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mumtoadozen

Soul searching since son's dx!

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I'm sorry to post again, I'm a bit of a chatter when I need answers (only on internet though)

 

Ever since my son has received his initial diagnosis, I've found myself soul searching more than usual with my own issues and wondering if I have some form of ASD. Now I do have an appointment with GP and to be honest I have always ridiculed my own quirks and 'specialness' so it's not a case of diagnosing myself to 'fit the criteria' iykwim?

 

I do find that some of the areas do not fit with my persona because from an early age things were drummed into me to 'conform'. So eye contact, although it severely pains me to do it, I make a point of trying to hold as my father always told me that only sly people with things to hide will not look you in the eye.

 

But looking back there are things I can remember that would stand me aside from other children my age, I hated and still do, social situations, I would try to sink back into oblivion so no one would notice me, I'd have little rituals, get extremely frustrated if people would upset my routine, would isolate myself and scream into my pillow when things got too much (the list could possibly go on but I've blocked a lot of my memories because of things that went on as a child with family separation)

 

Over the years I've learned to internalise my frustrations, to a point that if it things overwhelm me I withdraw into myself because if I were to scream, shout and lash out as my instinct wants me to do, it would be detrimental to my kids seeing that.............but would someone with ASD have that ability to control? So I question myself again :(

 

Yet I still have traits in me that I can see in my son. At 42 I still use comforters to calm myself, especially (and this one is embarrassing) a pair of baby cords that I rub because I love the feel, this I know I can link back to being a child with a candlewick bedspread who loved the feel and texture, but wash them and the frustrations build up if they have not been tumbled to softness. I have to make sure all the light switches are in the right position before I go to bed. Certain smells, textures and sounds are unbearable. I cut my food and place into piles that are all equal but will smell it before I eat it (that one drives my husband mad so we rarely go out for a meal). I use aids that take me back/remind me of good calming episodes in my life (which makes me a hoarder because I emotionally attach to inanimate objects), I fixate on certain things like sharks and forensics and arrange things in asymmetrical/alphabetical order or research something until I've exhausted every avenue to find an answer, I hate change to the point it brings on severe anxiety........another list that goes on.

 

For years I've put all of my issues down to depression and anxiety. The gp referred me for CBT which worked for a short time and I walked away with added diagnosis' of social anxiety, acute panic and borderline agoraphobia.

 

I guess I'm just trying to look for something to connect me to my son on a deeper level and clutching at straws...I don't know, just a ramble to look back over I guess ;)

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