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URGENT help needed....

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Please can someone advise me?

 

I have 4 children, my eldest who hs A/S is doing amazingly well and is off to universty in september.

 

My middle daughter is possibly on the spectrum but undiagnosed and doesnt use any support...

 

My son is 10 and dyslexic and has quite a bit of help at school...

 

My middle daughter is 15 she is half way through her GCSE's ... Over the past year or so I have had a few worries with her. She has a LOT of support at school and a modified timetable. She has quite a lot of social skills input. She now is developing her own style ( A bit Goth) And I have allowed her to embrace this style.

 

She was quite over weight last year and suddenly dropped weight. I found out she was starving herself. And with lots of care we seem to have got over that stage. she now eats healthily, is watched discreetly at school and eats at home. Today (and this is the BIGGY) we all sat down to lunch and her bracelets (she wears lots of these plasticky bangles) had slipped up and I saw marks on her wrist, when I asked her what it was she tried to hide it. I sent my other children out and looked and she had sliced into her skin over and over. Just superficial but it looks so nasty. We have chatted and she either wont or cant tell me why... but I just don't know what to do.

 

I know she is worried about her future. She wants to go to university and with help she can do the study. But she is scared of failing (I have never really pushed any of the children just encouraged them to do what they want and helped them when they ask) so this is like a self imposed feeling of failure.

 

How do I get her help? I am terrified of her increasing this behaviour or doing something even worse. Has anyone experienced this?

 

Thanks in advance.

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Have you heard of self-harm? As that what it sounds like she may have been doing it as a while to cope /manage 'things' is she depressed? Would you say went to level of an eating disorder (anorexia) I also used to be 'mildly obese' now I'm cautious when eating especially calories making sure burn them up through exercise or worry get anxious It is common to 'mask' over self-harm keep it 'hush hush' a 'hidden secret' I am on/off self -harmer with depressive issues.

 

I would encourage her you there for her when she feel she needs to 'talk openly' don't push too much as she go opposite way! She may be struggling/battling with 'issues' inside herself /own walls too scared to open up! :( she maybe trying to shut 'everyone out' push them away is 'natural common response' as is so make up an 'excuse' when 'found out' marks discovered I was same when my mum found marks I come up with some kind of excuse I found it 'easier' to put the barriers up to hide behind rather than explain my issues to others as was so confused/lost within my 'issues' I would seek help by going doctors and asking their advice on what direction head into next as unknown scary situation to go 'eyes shut' she may need to seek mental health support - general counsellor or CAMHS! But sounds like she needs some input don't bombard with endless questions though I know easier said then done! But needs 'exploring' /investigating further! If your daughter need lot social skills support - do you personally believe your daughter could be depressed due to frustrations of 'hidden difficulties' ASD? And self harm and eating issues are common issues within female ASD world XKLX

Edited by trekster

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I can't really advise you, but I might be able to help you understand your daughter (assuming she has aspergers)

 

I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm now an adult, but I was a teenager once.

 

First things first, is your daughter being bullied? You say she was larger and then lost lots of weight because she stopped eating. That sounds like other kids were calling her names. Remember, something which may be very small to you, will be a huge deal to her. Aspergers people are prone to being bullied, and girls can be very cruel to one another. Words can do far more damage than being beaten up.

 

It's good you are allowing her to develop her own style. That will help her to develop her sense of identity.

 

The fear of failure could have come from anywhere. My parents were very very supportive, but I developed a fear of failing because of school. There is so much emphasis on getting things right. If you start not doing so well in a lesson you can be moved down a set, and there is such negativity associated with being in the bottom set. If your daughter has Aspergers, then she will take things literally, and everything will be the end of the world to her. If she is told, for example, 'no, that is wrong' she will hear just the word Wrong. If she is told that her work isn't good enough, she will think she isn't good enough. And (I'm not saying this has happened, but it is a possibility) all it takes is for one teacher to say that she wont go to University, and she could start to believe it.

 

So it's great you are being supportive. Keep on being supportive. Tell her she can do anything she wants, just as long as she works for it. Let her make her own mistakes on what courses she wants to do (I only recently rediscovered how much I love mathematics, but my degree is in English). And make sure she knows it is okay to fail. I'm currently failing my teacher training course, and I really thought everyone would hate me and be disappointed in me for failing. But instead everyone is saying they are so proud of me that I tried it. Emphasise this to your daughter, that no matter what, as long as she is working hard, you will always be proud (be wary of saying the words 'try your best' as, for me at least, that has a detrimental effect, as I will literally try my best, which can verge on the point of utter exhaustion. I've put myself in hospital now).

 

As for the cutting, I know it isn't nice, but I wonder if I might be able to put some light on that. When things are too much for me, I pull my hair and bang my head. The problem with Aspies is that we often can feel every emotion at max strength. Take the normal teenage anxieties, and triple it. Then you can imagine what your daughter may be feeling. An outlet to that is to inflict pain. This is for two reasons. Firstly it released endorphins, so temporarily at least, you feel better. Secondly, emotion is abstract, which is something us aspies can find hard to understand. Physical pain is there, you can see where it is coming from, so makes sense. I used to dig my fingernails into my arms until they bled when I was stressed as a teenager. But it's something a grew out of (even though I still do have meltdowns and bang my head or pull my hair).

