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Mannify

AS crash

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I try to be positive, I really do; I try not to make big noises about stuff in life and just get on with everything. I'm feeling incorrigeably self-indulgent posting this, and I know I am, but I just feel so needful of expressing myself.

 

In November a head diagnostician and end psych, who also has a PhD in autism and a sister with AS said, 'I have no hesitation in saying that you have Asperger's', although it wasn't an official diagnosis. Since then I have largely shelved that information because all sorts of other things have happened which have overridden its significance. Now, three months later, I feel that I'm having an 'AS crash' over that information.

 

I just feel so overwhelmed and bereft over all the things that everyone else seems to just do naturally. If I'm honest, these include things like washing my hair enough and, yes, even washing enough. I'm a mother of three, and I found that in their early years it was easy to obsess about things like breastfeeding and giving them the best nutrition. Now they're older, I find it harder to simply relate to them and just listen to them. When they speak I do not react immediately because it takes me longer than most people just to tune in to the fact that they are speaking. My daughter is is not on the spectrum and often wants me to play pretend with her, and I find it so hard and so tedious. In September my youngest started school, but my house is still disordered because I find it so hard to prioritise. I'm not lazy; in October I completed a first class honours degree which had taken just three years, even though I had small children at home. I did it mostly via all-nighters. There are other situations in which I have worked incredibly hard. But I just cannot seem to attain normal running of life in the way others do. I can't prioritise; I can't even quite look after myself 'normally'. It really isn't for want of trying. I'm not just lazy. I can and do work really hard.

 

I have some really 'stoopid' oral rituals, I hop around the kitchen holding my left foot, I bounce around like a lunatic, and I actually flap my hands. I have parts of my body I just have to stroke. I annoy everyone listening to the same song on a loop for literally hours - it even annoys my kids. I tear up if I have to make prolonged eye-contact. I have problems with face recognition. I have had no friends for vast stretches of my adulthood. So the list continues. I feel a kind of grief that I'm 36, and I literally didn't have a clue about myself until just over three months ago, even though I have two children on the spectrum. I feel like such a failure on so many levels right now.

 

I'm so sorry if this all seems like a pathetic wallow in self-pity, but I really am overwhelmed at the moment, and surely it's OK to post like this here, if nowhere else. Sometimes I just do not know how I can continue being me, living my life. It really isn't like me to post like this, but the 'coping' is just so overwhelming currently.

 

 

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I think that it's really positive that you've managed to post this. You've obviously been feeling the effects of the comment regarding you having AS and that is completely understandable. Whilst knowing can be a positive thing you're kind of stuck in no man's land with no official diagnosis and a comment that was made to you.

 

Instead of feeling self indulgent for posting this, take it for what it is... an expression of how you are feeling about things right now and look at the positives that are included in what you've written.

 

You're not a failure at all... you have managed to get to 36 without knowing that you've had AS and you've obviously had to find coping strategies. You've got three children and although you're having trouble at the moment with connecting with them, you've managed to bring them up so far and that's no mean feat, esp for someone on the spectrum.

 

Why do you think that your rituals are 'stoopid'? To me it's a sign of how you cope with situations, and the stroking may well be a calming mechanism?

 

I was diagnosed at 34, last September, and I can tell you it's been a bit of a struggle through life at times, without understanding why. Knowing, or so I thought, would make it easier and I think in general terms it has, and at least now I know why I am 'different'.

 

I think that you should be extremely proud of yourself, rather than focusing on the negatives as you see them, as bringing up three small children and completing a degree is again no mean feat. Some people would falter with the degree alone. I know how hard eye contact and making friends is... it hurts, really hurts doesn't it?

 

Please don't ever feel that you can't express yourself and share your feelings, it's important that you have someone / somewhere to speak to.

Edited by oakers

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Thanks, Oakers. I feel embarrassed for having posted like this. I don't know why; when others do I admire their openness.

 

What the ed psych said was more than just a comment. She spent hours with me, and then detailed all the areas in which I would satisfy diagnostic criteria, by which time I really wasn't listening. My husband was there and is absolutely convinced by all the evidence, which is something not to be taken lightly in his case.

 

I really am struggling to assimilate the information, and it's a kind of belated reaction. I refused to dwell on it too much at the time.

