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Chris the Sheep

Nearly 50, and life starting to make sense

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Hi all, I'm a man who's nearly 50 years old, married, with four grown-up kids - reasonably successful in the workplace, well paid, and to most people perfectly normal.

 

Thing is - two of my sons were diagnosed with Asperger's in the last few years, the eldest in particular having been really helped by the diagnosis – he’s made it part of his identity. As with many other adults, I had already seen my own life playing back through my sons and began to think maybe I was an Aspie too; and looking back further, I see the same kind of behaviour in my mother.

 

I’m NOT diagnosed, and I haven’t made any approaches to my GP on the topic – having looked at some of the threads on here it does look like an adult assessment can be hard to get on the NHS, especially for someone like me who has no apparent problems. I also question its value when NHS resources are better used on those who really need access to support. For me it’s more of a curiosity.

 

Am I likely to be taken seriously on this forum if I only have self-diagnosis?

 

 

For anyone with time on their hands, read on – life history coming up – does this sound familiar?

 

 

As a child I was always seen as ‘gifted’; advanced language skills at an early age, and a fantastic memory for facts. But one or two things did stand out; an obsession with combine harvesters that lasted for several years (I grew up in a farming community), preference for playing with girls rather than boys, and summer holidays spent riding my bike alone, happy with my own thoughts. I remember when my parents asked me what kind of bike I wanted, I asked for a Raleigh Shopper; after all, it was practical, reliable, and I could carry things on it. Why wouldn’t I choose that over the Chopper that my peers had?

 

Also during my school days, other kids learned that if they teased me enough I would explode in a rage. It only happened a few times, because I think the school saw what was happening and dealt with it by warning the culprits, not by punishing me. But that feeling of being overwhelmed, and a switch ready to flick, remains with me to this day. I just know how to avoid it.

 

That example above illustrates the good fortune I’ve had in my life; teachers and the adults around me saw my strengths and did their best to support me even though they didn’t know there was anything ‘wrong’. The obsession with combine harvesters eventually became an obsession with transport, which I learned to keep to myself to avoid ridicule.

 

The next big crunch point for me though was going to University; I found the first year incredibly tough, and eventually went to the doctor and was referred to a psychiatrist when I saw warning signs that my mother had told me about (she had what was known as a ‘nervous breakdown’ before I was born). I put the stress down to growing up in a small village where everybody knew everybody else, even though I’d struggled to get on with peers. I was referred to a ‘social skills’ class, something that at first felt humiliating. But I went along, and in the initial one-to-one the professional told me that I didn’t make eye contact, and that made it difficult to communicate.

 

My reaction was that I’d never realised I was supposed to, and I’d better give it a go. Having now learned the key to social success (as if!) I never went back, and practiced eye contact all the time. That one step made a massive difference, and led right up to the point now where my colleagues and friends think I’m perfectly normal and my social skills (with familiar people) are seen as being better than most. Then they would be, I’d learnt them as a musician learns to play an instrument.

 

So I eventually graduated (alcohol helped a lot, sometimes too much) and landed a job as a Programmer in what became IT. In those days it was a very structured occupation; everybody knew the rules, and everybody complied. Yet within those rules it was highly creative, and I took to it immediately.

 

I reached the limit of my career years ago; anything further means management, and all the politics and power games that go with it. I’ve tried a few times (my own managers think I’m perfectly capable) but I always have to bail out when it gets too much. I do it well, but the sheer effort is too much for me.

 

In my personal life, I have the good fortune to have met my wonderful wife who really does understand me – and I have my suspicions that she’s got a touch of Asperger’s herself. She’s just so straightforward, honest and caring; relationships were always a source of stress for me, but my marriage and home are safe places where I can truly relax.

 

So you can see – I’ve got a lot to be grateful for in my life, and I suspect I might not be diagnosed with Asperger’s these days; but my brain hasn’t changed, and I still don’t understand why some people manage to do the things that stress me so much.

 

So do I have AS? Who knows?

