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Robbo3920

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Hi: I am a 45 year old male who has recently been diagnosed with aspergers . Married with 3 children ( 2 step children and I of our own ) . The eldest step son is 11 and also an aspie. We having relationship problems and I am back at mums giving her space . Not sure what the future holds. Mum and dad want me to cut losses and get out but they don't know I aspie . I have a good job in police and the house was bought by me when we were together but not married . Feel head is going to explode sometimes with mind on overtime wandering what to do

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How do you think parents would react over you trying to 'explain' describe AS? As they know your son have AS dx so surely aint going be 'totally shocked' be told you also have been dx'd too with it!? Or even write them letter?

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Perhaps speaking to an organisation like Relate might help you and your wife discuss the issues you are having in a neutral setting. Your parents might have opinions on the matter and want what is best for you, but that decision has to be reached by you and your wife.

 

Going to a marriage counsellor might allow you both to identify the problems in your relationship whether it be to do with your ASD, or something else. That way you can both try and do something about it.

 

You're dealing with a pretty big thing in being diagnosed, so that does take time to adjust to. It could be that you perhaps need to establish a routine, or identify the things that set you off(if you do get set off) and find ways of adjusting to them.

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

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Hi, and welcome to the forum. I too would suggest relate, it would help both sides to talk about the problems and ways forward. Its tough being an aspie in a relationship, our traits can cause problems - especially in terms of communication. However, its important to be aware of them, and try and develop better strategies. Relationships need a range of skills to succeed, and whether you are an aspie or not its good to work on your weaknesses - rather than just giving up and walking away, only to face the same problems again (that goes for both sides).

 

Your partner may just need your help to understand you better, and maybe spending some time apart will help - but don't take all the blame, and don't back off too much. I took all the blame when my marriage failed, because she pointed out everything I did wrong, and I failed to learn from that (I just felt fundamentally flawed). Consequently, I've struggled in relationships since - but I'm making progress, and I've realised you have to maintain a relationship every day - and probably much more so being an aspie.

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About the (very) diverging expectations re. communication between AS- and Non-AS-people:

Ashley Stanford, Asperger Syndrome and Long-term Relationships

Christopher Slater, Gisela Slater-Walker: An Asperger Marriage

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Welcome to the forum and I hope you can find the help you need to make a decision.

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