Communication issues

[BuntyB]

Hi, my daughter was diagnosed with AS several years ago. She is SO like me and reading up on the autism spectrum helped me make a lot of sense of the difficulties I have had in my life.

I spoke to my GP who told me that if it helped me to use the label of AS to do so. He did not feel a formal diagnosis was necessary.

I am now approaching my 50s and over the years of observing and copying people who coped in different environments, I feel I manage ok. However, I have recently run into a number of problems at work where I have been accused of acting inappropriately. People have misunderstood what I have said and now I feel alienated. My manager has taken me to task and I feel really unhappy and inadequate.

I thought everyone at work was 'on the same side' because we are all working to a common goal. Another manager told me 'off the record' not to be so naive. He said that everyone has their own agenda. I don't understand the things that are going on around me and it's made me think that perhaps I am not as good as I thought at communicating and I don't understand 'mind games'. I don't know who I can talk to or who I can trust. I am wondering if I should have declared a disability before I started work, but then with no diagnosis and believing it would not affect my work I didn't say.

I am in a position where I am expected to manage staff and I'm not sure I can do this now, but I don't want to lose my job as being incapable.

[Sally44]

I think this has come as a shock to you and has damaged your confidence because it is making you wonder whether you do have the skills you thought you had.

 

Do you know what it is that you have supposedly been inappropriate about?

 

I'm not on the spectrum and hope others that are will post to give you some advice.

 

All I would say is that if people have hidden agendas or are playing mind games, it is not always obvious. Some people are nasty and devious. All any of us can do is to be fair, try our best, and try to come to the right conclusion given the information we have.

 

Do you have a partner at home you can talk things through with?

 

If this is a new position it can take a while to find out who you get along with and who you can talk to about things. And it also takes a while to learn the job and become confident in it. But if you are a manager there is usually an "us and them" divide, and so it might be better to talk to another manager rather than someone you manage if you feel you have to talk to someone.

[BuntyB]

Well this was my mistake. I work in a team of about six and was accused of talking to more junior workers about things that didn't concern them, one of which was alleged to breach confidentiality. The thing is that people ask me things and I just find myself answering honestly without thinking through whether it really concerns them or not.

I also tried to help another member of staff who said she had problems with her manager, but if she said anything, there would be repercussions, so I raised the issue because I thought this was wrong. Instead it was twisted to be my fault. the person concerned made out I'd lied and was really mad at me for bringing it up, but then I couldn't understand why she told me in the first place if she didn't want me to help. Since then I often see people change the subject when I come in the room or whispering which just makes me feel uncomfortable.

There are two other managers there who clearly don't seem to like each other and have been heard running each other's service down but I don't know why because they do different things, are funded differently and there doesn't seem to be anything to gain from it. I've been told not to trust anyone and to be careful what I say, but I can't bear to be in an office all day and not speak to anybody. I've spent all this time learning how to speak to people so I appear friendly because I want to get along with folk!

[Shnoing]

What might help you get insight into "the things that are going on around" you: "Games people play", by Eric Berne, even if it's from 1982.

[amberzak]

Hi Ben.

 

I have aspergers, known it for years but only got a formal diagnoses in January. I'm doing a teacher training course, and I have been struggling, experiencing the same sorts of things you describe (more so at my first placement than now). I can truely sympathise.

 

A couple of things that are important to remember. First is that the Autism Act protects you even if you are self diagnosed, that is you don't have a formal diagnoses. This is because there are so many people of the older generation that didn't get diagnosed (Aspergers has only really been recognised and diagnosed in children in England since the mid 1990s) and many GPs and health professionals feel it isn't worth diagnosing adults now as there are so little services around to support us.

 

So, you have every right to see your boss and inform them that you have aspergers.

 

The way I worded it with my course coordinator was made out that this was a recent thing, because I didn't want him thinking I'd hid anything from him.

 

If you do see someone, say that you just need an extra bit of support and understanding. You are trying to do what's best by everyone, and the nature of aspergers is that you will get that wrong sometimes. But that you always try your best, and that if things are made perfectly clear to you, you will be more likely to understand it. My mentor at school tells me 'this is confidential, and you must not discuss this with anyone except me' and I realise that what she's told me is serious. The reason for me needing this is because, while it is obvious that some things should remain confidential, I don't always know. Especially when everyone else seems to talk so openly about these things.

 

If you make an actual appointment with your boss or whoever you feel most comfortable talking to, you will have longer. It's really important if you raise it with them that you provide them with clear guidance on how they can support you. They have to, as it's reasonable adjustments. But I've found if I am clear about it, and I'm the one who has told them what I need, people tend to be more accepting because you've gone in with solutions as well.

 

We can be fantastic employees and offer a lot to our employers as long as we are given the correct support.

 

I hope this helps

[Sally44]

From the two issues you raised my opinion is that it is going to be a unknown rule that you do not discuss certain things with junior members of staff. That is why they are junior. As a manager you have access to information that they have no need to know and which could be damaging to the company or another individuual if they did know. If you find it hard when someone asks you a question, try to give a yourself time to think about it by saying "I'm not sure/don't know - i'll have to get back to you later.

 

When I worked as a secretary my boss never let me admit to anyone on the phone if he was in or not. I always had to say "I'll check if he is in, who is calling please" and then tell my boss who it was so that he could decide if he wanted to speak to them or not. So "being honest" is not always the best thing

 

On the other issue, someone told you something in private about a problem they were having and did not feel they could approach the boss about, and you went and told the boss without them knowing. This person may not have decided if they did want to talk to the boss about it, and if they decided they did then it is ultimately up to them to do it, or for them to specifically request and you be the go-between. You cannot decide for other people what they do or dont' want to bring with other work colleagues.

 

In the same way you would be mortified if you revealed your insecurities to someone and they then made a public announcement to the office "can I have your attention please, I need to tell you that xxxxx feels a lack of confidence at the moment."

 

You simply would not want everyone to know would you. You would want to deal with it as you felt right, and to tell who you felt comfortable telling.

 

From my post, can you see how your actions are different?

Edited March 9, 2013 by Sally44

[Shnoing]

I second that.

[BuntyB]

Yes, I do appreciate where I went wrong and I will be more guarded in future, I'm just not sure how I can regain face in the office after this or if I can acquire the right skills. If I say I have a disability, the DDA does apply but equally it could bring up that I lack the capability to do my job.

[Sally44]

Regarding regaining face. That will happen with time - people move on to other things, incidents, gossip etc.

 

And have a few set phrases in your mind that you can use to give you time to think things through before you react or give an answer.