Son threatening suicide

[soraya]

My son is 19 and currently unemployed, he spends most of the day asleep, and at night he goes out for a drive or goes on the Internet. Lots of things have failed in his life, ie apprenticeship , jobs, relationships, usually due to social problems. He is very deppressed at the moment, and has no motivation to do anything, if I ask him to help around the house or tidy his room, I just get a lot of abuse. He is the king of manipulationa, and blames me for everything that has happened in his life. Tonight he once again has threatened suicide, he does this if he doesn't get his own way, he phoned me and said he was going to jump off a building because I am such an awfull mother, and I am never there for him!! This couldn't be further from the truth, my life has been my son for the last 20 years. Recently, I lost both my parents, and my son resented the time I spent nursing them, although it was only for a couple of months, due to this I have come into a small inheritance , and now my son keeps asking for money all the time saying "you can afford it ". I really need some professional help in dealing with my son, as I never know weather to take his suicide threats seriously, I really have to stand up to my son but he is so manipulative , he really makes me feel as if everything is my fault

[oxgirl]

Hi soraya, sorry to hear about this situation. I also have a 19 year old who is very depressed, so I understand some of your difficulties. From what you say, it does sound as if your son is using threats in order to get you to do what he wants, but it is very worrying nevertheless. Has he been to the doctor or would he consider antidepessants to help him? What about mental health support, does he have any? I know it's hard, because when they are under 16 you can do all of this for them but once they're are deemed 'adults' parents are no longer involved and if they won't seek assistance themselves then it's very hard to make them. Do you have any support for yourself, it can't be easy having to face all of this if you are having to do so alone.

 

Is he willing or able to look for work or to help out in a charity shop or something similar to boost his self-esteem and does he have any friends or groups to attend where he can mix?

 

~ Mel ~

[soraya]

Hi Oxgirl, Nick is on antidepressants, they do seem to help keep if calm, but he still really kicks off if things don't go his way. He has threatened suicide in the past, and I'm sure he only does it because he knows it scares the hell out of me and I will back down, but it is very hard to call his bluff when he says he is on the top of a building and is going to jump!! He now has no confidence to go for jobs as so many has failed due to lack of social skills. He refuses to see anyone about his feelings as he will not accept that there is anything wrong with him, it is always someone else's fault. We have been battling this since he was 8, and I keep hoping that one day he will accept he has problems and will seek help. He has seen phychatrists in the past, but has always run out of the room, when they talk about things that make him uncomfortable. My husband and I are going to seek help in dealing with Nick, maybe it is time to call his bluff when he threatens suicide, but it is so so hard:(

[trekster]

Wondering if the challenging behaviour foundation could help?

[oxgirl]

Yes, it is very frightening for you. What are the things that he wants you to give in to when he threatens to hurt himself, what does he want you to do that you have to back down to? Maybe instead of backing down and giving in to him you could try just reassuring him that you love him but that you are not responsible for what he does, only he can be responsible. It's good that you are going to get some advice about how to handle this, though.

 

~ Mel ~

[soraya]

He just wants to be left alone, and do just what he wants, if I try to speak about getting a job, or looking into any courses he may be interested in we just end up having a row, he gets very angry and goes off, this is when he rings threatening suicide. I do reassure him that we love him and just want to help, but he just says that I am an awfull mother! . We have an appointment in London to see a psychologist about Nick, so fingers crossed, they can help.

[oxgirl]

Best of luck with the appointment, hope it helps. I know what you mean about him wanting to be left alone, my son is the same. I know what it's like, you're torn between leaving them in peace but, at the same time, knowing it isn't good for them to just be sitting on their own doing nothing, it does nothing for their self-esteem or development. Does he need to review his medication maybe if it isn't being effective at the moment? Maybe he needs to try a different one or a slightly stronger dose. Does he have to go to the GP for regular reviews, maybe you could go with him if he'll allow it?

 

~ Mel ~

[trekster]

Did you manage to get anywhere with the Psychologist in London? Have you considered ODD as a possible reason for his behaviour? Or even sensory issues?

Theres lots of literature on autism and unfortunately depression can be displayed as angry behaviour.

[soraya]

Sorry i have not been on the forum for a while, things have gone from bad to worse. The so called psycologist wasnt very good, she just told us all about autisum, which I already knew, she didnt give us any coping stratagies, and i felt it was a waste of money. The doctor has been usless, he has just upped the dosage of citalopram from 20 to 30mg. There just doesnt seem to be any help out there.Trekster, we have often thought about ODD because it really fits our son!! I know he does have OCD and anxiety, but i still believe if he had a reason to get up in the morning it would help. Sometimes it just feels like this will go on forever, nothing ever turns out ok for Nick, he usually bounces back after things go wrong, but not this time

[trekster]

http://www.autismsussex.org.uk/ I would start with them.

Would leaving books about autism/aspergers lying around help him?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppositional_defiant_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms

 

Can you get a written report from the psychologist on their recommendations?

[oxgirl]

I'm so sorry to hear this, soraya. He obviously doesn't feel that he is ready himself to cope with work or deal with the outside world, it sounds as if he is terrified of it and overreacting to any pressure put upon him in that direction. I know my own son is not ready for work. I made him apply for part-time work at a new Sainsbury's that is opening and he found it a really stressful, overwhelming ordeal. He did attend an interview but didn't get the job, to his enormous relief! I have managed to get him to help out for a couple of hours three times a week at a charity shop. It's just a focus for him for the day really, somewhere to go, something to do. It does sound, though, as if when you put any pressure on your lad he goes into panic mode and it's hard to know how to get round that reaction. Would he agree to even filling in an application form or is that too much for him? It would at least be a first step.

 

I wish I had some practical suggestions to offer.

 

~ Mel ~

[JeanneA]

Hi Soraya, I just wanted to say how much I am thinking of you and do hope something works out that will help your son. It must be so hard for you. I wish I to had some helpful suggestions for you but all I can do is wish you well. Please continue to update us.

[soraya]

thanks for your support everyone, it helps to know I am not alone. Trekster, thanks to your suggestion, I have contacted autisum Sussex, and we have a support worker coming in a couple of weeks, I just hope that Nick will open up and talk to them. I haven't told him yet, I keep putting it off as I know he will react badly. Has anyone any suggestions on how to approach the subject with him?

[trekster]

As someone who tries to explain autism to her mum without using the 'a' word or 'disability' I haven't discovered a way of getting her to understand either. I asked her to write some house rules once so I could move back in and decided I wasn't going to move back in as they all said 'remember im the boss'. This was when I was much calmer as well, I think we clash because deep down she is aware im autistic but tries to bully me out of it. That said she does make excellent hot dinners and made a cuppa tea for me today. She's got chronic pain issues herself which doesn't help much.

 

If I may ask, how does your sons OCD manifest itself? Would he respond to a young persons book called 'breaking free from OCD' if left lying around I mean? Despite any well intentions sometimes leaving a cup of tea in the kitchen and letting me go to mum is better than her making me a cup of tea and letting me know. I have very painful hearing which is heightened when I sense an atmosphere or stressful situation. I can hear a dog whistle for example.