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cmuir

Specialist school placement offered but son refusing to go

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I've been a bit of a stranger over the past couple of years, but things have changed a lot in terms of how my son presents. He's in his last primary year in school and has been self harming, had 3 exclusions, assaulted a Challenging Behaviour Teacher, etc. etc. I'm not excusing any of his behaviour, but I've also battled to get across to Education 'Professionals' that he is misunderstood, staff don't understand/acknowledge/deal with his behaviour appropriately (he's been in mainstream since starting school). Four years ago I have a specialist placing request turned down for a school that's teaches Autistic children. He wasn't deemed to be disabled enough. Since then, I'd always communicated that I felt this was wrong and his mainstream placement coupled with level of support wasn't enough. His behaviour was always much worse at home, but last year after a change of HT, his behaviour became extremely challenging in school. Still, staff were talking about a placement to a High School with an Inclusion Unit. Suddenly, out of the blue, the Education Authority had turned down the 'compromise' of the Inclusion Unit, but offered a place at the specialist school he was turned down four years ago.

 

I'm really cross that things have had to reach crisis point before anything was done (kiddo tried to strangle himself with a belt twice, and there have been lots of other incidents).

 

I'm also really upset that he was denied the specialist early intervention 4 years ago, which had he been moved at the time, would have been much easier on him. Big issue now is that although I think I'm happy about the placement, I'm really upset for kiddo that I know it's not what he wants. He believes that he has friends (none of them are what you'd call real friends really - he doesn't get invited for play-dates, etc), but he said that he feels that we all want to take him away from the very people that keep him going. R is in complete denial, he's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, is refusing to take his medication, is very challenging physically and emotionally, etc. etc. Special school has lots of good ideas about transition, but I feel this is all like pulling a plaster - the longer is takes, the more painful it becomes (there is no chance of an early start). Special school told me that there is a child who came from mainstream, hasn't engaged with the school at all, and 8 months later papers are being drawn up to move him into an Inclusion Unit. I'm worried this could happen - I think the school could be great for him, but really concerned he'll make his mind up not to make it work. We've talked about trying to stay in touch with peers, etc, but he's just not interested. To top it all, school have been taking him on class visits to the Inclusion Unit High School (where he wants to go) for school projects (they don't share my view that it's rubbing salt in the wound and contributing to him being in denial!). Kiddo is refusing to visit special school, etc. Got a meeting next week, but feel at rock bottom - this could go on for months and months.

 

Anyone have any ideas? Would be much appreciated.

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Sorry you've not received any responses yet to your post. It sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be in. Has your son been able to express why he won't even visit the school? Have you got a brochure or is there a website for the school that you could look at with him? You may have done this all already.... Have you got mental health input at the moment if he is refusing to acknowledge the problems he is having? I have to admit that 10/11 is probably a very young age to fully understand the implications of refusing medication etc. He is probably desperately wanting to fit in and the mere mention of him going to a Specialist School will likely be enough to make him very confused and angry I would have thought.

 

Does he have any friends where he is at school if he has been there for 7 years? Again, if he does, he may be petrified at the thought of leaving these friends behind and the thought of such a massive change would be very frightening. Does he see these friends out of school at after school activities? Is there any way that these activities could continue to maintain continuity when he was at a different school? I am also wondering if any of his friends would understand his difficulties enough to accompany him to visit the school even.

 

This is a giant step into the unknown for him so I think there needs to be as much familiarity maintained as possible.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help than this.

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I really feel for you.

 

Does your son go willingly to school? I ask because my son has always hated going to school but it got worse in last year of primary. My son did not have a diagnosis and refused to look at any other school than the one his 'friends' were going to. However, since going up to high school he had more and more absent days and has not been to school for a year. He is under CAMHS due to anxiety. I now know the high school was totally unsuitable as too large and no SEN ASD unit attached. He has seen none of his 'friends' in that time. You know your son.

As it is a transition time and there will be change I think you and your son need to consider what will meet his needs. If his challenging behaviour is in school then there must be a reason. Where he is at school is no longer suitable and if the LA are saying he needs different type to schooling they should arrange that now. What does the mental health team think? If he is not taking medication go back to the prescriber and tell them. Under NICE guidelines medication should be a last resort. Is he having other input.

 

I think once a firm decision is made about placement then you can all start to work towards that goal.

 

Feeling your frustration and am sending positive vibes.

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Sorry it has come to this, as I know this has been going on for years with your son deteriorating, and so frustrating to be offered something they offered and then withdrew years ago.

 

My advice would be to visit both placements and see what the peer group is like. Also what your son's daily timetable would be at either school and what environment he would be in.

