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KarenM

hitting and kicking

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Hello am sick of getting hurt by 11 year old dd. I am sure things just got so bad when she hit puberty, so i hope thing are going to improve.Has anyone any advice please? Is this commen with AS kids. Shes getting stronger so it is worrying! I took her to a fireworks display yesterday and she repeatedly called me a f****ing b****rd for shifting to a place with a good veiw. Please let her get nicer when she grows up little horror! ime nursing a bad foot at the moment as she stepped on it as hard as she could this morning . P.SI know fireworks displays are a bit of a daft place to take AS kid but her sister wanted to go and she said she wanted to come. :):):)

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Hi Karen.

 

I don't have any answers, if fact I could do with some myself. I have a 4 yr old son who is just like your Daughter and I worry about thngs when he gets older if we can't stop it now. Although I don't have the swearing bit at the mo.

Hope your foot gets beter quickly, have one of these >:D<<'> from me.

 

Viper.

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Hi, I am not sure if this is an AS thing or not but when I was 11 (im now 24 and have AS, ADHD and dyslexia) I only ever remember swearing like that once and that was to my dad and i told him to f-off.

 

I never swore at my dad again after that ill tell you...lol

 

I did however (as I aged to to mid teens) begin with that behaviour with my mum.

 

I would mainly put that though down to untreated ADHD.

 

As for your daughter has she ever been thought to have ADHD? It is just a thought and sometimes it is worth asking the most obvious questions first before trying with other less obvious reasons.

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Hi thanks for replying to my post, i have had a good look round this site and have seen lots of you mams are having similar problems. IT helps me feel less alone. Ime starting to think that this behaviour is just something i will have to accept for now . I have a very mixed up little girl. DD told her dad to f off to day he takes it so bad he has barred her from the computer and cut her new computer mag up . This causes loads of friction as i think he is to hard on her when she has AS and is going through puberty. My mam says life is not ment to be easy i think she might be right. I dont think she has ADD because she doesnt seem hyper when not upset and she copes okay at school although of course she finds it hard to mix. I think she keeps her frustration for me and her sister which in some ways is a blessing. I love this site i have been nosing every day since i found it 9 days ago you seem a great, humorous bunch .karen :: :notworthy::lol::lol::lol::notworthy:

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Unfortunately Michael does lash out out often when he`s at school, whether it be an adult or a child. :(

 

In the last couple of months he has lashed out at me too on a couple of occasions, when he`s been having a full blown episode (usually caused by a problem that has occured at school which he brings home with him). He`s a ###### strong lad despite being 7yrs old, and the first time i ended up with a black eye.

 

I`m fully aware of the first signs of this now though and am learnng to cope with it in a lot better way, it has calmed down a lot too (no school at the mo!)

 

Swearing is on the increase too unfortunately, again mainly at school.

 

I`m just hoping these things get better...i hope they do for you too! :)

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Sorry to drag this up from the Archives so to speak.

But while browsing through old posts i came across this one .

 

We had this very same problem with our daughter. Even to the point of her trying to use threatening weapons like knives.

 

Im pleased to say that i DID stop this No lies No stories it is possible and my daughter is living proof of this.

 

Im not saying it works for everyone but my daughter proves it is possible to break these walls down.

 

To be totaly honest im not 100% sure exactly how it came to be but ill try to give you an insite .

 

In my household there is my partner Debbie the soft one and myself the" No messing " one . ( if that makes sense )

 

For quite some time our Daughter was slowly getting more and more aggressive and a lot of the time it really felt like we were being manipulated and toyed with . Almost like she was trying to get more and more control and extending her control.

I could see this a mile away however my partner kept trying to play it down oh its just part of her syndrome blah blah.

Problem for me is im a very strong minded character and i wasnt about to have a child dictate how everyone in my house is going to live ! I could see in to the future i could see where this was going to end up if i didnt stop it !

 

Well to cut a long story short ( and it is a long story :lol: ) I decided enough was enough !

My solution was a simple one !

Stop pussyfooting around ! One thing i learnt was they dont like uncertainty ! They like order. So i gave her order !

This is my house and you will obey the rules like everyone else ( not literally in those words :P )

For about 3 to 4 weeks i had a higher rate of hell but it paid off in the end .

