Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Jimmy

Expert opinions needed...

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

This is my first post in this forum and potentially my first step in attempting to get some answers.

 

I’m male and 32 years of age. Throughout my life, I’ve often experienced little things that make me feel different to others. I’ve always had big problems in terms of my social skills, though this has always been put down to the fact I’m ‘just shy’. I’ve always had the desire to speak out and make conversation with strangers, but I just find it almost impossible and very unnatural. I work in IT and the job I have, whilst most of the time involves working alone in front of a PC screen, does sometimes involve talking to people. I intentionally try and push the boundaries of my comfort zone occasionally, to attempt to make things easier, but it never seems to get easier. A lot of this is also to try and change people’s perceptions of me, as I’ve been told I sometimes come across as very aloof. I’m a lot better at attempting brief small talk with people I know a little, but any lengthier conversations end in awkward silences and me stumbling over my words.

 

Over the last few years, I’ve occasionally thought that I share a few of traits that are commonly found in people with Aspergers. It was only upon researching a little more recently that I realised I share a lot more than I’d initially thought. The fact I immediately recognise a lot of the traits makes me contemplate the notion that maybe there’s more to my lack of social skills than just shyness.

 

Having children recently has made me reflect on certain aspects of my life, largely due to having to face difficulties I didn’t realise I had. I’ve been reading up on AS and it’s started raising a few questions in my head. I’m not sure how reliable the online tests are, but I scored 41 in the AQ Autism Test and 130 out of 200 (neurotypical score of 77 out of 200) in the Aspie Quiz.

 

I just wanted to share some of my traits with you to see if you recognise any of them. This list is fairly comprehensive and covers all the things that make me the person I am, including all the little quirky things. Apologies for the length of the list but if you could spare the time to consider just some of my traits and give me your honest opinion as to whether you think I should be assessed or if I’m completely barking up the wrong tree, I’d be very grateful.

 

Childhood

  • My earliest vivid memory is when I was 25 months and my brother was born. I’ve not met many people who can remember this far back.
  • I used to get very frustrated as a young child and used to bang my head on the floor. My Grandad put this down to my intelligence and frustration in not being able to articulate it.
  • I had quite severe attachment issues with my mother. I used to have nightmares about her abandoning me. Starting nursery when I was 3 was a massive problem for me and I struggled to cope with her leaving me with people I didn’t know.
  • I had very good language skills from an early age – I felt the need to always pronounce my words very well. If I met another child with less developed speech, I would often tutor them on how to form words correctly.
  • I always had very good cognitive skills.
  • When I started school, I used to go through phases where I just wouldn’t want to be there and I would cry at my Mum to take me home. I couldn’t find a logical explanation as to why I felt like this and to this day, I can’t understand why I had these feelings.
  • I became obsessed with computers from a very early age (around 5) and have remained very interested in computers and IT ever since.
  • I preferred to build with Lego and invent vehicles, rather than play with action figures. I had very little imagination in terms of ‘pretending’ with action figures.
  • I never really had a hobby and hated all sports. I had very bad co-ordination when it came to sport, unless it just involved running in a straight line which I was very good at.
  • I always had a desire to ‘fit in’ but never seemed to fit in with any particular group. I always felt as though I was an outsider intruding on a group. I pretty much always had a ‘best friend’ who was pretty much my only friend at the time. I sometimes tried to be part of a bigger circle of friends, but this often resulted in me growing close to one person then subsequently isolating ourselves from the others in the group. My best friends were often other children who also felt like they didn’t fit in.
  • I used to collect stamps and became a bit obsessive at one point. I never missed stamp club at school and spent hours upon hours categorising my stamps.
  • If I lost something as a child, I’d get very upset / angry and spend an unreasonable amount of time trying to find it. I lost my favourite marble from the hole in my reading bag. I was devastated and it played on my mind for a long time. I’d almost class this characteristic as a fear. I also used to hoard crisps packets / food bags / biscuit wrappers in my jacket pockets because I wouldn’t want to bin them (or at least I wanted to put them in the bin at home). Not sure why, but I think it was similar to losing things, as described above.
  • I was generally well behaved at school and regarded as gifted and of above average intelligence. But I hated supply teachers and would often get in trouble if we didn’t have the usual class teacher. I liked winding them up if I deemed them bad at their job or unable to keep controls of the class.
  • I spent a lot of my teenage years on the Internet. I also spent time building PCs and designing websites based on my interests (largely computer games). I also used to write my own computer games and would be shut away in my room for very long periods of time.
  • My first ‘proper’ girlfriend didn’t materialise until I was 16. I was besotted by her and unfortunately let my GCSEs suffer a little as she was a massive distraction for me. When we broke up, I took it very badly and struggled to accept the fact we were no longer together. I obsessed over the fact that it was inevitable that we would get back together, although this did not happen.

