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l'anima semplicetta

Any thoughts on how to manage work stress (aka people stress)?

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This has been a life-long issue, on and off, rears its ugly head from time to time and all gets a bit much. I never take time off for stress, but I do have the flexibility to disappear behind a locked door or work from home when things get tough ... and I am very grateful for that, although I have one or two really nice colleagues who get worried when I do that!

 

Over the last few months things have got pretty bad though, all colleague-related. All the gossip, cliques and ego-bashing that goes on has just completely worn me out. I know it's nothing personal, as the people in question are known for it, and it's likely to be me being over-sensitive to it all, but I just cannot let it go. It builds up over time, I say nothing (I'm not really in a position to challenge them and I can't deal with workplace conflict), and in the end I overload. Taking a step back, I know it's just what happens in most workplaces, from a personal perspective, it is utterly exhausting and draining.

 

That's pretty much where I am now. I can work 50-60 hour weeks with no issues in terms of work pressure, but on-going relatively low-level colleague stress can get to me pretty easily however long or short my week is. I have struggled with anxiety-related issues all my life, so I do at least tend to know when things are going wrong ... intesrests become obsessions, can't sleep, can't get people incidents out of my mind. I have a good GP who who knows I struggle with anxiety on and off and who is happy for me to go back on ADs for a bit without an interrogation ... they've worked before (I started to dislike the 'couldn't care less attitude' they seemed to produce - I'd love that feeling right now).

 

Just wondering if anyone who knows this situation/feeling has any advice to offer?

Edited by l'anima semplicetta

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Hi I'anima!

 

You could try Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams with a free CD with meditations.

 

From your msg I understood that you pretty much have decided what you're going to do next. You said that you can't deal with a workplace conflict, that sounds like you made your choice. From my experience the colleagues who poisoned my life, for years, would never stopped, until I decided to end it... One now retired and another resigned 2 month ago.

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Hi l'anima semplicetta, I am struggling with exactly the same issue at the moment. I am very reserved at work and tend to sit with my head down and get on with my work. As I'm only there for four and a half hours three times a week I feel I have to get stuck in and get on.

 

The people who sit near me are very loud and annoying, singing with no regard for other people trying to concentrate and chatting and laughing non-stop; I don't know how they manage to get any work done at all. Recently it has really started to get to me and I've become more and more insular. I say good morning when I get in and goodbye when I leave and no-one even answers. The rest of the time they just ignore me completely and I now feel the atmosphere is getting stonier and stonier. If I pass them in corridors they just glare at me, I don't know what I've done to upset them or why they seem to dislike me so much.

 

I can chat to other people in the large open-plan office, just a quick hi how are you, etc. but usually go through my time at work not saying a word to anyone. It's really getting me down and, like you, I relive it all when I get home and at the weekend and feel very tearful about it all. I'm very lonely at work but don't know how to go about changing things. I'm not one who can just suddenly start calling across the office like others do and if people talk I assume they're not talking to me. I've always been someone who is easily ignored and it really depresses me. I feel like leaving my job but I enjoy the work and know the team I work for values the work I do, it's just I can't seem to get 'in' with the people I sit with or near, I feel so remote from them.

 

Sorry, didn't have any advice for you but can really empathise and hope things improve for you.

 

~ Mel ~

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I too struggle to communicate at work - I tend to be mute and get on with my work, only speaking when spoken to or need to discuss work things - I'm also a very private person and like to keep things to myself, whereas other people seem willing to blurt out personal stuff at will. I feel drained after a few hours around people and want to escape somewhere I can be alone, somewhere quiet - which just isn't possible in an 8-hour working day, so I get more stressed and my focus goes.

 

When younger is used to use humour/sarcasm to make up for a lack of conversation - I realise now it was a poor substitute, but making people laugh did ease the tension a bit.

 

I managed to hold down two my first two jobs for 7 years each, by being fairly mute and getting on with my work, but every day was painful/stressful - and in the 2nd job I worked my way up and had to attend more meetings, communicate with more people, and then had to go on a trip abroad which finished me off. I then spent several years not working and lost touch with the world of work I recently had a work trial which led to a 3 month contract, but they expected more from me verbally (taking calls from customers) and I just couldn't cope with that - I've always struggled with fone conversations, and sometimes get very snappy/defensive when I can't cope with the conversation.

 

I've been on anti-depressant anti-psychotic to try and help me cope with people but this just meant I was doped up and even more distant/isolated - I wasn't as anxious, but was zoning-out more so not as productive.

 

I've now spoken to my psych about this and he has referred me for help with social anxiety, I know I need to work on my problems before I try working again.