 

everyone is different, even those of us with Aspergers. It might simply be that your daughter is cutting herself as a cry for attention (I don't mean that in a negative way; I mean she doesn't know how else to express to people that she is struggling).

 

I would really try and find out what's happening at school.

 

You sound like a really supportive parent. Keep going and I'm sure everything will work out fine.

 

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

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I agree with Amberzak see if she is being bullied. Also look into the possibility that she is depressed, Im not sure how CAHMS are in your area but a GP would probably refer her there. She is craving serotonin or calling out for help (or both). B vitamin supplement and fish oils really helped with my depression as did avoiding gluten and dairy for a while. im still off gluten.

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She probably trying to run opposite direction to avoid face 'everything' going on can be suffocating and overwhelming to where it becomes draining/tiring to face alone so turn to 'next option' which ends up being self-harm Makes you feel relaxed and numb empty spaced out thinking how can this be work out by doing that to yourself But its natural pain killer chemicals which produces happy hormones to circulate around people in general find hard/difficult to accept this is the facts, reality of what happening My mum has been through so many emotions (anger - shouting ,tears begging me not to do 'it' anymore, trying to compromise with me bargain) Mum took me docs then referred general counsellor (she knew wasn't 'specialist professional' enough) So referred me to CAMHS (Where officially assessed and diagnosed) With L.D Nurse and clinical pyschologist This may be route your daughter has to take She may feel alone scared like I did she can't work out this direction on her own she in her 'own way' crying out 'someone to notice' signpost her to 'safe secure place of help'.

 

I've been in the personal situation/position your daughter's in right now! Its not nice, pleasant such uncomfortable place to be in dark corner/hole where feel backed into trapped scared /afraid to 'let anyone in' at all! As becomes "your little secret" that feel protective yet ashamed and embarrassed of also You don't know how put anything involving emotions into actual words You feel so much guilt badness surrounding situation you feel you've created (you believe) inner voices make feel 'at fault, to blame' and constantly 'aware' and 'on edge' battling day to day never easy finding out your daughter has deep setted emotional issues which need addressing Try not be 'judgemental' with her try to listen to 'her words' when she 'ready' I am still struggling/battling with my emotional issues constantly for years being a teenager with stress/anxieties of hormones,changes (physical/emotional) also don't make this comfortable, easy managable process to go through with most this is where when emotional issues hurdles arise suddenly without prior warning mine did You feel can't tell anyone due to feeling pure 'failure' in sense of the word not being able 'just get on with it' and cope you upset enough without trying to deal with emotional distress of others that are in someway linked or connected with you (family /friends) it becomes another issue/worry/anxiety try and explain away fight off at any chance 'self-harm' term attached to your situation freaks totally out I was confronted /approached by my learning support teacher as mum found 'cutting tool' in hidden spot After she saw physical sign of 'marks' and added both things together -worked it out was in total denial /shock for a while then action! I was mortified I been 'found out' as managed to keep 'secret' by 'covering up' physically (by wearing long sleeves common tactic by self harmers!) As is coming up with list of endless excuses I would research self-harm further on google and some really useful,helpful websites for both self-harmer and parent now Good luck Do you know how long she been hiding self harm for you XKLX if you want PM me about this topic/my own personal situation/experiences you are more than welcome feel free self-harm is physical way of saving yourself from your issues a release 'block out' what's going on.

 

Has your daughter got a private personal diary to write down any thoughts/feelings? This may help offload for while writing things down in her head that overwhelming can help lot did with me Has she got any close friends /relatives she can open up to at all? She is withdrawn isolated? As that's how my 'journey' began My parents felt so protective yet so hurt I think I couldn't just 'come out with everything' that was going on didn't know where or how to start to be honest as was scared/worried of their reaction towards me what would happen Always general worry/concern even though their parents want to feel/be happy secure comfortable emotionally when doesn't go to 'plan' can feel like things so nose diving wrong fast and both sides involved feel helpless guilty bad etc so negative cycle adds becomes deeper and harder to break free from

Edited by trekster

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Is your daughter under Clinical psychology or CAHMS?

 

Being on the spectrum usually means that there is alot of anxiety on a daily basis. This can show itself in all kinds of other behaviours and/or co-morbid diagnoses.

 

Personally I think that OCD, Eating Disorders and Self Harm are all ways of controlling anxiety by controlling the environment/self.

 

My son is ASD and also has OCD. My brother is probably also AS and has OCD behaviours, but he is not diagnosed at all. His daughter has an eating disorder, which she is currently controlling.

 

I think involving Clinical psychology could be helpful. Ask your GP to refer you to a ClinPsych team that have experience in working with teenagers with ASD. Phone up your local childrens ClinPsych department and ask them if such a service exists.

 

My son is on medication for his OCD, which is basically anxiety medication. It is helping, and he also has a child psychologist working with him in school.

 

These anxieties are likely to be lifelong, so it is really important for the child to learn about themselves, and how to help manage and/or reduce their anxiety. And you want that support/therapy asap so that behaviours don't become too entrenched.

Edited by Sally44

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