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I am so Depressed. I have Aspergers?

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Hello people. I am 19 years old and have Aspergers. I have never been able to make any mates & even if I have they start to get put off with me after a while due to the fact that I can't relate to what they are saying and vice versa.

 

I am quite self analytical and am aware that I do come across as dis-coordinated and disorientated socially. I am quite intelligent but because of my Aspergers traits other people think or have a Pre-Conceived Notion that I am moronic & many people in my life have seemed to harbor a malevolence against me just for the way I act or come across including teachers at previous schools as well.

 

I have hung around with all sorts of lads in my teenage years. From the 'home arrest trouble kids' who get up to no good and are smoking fags when they are 12. To those who are considered 'Outcasts or Moshers' - To guys who are into bodybuilding and partying - To Weed Smoking Slackers & I just find them all so boring and hard to relate to.

 

Now I am most of the time completely alone. I live in an a quiet area full of chavs which makes me even more anxious walking around the area as I have been ridiculed on the street by random people before. My parents own a convenience shop which I used to run sometimes and didn't mind doing small talk and banter with the customers but now I don't go because I just hate doing it - There will always be that one arrogant or cocky person who happens to come in and they will just ruin my day.

 

I have recently started doing English A Levels from Home & I am surprised how much higher my level of comprehension is when I am in a quite atmosphere rather than in a class full of everyone talking.

 

I have tried going to a couple of Aspergers Help Places but I am really put off ever going again. The last time I went was a woman who talked to me for about an hour and seemed to relate to what I was saying. She said 'Do you want to meet the other higher functioning Aspergers People' - And I said 'Yes' - I went upstairs and it was full of people in the nicest way to put this clearly very low in the IQ Range and obviously not Higher Functioning. Never mind articulacy - They couldn't even speak properly. I found it very humiliating and depressing being associated with people like that.

 

I have a really bad problem with my senses which no one seems to get. The sounds are too loud, the smells are too strong, the lights are too bright.

 

I really actually do feel like there is a wall between me and other people. I don't know anyone else Aspergers. I'm not going to one of these help centers again where they associate someone like me with someone who is obviously very low functioning and they are delusively associating the two probably due to budget cuts. Any Advice?

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Hi Testing_Manners

 

Welcome to the forum and I hope you can find some answers to your questions here.

 

There are a lot of adults on the spectrum on the forum as well as parents who can also give their perspectives.

 

Lynda :)

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Hi after making changes to my diet i found my senstive hearing was less painful. Some folk have tried the tomatis method or listening programme. i think theres a thread in the therapies section,

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Are you planning on going to uni once you've finished your A levels? The environment there tends to be quieter and more focussed, and I've personally found that my uni has really good support for Aspergers. I've also had the opportunity to meet other aspies through a social group for students with ASDs that's part of the uni's student union. It's not without it's own difficulties, but I've found it to be a big improvement on college and school life.

I've also had the same problem of not being able to relate to others in regional Aspergers groups. In the meantime maybe you could try to join a local group/society specific to your hobbies or interests? You might meet people of a wider range of age and experience, and might benefit from socialising with people more mature than the ones you've been having difficulties with. I don't really socialise much but I go to martial arts every day, and I find that it fulfils my social needs, as well as keeping me fit (which really helps against depression) and helping to improve coordination.

Hope that helps :)

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Are you planning on going to uni once you've finished your A levels? The environment there tends to be quieter and more focussed, and I've personally found that my uni has really good support for Aspergers. I've also had the opportunity to meet other aspies through a social group for students with ASDs that's part of the uni's student union. It's not without it's own difficulties, but I've found it to be a big improvement on college and school life.

I've also had the same problem of not being able to relate to others in regional Aspergers groups. In the meantime maybe you could try to join a local group/society specific to your hobbies or interests? You might meet people of a wider range of age and experience, and might benefit from socialising with people more mature than the ones you've been having difficulties with. I don't really socialise much but I go to martial arts every day, and I find that it fulfils my social needs, as well as keeping me fit (which really helps against depression) and helping to improve coordination.

Hope that helps :)

 

Thanks Atlantis. I do plan to go on to University one day but I think it may be in a few years yet. Seeing as for now I am only doing one A Level which is English Language & Literature.

 

I am finding it quite easy and great so far and later on into the year I may start more subjects - I am using Open Study College and I can't really fault it to be honest. I wish I had done this instead of doing Gcse's at school where the teachers were very misunderstanding and condescending.

 

I have thought of joining some classes but then I can't drive and hate going on Buses or Public Transport with a lot of people. I used to be a boxer and was going to do amateur fights a few years back when I was around 14 but I moved abroad for a year and then my eye-site just had gotten up to the point where I could only train with contacts (Which I never liked).

