New to this forum but need help please...ASD son and living in Kuwait

[Concernedmammy]

Hi there,

I am new to this forum and in desperate need of some help - please! I have a 9 year old little boy with mild Asperger's who I feel I've lost. I'll explain our really messy situation; my husband took a job in Kuwait in August with 'family status' which offered private education for our two boys as well as other benefits. After doing as much research as we could online (the schools were closed as it was Summer holidays) we decided to take this opportunity which would get us back on our feet financially (hubs had been made redundant 4 times in 4 years) and we thought it was going to be a wonderful opportunity for Corbin to have private education. We prepared him as much as we could for our new life.

Well, we couldn't have been more wrong......I'll try and keep this brief. Basically after visiting the schools here, I was shocked and horrified - not at all like their websites! They are private, but are overcrowded, ran down and chaotic. There was only 1 British School I felt the boys could go to, which although large it had great facilities,a SENCO and a 'western' feel. Children have to sit entrance exams here, so I was upfront about Corbin's diagnosis. I explained that he had been in main stream school in UK, and did not qualify for a Statement. I provided his reports from his diagnosis etc and that's when things went wrong. They refused him a place and said he was the weakest child in maths they had ever seen (rubbish!) and that it wasn't the school for him. We were devestated. It was clear they had formed an opinion on our son.

I then went to another school which I had discounted due to its size (2,500) children and again the noise levels and craziness. The head there was great and offered Corbin a place, however we all knew that really it wasn't the correct environment for him. He lasted 2 weeks, and then the meltdowns began. I couldn't get him into school, he was crying and screaming. He was very distressed and obviously we talked about how he was feeling. He couldn't cope with the organistaional skills needed (moving classrooms for lessons) or the noise or size. The classes are so small that there wasn't an option of paying for learning support to help him cope with the sensory issues and keep his confidence levels up. We appealed to the original school who gave him a 1 week trial (he loved it) and then refused him a place at the end. I was told that they don't need children with 'Special Needs' at their school......myself and my husband were angry, shocked and devestated. We told Corbin there had been a mix up and there were no longer any places. His little face just dropped.

Apologies this is so long...wanted to explain the background to the mess we are now in.

So, we came to Kuwait 28th September and aside from 2 weeks in one school and a 1 week trial, Corbin has been out of education. We decided our only option was to home-school him, and set out to find a qualified British teacher - to no avail! Therefore I said I would do it (I'm a teacher). Now this is where it gets really tricky.....

Due to the fact my little man's entire life has changed overnight and there's no suitable schools,he has changed dramatically. He is angry, disrespectful, lazy and very very sad. It is killing us all seeing him this way. I can't get him motivated to learn as he's definitely built a barrier now. All he says is 'i want to go to school like a normal boy' and 'i refuse to do home-schooling'. He is particularly angry towards me as he says that I've taken him away from the school he loved (not strictly true), his friends, his family, his home. Ontop of all of this our house has sold in the UK.

I've talked and talked with him, cuddled him, given him space, made lists of positives, drawn pictures.....but I can't reach him. I think I've lost him due to me and my husband making the wrong decision to come here.

My ability to cope has long gone and I'm erratic, I shout, I scream (all of which I know are adding to the problems) and then comes the horrific guilt. Our family lif e is terrible and our 3 year old is picking up on the awful atmosphere. Myself and my husband fall out constantly. Wonderful!

So, I was hoping someone out there may have a suggestion of how I can move things forward. Of course we've talked about going back to the UK, however financially we will be almost destitute. I also think that not having his lovely home to go to, and returning to school mid term would be simply more transitions to overload him.

I've ran out of energy and ideas......can anyone suggest how they would deal with this?

Thanks so much.

[Lyndalou]

Hi Concernedmammy

 

Really sorry to hear you've found yourself in such a terrible situation. I have no idea how things work in practice in Kuwait but if your husband's company has offered private education for your son, is there any way they can help with gaining a suitable school place? Are you able to go to the British Consulate to inform them of the despicable way your son has been treated and the obvious discrimination shown with regards to his needs if this is a British school? Do they have any proof that your son had the difficulties they say he has in maths if he needs to be of a certain academic ability to gain a place at the school? Not that it ought to matter if they are meant to provide places to children with special educational needs but...

 

I'm also wondering, does it have to be a British/English curriculum? Would your son be eligible to attend an international or American school even? He has already attended two schools and must be very confused and upset but would there be any harm in going somewhere he is simply accepted and supported?

 

Is there any way you could just take a 'break' with regards to schooling until something suitable can be found? Just to explore and discover what there is in Kuwait, incorporating 'teaching' in a subtle and informal way? Is this possible? I don't know if there are issues surrounding being an unaccompanied female etc...pardon me if I'm thinking out of turn. I'm thinking that it might diffuse the tension a bit and if you, your husband and your son are calmer then it might then be time to start reintroducing the idea of 'school' in whatever form it takes.