 

I know how hard eye contact and making friends is... it hurts, really hurts doesn't it?

 

Yes, it does. Sometimes you manage to convince yourself that it doesn't, but it does.

 

Thanks for replying, Oakers, and not thinking ill of me.

Edited by Mannify

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ahhh sorry I didn't realise you'd had an assessment...

 

I think the fact that you've shared this with us is a huge step.. I don't think anyone on here would think ill of you for posting what you have, I can't imagine why anyone would at all. Try not to be so hard on yourself!

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I'm just so down, I'm just not thinking straight. As I said, if anyone else had posted as I have done, I would have thought positively of it, but I guess I'm finding it hard to think anything positive about myself at the moment.

 

It wasn't an official diagnosis, but I can hardly think of anyone more qualified than her to assess whether or not I have AS, and she was very thorough with what she asked. My husband was there, and he said almost as much as I did.

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I also am struggling to stop wallowing self pitying stop moaning about how bad I feel my life is right now feel guilty for raising it but can't help how feel inside feel I have to fake it pretend I"m happy when I'm not I'm failuring awful and dragging my parents down so drained fed up of way I act moany all time and not bucking my ideas up trying to "move on" and help myself out of this which my parents see me doing for a while then switch bad! Just going round in circles! They (parents) feel I am doing enough to work on myself!

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* I know I'm selfish! Knowing this makes me worst I know I'm horrid! I hate see the heartache,pain pure destruction in the path I have left! The guilt is totally overwhelming but I have to "carry this burden" as it my fault I cause it! Why don't I know when back off when enough is truly enough?! And calm down go away!

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I'll come back to this because have to get ready for school...

 

>:D<<'> All I can say is that I completely understand. There have been periods over the last 2 years that I have felt similarly to you and for me I've felt that I am at times stuck in a no-man's land. Grief is a normal reaction and it's something you may not be able to fully describe but I feel it in your post and I do admire you for putting how you are feeling 'out there'. There will come a time that you will reach more of a level of acceptance and then contentment....I'm not there yet myself but I bounce about between all the emotional states and I'm sitting much more at acceptance and contentment than at grief these days and it's all part of the process, I think.

 

You are capable, smart and you've achieved a lot in your life despite your difficulties. Be proud of yourself and don't give up.

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I feel scared I going to lose "everything" -my family and my friends and this specially worries and scaries me as I know my family mean it when they say it my last chance "be good" my family see myself exclude myself from the family unit lot of time I withdraw when "not well" enough so hard make them see it don't just plan it!

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Your response means a lot, Lyndalou. I've just been telling someone that I really thought I'd assimilated it and that it hadn't really affected me, but it appears that I'd simply deferred it. I still feel awkward talking about myself like this, which I know is kind of irrational.

 

Thanks for feeling my grief because, yes, it was definitely there.

 

Thank you.

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The thing is AS crash, it might be often it might be rarely but we seem to have the ability to keep pushing on and on ignoring things as they occur until at some point we can't reist anymore and well we crash. I do it about once a year and it used to take me weeks and months to come out of it but now knowing about the crashes I don't push myself as much knowing full well the longer I ignore building issues, the longer I will be down, so now I allow minor crashes where I am down for days at a time not months. My last one was only recently when I kept away from here for a week. But the lesson is we have to accept parts of us we don't understand and perhaps even don't like, not question them, just let them flow and they will come and they will go and less you allow these things to bother you the less a problem they will be.

 

And then we have societal expectation what society thinks or rather what we think society thinks for we are aware we are different are we that different in reality or is it we have been put upon, put upon by the ASD attack, perhaps even taken on what are known to be deficiencies in the eyes of society and those that name us on behalf of society, they not realising everyone is different and everyone is weird in their own way and we all have those inner demons that compare ourselves to others for that is ancient and part of the survival instinct. What we have to accept is no one is perfect and we all have foibles and we must accept ourselves as we are in all naturalness and it is my personal belief, these 'disorders' I manifest and experience are tools for learning, what I have been given to make myself better, because what kind of life would it be it we were all the same ?