 

Early Adulthood

  • I left university a couple of months after starting, due to finding it difficult to make friends. I felt very low during this time and missed my old life and family massively. I did attend a different university a year later, but already had friends there as the university was situated in my home town. This made the whole thing a little less daunting, although I still had problems making friends initially. I was lucky in that one girl invited me into her circle of friends. I think she probably felt a little sorry for me as I was evidently shy. I remained in this circle of friends for around a year before I eventually developing a strong platonic friendship with a member of the group. We then split from the wider group due to different module choices. The girl I used to hang around with did have friends, but I did resent her spending time with them during the normal university day, largely due to jealousy I think. I hardly ever socialised outside of the typical university day.
  • I met my wife on a dating site. I didn’t have the confidence to start talking to girls in person. Whilst it was still quite scary, the fact I’d spoke to her on the Internet quite a bit beforehand made me feel considerably more at ease.
  • We got married a few years back and until quite recently, spent much of our married life trying to conceive. We went through a very stressful period of fertility treatment. During this time, I spent most of the time bottling up my emotions and then having meltdowns, whereby something would trigger me to get very angry and lose my temper and then get upset. Whilst I tried to be supportive to my wife, I’d often find myself trying to be overly positive and not really having much empathy for her and what she was going through. Thankfully, we were finally blessed with beautiful twin boys last year.

 