 

There's nothing wrong with focussing on your job, and most employers should value highly productive staff - but there is a social element to most jobs that means you can easily become isolated or persecuted if you don't 'fit in'. It is painful and awkward, but its something to work at. Try and keep focussed on the job, and control any thoughts about whether you 'fit-in' or not - Aspies can think way too much about things and that gets in the way.

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Thanks for the replies and apologies for not getting back to this thread sooner. Thank you for all the empathising and advice ... it seems I am not alone in this!

 

I am grateful to Tanya52 for suggesting Mindfulness - I have practised this on and off for a few years now, and when things get beyond a certain level (i.e. a couple of weeks ago), I tend to forget it even exists and get caught up in a bit of a vicious circle where nothing works and I lose the will power to even try! However, this was a timely reminder and jolted me out of my state of mind to a certain extent. Although the GP prescribed ADs, I have put them on hold (with his knowledge) for a couple of weeks of 'effort' if you like. I'm going to see if I can get some relief from exercise (something else that has worked in the past), as well as some enforced mindfulness, and a bit of time away from the workplace (- I have the flexibility to work from home sometimes). This appears to be working, although it's too soon to tell, but I definitely feel a lot better. Any yes, I refuse to let a few idiots at work beat me ...

 

The similar stories are useful though, as it is a reminder that I'm not the only one who struggles with this sort of thing. I've always managed to stay in work, but I have quite a repertoire of strategies for avoiding people if I'm getting worn out by others. One is a little greasy spoon cafe near to work where no colleagues would go ... doesn't do a lot for my waistline, but it's not noisy and I never see anyone I know there.

 

Hope everyone is getting on OK as well - thanks again, this site can be a real support at times like this :)

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Glad you're feeling better about things. I also felt a bit better when I went into work on Thursday, I think airing my thoughts here did help me too. Sometimes it's just about accepting who we are and not trying to hanker after being different. I wish I wasn't as reserved as I am, but I can't change it totally. I just try to make an effort to exchange a few words and smiles with one or two people each day and try to see those as a victory for me rather than feeling depressed about how I'm not the life and soul of the party; something I can never be.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

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Hi l'anima,

 

I can totally relate to your dilemma, and all the posts in this thread. I think offices are the worst environment for someone with ASD, because of the cliques and gossip. This only seems to happen in offices and I think the best solution, if possible, is to find a different kind of work, where people are more creative, tolerant and broad-minded.

 

From what I've gleaned over the years, I would say If there’s no choice but to work in an office, it’s important not to feel victimised, and to try to see things from the point of view of colleagues, who I suppose are only human and want to be liked. If we come across as stand-offish, they feel we don’t like them and are offended. Easier said than done of course. I usually get it wrong and simply avoid colleagues who seem bitchy or bullying. I remember this one woman saying to her friend, “What is her problem!” which made me want to crawl into a hole for a month.

 

I coped better in my last admin job because, by a fluke, I was in a room with intelligent professionals rather than fellow admin staff, and they seemed to accept me. I still found it exhausting though. The actual workload took up 10% of my energy but being in a room with the same people every day took up 90%. This was especially true if there was just me and one other person, because then I would be forced to talk or endure the uncomfortable silence. By the time I got home at night I would be totally exhausted and want to sleep. I’ve always resented working because it takes up ALL my energy and I have none left to do the things I enjoy. My NT partner on the other hand is energised and recharged by being around people at work and is ready for more socialising afterwards! I think my ideal solution would be to stop wasting all my energy on trying to fit in, and just work from home if I could.

Gx

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Although it's just a temporary thing, I think hanging around others helps you if you feel bored or lonely. However, I guess it depends on the situation. Being alone is fine if you will it, but actual loneliness is never good. I know myself I'd love to get a girlfriend, but I also feel annoyed at not being lucky in that sector. It's just better to hone your skills first and be friends with a woman, in case you appear too keen. I know I am keen. :)

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What annoys me about my situation is that I know the office environment just doesn't work for me, and luckily I can manage to work at home much of the time, but there are people I like at work and I wish I could cope with being there more often. I know that making myself spend more time in the office isn't going to be good for my overall mental health in the long term. One of the worst things I can do is think that I'm "better" due to the break from the office and try to go in more often.

 

I’ve always resented working because it takes up ALL my energy and I have none left to do the things I enjoy. My NT partner on the other hand is energised and recharged by being around people at work and is ready for more socialising afterwards! I think my ideal solution would be to stop wasting all my energy on trying to fit in, and just work from home if I could.

 

I have that energy drain problem often just trying to cope with my workload at home. It frustrating when I don't want my life to just be about managing to do a normal day's work.

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Yeah. Work can be like that. I used to work in a shop where all I did was stand in front of a till. It's hard to concentrate if you don't do other things in between. I was also working in a charity shop where the till had buttons for different items.

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