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Alibird

Help with son & hubby.

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Hi all. Both my 6yr old son & my hubby r aspires. They constantly argue. Each thinking he is right (of course). I have heard that this will possibly get worse as my son gets older, 2 the point they will be physically fighting. Is this true? I want some advice b4 it gets that far.

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Hi Alibird

 

It must be very difficult for you to be stuck in the middle of your son and husband when they are arguing. It isn't an inevitable part of having AS although being strongly opinionated and wanting the last word can be very much an AS thing. Learning compromise and accepting that other people have their own opinions and needs are key skills (in my opinion) that are central to learning to get on with other people. If this doesn't come naturally then it has to be a conscious effort to do which is not an easy thing but can be achieved.

 

How long ago was your husband diagnosed? Has he had any contact with support services or has he been offered any life skills training? He might not think that at his age he requires to do this type of thing but he is one half of the example your son has of what acceptable behaviour is. I know that last year locally, the NAS rolled out a course for adults with AS called 'Social Eyes' which was all about learning key social skills. It might be worth looking into whether something similar would be available for your husband. This type of thing can be quite thin on the ground for adults so it is worth looking. Does your husband accept his diagnosis and does he understand what his own issues are?

 

There will be reasons that your son and husband clash and it's finding out what they are and heading them off at the pass or learning to deal with the argument and apologising for any poor behaviour. Do you know the signs that something is about to kick off? Do they know? You are right - this arguing needs nipped in the bud now before it gets out of hand. Your son and husband will get into a cycle of this negative behaviour and it will be hard to break it. Your son will see this as 'normal' behaviour and it could escalate - after all, dad does it doesn't he so why should he control his own outbursts?

 

On days that I am feeling low or very anxious I have a lot less patience with both my children and my husband. I am very aware that I am my children's example and I really can't complain if my son or daughter copy me. We can't always get it right all the time but we do have to be aware of our actions on our children. If your husband is under pressure, if there are sensory issues or obsessive thoughts he is thinking then if your son is making a noise/jumping about/asking questions etc then he might have a shorter fuse to deal with this. At the same time, your son will be contending with his own problems and if he can't recognise what they are he is going to have to have adult guidance to help him negotiate those problems.

 

Can you talk about these problems with your husband or does he refuse to acknowledge that the arguing is upsetting you and making home life difficult? I know there is also counselling for partners/families on the spectrum but I don't know if this is offered on the NHS or if you have to access it privately. However, I think certainly from my own experience that your husband just has to face up to the difficulties his AS causes (and this can be very difficult and painful) to himself and others and then he will be in a better position to make adaptations which will make his life (and ultimately yours and your son's life) less volatile.

 

When I buy books, I tend to go to Jessica Kingsley Publishers. They publish a number of books about Aspergers Syndrome. Some books are written by professionals and some by parents who are on or off the spectrum about family life and AS issues or about living with an AS partner.

 

Lynda :)

Edited by Lyndalou

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Hi Alibird,

 

While my husband isn't AS, he and my son, Will, 13, don't get on. This has been goign on for some years, to the point sometimes where Will shouts at his Dad he wishes I'd divorce him etc. This really upsets me. However, recently we were having problems, and Will got really upset thinking there was a real possibility we'd divorce.

 

I sometimes put their differences down to the fact that my husband is older - he has a lot less patience than me. If we are goign somewhere and Will kicks off that he doesn't want to go, my husband tends to just shout at him. I have to tell him sometimes that, yes, Will can be ignorant to him - not sure how much is down to AS and how much to just beign a teenager - but the fact is, he is still a child, and my husband is the adult, so needs to try and behave as such.

 

For us also, my husband doesn't do a lot with my son. I feel a lot of Will's resentment is down to this. But he has a very stressful job, and then shuts hismelf in his garage at the weekend doing DIY stuff - which doesn't interest Will whatsoever. I have to force on all of them family activities, and while Will is often resistant at first, once we are there, it is usually ok. But this is all very tiring for me - like you say, being piggy in the middle is very wearing.

 

I had a low point last year and ended up going off to visit a friend for a few days, although I was very worried about leaving them together. But in fact they managed fine - probably better without me intervening, because they had no choice.

 

My son's psychiatrist has noted that Will is a lot more agressive when his father comes to an appointment - but says that some father/son problems are normal,especially in the teen years. However, he does want to see my husband and I to discuss my son without him - (appt in April). So maybe some professional helps now is a good idea.

 

I don't know if any of this helps, but I understand it is difficult.

 

Good luck, Diane

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Has family therapy with AS trained specialist to mediate to try 'find and search' for "common middle ground" may help them both realise that both have different yet shared frustrations and struggles/difficulties that face in 'different' areas in their lives! That must be SO stressful not easy to deal with live with! XKLX

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I agree with smileyK that family mediation is probably a good idea, or try a local autism support group for parents. I know how difficult it is, my partners teenage sons are challenging, one especially so, but I now accept that me snapping at them when they cross the line doesn't help - and they still feel they haven't done anything wrong anyway. I think you need to talk to your husband about how he reacts to challenging behaviour, because if he has a better strategy then it will be easier for your son to develop a better strategy. Its much better to work on things now before your son becomes a teenager, as that's a difficult time for any child.

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Hi alibird I also agree with what's been said regarding family mediation, it is certainly worth a try! You do need someone trained in ASD though.

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