Now / General Traits

  • I hate social situations, particularly parties and social work events. I’ll avoid these at any cost. My wife dislikes how I don’t like parties and often thinks I come across rude or aloof as I generally don’t talk to people. I like the idea of getting involved with conversations but I just can’t do it with people I don’t know. I find it pretty much impossible to start conversations with strangers. If I do manage to start a conversation, I struggle to keep it going which makes things very awkward. I apparently come across as disinterested sometimes. I do worry that people think I’m chipping in at the wrong time or commenting on something that I shouldn’t be commenting.
  • I have a Facebook profile but never communicate with anyone on Facebook. You’d think my interest in IT would mean I’d be an avid user when you take into account its’ popularity. However, the social aspect just doesn’t appeal to me.
  • I get very easily distracted at work – if I’m not heavily into a project I’m currently working on, I find it almost impossible to start new pieces of work, unless a deadline is looming. I get easily sidetracked (have spent a good few hours typing this list instead of working!)
  • I hate dancing as I can’t dance and worry about looking very silly.
  • My ideal evening after my sons have gone to bed would be to play on my Xbox. Due to having young twins, I find that getting on my Xbox to play games nowadays is very difficult. If I don’t play on my Xbox to relax, I often find myself very stressed and unable to relax for very long periods of time.
  • I find books very difficult to become interested in. The only books I can read are on subjects I’m exceptionally interested in. In my adult life, I’ve only read three books and they were all non-fiction. I could never bring myself to read any fiction.
  • I love watching TV, the core of what I watch being soaps. I’ve watched soaps avidly since a child. I often bore my wife about future plotlines or past stories – she watches soaps but really doesn’t care too much about future plotlines. I also like shows such as Doctor Who and love all the Star Wars films.
  • I have a fascination with lights / colour. Our baby monitor cycles through different colours and I could watch it for hours. I often ‘play with light’ with my hands to make it refract in different ways.
  • When lying in bed, I sometimes trace the lines of the room with my fingers in the air i.e. following the lines where the ceiling meets the wall. I don’t do this intentionally, but my wife often catches me doing it and makes me aware of it, which makes me stop. I’ve been doing this since I was a child.
  • I’m constantly making verbal noises, such as raspberries, clicking sounds or dripping taps. Sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it until my wife points it out to me. I spend hours doing this with my children. I also do impressions of celebrities.
  • If a topic comes up in conversation and seems interesting, I’ll have the urge to visit Wikipedia on my phone or work PC to find out as much as possible about it, often abandoning whatever I’m doing at the time. I probably visit Wikipedia 10 – 15 times a day on average to find more information on something.
  • Washing up baby bottles must be done in a logical way, i.e. wash all the bottles, then all the teats, then the teat rims, then put the teats in the teat rims and organise on the draining board. My wife does not do this which often infuriates me and I feel my blood pressure increasing.
  • Computer programming is my vocation. It gives me the opportunity to be very logical and make technical things work without having to talk to too many people.
  • I sometimes find it difficult to empathise with people and can’t understand why other people are often very negative – this sometimes comes across as being positive and optimistic but can be mistaken for lack of caring.
  • I will make eye contact naturally with people I know very well. Eye contact with friends is a little more difficult. I try to make eye contact with people I don’t know but find this very unnatural and uncomfortable.
  • I love spoonerisms – switching the letters of words around. Like chish and fips! I often do this without thinking, usually in the right context (i.e. when at home) but sometimes inappropriately (albeit unintentionally) during informal conversations at work.
  • People at work have considered me aloof at times. In business meetings, I rarely speak up, unless there are a small number of people in the meeting and the subject of the meeting is something I’m directly involved with. If the subject of the meeting is something I’m interested in, providing there are only a small number of people, I will talk fairly confidently for a long period of time. I really have to concentrate not to interrupt other people when they talk in these situations and sometimes struggle to decipher exactly when I should speak. Not speaking up in meetings does go against me and is often raised as an issue in annual performance meetings.
  • My eyes are very sensitive to sunlight, which has resulted in early crow’s feet due to squinting.
  • When I’m exceptionally tired, I sometimes blink very harshly, almost giving the appearance of me screwing my eyes up, but very quickly. I think I used to do this more when I was younger.
  • I get my haircut as infrequently as possible, as making conversation with the person cutting my hair is often very difficult.
  • I like rough routine (my disorganisation in the morning often ruins this) but a major change to my routine is not good e.g. when my wife kindly provides me with unexpected ironing! This often makes me lose my temper, even though the implications of running 5 minutes later won’t really make a huge difference.
  • I hoard stuff, although I think I’m a lot better than I used to be. I find it difficult to part with computer components. My garage is full from floor to ceiling of stuff I can’t currently bring myself to part with.
  • Bad drivers make me very cross. On the whole, I am a very calm person. But if someone is in the wrong lane on a roundabout and then cuts me up and doesn’t indicate as they should, I get very, very angry. This happened to me once and my foot was shaking so much that I could barely keep it on the accelerator.
  • I love computer games, particularly vast virtual worlds I can explore or games where I can become very efficient at doing something, such as Call of Duty. I love games with lots of content that can be explored.
  • I love my TV and my Xbox. I get angry when my sons play with them or hit them. I know they’re only babies, but it still makes me unreasonably cross, even though I try to not let it bother me.
  • If I’ve got a lot of feelings bottled up, this will often result in explosions. These happen much more when I’m tired. Having small children that wake up during the middle of the night means I’m a lot more tired nowadays, so my wife sees me losing my temper a lot more. She has commented that the extent to wish I lose my temper is often completely out of context and over the top.
  • If I am going through a stressful period, either at work or at home, I’ll often lose my temper over the most trivial things. I can be happy and calm one minute, then something as trivial as knocking something unbreakable off the draining board will often get me instantly very cross and result in me throwing it across the kitchen. In retrospect I can see no logical reason for doing this, but at the time the impulse to do this is uncontrollable.
  • I’m obsessed with deodorant. I never forgot to put it on. But I keep a spare one in my bag just in case I do one day. If deodorant builds up in my clothes over time (which it does, even if washed), then I can’t wear them again because they smell funny. My wife often dismisses this.
  • I’m very good at hearing quiet noises when I’m awake. But I’m very good at not hearing loud noises when I’m asleep (apparently!).
  • I’m rubbish at multitasking – particularly when I’m on the phone having a conversation and my wife is trying to have another conversation with me.
  • I twist and crack my fingers far too often – most of the time, I don’t realise I’m doing it. I do it more when I’m stressed too.
  • I often speak far too loudly (when my sons are asleep) or far too quietly (to the point of mumbling).
  • I once completed a psychometric test for an interview. I was described as a ‘genius’ for achieving 88% when the next best person got 61% and they had a degree in mathematics. The test was based primarily on pattern, logic and sequence.
  • You may have noticed – I like writing lists…lots of lists! It helps me organised things in my head. Wunderlist is the best app ever invented for mobile phones!

