It's difficult, but not impossible. I used to try too hard to make friends when I was younger and that put people off even more. I didn't realise there were certain "rules" to follow about making friends. Online is a good way to meet people initially without feeling under too much pressure, a lot easier than talking to people face to face, though you have to make the effort to keep in touch.

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Hi yes I never had friends and JackieJacob makes some good points (but which didn't work for me). But don't let this put you off, girls are more gregarious and (most importantly) more accepting than boys. I tried evening classes when I was younger but these did not work for me, my main interest is solitary so no chance of making friends there. But growing up, during my 20s and 30s etc - I had absolutely no idea then I had Aspergers: I always knew something wasn't right, but could not understand why I didn't make friends etc.

 

This is why I found this forum as I found some cybermates - although perhaps "some" is a bit of a misnomer now... I'm hoping to find more...

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This is why I found this forum as I found some cybermates - although perhaps "some" is a bit of a misnomer now... I'm hoping to find more...

 

>:D<<'> I'm happy to be a cyber chum.

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<img data-cke-saved-src="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/hug.gif" src="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/hug.gif" class="bbc_emoticon" alt="><img data-cke-saved-src=" http:="" www.asd-forum.org.uk="" forum="" public="" style_emoticons="" default="" biggrin.png'=""><' /> I'm happy to be a cyber chum.

 

Thank you :cheers:

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Unfortunately, there is no magic formula to whatever 'it' is that makes a person likeable and able to maintain friendships. The simple fact of the the matter is that it takes those of us with ASD greater effort and we put more thought into the whole process than the majority of people. I think this can lead us to 'overthinking' what friendship is; it's purpose and durability (or not) and how good (or not) a friend we are. Most people don't put this amount of effort into having friends. They don't worry too much about the little things that are said that we worry about; what 'that' look meant exactly, what 'that' tone of voice meant exactly, are they being taken for a fool or taken for granted, are people speaking about them and how to deal with it and did they say the 'right' thing.

 

There is a lot of basic psychology involved in getting to know other people and getting past the first stage of the process. People are more drawn to people who look confident and people who look happy. If someone looks miserable, the person speaking to them may wish to offer the other person 'help' but they might not feel like battering down that person's door to be their friend. If a person shows interest in what the other person is saying, that then makes a person feel good about themselves. People like people who (appear to) like themselves. Body language can be key. If a person demonstrates 'defensive' body posture, ie. they stand with their arms folded and lips pursed or they demonstrate a general lack of confidence, ie. toes pointing inwards or looking down when speaking to someone and stuttering or they have 'aggressive' body language, ie. invading someone's personal space and staring at them then the other person could feel in turns that the other person has little interest in them, may be too 'hard work' to be friends with or that they will always be 'defending' themselves.

 

A long time ago I started 'mirroring' people. This is when someone speaks to you and you replicate their posture and body movements. Relaxed body posture can involve standing with your legs slightly apart and loose at the knees and leaning slightly forward in your seat to show interest (but not too eager) when you are sitting. When the other person shifts feet for instance, you shift your feet, when they move their bottom slightly in their chair then you do the same. They might touch their chin in a 'thoughtful' type of way and you do the same. It shows interest and involvement in the conversation.

 

Look next time at the person's feet when they are speaking to you. If their feet are facing you then they are wanting to speak to you (or giving the impression that they do) and if they are not a friend then this is an 'in' into a conversation. If the person's feet are facing away to the left or right and their body is facing you then a few words will suffice. They don't want to hang around to speak even if they have shown willingness to speak before. However, their feet may move towards you after initial introductions. They then have probably changed their mind and want to spend a little time talking. If they start shifting from foot to foot then wind up the conversation.

 

These are my musings and have been learned through trial and error, studying psychology and mental health. Meeting people has never been a problem for me. It's keeping friends that I find tricky because of all the 'questions' mentioned at the beginning of my post and because I've lost a LOT of friends. I don't know what is worse - not being able to make friends or having trouble keeping them!

 

Another key thing is not to speak too much about yourself and about your interests. If you find yourself 'going off on one' you have to steer the conversation back to the other person and ask about them and their interests/family/job/what they did at the weekend. You can learn to 'fake' interest if you have none and it IS possible to learn not to 'glaze over' if you find what the other person says of little interest. Of course, this is a good indication that this particular person is unlikely to make a good friend! It's the people you don't have to fake interest in that you want to be your friend!

 

:)

Edited by Lyndalou

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Making friends and joining social circles can be hard, but finding the keys to how people meet others and starting friendships is a good start.

 

The majority of people with have friends from school/college and university, but in a lot of cases things change, people move and these friendships don't stay. A job is a good way of having access to people, but may not always be the best.

 

Using the internet and forums on topics you are interested in helps with learning social skills and norms, but getting into local groups of topics you are interested in is a great way of meeting others you have something in common with! If you are interested in painting, writing, miniatures, gaming e.t.c there are a wealth of local groups that meet up for these subjects. Google for your interest in your local area or use things like gumtree to find them.

 

Best of luck!

Edited by Matt - The Autistic Life

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Finding people into things you are interested in is probably the best way, and if thats online or offline its all good. My partner is spookily similar and we met via a social anxiety website, so anything is possible. It won't be easy, but then good friends aren't found easily - its risky and difficult, but finding someone else you can relate to is really uplifting. It can be difficult to know who is one your side or not, but that takes time for anyone and you have to trust that someone might be, rather than worrying they aren't. Consistency is whats important, someone truely on your side will stick around - unless you drive them away or they lose interest, which happens to anyone, just have to move on.

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