 

I was going to join music college but the timetable was too demanding so that isn't going to happen. I feel like I am too genuine for people whereas all the people I know do things which are confusing to me (Like the guy who I hung around with at my last school who was into bodybuilding and made out we were close but then began to completely ignore me on Facebook)

 

I could hang around with people. But I find it cripplingly boring and it just makes me exceedingly anxious as they are all talking to each other and I don't know what to say.

 

When I do go to University. I am probably going to live at home. Because living with other students who are too loud is just too much for my senses and i'll end up having a breakdown.

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Perhaps learning to drive would open up a few more options for you? If you're planning on carrying on living in that area with your parents and you don't like walking around there it sounds like a good solution. It would also mean you could get out and go to some classes, or just find somewhere quiet to relax! As you're studying I imagine paying for lessons etc would be difficult, but maybe if you could explain to your parents how helpful it would be for you- and perhaps even for them!- they would be willing to help you out. It would also give you something to look forward to and focus on in the the short-term, and a sense of achievement when you pass your test!

 

I feel like I am too genuine for people whereas all the people I know do things which are confusing to me (Like the guy who I hung around with at my last school who was into bodybuilding and made out we were close but then began to completely ignore me on Facebook)

 

 

Is it that you would like to socialise but are afraid of experiencing the same feeling of rejection, or is it more that you want to feel more comfortable with your own company? Do you have a specific interest that you can dedicate your time to, so that you can feel like your alone time is purposeful without the need for other people to be involved?

 

 

 

 

When I do go to University. I am probably going to live at home. Because living with other students who are too loud is just too much for my senses and i'll end up having a breakdown.

 

That's why I got a little flat all to myself ;) and I even pay less than my friends in shared accommodation! :)

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Yeah I have been planning to learn driving although automatic would be preferred. It's something I would really have to get sorted quick as considering I hate the area I live in and public transportation.

 

The open study college A Level I do was all for one payment of £350 and gives about 18 months of tutoring until it ends. Regarding the socializing perspective. I do have a fear of social rejection as I feel a lot of people judge me before getting to know me.

 

Regardless of this though even those who do accept me; It is the problem of not sharing the same interests as me, not being able to have a laugh with them. Not enjoying partying or getting smashed which is what a lot of kids these days tend to do.

 

I find a lot of people my age very immature and juvenile. To me it just seems like the same cliched cycle of 'My mum and dad hate me and don't understand me that's why I smoke weed' which they will grow out of in a few years.

 

Despite being polar opposites in personality regards. I still find it strange how someone would make out they are close to you only to start ignoring you just because they simply can't be bothered. Being Aspergers I find this attitude of fickleness towards friendships that many people have to be bizarre.

 

I could live in a flat all by myself. But being too lonely like that would really depress me. And also I think getting a job whilst i'm at home and saving the money over the years will be a better option so I can buy my own house when I reach into my later 20's. I reckon I am going to be one of these blokes who is going to be single for the rest of my life so I might even adopt a child when I reach about 28 or 29 (Although I don't know if I would be allowed into consideration because of my condition)

 

How old are you Atlantis? And are you at University? It states that your a Female that's all much I know for now.. haha

 

Thanks a lot for the help. I have joined a forum for people with social anxiety amongst others and have never received any level of help to this degree. Cheers!

Edited by Testing_Manners

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No problem :) I'm glad it's been helpful.

 

 

Regarding the socializing perspective. I do have a fear of social rejection as I feel a lot of people judge me before getting to know me.

 

Regardless of this though even those who do accept me; It is the problem of not sharing the same interests as me, not being able to have a laugh with them. Not enjoying partying or getting smashed which is what a lot of kids these days tend to do.

 

I find a lot of people my age very immature and juvenile. To me it just seems like the same cliched cycle of 'My mum and dad hate me and don't understand me that's why I smoke weed' which they will grow out of in a few years.

 

Hmmm can't think of a good way to say this, but it's meant to be constructive more than a criticism: Do you think it's possible that you think you're judged by other people because you're quite quick to judge others yourself? It sounds like you have strong opinions about those around you, perhaps without getting to know them better first? I ask because I know it's something I do a lot (I often assume I understand people's motivations, and that they're the same as my own, but later find out I was wrong), and perhaps if you gave them more of a chance you might believe they will give you a chance too? I used to worry about it a lot, but over time I've realised that people don't put half as much thought into judging me as I fear- most people are far too lazy! ;)

 

I'll PM you about my age etc- I don't mind telling you but I feel uncomfortable about posting that stuff on the open forum! Also, I introduced myself in a post in the Meet n Greet section a couple of days ago :)

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No problem :) I'm glad it's been helpful.