I would love you hear your opinions / views and am very interested in any similar experiences you may have had.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

 

Jimmy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your AQ score is quite high, so that alone is a good indication you may have AS - though its only a guide, and not a diagnostic tool. I scored 38, and currently waiting for a diagnosis. I would defo show that list to your GP, and/or psychiatrist as it will give them a good idea of your traits.

 

I could comment on nearly every item on your list, as I can relate well, but I will keep it brief.

 

I've worked in electronics/IT for many years (some say the IT industry was built by people with AS) - I used my brothers ZX81 when I was 11 and was obsessed with computers from then on, I am highly logical and I can make sense of computers given enough time and effort. At college I learnt about 8-bit computers and machine code - so I built my own Z80 based computer and programmed it to control the temperature in my parents conservatory. At my first job I taught myself Quick Basic, then Visual Basic - the next job I taught myself Java (well some of it, there's a lot involved), HTML/CSS, Perl, PHP - I just seem to pick these things up quickly, and want to have a go at writing games with C# and XNA. I've also been into 3D modelling, though not done much recently as lost interest/motivation. Sadly I don't know enough about any language in particular to consider myself a proper programmer, though part of me would like a career in programming, or something similar. I wish I had done computer studies at school, but my best subject was technical drawing and I couldn't do computer studies with that - teachers pushed me to stick to what i was best at, I was gutted. It was only when I started work that I started to work with computers properly, rather than just messing around at home.

 

I've never really been that interested in people, and so kept myself to myself most of my life - and just became more absorbed in computers. I met my fiancee online, we just found it easy to chat to each other which hasn't happened with anyone else - and we are so similar its spooky, we feel like true soul-mates. Even though we get on so well, I still withdrawn/disappear and misunderstand sometimes which causes difficulties. AS people can be more interested in things than people, and become overly attached to things.

 

I also love spoonerisms, and blurt them out without even thinking - I can get away with at home with my partner, luckily, but know that other people probably won't understand. I also love puns, rhymes, and general word play. I too make odd noises, and always have done - at school I used to talk backwards as well, and did a bit of beatboxing (still do now and then). I probably was very aloof at school, and kids said I was 'weird' though I didn't know why, apart from them also pointing out I was shy. I wasn't aware of myself to know what I was doing wrong, so didn't change anything. I still feel like a kid now, I haven't developed my social skills since then so struggle just as much now.

 

I don't like parties, or any situation where social interaction is necessary - even visits to my family are painful/quiet, though they aren't that chatty either so that doesn't help. I've been to the odd party or social gathering, and just stood/sat like a lemon the whole time - and at a disco I was pushed into dancing but resisted stubbornly, resulting in various negative comments. I don't dance very well, i find it hard to let go or know what kind of dancing is appropriate. I was offered a sponsored placement at uni, but dreaded the people aspect too much and bottled it - my career path pretty much ended at that point, so I had to move jobs to earn more money. In hindsight I wish I had given uni a go, and have studied through the Open University recently as an attempt to make up for that. I do find it hard to focus and motivate myself for work/studying, especially if I am not that interested in particular tasks/aspects. At work I would spend too much time on things I enjoyed doing, and got into trouble by neglecting things I didn't. Its called hyperfocus when you focus on one thing really intensely, usually at the expense of other things.

 

I too like lists, and use spreadsheets to organise aspects of my life - just been testing out our new heating system, so put together a spreadsheet to work out how much money we might save. I just like to plan, and solve problems in life. To most people I probably come across as being quite sad, but I just can't help myself.

