Hi from Oxford

[oxfordguy]

Hi all my name is Julian I'm 23 from Oxford, I hope that I'm posting this in the right place.

To explain why I'm here I myself do not have Aspergers but my current partner exhibits many characteristics of having Aspergers, although not diagnosed he has spoken with people who work for scope who have said that they felt he does suffer from Aspergers and to speak with his GP.

We are our in a fairly recent relationship but we are somewhat invested in it, he is 21 years of age just graduated university and currently looking for work. Since graduating he has been forced to move back home, meaning that we are now separated by an hours travel each way. This is in itself is not an issue, but it does cause issues. But prior to this we saw each other daily and although we had problems they seem to have become worse with the distance.

This weekend we finally hit rock bottom having had a blazing row, over what I consider to be trivial things. The argument started over communication and the fact I feel there is a lack of it. I do my best to accommodate his needs when it comes to communication but I feel that not even being able to send a few simple text messages throughout the day with out getting my head ripped off is a step to far. I love him and care deeply for him and one of my ways of expressing this is by communicating and expressing an interest in his daily life in this manor amongst other things.

He states that this leaves him feeling claustrophobic and unable to cope, I have now stopped messaging him throughout the day and only message me when he is ready to talk but this leaves me feeling slightly sad and empty inside, but I am willingly to deal with this.

One of the big issues is he need for space and that he can't be around people for long periods of time, it concerns me that in doing this he is pushing people away who are trying to be there and help and support him and that one day when he most needs them they will not be there. But this is also adding a stress to our relationship as I would like to spend more time together than we currently are, I am also struggling to understand his reasoning for this, to me this is a completely alien concept.

He also has an obsession with Pokemon cards and this itself is not an issue its the fact that they can if left to his own devices over take more important things such as finding a job or actually doing some of the small work he has already. I feel that I am having to parent him on the issue of priories and I know this is something that many people feel in relationships with someone who does suffer with Aspergers, but I need to find a way in which to manage this without offending, patronising or being condescending.

But right now my biggest concern is his habit of putting his friends first and relying on them being there for him, I'm all for that to a degree, but I feel as they are uni friends and they have all gone there separate ways and started life in the real world, they see each other rarely and I'm concerned that he will always become reliant on them as form of comfort blanket and then one day without him noticing they won't be there anymore.

I really want to be with him and will do what ever I can to help him and support him, as I said I have stopped the texting despite how this makes me feel, but as for the rest and in general terms of making our relationship function I feel like I've hit a stumbling block as he is not able to guide me to making changes and so I have become desperate to find ways in which to make it easier for both of us which is why I am now here.

I'm sorry for my ramblings, but I need help to make it work. This is a guy that makes me feel like no one else ever has and it is worth going to such lengths for. So any advice I really would appreciate, as I'm struggling and this upsets me tremendously hence the arguments.

Regards,

Julian

[positive_about]

Hi Julian, I almost certainly have Aspergers and have problems maintaining relationships - in a similar way to what you have described. We do make things 'interesting' at the very least. We tend to need our own space, especially when we have been around people and had to 'perform' - this can drain us, and we need to recharge. Sometimes we withdraw to process something that has happened - it can even take us a long time to process to something that may appear simple/trivial. We also tend to have special interests that we dominate our thinking/lives, and can get very defensive/protective of them - hence parting us from them can cause a lot of sparks. Don't take it personally if he disappears/withdrawns/snaps, be patient - just let him know you feel, that you need to know how he is/feels, and that you are the for him.

 

You should read the book Asperger Syndrome - a love story, by Sarah Hendrix. Its written by a couple where one of them has AS, and both sides explain the joys and difficulties this brings. I could relate to it, and helped me to understand a bit more about how I affect our relationship.

 

We tend to want to mould the world to fit around us, or our difficulties, and that doesn't really work in relationships - he needs your help and patience to realise and accept this. Don't compromise to his level all the time, let him know he needs to compromise. You should be able to text him during the day, but this may overwhelm him or he may not be willing to respond - especially if absorbed in a special interest, or recharging. My advice is don't back off completely, thats too easy for him, let him know you want to text him during the day and that he doesn't need to respond but you would like him to.

 

I would say he needs time to come to terms with having Aspergers, and what that means for your relationship - don't be too hard on him, but don't give him an easy time either

[trekster]

Hello

 

Welcome to the forum, was wondering how the gay community in your area has responded to you?

Does your fella accept that he could be Aspergers? If so what is he trying to do about coming to terms

with Aspergers?

 

There are a number of ways in which someone responds to a diagnosis;

 

reactive depression,

arrogance and denial (which in a few rare cases includes autistic malice)

delayed imitation,

escaping into imagination.

 

yourself and your fella could move around between these types of reactions. Also how your and your

fellas parents reacted to their sons difference can influence which one of these reactions applies to you.

Sorry for the convoluted response. Tony Atwood 'a complete guide to aspergers'.

 

There are 6 routes to diagnosis although I cant remember them all. Diagnosis of autism in childhood,

diagnosis of a parent with autism/aspergers, referral for a diagnosis of something else and I cant

remember the other routes. Simon Baron Cohen the 'autism the facts'.

 

I highly recommend Autism Oxford as a supportive organisation http://www.autismoxford.org.uk/

for either of you.

 

HTH

 

[oxgirl]

Hi Oxfordguy and welcome. I just wanted you to remember that you are in a two-way relationship and it sounds as if you are taking on all the compromising yourself. It isn't for you to fix the relationship on your own or to change to make it work without your partner having to lift a finger. You both should be working to make the relationship work, it isn't just all on your head. I agree with Tim in that you should not let your partner get away with having everything his way. If you need to text throughout the day to make you feel secure then he needs to understand this and accept that this is important to you, as you and your needs are just as important as his own. Don't let him get away with thinking that you will do all the hard work and the trying to make everything okay and easy for him. To me it just sounds like you are both new in your relationship and sometimes it takes a long time for a couple of work things out so that they both can be happy with how things are. Stick with it, if he makes you happy but don't feel tempted to change everything that you are to accommodate him as this isn't fair on you.

 

Good luck and sometimes it's just a matter of time.

 

~ Mel ~

[Merry]

Positive_about put it so brilliantly in his first paragraph. I have aspergers and in the past I have felt guilt for not being able to change. I used to believe my partner deserved better. But he sees in me something he hasn't received from a woman before, which is the ability to understand him on a very deep level....unfortunately, what he doesn't get is the affection and time which I know he deserves but i cannot alter myself enough to provide it for him, however hard i try. I genuinely care, but don't show it in the ways he was used to before he met me. We do need a lot of time to process things. If we don't get it, we don't cope as well with life. The stress kind of builds up until we crack if we don't get that time. It may be daunting for him also to have finally found someone who wants to know and accept the real him. We are so used to playing roles and even though we don't tend to like social situations, groups of people who won't always be around are a good place to hide from `real life` and those who really care. It took my husband quite a few years to learn to live with me in a way that makes me happy and also makes himself happy. Like you, he made a decision to be my man regardless of the differences. I'm sure it hasn't always been easy for him. My obsessions have at times caused arguments and he worries when they get out of hand, but it's hard for him to help me when I can't see that it's happening, and am perfectly happy with how obsessed I am! Really, I think it just takes a lot of time. But I hope you stick with your aspergers guy because you obviously love him and can see all the beautiful aspects of aspergers as well as the difficulties. The truth is, someone like you is just what people like us really need, even when we don't recognize it. The stability and security of a loving relationship usually makes us blossom even though it can be rocky to begin with! Best of luck.