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Linda_slater@btinternet.com

Son's Obsession With Computer

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Hi.....I'm new to this site so hope I'm doing this right!

 

I have a 12 year old son recently diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Disorder & Dyspraxia. We've been receiving ongoing support from CAMHS & CAMHS LAAC however I don't feel that in the last year we've really moved any further forward. As each day passes life with my son is becoming more and more challenging. His obsession is the computer; he is totally addicted and I have lost total control. To start with I limited his time to two hours a day but gradually that increased and now he can spend 10-12 hours a day playing on Robloxs (I think that is how you spell it!!). If I ask him to finish what he is doing on the computer he refuses and will go in to complete meltdown. He's now skipping meals.....breakfast, lunch and dinner most days. He doesn't leave his bedroom so has no interaction with either the rest of my family or the outside world. He doesn't exercise, has no fresh air, doesn't shower, clean his teeth etc. We have become prisoners in our own home as he refuses to leave the house and we won't leave him. This week end we managed to limit his time to 4 hours, he went out to see a friend but when he got home he went in to total melt down, trashed his room, wrecked his computer, hit both myself (battered and bruised arms and legs) & my husband (black eye). The situation was so out of control we ended up at A&E as advised by our social worker....complete waste of time, ended up coming home at 12.45am Sunday morning.

 

So my question is....how do I take back control of my son's addiction with a computer. Personally I would like for him not to have use of one at all; the games he plays seem to change his personality and cause him to be both verbally and physically abusive. I so desperately need to know what to do for the best; I know the computer is escapism however it is having such a massive, negative effect on us all as a family!

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Hi and welcome, sorry to hear that things are rough at the moment. It does sound as if your son has a serious problem with addiction and needs someone to take control of it for him. The only people who can do that for him is yourself and your husband. I know it is going to be difficult, but it sounds as if things are difficult at the moment already anyway, you can't go on as you are.

 

The first thing I would do is sit down, all three of you, and work out a written contract. I would remove the computer from his room and place it in a room where you all have access to it. I'd draw up a schedule on paper (perhaps agree this with your husband first before showing it to your son). The schedule would show all the things that you expect your son to do, i.e. come and join you for three meals a day, go for walks, to shops, etc., whatever you feel appropriate. It would also show what behaviours would not be accepted, i.e. violence, swearing, destroying things, etc. I'd schedule in specific times when he could use the computer if he has adhered to the other rules. If he breaks the rules, i.e. is violent, the computer time would be withdrawn from him.

 

I know you're probably looking at this in horror, the idea of approaching something like this would seem very daunting, I'm sure. It would be essential that you and your husband worked together on it and did not give in to him. I do believe that your son needs someone else to take control and, even though he may react strongly at first against it, I think in the long run, if you are strong, he will feel secure in the fact that you are in control and he could gain some comfort from that. He can't be happy as he is now and, as you say, his behaviour is ruining the atmosphere for the whole family. You don't say if you have other children as well, but if you do, it would be essential that your son shouldn't be allowed to rule their lives too.

 

Good luck.

~ Mel ~

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I don't know whether this addiction is really the issue here: many autistics find it very relaxing to reduce the channels of communication they are using, and to control them (can do with computers, cannot with other people). So, for his "time off", the computer may be the right thing.

 

On the other hand, he will have to learn to "face the world", at least to some extent, in order not to have to be intitutionalized when he's an adult. So I'd say, too, that you should make a written contract (rules are important!) where you state the minimum time he has to interact with people, but also the maximum time he can avoid people. You'll have to be very careful to stick to those rules yourselves,too, as he'll note any inconsistency on your part.

Edited by Shnoing

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I agree that time on the computer can be relaxing and an outlet but when it gets to this level, where he is becoming manic and the violent games he's playing are whipping him up into a fury of violence and aggression it must be tackled for his own sake and that of the whole family.

 

~ Mel ~

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My daughter has her own computer in her room and finds it relaxing and calming. She has HFA too. However she doesn't like being called away from it unless its to get her dinner. Her personality changes when she's on it to the extent she becomes rude and backchats etc, but thankfully she does not skip meals.

 

What has worked for me is the setting of time limits (under parental controls). For example, she has two hours after school and then the computer automatically logs her out and bars her from further activity. I did this because she would spend all day and night on it if she could (when she's not reading or going out). Fortunately, she has learnt to be very good and doesn't have a meltdown but I have found that being on the computer changes her personality (sadly to a negative one).