 

I also once read an article about home schooling and the parent said that the kids routinely met up with other homeschooled children to do 'projects' together. This was in the US so I have no idea if there are some kinds of homeschooling networks you could access in the area.

 

I know that one of the members on the forum knows a lot about 'alternative' schooling. If they don't see this thread, I could drop them a line if you'd like?

 

Lynda <'>

[bed32]

Oh dear - you seem to be in a horrible situation. How long are you expecting to be there?

 

Have you considered seeing if the company will educate him in the UK? It is certainly worth trying to get the company's help if they will. If it is a UK company then they should be sympathetic, and if the education is a contractual benefit then they have some responsibility for providing it.

 

Other than that is seems that you have to try to make him content with being in Kuwait, which from the sound of it is easier said than done. They say that there is very good home education material available these days, but that is no use if you can't get him engaged in the process.

 

Is it feasible for you to come back to the UK for a while, while hubby stays there to see if your son settles and is prepared to reconsider the Kuwait move?

[oxgirl]

Hi concernedmummy, sorry to hear about your situation.

 

My advice would be to put a total stop on trying to educate your son at the moment and concentrate on getting him more settled and relaxed and building your relationship again. He has obviously found all the recent changes very difficult to cope with and he needs time to settle again before trying something new. I took my nine year old out of school to home educate and they say that they need a good period of time to 'de-school' and just come to terms with the changes before you can try to get them motivated to learning again.

 

If I were you, I would concentrate on having fun with him at the moment, like others have said, explore the area, make cakes, paint, play with Lego and enjoy your days. Once he feels more settled you can then start introducing learning into your day but this doesn't have to be too structured and you can go with his interests, there is plenty of time. There is no point in trying to force learning on him until he is receptive and you have all had a very big upheavel that you ALL need to recover from before you can start to function in a new routine.

Good luck.

 

~ Mel ~

[Concernedmammy]

Hi,

 

Thank you so much for your replies. My husband's company have given us zero help and support and have the attitude that it's our problem not theirs!

 

I think your points that we should time having fun is a good one as I know that this whole situation has left a void which is really sad. On the other hand, he's also hugely clingy to me and has started calling me and my husband 'mama' and 'dada' again - I'm guessing this is for comfort?

 

I keep trying to ease my guilt by telling myself that this 'gap' in his schooling is tiny when looking at his whole life. My worry is that the longer he has a break, the harder it will be to ever get him back into it. What do you think?

 

Any tips on dealing with such big transitions as this? We tried to prepare him as much as we could, but as nothing has gone to plan, then I guess it hasn't given him much security and comfort.

 

Have any of you also felt frustrated and resentful that your child is having difficulties which then in turn affects the whole family? I know it's a negative way of thinking but sometimes I feel like shouting 'WHY HIM?'. I shouldn't, I know. He has only mild Asperger's, so I know things could be much tougher. These last 6 months seem to have emphasised his sensitivities, his traits and his heightened emotions to the point I don't recognise him. I know that this is a reaction to his environment but I still find it hard to get my head around.

 

Apologies for moaning....it's pretty isolating being away from friends and family. A nice cup of tea and a chat with my mam would make me feel so much better......but it's a bit far to travel!

 

Any help on meltdowns, transitions, improving communication and home-schooling would be fab.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Emma

[emotink]

I dont really have any advice for you, but you are not alone. My son is 11 and started secondary school last sept. Things have swiftly gone down hill to the point that we are thinking of home school. As Im the one that has to take him to school, deal with the screaming, shouting and swearing the tears and the torturous look on his face- Im starting to resent my husband! I love him to bits and he is supportive of how I choose to deal with things, but at the end of the day Im the one that is being the evil one and putting my son through something that could have a lasting effect on him. I also admitted to hubbie last night that Im starting to resent my son for making me feel like this. If he just walked into school nicely then we wouldnt have the meltdowns etc. It doesnt change my love for him or my empathy for him and what he is going through. I think that you get to a point when just for once would like to have a 'easy day'.

 

Nic

[oxgirl]

Hi Emma, I personally don't think a longer gap in education is very significant, tbh. He is still very young and has his whole life ahead and can go back to education at any time throughout his life. Who is to say that a young person MUST achieve GCSEs at a certain age, they can be gone back to at thirty, or forty, learning is ongoing. I see little value in trying to make a child learn when he is not ready or receptive, it is counter-productive, certainly in my experience.

