Aspergers and Identity

[atlantis]

Hi folks,

 

I've just been reading an article in the latest New Scientist about the idea of the 'self' and it's really got me thinking...

 

When I was diagnosed I spoke to the people who gave me the diagnosis a lot about the fact that I have no stable sense of identity, and change depending on what the situation calls for. Apparently this is a common feeling among aspies- in females in particular.

 

In this article it talks about 3 core beliefs that determine the sense of self, one of them being 'continuity'- the sense that the person you are today is the same person you were yesterday.

 

While I think this is true for me on the whole, I feel like my sense of identity- and in fact 'self'- changes dramatically on a day-to-day basis, much more so than for my NT friends and family.

 

In myself I'm fairly comfortable with this, but the times when it becomes a source of anxiety are when people I know and love are confused by it. Over time the changeability of my personality seems to have alienated a lot of people, I guess because it's probably difficult for them to see me as 'genuine', or the person they get attached to can so quickly seem to become someone else.

 

I'm just wondering what other people's experiences of this might be? Do other aspies have a comparatively stable sense of identity, or feel a bit confused?

 

Or does anyone have any interesting links/info on the subject?

 

Edited February 22, 2013 by atlantis

[smileyK]

@ atlantis - I totally agree with both your personal experience and research that has been made and with my own personal experiences of having unsteady shaky rocky foundations upon identity and personality too as both 'feed' into each other making you seem disorientated , lost and confused within it all, I find situation very frustrating and 'pure' struggle/battle at times with it all I personally believe this is why I don't feel content settle comfortable with 'everything' nor "in control" either hope someday find source which helps bring "something better" XKLX

[smileyK]

* I think it is essential part of understanding yourself and your life otherwise everything else isn't complete and whole that becomes difficult to 'fill' as such when it isn't there to begin with -chasing and searching becomes draining trying to figure identity crisis out make sense of why it is missing I suppose this identity crisis more common issue in females due to it being such natural central main role in 'our lives'

[watergirl]

I totally agree with you both..........it has been a MAJOR factor in my life, and has confused most people I know over the years, and alienated a few too.

I find it very frustrating.....it makes me feel guilty for the confusion it causes others, and I now have to think ahead when planning anything, as the lack of continuity can mean that I either let people down a lot....or have to do things that don't feel are right when the time arrives, in order to please others. My GP initially suggested I had border-line personality disorder......but the final dx was Asperger's......and I think I'm happier with that outcome as it is easier to deal with, and other people tend to understand it better....if I tell them at all. But overall, it has meant that I have become more isolated, as I don't feel that I identify with other people on many levels at all

[Linnet]

I also stuggle with my sense of identity and this isn't helped by my 'faceblindness' as unless I am looking in a mirror I don't know what I look like. I change depending on who I am with and this leads to people having a view of me that does not reflect who I am at all eg I have been told this week that I am very feminine despite the fact that I almost always wear trousers (feel like a man in drag in a dress) and have little or no interest in 'girly' things. Also, been asked to look after some documents for someone who believes I am well organised despite me having to give all my important documents to my mum or I lose them. I do not seem to have a sense of 'self' in my own right but only see myself in relation to other people eg as a mum, wife, daughter.

[smileyK]

@ water girl - like you struggling to work out if this actual mental health issue I already have outstanding which needs looking into further (Bi-polar or BPD) questioning seriously wondering possibility or whether just leaving well alone and 'accepting' finally it is 'just AS' and depression which plays apart in 'identity crisis issues' I get sucked in to cycle of trying piece information and details together so finally can rest and have sense of natural harmony and peace am I asking too much from myself and my life?! Am I always going feel like going round endless circles making myself 'dizzy' with trying to find 'answers' out there somewhere! p.s find this interesting subject Topic with opinions and personal experiences and 'stories' shared on here!

[Lyndalou]

I think I go through spurts of 'reinvention' - don't know if this is the same thing or something similar. Since my teens I have identified (if you like) with the image of the butterfly because of the metamorphisis it goes through. I used the butterfly motif in my art work at Art College and I always have a few butterflies in various forms around the house. I used to think that the reason I was drawn to them was because of their beauty and how delicate they were but some years ago it occured to me that it was simply that they could change and that they could fly away.

 

I never have a complete personality change. I simply copy bits of other people into my own personality or the way I look and I think I can trace this back to around the age of 10 when I started looking at the other girls and recognised that I wasn't as tidy or pretty, fashionable or popular. Up until this time it didn't bother me at all that I was mostly untidy and unkempt and that my nails were bitten to the quick. I had to wear specially made shoes all through Primary and it was only about this age that my mum allowed me to wear shoes like the other girls wore and I remember how happy I was to get the fashionable shoes the popular girls were wearing at the time although I didn't look fashionable at all in any other way so i still stuck out like a sore thumb!

[smileyK]

When look in the mirror feel 'disassociative state' of "who I am" where I belong /where fit in causes so much stress,anxiety surrounding me throughout makes you feel uncomfortable! Feel like sometimes I'm split between two yet trapped I feel I am two "different" people in one of 'me'

[watergirl]

Wow this is amazing...........I need to think about this a bit and post again later....., but this all makes so much sense.......My mental image of myself is very, very different to what I see in the mirror......and re the butterfly effect (no, not the film, lol)...........That really made sense....see my Tat below.....please don't ask where it is !!!

[smileyK]

I know from doing my college course that identity interlinked to so many other factors within your life and which can really impact and adjust identity issues further! And identity can also be connected with self-image and join in a circle (which doesn't break) keeps going round with identity in the centre/middle with other factors on the outside! Self esteem is another factor then mental health issues can mainly damage /mess up your whole identity! XKLX

[atlantis]

Lots of interesting posts!

