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Mooni

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Hello,

 

I'm Jo, and I'm a 24 year old woman living and working in the East of England. I've joined this forum because I'm concerned that I may have some form of ASD. I've always struggled with social communication, and outside of my immediate family, I have maybe 3 people I consider friends. I don't make friends easily. All my life, I've had these problems, and as I've got older, people have often told me that there is something 'wrong' with me.

I completed a degree in Languages and I now work in a school where I work alongside SEN pupils, including a number of young people who have ASDs. Languages are the one thing in life that I'm good at, and I speak 4 languages fluently. I collect words and information about different languages, and enjoy reading and listening to foreign languages being spoken. I get on well within my job, and I am able to understand and see huge similarities between me and the kids I work with, to the point where I'm seriously considering seeing my GP. Socially I'm described as awkward. I make inappropriate jokes, and comments, and am forever inadvertently offending people, including my family, who see me as a bit odd, but they know I can't help it. I also find it impossible to lie. Even when someone cold calls the house, and often I get told off for handing the phone to someone.

People think I'm cold and distant, and unfriendly. I would dearly love to make friends and forge relationships, but I just can't. I speak to my colleagues about work, but I can't talk about my life outside of the school.

 

Lately, I have become depressed and frustrated with my inability to function. The school I work in is subject to last minute changes to my schedule, and it has become increasingly upsetting. The lack of consistency makes me anxious, and it takes me time to accept what is going to be different.

 

As a child, my parents wondered if I had an ASD. As a baby I avoided touch and screamed when held. I learned to speak at 11 months and up until the age of 2/3, I would engage with strangers. At 18 months, my mum tells me that I talked to strangers in my pram about the Prime Minister. When I started school, I struggled with everything except for English. I speak fluently, articulately and idiomatically. People consider me to be sarcastic. My voice is pretty monotone and I don't show much emotion. My vocabulary and written skills have always been above average. In year 2, I had to visit the junior school to get reading books appropriate for my skills. This marked me as different to my peers and it made my school life difficult. I became obsessed with archaeology and languages. I could speak some French aged 7, and I read about archaeology as often as I could, begging mum to take me to the library to feed my thirst for knowledge. I can't remember phone numbers (only mine and my parents' house number), but I can remember the registrations on our old cars, and other things which people consider irrelevant.

 

There was a gulf between myself and other students. They picked on me for my awkwardness and strange interests, but it didn't bother me so much. As I've got older, it's become harder. I still avoid eye contact with all but a few people (family, close friends) which has made job hunting difficult. But I've adapted. In my part time job, I used to have 'wobblies' if someone rearranged my tills (it had to be in a certain way, with all the coins face up), or if someone changed my routine without prior warning. I was passed up for promotion because I was negative and unfriendly. It took me 3 years to be able to spend time with colleagues I worked with 37hrs a week.

 

I'm aware of myself becoming more anxious. I feel very low and depressed, and I spend alot of time crying, and seeking refuge in my room. I can't bear to be touched, even when sobbing. My mum cannot comfort me, which she finds upsetting. Anything can ruin my day. Today for example, my day was ruined because at 6:30 am, my bus pass was in the wrong place. I didn't speak until I was at work, and after work, I must have spent a maximum of half hour/45 minutes talking with my family. I can't tell them the small details because I don't feel it's their business, and that offends them.

 

All these quirks are characteristics I can identify with when I read information about ASDs. I've been reading statements of students at school and we're so similar it's scary. I have taken the AQ test on two occasions, scoring 35 and 37. I'm worried that if I were to be diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, it would affect my job in some way, even though I'm in the SEN department at work with people who would understand. But I feel it would be a huge relief because there'd be an explanation for all my struggles, and it would enable me to see that it's not really my fault when I say things that upset others. I cannot be anything but honest, and it's cost me friends.

 

I would really appreciate some advice in how to proceed. This is the first time I've really sat down and written these things out, and I apologise for the lack of clear structure.

 

Best wishes,

 

Jo.

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Hello Mooni

 

Welcome aboard and hope you find a few cyberfriends here.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I'm a bit older than you but have many of the issues that you describe (so I "do" understand). The question you need to ask yourself...will a diagnosis make any difference or help in any way? Would you achieve anything by having a formal diagnosis? I considered this for myself but decided against the idea. But you are young(er) and may have a different outlook on things. Read through the posts on this forum to get a flavour on things: there are many people on here that give great advice. Only then you can do what you feel is right :)

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I couldn't be bothered reading all of you post, sorry. All's I would say is be the eccentric you, it can actually be quite amusing. Learn how to entertain your-self in social situations. I am actually amused when no-one gets my jokes.

 

Hello Robert. Is it just me or do conspiracy theorists fail to see the big picture?