 

My advice would be to do things he is interested in. When I was home educating my son was interested in trucks so we did a project on trucks; we'd take our camera with us and take photos of trucks we saw, we'd get books out of the library and he would copy text into his folder, he would draw trucks, etc. It was all 'work' it was just that he was very interested and so motivated in the subject and it wasn't a battle to get him to do some writing because he was writing about something he was interested in. You can do cooking, which involves weighing, measuring and all kinds of maths. With my son, writing was a terrible chore for him, when I took him out of school he couldn't sit and write a sentance without screaming the place down. I started him off getting him to copy one sentance from his favourite book a day and increased gradually with lots of breaks. He would make Lego models and I'd get him to draw and colour them and then write a sentance about them in his book. If you make it fun and interesting then you don't have to worry about following any 'curriculum', you are incorporating all the learning he needs just delivering it to him in a way that interests him and doesn't make him switch off.

 

Later, I got a great book of science experiments and we'd do one each day and then he would draw a diagram and write a little paragraph about the experiment, then we'd go to the park for the afternoon.

 

I would still have a break though and just have fun until he is more settled.

 

Take care.

 

~ Mel ~

[bed32]

Even with all we know about ASD it is sometimes hard not to feel resentful. I can't imagine the parents of a deaf or blind child would feel the resentment in quite the same way but for us with a child who looks and acts normally (most of the time) we have to constantly remind ourselves that he is disabled and he can't help the way he acts any more than a deaf child can help not being able to hear.

 

I have huge sympathy for how you must be feeling - to find yourself in that situation so far away from your support network, let alone his, must be very isolating.

 

I would not worry about the gap in the education, that is minor and can be made up, but I would worry if your son is not happy and secure - you have to address that one way or another before trying to sort out his education.

[Concernedmammy]

I dont really have any advice for you, but you are not alone. My son is 11 and started secondary school last sept. Things have swiftly gone down hill to the point that we are thinking of home school. As Im the one that has to take him to school, deal with the screaming, shouting and swearing the tears and the torturous look on his face- Im starting to resent my husband! I love him to bits and he is supportive of how I choose to deal with things, but at the end of the day Im the one that is being the evil one and putting my son through something that could have a lasting effect on him. I also admitted to hubbie last night that Im starting to resent my son for making me feel like this. If he just walked into school nicely then we wouldnt have the meltdowns etc. It doesnt change my love for him or my empathy for him and what he is going through. I think that you get to a point when just for once would like to have a 'easy day'.

 

Nic

 

Hi Nic,

Sorry to hear you and your son are having such a tough time of things. I've had those horrific school-runs with Corbin in the UK and then here (well for 2 weeks) and I swear they leave you feeling totally empty. You feel like you are betraying your child - like sending the lamb to the slaughter and yet at the same time you're almost compelled to 'abide by the school system'.

 

Many of our issues with our son put a strain on our marriage as we see things so differently. I've read and read about Asperger's and attended an Early Bird Course. My hubs on the other hand, hasn't and although I still know very little about it, I feel that I can empathise more easily.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. Has your son said exactly what the issue is or is just the whole environment/setting? Really feel for you as I know how much it hurts.

 

Let me know how you get on.

 

Emma

[Concernedmammy]

Hi Emma, I personally don't think a longer gap in education is very significant, tbh. He is still very young and has his whole life ahead and can go back to education at any time throughout his life. Who is to say that a young person MUST achieve GCSEs at a certain age, they can be gone back to at thirty, or forty, learning is ongoing. I see little value in trying to make a child learn when he is not ready or receptive, it is counter-productive, certainly in my experience.

 

My advice would be to do things he is interested in. When I was home educating my son was interested in trucks so we did a project on trucks; we'd take our camera with us and take photos of trucks we saw, we'd get books out of the library and he would copy text into his folder, he would draw trucks, etc. It was all 'work' it was just that he was very interested and so motivated in the subject and it wasn't a battle to get him to do some writing because he was writing about something he was interested in. You can do cooking, which involves weighing, measuring and all kinds of maths. With my son, writing was a terrible chore for him, when I took him out of school he couldn't sit and write a sentance without screaming the place down. I started him off getting him to copy one sentance from his favourite book a day and increased gradually with lots of breaks. He would make Lego models and I'd get him to draw and colour them and then write a sentance about them in his book. If you make it fun and interesting then you don't have to worry about following any 'curriculum', you are incorporating all the learning he needs just delivering it to him in a way that interests him and doesn't make him switch off.

 

Later, I got a great book of science experiments and we'd do one each day and then he would draw a diagram and write a little paragraph about the experiment, then we'd go to the park for the afternoon.

 

I would still have a break though and just have fun until he is more settled.

 

Take care.

 

~ Mel ~

Hi Mel,

Thanks for your top tips - especially since you've obviously had hands-on experience of home-schooling. We have been cooking and 'trying' to have fun!

 

You're correct in what you say - education can be accessed at any time, it just seems all the harder to get your head around when it's your own child.

 

Thanks again - much appreciated.

Emma