 

I had the threats like " im going to scream out the window and theyll call the police and youll get arrested "

So i opened the window " well go on then scream ... i have nothing to hide "

" Im going to ring childline "

" ok heres the number "

 

Shes even called social services and ranted down the phone to them we invited them round a couple of days later they turned up and shortly left saying the child wasnt in danger Asked her if she wanted to leave she shook her head

 

Id tell her to go to her room if she was going on one .. if she refused i picked her up and put her there.

 

NO FISTS NO FIGHTS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

 

Ive even had her ring the police herself. They knew of her anyways but they came round as thats their job.

 

I never lost my poise for one second . " go on take her away she doesnt like it here she wants to leave and to be honest i dont want this stress on my family anymore " The look said it all

Shortly afterwards ....they left.

 

Finally it was over ......it stopped ...

 

I think she realised no amounts of threats or bad behaviour was going to stop me !

 

Please note though that all through these times we did speak heart to heart with each other.

She knows me better than anyone else i know and vice versa.

She knows that as angry as she gets i do understand her and what shes going through but she must appreciate that i cannot allow that behaviour to carry on.

 

If i could get my Daughter to talk to you she would tell you its true !

 

My advice to you is be honest and straight . dont lie.

If they ask you something and you know they wont like your answer tell them why thats your answer. BUT only once dont keep repeating it. Your decision should be final.

 

 

As i said earlier im not saying this will work for everyone but for us it did .

We still have stroppy days and moods but so does everyone but the violence is a def no.

 

She has learnt not to push me because i wont let her get away with it .

Its far from calm in my house :lol: but at least its no longer physical ! But ill settle for that :P

 

Sorry for babbling

Edited by ROBANDDEB

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Guest hallyscomet

Hi,

 

This is very common for ASD childrens behaviour to get worse at onset of Puberty, many have seeked medical assistance as things have taken a turn for the worse. I suggest you go into the Medications Forum on this website and read the topic about Risperdal. There will be many stories that you can relate to, and all would agree Risperdal is essential for our ASD to function better.

 

My son actually thanked me for taking him back to his Paediatrician for reassessment - as everything that used to work no longer did. He said it was like a wire in his brain disconnected, and he would have these huge meltdowns as all of a sudden he was unable to verbalise what was frustrating him. Making him even more angry. He just couldn't find the mental energy to communicate, this frustrated him no end.

 

I will try and find the topic and cut and paste it here, as I believe this is the culprit and Risperdal the miracle cure.

 

Here it is

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...38&hl=Risperdal

 

 

Regards

Hailey

Edited by hallyscomet

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Hello Rob, I read your post with great interest. I am starting to come to the same sort of conclusions myself. I have been past around by doctors and had no help so I am trying to toughen up with her and not take so much horrible behaviour, saying that she called me a c**t this morning. She hasn't been attenting school due to bullying and I think that has helped but she is going to be starting a new nearer to home school shortly so I am afraid the terrible behaviour will get bad again. She calls us stuff like rapist at the top of her voice it is so mortifying, I hate to think what the neighbours will think. But I am trying to stand my ground and wont leave her alone till she talks to me decently and doesn't hit me.Halleys comet she has an genetic medical condition that she takes medicine for and i dont want her taking to much medicine.

Karen

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I agree with what Rob said.

My son was always very challenging, i didn't understand and didn't know how to sort it. Anyway as most of you will know we had his dx at 4.5 and by this time he was completely out of control. I was begging for some help.

The swearing was horrendous the screaming, hitting etc he was like a coiled spring. a lot of it i know was down to his frustration at not being able to express himself and also sensory issues and the AS thrown into the mix. But some of it was just because he could. As hard as that is to admit :tearful:

I was told it was learned behaviours, (where he was learning them from i don't know, maybe they meant he had learnt to behave like this and he was getting away with it??!) and a lot was so entrenched it took time to get there with him. And yes, it did get worse before it got better. I just needed someone to point me in the right direction and realise the behaviours weren't acceptable. BUT i was also told, there is always a reason for these behaviours. ie- if he hit some kid in nursery it could have been because the other child bumped into him (sensory problems, hates light touch)