 

So, I would say you should consider going to your GP about a diagnosis, but be prepared to push for this - and provide as much evidence as you can, and take your partner for their input/support. I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist and getting their assessment, rather than just assuming you have AS (though it does seem likely). Make sure you explain your difficulties in detail though, as your positive traits may make it appear you aren't adversely affected - ie. you have a good job, marriage, etc. I had trouble convincing medical professionals that despite my achievements I had always struggled, but I think at last I've made progress.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the reply Tim. Wow, we sound very similar based on what you've said. I used to program on an Amstrad CPC464 when I first started. Like you, I didn't take any computer related studies at school, but used to enjoy playing with things outside school. My degree choice was a little random - marketing! Not a good choice for someone who isn't great at meeting new people. I did enjoy it but not the career path for me. I've since fallen into IT and like you, teach myself different programming languages in different jobs. I too love Excel and utilised it fully when planning my wedding and the arrival of my sons and all the baby items we needed to buy. The beatboxing thing is interesting too - I've always be at boxed too my sons as they seem to like it.

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. It's reassuring to know there are other people who are like me :-) I appreciate the advice on seeking a diagnosis. Well done on your progress so far and all the best for the future.

 

Cheers,

 

Jimmy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Jimmy and welcome to the forum! J

 

Thanks for sharing with us. I appreciate your openness and think you ‘re doing best you can tying to connect with others . It might not be easy for you, but you’ve decided to bite the bullet anyway.

Your list is very well thought through and comprehensive, and , if I’m not mistaken, it must be important for you to understand some principles of connecting and networking. I’m here for the very same reason.

If you don’t mind I’m not going to compare all of your list with mine. There’re some similarities and differences such as my IQ is not that impressive as yours and I had very hard time with trigonometry at school, if you know what I mean. On the other hand I'm fascinated by communication and what people do with words and this became a big part of my life.

 

Talking about my assessment, yes, they did take into account my self-assessment as a starter. I had my 3 sessions with a consultant (2 tests and 3 interviews) but the outcome boiled down to the inconclusive result because of his 3 very trivial observation that he thought contradictory with AS : I’m not scruffy, I’ve got some academic achievements in two cultures ( I’m bicultural) and my hubby doesn’t think that I’m weird.

Kind regards :)

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jimmy - a lot of what you've written sounds familiar.

 

I was also somewhat captivated by computers at a young age. The feeling I used to get was that I was exploring a different sort of world that existed inside the case, and you found out about it by typing commands and browsing code. The first machine I extensively played about with was a BBC Micro, although I fiddled with a Vic 20 before that.

 

Although what I found was that I was a tinkerer but nothing much that I did went anywhere. I can get immersed in the detail of something, but have trouble getting the detail to fit into a whole project with a result. In a way the exploration of detail was its own reward, and I didn't care whether I had a "target". I think this makes actual work a bit difficult because the emphasis is on results rather than detail. I can work as a programmer, but I don't seem capable of working without someone keeping an eye on priorities and deadlines.

 

I can remember the "one friend syndrome" - I could never manage to be with more than one friend at a time when at school. I have lost friends because I couldn't deal with the context of more than one at a time.

 

Social situations can be tolerable for me, but only with less than 5 people. Any larger gatherings mess with my ability to track conversations because of background noise that I can't filter out and too much information flying about. More recently I had a near panic attack when I was at this company meeting in a hotel. In a crowded restaurant with at least a hundred people from various meetings I couldn't cope with the environment and had to get out of it and go somewhere quiet.

 

I used to have endless fun with spoonerisms, but I don't tend to do that any more.

 

 

Well, rather than comment on everything I would say that your experience sounds familiar in many ways, such that I just feel that you must be an Aspie. I'm not an expert but I have been diagnosed and it seems to me that empathy with someone else is a fairly reliable indication.

 

Probably if you get a diagnosis it would be some assistance in explaining your difficulties without feeling bad about being different or "less capable". More recently I have worked at home as much as possible because I believe the office doesn't work for me and just makes me ill periodically. I have got a bit of the confidence to say this to managers etc. because I have some backup. I'm not beating myself up for not being able to handle what neurotypicals can or forcing myself to try and "be normal".

 

Also you need to explain to your partner that you need that relaxation time with the xbox, particularly with trying to cope with two small children, and that work really wears you down. If you don't get that wind-down time you just won't be able to function properly.