 

Eccentrics I like, I always have, anyone that bucks the system, the oddballs in society fill me with fun and it is to them I am drawn, not the mundane I tried for so many years to fit in to until I just accepted me. Is it ASD is it something else or is it just me, I don't care, I am just me like me or not for what I am I am in all naturalness for I don't try so hard to fit in anymore and I don't have to be social if I don't want to be and this unwritten rule that everyone hase to be social is just that, an unwritten rule, an expectation perhaps false thrust on society, for how did we manage before, before the psych profession came into being, because it's not old, not that old at all, and who said they have it right for you will notice if you quest of psychiatry it's all theories replaced by other theories and no absolutes which could also mean they are just guessing and if they are guessing, there is in reality nothing wrong with us, we are just another part of society that has always been here, perhaps pushing mankind to progress with our abilities and sometimes different ways of approaching questions.

 

Believe yourself to be a potential aid to society, not a hindrance and find yourself in the natural that you were designed to be.

 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marriane Williamson 1975 from the book ; A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principle of a Course in Miracles

 

^We are all guilty of the above^

 

Stop playing down and start playing up, we are here to help !

 

:devil:

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I think it's normal and common to crash when you realise you have AS and you shouldn't feel bad about it. When I first found out I felt that my life had been an illusion because I didn't realise that I'm neurologically different to other people, and I needed to discover who I really am. I just thought any problems I was having were down to my inadequacies and failures as a person. I wanted the official diagnosis because that was the only way I could ever accept myself for who I am but when I got told officially I have it I also went through a period of grief and bitterness and self - pity, mainly for my lost childhood. It comes as a shock at first when you first realise, it is a lot of information to assimilate and it takes time to digest, but I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by and you learn more about yourself.

 

I also hand flap and get up and run round the room when I'm excited, I no longer try to suppress this, it's part of who I am, and on more than one occasion I've been told that I need a hearing test because I don't tune into people when they first start speaking, also have face blindness... I used to feel really bad and inadequate, and sometimes still do, but it's been much easier to deal with since knowing the reason behind these things, I can finally stop blaming myself so much.

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I don't think ill ever give myself 'a break' but this 'break' away will give me the "head space" to pull myself back move forward productively without going lots of steps back like in my past! I know main key is stop being so harsh with myself and blaming myself continously I know I need to move away from these thoughts which push me further ,deeper in! Just finding self resource skills to fall back on when things get too much (thoughts/emotions) hope one day I find peace within instead trying to chase myself in circles trying push everyone away so everyone hates me as much as I do! Probably don't make sense but hope it does! I can only free/release myself try got to work it out step by step!

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Smiley, we all have self esteem issues and not just in depression, but depression can be caused by such. The trick is to recognise what problems you have and work on finding better ways to manage for everyone is capable but it takes awareness. Be aware of yourself when you recognise something coming or already there, change what you are doing, decide to do different and see what results that yields and in time you will work it out for yourself. But do you know what comes with working it out for yourself, self knowledge and power and there a clue to your potential.

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I think it's normal and common to crash when you realise you have AS and you shouldn't feel bad about it. When I first found out I felt that my life had been an illusion because I didn't realise that I'm neurologically different to other people, and I needed to discover who I really am. I just thought any problems I was having were down to my inadequacies and failures as a person.

 

My sentiments exactly. Perhaps some people can say 'Hey, I've just found out I have Aspergers and that's ok, I'm fine with it because it explains everything' and then just carry on with their lives as they did before. I know someone in real life who this is true for. They're not happy about it and they're not sad about it - it just is. Both her children have now received a diagnosis and she (seems to ) take(s) it in her stride.

 

It's not been like that for me and probably not for a lot of people. My husband, at the height of my anger and confusion, kept saying that he didn't understand why I was not just relieved to find the answer to the problems I've had in life. However, I think that part of it was that it came as such a shock and the answer I got was not the one I expected. For so long I was told that it was 'all in my head' and it was my only perception of reality and not what was actual reality (when I believed I had upset people and was obsessing about it or felt that I didn't fit in for example). I am chatty and friendly. I'll talk to anyone and everyone (when I'm in the mood to) and I enjoy finding out about people. It did strike me as odd that in a one-to-one meeting I could get headaches with prolonged eye contact but I put it down to my poor eyesight and concentration... Even now, my communication prohibits me from being believed by many people and that too is extremely tough.