 

Remember that he should be placed with a similar peer group academically, socially and emotionally. And you may need independent reports to find out what that is. I think Clinical Psychology could be very useful [try NHS first - ask for a referral to a CP team that has experience of working with children with Anxiety and ASD]. Remember that CAHMS is about medication, and CP is about psychology and how the mind thinks and so CP is the professionals that can advice school on things that they can do for your son in school. My son's current school buys in a child psychologist who works with my son and other children in the school.

 

Whatever placement he goes to must meet his needs. So if he has a high level of anxiety that needs to be supported and addressed at either placement. That might mean he needs small classes [do both placements offer that]. He may need to be taught in the same classroom rather than moving for each lesson. He may need to remain in that environment and not be fed into 'mainstream classes'. His anxiety is really important and that above all else is affecting how and IF he can access education.

 

Also how are the lessons presented in both placements. Are they both ASD specific. Do they offer therapies such as SALT/OT and what is provided 'as standard'. Do they offer life skills, or access to any other professionals?

 

My son has had to move schools twice. Both times he was upset about losing friends. His last move did mean he lost contact with a boy he considered his best friend, and they did use to play together at school - but as you know from my postings, my son became too anxious to attend school at all and he was also self harming. So I think you really need to take your son's anxiety as the major issue at the moment which is probably causing alot of the other behaviour. My son has now made new friends. One really good friend. And he is going on a school trip to Italy in a couple of weeks. And we never imagined he would achieve something like that so quickly. Your son will not be able to 'imagine' these things. He can only go on what he has experience of now.

 

It is also very hard if he is refusing to take medication and refusing to visit schools. But I think that you need to look at the two placements and see which is the one that he will be okay in. And make sure that that placement offer is on the table by getting it in writing.

 

I would talk to your son about what he finds difficult in school currently. I would encourage him to go for a trial of a couple of days to whichever school you are offered a place at, and if you are happy with that placement. There is no point getting him to come to terms with change and visit a place and then for him to be told that he won't be going there and have to get him used to the idea of a different placement.

 

There is also he issue of his self confidence and self esteem and how he feels to be not coping where he is, and then being offered a place where he may think the other children are stupid, or it is a school for children who have something wrong with them. So you need help to explore what his feeings are about himself and about others.

 

Regarding medication. Is he having side effects from them? Do you know why he is refusing them? Do you think the medication was working or helping when he was taking it. My son tried one medication and we moved him onto something else because he was not any better, and in some ways he was worse.

 

Finally, I don't know what support or legal rights you have from an educational point of view in Scotland, so I would suggest you get that from the NAS or similar.

 

Finallly I think you have to come to terms with the fact that your son has to go to the right placement even if that means he is out of school for some time. Indeed it is often ONLY children who have got to that stage who are finally offered the placement they need. That is probably countrywide, and is unfair, but is how the current system works. My son was never offered his current placement. We were always told he was mainstream material and the LA argued that right up to the tribunal eventhough it was crystal clear he was not.

 

It took my son about a year for him to get to any stage where he could attempt a graduated return. And your son may need that. He has to like the placement and he has to trust those at the placement that they will support him and that he will not be required to "endure" what he has been enduring so far. A Quck Fix is not going to work if anxiety is involved. He cannot possibly just start full time at another placement and expect that it will all go smoothly. It won't. He needs time.

Edited by Sally44

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I just wanted to add that you really do need to find out how the SEN process works. What your legal rights are [your son's rights etc] and follow that process. Time and again it has taken me a long time, but on every occasion I have finally got what I have been asking for because i've followed the system and provided the proof. And it should not be like this, but it is. There are too many children and not enough specialist places for them.

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A further thought. My son did not want to leave his former mainstream primary school. Eventhough he was so anxious he was vomitting he had not 'connected' the vomitting with his 'feelings' and with his 'anxiety'.

 

We had a couple of sessions with Clinical Psychology [well I did, not my son]. They gave me a book to go through with him called "When my tummy hurts", which is about helping an autistic child understand how 'worry' can produce physical symptoms. And to help identify what the worries are.

 

For example, my son was in the school play, but he was so anxious about it that he vomitted, and so I was phoned to come and collect him because he was 'ill' [he wasn't, but anyway ....]. When I arrived to collect him my son said "but I don't want to leave. I'm in the play. What will Mr xxxxx do if I am not here. He has said i'm his best one" [actor]. So my son felt obliged to endure demands placed upon him when those in charge should have realised that he could not take it. And he felt compelled to come back so that he did not let his teacher down because that was to do with his self esteem. So it can be quite a complicated thing going on in your son's head.

 

Part of his refusing medication and a different placement might be to do with his refusal to accept his diagnosis and that he is 'different'. My son equated 'autism' with 'being a loser' 'being rubbish' 'being stupid' 'everyone hating me'. So we had to work on what 'autism' is. And even when he was assessed by the Educational psychologist who told him that he was "as intelligent as any other child" - ie. average IQ; my son did not believe him. He said "so I'm not stupid?". And for a long time he thought he was being teased. Children with Dyslexia feel stupid, so how does a child with autism and speech and language and social communication issues try to understand their emotions/feelings and communicate them.