 

 

 

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Hi Chris

Your story is very interesting. It sounds like the social skills class made all the difference to fitting in well later on. To me, an office work environment is a kind of hell, and I couldn't be a manager in a million years. Maybe I find work particularly hard as I'm usually in some lowly job that I'm over-qualified for, and my colleagues wonder what I'm doing there. It's hard to know what's normal and what's not. I just started reading '22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know" and I can relate to all of it. What I would love to read though, is an 'idiots guide' comparing how it feels to be an NT, as it's a bit of a mystery to me.

G

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...

 

Am I likely to be taken seriously on this forum if I only have self-diagnosis?

 

...

 

Yes.

Getting a dx has some dangers,too, re. insurances etc.

 

I didn't attend a social skills class, but I found "Watching the English" and "Games people play" very illuminating.

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Thanks for the replies so far, nice to be made welcome.

 

Plenty of other things come to mind:

 

I'm useless at any ball game - catching, anything with a bat, even football. But another aspect of that is that I find sport somehow 'pointless'; it doesn't make sense for me to spend months competing for a trophy, then to start all over again.

 

I also don't enjoy much fiction, including movies; yet I love reading non-fiction. Funnily enough I can't stand science fiction (my son loves it).

 

Another thing in my past that was a key moment was a team-building course I went on with my first employer; these days I'm cynical about that sort of thing but that's my age I think. But at the time there was an exercise where we all wrote anonymously what we liked about each other. Some people got quite bland / polite lists; on mine it was clear that people loved my sense of humour and really liked me. Until that point (I was 22) I honestly assumed everybody found me really boring and annoying. Obviously it was a risky thing to do; if my perception had been borne out I would - literally - have felt suicidal.

 

One thing that holds me back is that I dread making phone calls; email, no problem. I will put off making a call to someone I don't know very well, and nobody understands why. After all, I don't seem shy to them (as a teenager I was almost mute).

 

Another thing I remember from my late teens is that people spread gossip that I was gay; only with hindsight did I realise that girls were coming on to me and I was completely oblivious to them. I wasn't attracted to girls, but I wasn't attracted to boys either. I simply never got close enough to anyone to experience sexual attraction; I did eventually lose my virginity at 21, which looking back really didn't matter but at the time it was important. But then I was lucky; it was hard enough for me, and I know many AS people never break through that barrier.

 

I may have poor ball skills, but I ride a motorcycle as well as cycling; both make me feel agile and in control, unlike my otherwise slightly clumsy self (and dancing is best forgotten). I also used to play the flute and did well at it; but it was a mechanical thing, I never did 'get' music, but technically I was very good.

 

The way I feel in my job is that I never see things the same way as anybody else; I suppose I think outside the box, without knowing what's inside. It often turns out I'm right, but it's a long journey getting people from the 'wrong' answer to my answer! It's a job where I look at processes that are experiencing issues and recommend ways to improve; so thinking differently is very valuable. But I get a LOT of resistance, because people can't see beyond the obvious.

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Hi Chris and welcome :)

 

I'm 42 and can relate to an awful lot of what you write (though your combine harvester was my shark obsession lol) and I don't 'do' people, though I have overcompensated by having 12 children, though kids are easier to get along with than adults if you ask me :/

 

I received my 'official' diagnosis last Friday and was actually told by the clinical psychologist that really, if you 'know'..... you know, especially having other diagnosis' in the family.

 

I've always been someone who researches and has to have answers so for me, seeking an official dx was just me being me, my husband on the other hand knows he's on the spectrum but doesn't need to have that official intervention as it changes nothing (lawd am I making sense?)

 

You sound like a very interesting, in control person and I hope you gain as much as I have from these very helpful people :D

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You really will fit in perfectly here! Just like mumtoadozen (12...wow :notworthy: ), I can relate to pretty much everything you said. (I remember when I first realized the eye contact thing too!) Instead of feeling different, here you will find many who are strikingly similar to yourself. I would say it doesn't matter to anyone here whether we are officially diagnosed or self diagnosed......we can all tell an "aspie" from a non-"aspie", and you most definitely sound like someone with aspergers to me! All kinds of people use this site. Parents, like yourself, those who are not officially diagnosed (also like yourself at present), and those who have a diagnosis. Also partners/other family members of those with autism use the site. But either way, we all share one thing, -autism effects each of us, and so we understand and use our own experience try to support each other. I'll look forward to getting to know you!

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