 

For me a lack of "special interest time" results in severe depression in the long term. I think everything has to start from you being able to maintain reasonable mental health for your family, and your partner should be able to appreciate that, even if she perhaps feels like she needs more of your time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Jimmy and welcome to the forum! J

 

Thanks for sharing with us. I appreciate your openness and think you ‘re doing best you can tying to connect with others . It might not be easy for you, but you’ve decided to bite the bullet anyway.

Your list is very well thought through and comprehensive, and , if I’m not mistaken, it must be important for you to understand some principles of connecting and networking. I’m here for the very same reason.

If you don’t mind I’m not going to compare all of your list with mine. There’re some similarities and differences such as my IQ is not that impressive as yours and I had very hard time with trigonometry at school, if you know what I mean. On the other hand I'm fascinated by communication and what people do with words and this became a big part of my life.

 

Talking about my assessment, yes, they did take into account my self-assessment as a starter. I had my 3 sessions with a consultant (2 tests and 3 interviews) but the outcome boiled down to the inconclusive result because of his 3 very trivial observation that he thought contradictory with AS : I’m not scruffy, I’ve got some academic achievements in two cultures ( I’m bicultural) and my hubby doesn’t think that I’m weird.

Kind regards :)

 

 

 

Thanks Tanya :-) You're right, I wanted to get people's opinions on my traits and hear about other people's experiences. Not only are my questions being answered, but I feel as though I'm really connecting with others on here which I hadn't expected so early on. It's reassuring to know that others think in a similar way to me. I'm not sure my IQ is as high as you may think. I had problems with maths at school too. I could do basic arithmetic, but certain concepts I just didn't understand - they just didn't 'click'. It's only later in life that I've developed my maths skills and the kind of maths I need for programming I'm much better with now. Similar to you, communication is one of my main interests. This is good in some respects, as I enjoy certain things, such as spoonerisms and clever word play (the thing that springs to mind is The Two Ronnies - "four candles" and "fork handles"). I love stuff like that! But because I find communication so fascinating, I do tend to analyse it an awful lot, which I feel sometimes goes against me. I analyse almost everything that people say to me, more so if it's someone that I don't consider as close to me. Unexpected responses unsettle me, particularly if they're in the form of criticism and I feel I haven't had enough warning. I don't like not fully understanding what someone is saying. I sometimes feel like people are holding back and providing the full context. I'm not very good at reading between the lines and can often miss certain verbal cues.

 

It's reassuring to hear they took your self-assessment into account. Although are you disappointed with the inconclusive result? The three observations are very interesting. I hadn't realised those were key traits. I'm thinking about how I'd be perceived in terms of those observations... I don't shave as often as I should (once a week as I prefer to have stubble). I also let my hair grow quite long sometimes (ok, not like shoulder length or anything - but I leave it longer than most blokes would before I get my hair cut). I have achieved academically, although it was exceptionally hard work at times, particually in terms of the social aspects. I guess some aspects of the work were hard too - I really struggle to start new assignments and often relied on the pressure towards the end to give me the kick up the bum that I needed. Does my wife think I'm wierd? Well, she married me, so I'm hoping not! Although I know she thinks I have 'quirks'.

 

It's probably important to mention at this point that my wife is a teacher and ironically, her specialism is autism. Soon after we got together, she raised the issue of certain traits I had. I think I just shrugged them off at the time. Strangely, I don't vividly remember her raising this with me. I have a vague recollection, but I think I preferred to be ignorant at that point and have since forgotten. I think she accepted the fact that I was happy with the way I was and didn't need to question anything. From that point onwards, I think she maybe thought her questioning me was a little unfair and intentionally tried to convince herself that my traits were just quirks. Despite her working so closely with children with autism over the years, I still didn't really consider myself to be on the spectrum. I often related to some of the behaviours she told me about, but it was usually just a passing thought. She has never raised it with me since, until I talked to her about it recently. She agrees that I do have a lot of traits, but loves me for who I am. I think she feels uncomfortable judging me and possibly finds it difficult to assess my 'needs' in a way that she does with the children she teaches. I guess some people that know us both will judge us and assume that she has suggested I go down the diagnosis route, which is completely untrue. If anything, I think she's a little worried at this stage. I know she'll support me in whatever I decide to do. But I think I need to know more about why I'm questioning myself and exactly what questions I'm hoping to get answered before I can explain to her exactly what I plan to do.