Edited by Sally44

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Hi both

 

Many thanks for your replies.

 

Difficult situation. All kiddo can talk about is school, school, school. I've been drip-feeding him information about the specialist placement school. It had been thought initially that R would go into an Inclusion Unit, but his behaviour, etc. dictated that his needs couldn't be met and so the specialist placement was offered. It's Edinburgh's only school for autistic children, and I was very impressed when I visited. Their main focus is on social skills first and foremost, but the school showed a real awareness of R's sensory issues (which no one else has!). To a point they follow the Scottish curriculum where possible. I'm happy that the school can meet his needs. The big unknown is whether R will go and engage with staff and want to try and make it work. At the moment, he's very low and wants to stay with his 'friends'. I'm certain that his anxiety and depression is attributable to an ablity to cope even in a very small mainstream school (for lots of reasons). We're working with a Psychologist at CAMHS who is very good. She felt going down the CP route was a non-start due to how kiddo was presenting, but hopes that on the meds things might change for CAMHS to tailor the way they work with him. I think we're in for a difficult few months, but there's a saying that things have to get worse before they get better.

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I think that you and school need to do as much as you can to reduce his anxiety. Has this special placement been offered to your son in writing? If not ask for it by sending a letter. Arrange a date for you to go and visit on your own if you need another visit or to talk to school or therapy staff, then talk to them about how to arrange a visit by your son.

 

You want his visit to be something he enjoys, so it might not even involve classrooms or seeing other pupils at first. It maybe that he goes in for a couple of hours with the OT to do some OT stuff [which is usually fun games], and you could arrange with school and your son that you will sit in on that [you can take a magazine and read it while they are doing their stuff].

 

My son was very anxious, and he would not agree to go until I promised that I would stay with him for as long as he needed. And the school were okay with that too.

 

If it is to work it has to be at your son's pace. Does your son have any specific interest eg. star wars or pokemon etc. Often therre is another kid with a similar interest. The class that my son was going into had children with interests the same as him and so he was given a book of the childrens faces [only 8 in the class inc. my son], and he was told what each child liked ie. Tom likes Transformers. And when my son was introduced to the class it was to one child at a time through their interests.

 

My son's school really did everything they could to make him feel comfortable. They used a "now and next" timetable only so he could not become anxious about something happening in the afternoon. The TA often asked if he needed a 'break', and extra time was built into his timetable for 'lego' time or a 'walk around the school' or 'time in the OT room'.

 

My son started on just two afternoons a week. And it took about 9 months for him to be on the full time timetable.

 

I had many short but drip drip conversations with my son about him trusting me to find a school where he would be happy - where there were children just like him - that he was not stupid - that his worries were making him feel ill - that this new school would be a nice place - that the children liked the same things that he did - that the staff would take really good care of him - that he could tell them if he could not take it anymore and they would listen. And I promised him that if he needed me to go into the school with him that I would do that until he felt it was okay for me to leave.

 

I transported him initially and I stayed in school until he said it was okay for me to leave. You have to remember that our children have been living under a chronic level of stress for such a long time and they do not believe that anyone understands that they are struggling. Often they are 'encouraged' to endure more, when they should just be listened to and allowed to take a break. This was a basic promise the school made to my son. So when he said he had had enough no-one ever said "just 5 more minutes". Clinical Psychology were very good in putting in writing that he needed to be able to communicate his needs, and he needed to see that when he did that people listened to him. Initially he indicated this by using a hand signal because he could not even verbalise his needs because when he became anxious he could not find the words to say what he wanted to say.

 

Yes CAHMS said the same to us, and we did not have any sessions with CP for my son. But CP saw me and they gave me information and books to work through with my son. So that might be worth bringing up with CAHMS to see if they will refer you because you do need to have some advice from them because it is helpful.

Edited by Sally44

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Hi Sally

 

Thanks. We have had a formal offer of a specialist placement in writing. My husband and I have visited and were very impressed. I asked what they knew about R and was surprised by how much they actually did know. We also spoke about his interests, etc. He knows a couple of older boys (who''ll be leaving soon unfortunately) and his love of football (as well as issues relating to games, etc). They're arranging for the older boys to show him around and the ex-footballer learning assistant to work with R. I was very impressed with the things that they're putting in place. I have a meeting on Monday and am looking forward to hearing more about their transition plan. All of what you're saying about your own son is very true of mine. It's a very long and slow road isn't it? There's no easy solution. I'll certainly ask CAMHS at CP input even if it's only to advise me on strategies, etc. Thanks again.

 

Caroline.

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