Edited by trekster

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Hi Jo , a first port of call would be your GP I would suggest a referral to a physch for assessment.Take your mum with you as she will be able to talk about your younger years etc , and she can support you sometimes its difficult to convey your concerns /worries without support .Best of luck x

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Hi, Jo. Social disjuncture is a sensation which just doesn't seem to become more comfortable, isn't it? I can relate to that. I am undiagnosed, although I've had an educational psychologist who heads a diagnostic panel and has a PhD in Autism tell me that I have AS. For me, as I once explained to a friend, that moment was a move away from feeling like an inhabitant of a single-dwelling island in the middle of the sea of Mainstream to recognising that there are others who feel similarly to me. I suppose that's a positive thing. At the same time, though, I'm 36 and I found it inexplicable that the thought had never occurred to me, despite having two sons on the spectrum and family members. It was in November that the epiphany occurred, and I still haven't assimilated the idea properly, nor have I truly worked out exactly what it means for me. I've had other, overriding, issues, though, so that's a factor.

 

 

The point of my ramble, I guess, is that I can relate to what you have to say as no doubt others do, and you are not alone.

 

Welcome to the forum.

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Hi Jo, as already mentioned your GP is the first place to go and then he/she can refer you on. If you are in/near the Cambridgeshire area then the best place to go (via NHS) is the CLASS clinic(where I got my diagnosis), but privately I can't recommend action for asperger's enough (where my daughter got hers), they are fantastic!

 

You could give the national autistic society a call and ask for the details of all clinics in your area, I know when I looked on the site action for asperger's was not listed but when I called them a few weeks later they gave me their details.

 

Good luck :)

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Hi Moonie.

 

I'm 33, was only diagnosed the beginning of last year, and as Mannify said, you are not alone. You are not the only one. You may have grown up knowing you are different to everyone around you....but you fit in perfectly well with us! I love what Mannify wrote about the single dwelling island. If you think of it this way, it was like you were living in a foreign country but no one has ever told you why you felt different to everybody around you. Then you have the sudden realization that it wasn't anything odd about you at all...you were just from another place...

Personally, the most healing thing i've ever done in my lifetime was getting diagnosed with aspergers. Now my family think of me as someone who's achieved a lot, `considering my difficulties` rather than seeing me as the one who fails at everything. Now, I look back at my past and i don't feel so hurt about the way i've been treated by people. It wasn't their fault. They became frustrated with my differences, social awkwardness and inability to cope with things, before i was even able to recognize it myself. I was very defensive with others. I was always offended by what i considered to be a harsh and unfriendly world. Now, I understand the patterns in my life. And recognising them was the first step to making improvements. I can't tell you how much better my life's been since the diagnoses, but i've healed a lot and come to terms with so much. I feel that now my friends and family understand, I can tell them when i don't feel i can take on so much socially. I feel it has enabled me to become my true self and has meant i don't have to hide my difficulties anymore which i guess makes me more honest and genuine.

I was diagnosed through referral by my G.P to our local mental health team. I took family with me to add weight to my plea...and it worked. Best of luck.

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Thanks to everybody who has replied to my rather rambling message :) I cannot express how it feels to have found people who understand how I feel, it's a huge relief knowing, even without a diagnosis, that I'm not alone. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, about my depression, and mum has promised to help me raise the issue. She is a tenacious woman, so she won't be fobbed off. With any luck, I may soon find some answers.

 

@Kelly83: I saw that you bake. Me too!

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Welcome to the forum Mooni. I think a lot of us can relate to what you've experienced. I hope that you like it around here, there's a wealth of information to be found, and kind, generous people who are willing to help, listen or just share a laugh.

 

I also love to bake, very therapeutic :)

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Welcome to the forum your story sounds familiar and you could have been describing my childhood in part.

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Welcome to the forum Mooni. I think a lot of us can relate to what you've experienced. I hope that you like it around here, there's a wealth of information to be found, and kind, generous people who are willing to help, listen or just share a laugh.

 

I also love to bake, very therapeutic :)

 

Perhaps we should start a baking thread in off topic :)

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Welcome to the forum :-) Do let us know how you get on when you visit your G.P. you are definitely doing the right thing, I wish you well.

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Perhaps we should start a baking thread in off topic :)

 

Sounds like a plan matzoball! :)

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So, I went to the doctor's today. Took mum with me for back up, so she could talk to him about my early years. He's prescribed me a course of anti-depressants, and given me a follow up appointment for three weeks' time. We spent a great deal of time talking about how I cope on a day to day basis, and how I interact. He has said that I am "highly likely" and that it's a "very strong chance", that I have some form of Aspergers. The follow up appointment is to see if the antidepressants have any effect on me, and that at the next appointment, we will look further into AS, and then depending on what transpires, I will be referred!!!!

 

Mum has always suspected that I may have some form of ASD, and she is very relieved to have had her suspicions echoed by a medical professional who is willing to investigate the possibility further. I also feel quite relieved to be told that it's not all in my head.

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