 

 

 

 

Hmmm can't think of a good way to say this, but it's meant to be constructive more than a criticism: Do you think it's possible that you think you're judged by other people because you're quite quick to judge others yourself? It sounds like you have strong opinions about those around you, perhaps without getting to know them better first? I ask because I know it's something I do a lot (I often assume I understand people's motivations, and that they're the same as my own, but later find out I was wrong), and perhaps if you gave them more of a chance you might believe they will give you a chance too? I used to worry about it a lot, but over time I've realised that people don't put half as much thought into judging me as I fear- most people are far too lazy! ;)

 

I'll PM you about my age etc- I don't mind telling you but I feel uncomfortable about posting that stuff on the open forum! Also, I introduced myself in a post in the Meet n Greet section a couple of days ago :)

 

 

Yeah you do have a point. Although I don't particularly come across as judgmental to be honest. I come across as really friendly & cheerful (This is more recently I have started come out of my shell at school I always used to be very mute but randomly blurt out in a conversation or not respond when someone said something to me)

 

It's not been about 2 years since I left school & It's passed so unbelievably quick that to me it seems like only 10 months or something.

 

Anyway since I left school my only form of social contact is working in the shop sometimes which my parents own. I rarely do it though now. Most of the people who are our customers are people anywhere from the 30 to much older range.

 

But some people my age who come in sometimes (More specifically girls) I have tried really hard being friendly with - And they were nice at first but then all of a sudden started acting completely stand offish and cold with me. I used to think that they became shallow all of a sudden but they all seem to like my dad who is like a older & bolder version of myself so the only reason I can think off is that they start judging me because of my demeanor or how I come across because of my condition.

 

People say you can't really take working in a shop as a social life. And I have to admit in reality you can't but being limited for options that's the only place I can turn to.

 

I rarely come across someone who is extremely nice or cheerful when I work there. Most people are just okay or miserable - Which just puts me off going to be honest.

 

Some people at my last school were pretty nice it was a private school. But I never made the effort with them and always hung around with this other lad I had nothing in common with. I was there for a couple of years and I added them all on Facebook delusively thinking they would see another side to me if I talked to them online but to no avail.

 

So I can't really say I have had any form of social contact since then. The problem is I really don't no where to start. I don't know anyone Aspergers despite knowing so many people. The Aspergers Help Centers just mix someone with my intelligence with people who are obviously nowhere in the same IQ range due to cutting costs down.

 

So I really am stuck in a rut. I don't feel my age either I feel still in the 12 to 13 range when in reality i'm going to be 20 before I know it! When I started high school as an 11 year old is as fresh in my memory like it happened only a couple of years ago. When in reality it happened almost 8 years ago.

 

All's I can do is sail through life and hope for it to go quick (It certainly has so far haha)

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Hi there

 

I was in almost exactly your position when I was your age but the difference back then was that AS was unheard of. I knew I was different but could not understand why I had no friends. I definately had social anxiety but had little or nothing in common with other kids my age. I never had any luck with girls and like you, thought I would remain single forever. I could not understant fickle or casual friendships/relationships. But years later, I have come to realise my problems in life were largely down to AS and have managed to overcome some of my difficulties. Joining this forum was a great help, plus observing and learning from people in my job. I wasn't intelligent enough to go to university but am lucky enough to be married. So things can get better for you although you may not see this yet. I certainly didn't see a bright future when I was in my early 20s.

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When I was in my teens I also used to try to fit in by hanging out with people who were very different and get very upset when I couldn't relate to them or they rejected me. Trying too hard to make friends with someone is a mistake - I think you need to see what they are like first, ask them what they like doing and for their opinions on things which matter to you and if you think you have something in common with them you can pursue the friendship. In the past I've made friends online who've become friends in real life through forums, if you have a special interest you may be able to find an online forum for the interest with people in your local area you can meet.

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When I was in my teens I also used to try to fit in by hanging out with people who were very different and get very upset when I couldn't relate to them or they rejected me. Trying too hard to make friends with someone is a mistake - I think you need to see what they are like first, ask them what they like doing and for their opinions on things which matter to you and if you think you have something in common with them you can pursue the friendship. In the past I've made friends online who've become friends in real life through forums, if you have a special interest you may be able to find an online forum for the interest with people in your local area you can meet.

 

Hey Scaffell. I can totally relate to where your coming from. Although I have never been extremely persistent with anyone (I maybe have tried once or twice with someone if that person obviously still gave me cold vibes I would keep away) -

 

I've always ended up hanging around with atleast one person but it was always a neutral process. In all honest I have almost thought of giving up on trying to make mates. I could hang around with lads if I wanted to but I just can't relate to them. I've been to private school, state school, even lived abroad for a year and feel totally alienated from everyone.

 

There is always small talk but when someone is so dissimilar to others around them it never really goes beyond that. I also get overwhelmed easily and my senses get overloaded which means with a congregated group of about 4 or 5 I get really disorientated.

 

I used to have quiet a lot of online friends a few years back but have now lost contact with a lot of them. I try making online mates now but it isn't as easy as it was a couple of years back (I don't know if people have become more shallow or just more reserved with strangers) - But yeah a couple of years ago I could easily make online mates.

 

Nowadays at the most someone random may accept a friend request on Facebook but never really reply to messages.

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