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What have CAHMS said to you that you feel has been unhelpful?

http://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/campaign-for-change/learn-more/our-campaigns/past-campaigns/make-school-make-sense.aspx

 

To join a parents forum or find out more try parents@westsussexparentsforum.co.uk .

 

Theres also http://www.autismsussex.org.uk/

 

Sounds to me like hes severely depressed and has had a breakdown or nearing one ie his way of not coping with his diagnosis. His lashing out is a combination of hormones, sudden unexpected changes, taking in his diagnosis and he's built up a wall to shut out the confusing, hurtful world around him.

 

What is he avoiding by being on the PC? Sensory overload? Is his room normally the same each time you enter it? Does he get any warning of when changes are going to happen? eg a note under the door 'dinner on the table in 10mins'. Self neglect is also a depressive behaviour. I'm wondering if something has happened recently in the family or at school? He could be grieving for something or someone.

 

I hope the books 'Asperger syndrome in Adolescence, living with the ups, the downs and things in between' (aimed at parents) and 'freeks, geeks and Asperger syndrome' aimed at teenagers will help either of you. Theres also another book 'Aspects of Asperger syndrome'

 

When he eats what does he eat? He could be forgetting to eat or keep himself clean.

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Good Evening,

 

I know only too well the affects of Computer addiction and obsession.

At 24 I passed out three times in a cinema and was taken to hospital having extremely low blood pressure.

I once played the RPG game Mercenaries for 15 hours straight and then had to sell the console and not touch a games system for several years.

 

What one can do is fixate and look inward, and be defined by a special interest or pursuit or activity.

It takes over from a lack or personal and social relationships.

It covers up low self esteem and self woth.

Its escapism in the extreme, becuase once the power is disconnected your back in the real world with limited self worth.

 

I can give advice.

Take up social activities.

Get engaged in things that socialize around people.

Accept that the world is 98% prototypical so accept in yourself that you have a problem and like Clark Kent owe it to yourself to find out as a much as possible about Aspergers to diagnose yourself and identify where your at and then start getting intervention and coping strategies.

 

Food controls anxiety levels, as its brain sugar.

Physical exercise protects against depression, and running thoughts and ideas past parents or close friends helps you gain understanding.

 

You need to face a problem to be then able to deal with it!

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I myself grew very addicted to my computer and still find myself addicted. You will never succeed at tearing him from the computer as i'm sure it helps him cope with things in his own mind.

I myself used to stay on my computer for days on end and my mom would just go to the pub.

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I myself grew very addicted to my computer ... it helps him cope with things in his own mind.

 

...

 

I don't think that fits the definition of "addiction". Addiction hurts and doesn't help to cope with something else.

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hi Norfolk broads,

 

I read your post a week ago, and have wanted to reply twice since,

 

but always erased my reply, deciding it wasn't good enough.

 

I too was in exactly the same situation with my step son as you and your family find yourself in now.

 

(for me & my lad it was about eight or nine years ago.)

 

so I know exactly how you all feel.

 

everyone's response on here I find to have value.

 

so I'm not saying my opinion is any better than anyone else's,

 

but if it's ok? I'll share with you what me and my wife and my step son found eventually.

 

the problem for our step son turned out to be he was being terribly bullied at school for being different.

 

He was being given the most awful beastly time by his peers.

 

There was physical violence/ threats of physical violence made against him.

 

it was one of those awful "Carrie" situations where his peers got out of hand,

 

but unlike Carrie he didn't fight back.

 

he doesn't have a mean thought in him.. never has and never could, he couldn't harm a fly. he's that sort of nice guy.

 

so he couldn't cope with their nastiness

 

...and retreated into his computer, where everything was safe and predictable, and there is always the reset button.

 

I don't know if your kid is suffering a bullying/ or bad situation that he is trying to retreat from by disappearing into his computer?

 

all I can say is, for our lad that was the case.

 

when we finally found out, we addressed it and & as soon as we did... he slowly backed away from the computer.

 

one day, he actually picked his machine up, threw it on the ground and smashed it to bits, he was so disgusted with how he had become.

 

(i celebrated the day he did that.. even though I knew I'd have to buy him another one for education.)

 

...I wish I'd of have the experience and knowledge to realise the problem earlier, and coax it out of him that he was having troubles.

 

but better late than never. as soon as we knew what the problem was we sorted it.

 

the trouble is getting youngsters to tell us their troubles?

 

good luck to you all.

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