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Lyndalou

Singing from the same hymn book

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I've had a bit of a weird day today. For many months my mental health has been poor and I have started exploring the possibility I have C-PTSD. As I've come to a crossroads, I decided to start seeing a counsellor and I had my first meeting with her this morning. So, I told her a lot about the various difficulties I have and have had and detailed a lot of the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by people I trusted (way back in the day) within a church environment. A few days ago, I stumbled on information which described what I have experienced and it has a term - Church Abuse - who would have known? Anyway, the jist being that I thought I had come to terms with everything and it's likely I have not! And...my counsellor said to me that she could really understand what I was talking about because her background was similar...how often does that happen? Then, I had arranged to see my friend I have known for 4 years. We've spoken a lot about various things but with my trust issues, this topic has never been discussed before. She contacted me because I hadn't seen her for a while as I'm not going out of my way to see anyone really right now and told me she was there to talk. So, I told her where I'm at at the moment and when I'd finished I said that I had no idea what she would be thinking. She said, I've got something to tell you and went on to tell me her own church abuse story. How often does that happen?

Edited by Lyndalou

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That is unusual to have matching experiences and never have talked about it before. When I was diagnosed with Aspergers the psychologist felt that I had C-PTSD from my experiences of school. Basically due to my subsequent avoidance of any situation that would trap me again and a sense of being completely separate to other people with no expectation of having the normal things in life, such as a job, that others took for granted. I never looked for an answer to my differences and the isolation that I would find myself in over and over again as I really felt there was something so wrong with me that it was to be expected. This fragmentation of the ‘self’ and a lack of identity as a human being with the same rights as everyone else is central to C-PTSD. I severely disassociated with myself too when in situations that I could not deal with which is C_PSTD. This kind of helped me cope over the years but now has taken over somewhat of its own accord which can be very frightening.

Emotional and psychological abuse is so invisible to others, everything can appear normal when underneath a lot of damage is being done. I know from my perspective that I do not show my emotions like others so no one ever really picks up when something is wrong, meaning that help is not offered, even when desperately needed. I haven’t had any experiences of Church Abuse, though I grew up in a very religious and authoritarian household.

Hope your counselling helps you deal with these issues. :)

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Thank you Starlight for your post. I was quite taken aback that my friend had had the experiences she has had as it had never been discussed before. She didn't go as far as say she had been abused but she had certainly been 'used' in many ways and is clearly very hurt by how she was treated - hauled up in front of leadership for 'infractions' brought to their attention by other members of the church and making herself ill because she was expected to drop everything and help out other members when directed to do so. It made me feel for her just listening to what she was saying. I don't think she had mentioned anything before because she is still in the 'guilt' stage about leaving the church.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with (definite) C-PTSD due to your own experiences. I really don't know if I 'disassociate' but for a long time I have recognised I can't get close to people and even when I think I have it can take one small thing and I feel a huge gulf opening up. My sister got married 6 years ago. She had invited people from our church past to the wedding and I felt really stressed about how I would react if I had to be around them. Thankfully, the main players couldn't come but my first boyfriend's mother was there. It was clear that she didn't like me any more than when I was a teenager and so I felt myself reverting to that age again. I was pregnant so I could make the excuse to escape quite early and get away from her. It was probably around then too that I was on a city break with a friend and we were invited on the street into a church that did outreach work. I thought that it would be okay but as soon as I set foot in the place I started to shake and wanted to get out again. My friend saw how uncomfortable I was and we left pronto.

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I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with (definite) C-PTSD due to your own experiences. I really don't know if I 'disassociate' but for a long time I have recognised I can't get close to people and even when I think I have it can take one small thing and I feel a huge gulf opening up.

Thank you Lynda. I am the exact same, I usually think everything is good and have built a successful relationship and something happens, big or small, and I realise that it was never the kind of bond that other people have and it's back to the beginning with the relationship. Quite often due to how much I change between situations and they just don't understand why (despite diagnosis) and take it personally. There are a few people I am close with who never seem to mind what way I am - which is great.

 

 

It was probably around then too that I was on a city break with a friend and we were invited on the street into a church that did outreach work. I thought that it would be okay but as soon as I set foot in the place I started to shake and wanted to get out again. My friend saw how uncomfortable I was and we left pronto.

 

If you have that kind of reaction then it is clearly still affecting you, that sounds like a good friend who understood and got you out of there. I don't know what the best thing is to do in order to overcome it- maybe your counselling will help with that. I have spent my life avoiding breaks and lunchtimes, couldn't do it in school and still can't, no intention of ever getting into a situation that I can't get out of easily. I also dread certain events that involve meeting certain people, I just avoid them now, too hard, too tired!!

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