 

The summer after my realisation even watching the children playing in the street upset me. The girls were all 'girlie' and played together doing 'girl' things with their pretty hair and pretty clothes and I saw visions of myself looking (as my mum put it) 'like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards' when I was the same age with my hair hanging in 'rats tails' with bashed up knees and cardis buttoned up wrongly. It's not like I ever wanted to be like them but the absolute difference between the two pictures made me realise how different I will have looked at times to my peers. I suddenly understood that autism was the reason I loved being by myself and why on the occasions I went to visit classmates homes that I was struck dumb because everything was so 'different' to my house. I suddenly knew that it was the reason I didn't know how I was 'meant' to play in a Wendy House and why I dulled the pain of losing my real best friend who ostracised me from the rest of my class by creating an imaginary friend, although even he got in the way of me doing my own thing!

 

It takes time and a lot of energy to work it all through. Having a child (or two) with ASD can force you to live your life in parallel to them - you see yourself at the same age and although it helps you to make sense of your child's problems (which is a huge bonus), you have to at the same time relive your own life and when a lot of the life you've had has been painful then you have to relive that pain too.

 

I accept my child needs time to himself because I remember all the time I had to myself. I fight to ensure that my child's teachers treats my child with respect and understand his difficulties because although some of my teachers may have 'got' me and helped me achieve my potential, other teachers bullied and damaged me. I feel the pain my child feels and see the confusion on his face when peers ignore him or even sneer at him because all of a sudden I know that there have often been times that I have been treated that way too.

 

Lynda :)

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After "AS crash" happens just seem to "shut off the world" and watch taking in the world around me I suppose its more "extreme case of people watching" seeing reality of their lives! Its ironic how right now just coming out on mini and major form of AS crashing I would agree on the case of it common occurence to happen within our lives! And us wanting to do anything to avoid the 'AS crash' as much as possible as makes you anxious and scared holding your breathe! That's my idea of going away for few days to "breathe fresh air" to gain 'clear head'!

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After "AS crash" happens just seem to "shut off the world" and watch taking in the world around me I suppose its more "extreme case of people watching" seeing reality of their lives! Its ironic how right now just coming out on mini and major form of AS crashing I would agree on the case of it common occurence to happen within our lives! And us wanting to do anything to avoid the 'AS crash' as much as possible as makes you anxious and scared holding your breathe! That's my idea of going away for few days to "breathe fresh air" to gain 'clear head'!

 

There is another way, instead of striving to avoid, let it happen and observe whilst you are experiencing for in there is the clue to stop it happening in the first place. Train your mind to observe your mind and take note for you will learn how to balance yourself without external experimentation because only you know you better than anyone else.

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Thanks everyone for your comments. I could relate to your experiences, Nesf, and it interests me that you no longer surpress your jumping around and stuff. Sometimes I feel that now I know why I do things I ought to be able to stop myself doing them; I know that's kind of irrational, but I nonetheless feel that way. Is that the general consensus - go with it rather than surpress?

 

I was particularly touched by the sentiment at the end of your post, Sa Skimrande. I agree with you, too, that acceptance of my own difference is the ideal state, and certainly one towards which I will work. I feel I have some way to go, though.

 

Smiley, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. It seems you're in a kind of vortex of needing to express yourself and then feeling bad for doing so. That's a tough one for you, but please don't worry about how we will react. The beauty of a forum is that no one is obliged to read your posts, so you're not a burden to anyone, but generally there will be some who will read and reply.

 

Lyndalou, your post could have described me, and I thank you so much for sharing. I, too, spent hours playing on my own, and I used to talk to things rather than people. I talked to my hen, I talked to Bungle from Rainbow, I talked to my cat, who could be quite wild. I was never girly. One clear memory of when i was five was being asked in class to choose different shades of the same colour for colouring a doily-thing (always hated colouring, lol) and all the other girl chose pinks, so I got the greens all to myself. I became used to having opinions which were entirely different from my immediate demographic. I never had a crush on a boy for his looks; I didn't care about looks. I never personalised my room, save for a collection of the same soft drinks bottle. I was never, ever fashionable, and had no interest in being so. Like you, Lyndalou, I find no relief in the explanation, just bewilderment. I know I have to work through this, and I've been offered some good advice for doing so. But it won't be an overnight thing.

 

Thanks all. It's a big deal that you have all taken the time to share your own thoughts and experiences.

Edited by Mannify

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