The first day someone came to start with the behavioural interventions Lewis was on the settee jumping, pulling it apart screaming in my face spitting on me swearing punching me and she just told me, ignore it. I was always stepping into the battlefield and it was an all out riot. He wanted control and the final say, always pushing......at 4 and 5 years of age it's pretty hard to take. But he was getting stronger and i was worried he would be like this at 15 and he could really physically hurt me or someone else. :tearful:

Anyway, i started with the time out chair, if he left it i put him back in it, if he chucked it up the hall i'd put it back and put him on it ignoring him all the time he is screaming and it was ME who said when he could leave it, and when he was calm he could. It was really hard and it pushed me to my limit but it had to be done.And the TV, when i said it had to be turned off he would have a tantrum and keep going back and turning it on, but eventually with a determination i took control of that situation too.

We really turned a corner with Lewis and the behaviours, and i'm not saying that he still doesn't meltdown but he is by far more manageable, things can be turned around. But you need to be respected and your home too. Tough love i called it.

He knows now i won't put up with his behaviours and there are consequences.

I know it's hard to put it mildly but things can get better, just don't give in, you'll make a rod for your own back in the long rong.

There are so many people here who have had/are having the same problems and will give you the best advice you'll hear, so don't be afraid to ask!

Take care,

Kirstie. ;)

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Puberty was hell in our house and I do agree with Rob you have to stand firm and never give in but I could never have picked a 6ft 16 stone lad up and carried him anywhere. But I have stood toe to toe with him in full rage - did it again last weekend actually and he's 18 now. I think that some people with AS will always have the tendency to be explosive so while you are standing toe to toe with them you need to explore what is making them explode and help them to manage that tendency. Not while you are literally standing toe to toe but afterwards. I would agree that sometimes they do it just because they can and have found out that they get away with it.

 

David was never physically aggressive with us but the furniture and the walls took a pounding. If he blows now - which thankfully is rare - I still go toe to toe with him because having another son with autism in the house I have to let 'him' see that I will not take any c*** from David so I will not take it from him.

 

Last Sunday when David did blow I told him that this Sunday none of his friends would be allowed in to our house today. Now Sundays here are like extended family day when David's and eldests mates come round for hours playing loud music, games and watching footie on Sky - more eldests mates watching the footie. However even though we are live on Sky today my door will be closed all day because I have to follow through, even though David has been wonderful with us all all week. It's hard but it's the way it has to be.

 

What I will say is that anything that the professionals ever told us to do with David never worked and usually made things a whole lot worse. We found our own way and our own plan for him - maybe because we knew him best and what really did make him tic and explode.

 

 

 

Carole

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We found our own way and our own plan for him - maybe because we knew him best and what really did make him tic and explode.

 

I think that is exactly what we all do. We did it this way for Phas jr - putting rules in place even before his dx, and sticking with them - we have done the same with the others.

 

When I am approached at work for suggestions of what to try with a problem I will always add the rider "This worked for Phas Jr or 'xxxx', it may not work here but it gives you a starting point - adapt as necessary." You have to feel your way round a situation, off the peg stratergies are not always a good fit for all.

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I

think that is exactly what we all do. We did it this way for Phas jr - putting rules in place even before his dx, and sticking with them - we have done the same with the others.

 

Totally agree Phas - And waiting until a child is 13 before you get the dx and only really being aware that it could be ASD for six month before you get the dx makes it hard work. Had I had any idea that David had autism then we would have played a whole different ball game with him for the years pre dx when I was SCREAMING for help. You live and learn.

 

Carole

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What I will say is that anything that the professionals ever told us to do with David never worked and usually made things a whole lot worse. We found our own way and our own plan for him - maybe because we knew him best and what really did make him tic and explode.

Carole

 

I agree Carole. Our daughter actually had a massive 'tantrum' when the CPN was here during one visit - and whilst it was going on she advised me loads of things. After 3/4hour of hell - she calmed down and the CPN admitted she felt completely helpless - she said that all her training didn't help at all in that situation.

 

I'm not saying though that I have many answers either - even as a parent I know what will make her explode but very often if its out of my control I don't always know how to calm her down.

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