 

@Linnet it happens a lot to me too that I get told I'm a very feminine and delicate person, when on the inside I feel much more masculine than most other girls! Although I do wear skirts and makeup and things I do seem to think much more logically and my interests are much more typically male. I get called 'cute' all the time and it drives me nuts! When I was little I really wanted to be a boy and would wear my brother's clothes- I used to love it when people thought I was a boy. My gender identity has always been a little shaky, I guess. Last year in my art degree I did a whole project on androgyny, and loved dressing up ambiguously! I think in an ideal world I'd be male some days and female other days... I think in reality that would be too confusing for people though!

 

@Lyndalou I really like the idea of 'reinvention' you talk about, and I think this is something I can really relate to- as although I feel like my sense of identity is in constant flux from time to time I'll completely reinvent my look/outlook. Also the fact that you're 'drawn to' butterflies- me too! My flat is decorated with butterflies, I have butterfly clothes and jewellery and they seem to pop up in my art work too. I never really noticed until someone said to me 'you really are obsessed with butterflies, aren't you?' haha.

 

@watergirl nice tattoo! And I totally agree- my mental image of myself is different to what I see in the mirror too. It's interesting that they were thinking of dxing you with borderline personality disorder, but settled on Aspergers- you'd think they'd be so completely different that they'd be easy to distinguish! Before I was dx'd I always wondered if I had something like that.

[Lyndalou]

Lovely tat Watergirl! Really like it. I've always been too much of a wuss to get a tattoo but I've always had it in mind to get a copy of a picture of a warrior on a horse which is depicted on a standing stone from my home town. Alongside the butterfly, it is a motif that is ingrained into my mind and depicts how I've always felt I've had to be...fighting my way through life. I used to go to the museum when I was a young teen and just stood looking at this stone!

[smileyK]

I think close yet fine balancing lines between everything as chained together messy clumped not neatly like "norms" out there the files are untidy and unorganised which seems complicate and make identity crisis issues more awakard to face head on or know where to start! As like "everything else" there long list growing all time from "no-where" seems be never ending! Always seem to busy mentally and emotionally active lot time overly so!

[JeanneA]

Love the tatts, my daughter has a butterfly tattoo on her ankle and it looks really nice, I've never had the courage to have one though, I'm not brave enough :-(

[watergirl]

Thanks for the compliments re my tat....(blush)....they are not that painful ...in the right place...honest I have many thoughts on this topic of identity....some of them are difficult to deal with....and I want to take a little time out before saying else.....and I'm with wine at present.. so probably best to wait 'til tomorrow......

[watergirl]

I just spent 2 hours writing a long and detailed reply quoting so many things from the above posts......then it wouldn't post as I had got odd numbers of quote marks or something strange GRRR.......so I re-did it by cutting and pasting all the quotes for my reply.....got to the last one and the whole lot suddenly disappeared off the screen....lost for ever....(there was no wine involved....honest).....I'm close to tears, as I know what I wanted to say, and it's gone

 

I cannot do it a third time without risking hitting the pc with something heavy, but......... overall, everything that has been said above resonates with me VERY strongly........ I do find it interesting that it is us girls who have chatted about this. One basic question that is not worded very well, but......do AS/ASD females have more issues re identity? If so, could this be anything to do with the Baron Cohen male brain theory, linked with gender identity as discussed by some of us.........my thinking is a bit vague, but any thoughts in this direction anyone?

[Lyndalou]

No time right now to comment on the post but really sorry you've had so much trouble trying to post (and losing everything!). I know the feeling - it's happened to me more than once. I'm not sure if it's my computer or a glitch on the forum. I'll report it and see if there's some problem needing fixed. You could also pop a little something in the techie support bit as someone may be able to shed some light.

[Shnoing]

Problems with the concept of "self" might arise from weak central coherence (in the brain, that is).

 

I often have problems with stating my own opinion boldly - while everyone else seems to have no inhibitions to talk the biggest nonsense.

[Alain Menai]

Hi,

Interesting post. My answer would be: There is no yesterday and no tomorrow, there is only NOW. Disregard your attachment to these concepts and you will find yourself.

[l'anima semplicetta]

Yes, interesting post and I like AM's comment above. There are lots of reasons why people can have difficulties with their sense of identity, and it could be that people with AS have more than their fair share of difficulties. However, from my perspective, I actually found that the diagnosis of AS actually reaffirmed my sense of who I am ... maybe I am just less bothered about forcing myself to fit in these days

[smileyK]

Beginning to think question will I ever find out 'the real me' who's hidden! Even though working hard to find what I'm looking for! XKLX

[Alain Menai]

Hi. Completely agree with l' anima semplicetta, I felt exactly the same on diagnosis and I am still learning to not have to fit in. I restrict real time contact with the outside world to prevent me from becoming over-tired. When I do have to interact I put real effort in to behaving in a positive manner and whilst I have no wish to do any harm, some people do seem to be able to provoke me into being slightly controversial.

[Lyndalou]

Hi Alain and welcome to the forum

[Alain Menai]

Hi. Lyndalou and thank you for your welcome. I have found that juggling is extremely therapeutic, though I try to avoid the chainsaws:)

[Lyndalou]

The thought of juggling with chainsaws sends chills through me I must admit Alain

[Alain Menai]

Hi Lyndalou.Said chainsaws are strictly metaphorical, I did see an artiste actually do it with the real thing(s). Scariest thing I ever saw, apart from the morning mirror routine:)