 

Thank you for sharing Tanya.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jimmy - a lot of what you've written sounds familiar.

 

I was also somewhat captivated by computers at a young age. The feeling I used to get was that I was exploring a different sort of world that existed inside the case, and you found out about it by typing commands and browsing code. The first machine I extensively played about with was a BBC Micro, although I fiddled with a Vic 20 before that.

 

Although what I found was that I was a tinkerer but nothing much that I did went anywhere. I can get immersed in the detail of something, but have trouble getting the detail to fit into a whole project with a result. In a way the exploration of detail was its own reward, and I didn't care whether I had a "target". I think this makes actual work a bit difficult because the emphasis is on results rather than detail. I can work as a programmer, but I don't seem capable of working without someone keeping an eye on priorities and deadlines.

 

I can remember the "one friend syndrome" - I could never manage to be with more than one friend at a time when at school. I have lost friends because I couldn't deal with the context of more than one at a time.

 

Social situations can be tolerable for me, but only with less than 5 people. Any larger gatherings mess with my ability to track conversations because of background noise that I can't filter out and too much information flying about. More recently I had a near panic attack when I was at this company meeting in a hotel. In a crowded restaurant with at least a hundred people from various meetings I couldn't cope with the environment and had to get out of it and go somewhere quiet.

 

I used to have endless fun with spoonerisms, but I don't tend to do that any more.

 

 

Well, rather than comment on everything I would say that your experience sounds familiar in many ways, such that I just feel that you must be an Aspie. I'm not an expert but I have been diagnosed and it seems to me that empathy with someone else is a fairly reliable indication.

 

Probably if you get a diagnosis it would be some assistance in explaining your difficulties without feeling bad about being different or "less capable". More recently I have worked at home as much as possible because I believe the office doesn't work for me and just makes me ill periodically. I have got a bit of the confidence to say this to managers etc. because I have some backup. I'm not beating myself up for not being able to handle what neurotypicals can or forcing myself to try and "be normal".

 

Also you need to explain to your partner that you need that relaxation time with the xbox, particularly with trying to cope with two small children, and that work really wears you down. If you don't get that wind-down time you just won't be able to function properly.

 

For me a lack of "special interest time" results in severe depression in the long term. I think everything has to start from you being able to maintain reasonable mental health for your family, and your partner should be able to appreciate that, even if she perhaps feels like she needs more of your time.

 

Hi Scumble, thanks for the reply.

 

Your view on “special interest time” seems like very good advice. As a teenager, I always used to play PC games, so I never had the need for a games console. When I reached early adulthood, I replaced playing games with tinkering with PCs and building websites. In the meantime, I grew up a bit and settled down. I realised that games had moved along with technology and I found myself wanting to start playing this new generation of games. I convinced my wife that I needed a games console to help me unwind – this was a few years back when we were undergoing IVF treatment and our lives were exceptionally pressured. At this point, I didn’t realise quite how important this time was in terms of coping with the stress.

 

Before my sons were born, I’d play on my Xbox several evenings a week and a lot of time at weekends. Then after my sons were born, I found that I just did not have the time to play on my Xbox. I’ve literally been on it 4 or 5 times in the last 15 months. Having 15 month old boys is very difficult – I hadn’t realised how much spare time I had before they were born. My daily routine runs from 6am when my alarm goes off until 20:30 – 21:00, with very little respite in between. This includes weekends, which are often busier as we actively try and do as much as we can as a family. Any spare time at the weekend is spent on doing the housework. So my ‘spare’ time is anything from 21:00 until I need to go to bed. These continually long days usually result in me feeling exceptionally tired. I seem to suffer severe fatigue (which seems to be cyclical), where I just want to sleep on the sofa once I’ve eaten my dinner. During the less tired phases I go through, I spend my time doing chores that form part of everyday family life, such as washing up, ironing or making the following day’s packed lunches. Or alternatively, I work on a massively backlogged list of semi-important things that need doing (arguably more important than playing computer games in the eyes of most people no doubt). Being a teacher, primarily in an SEN environment, means my wife has to spend a lot of time planning and making resources, so we’re always both exceptionally busy. There just literally aren’t enough hours in the day. I could take a massive risk and stay up late to play on my Xbox – but if one of my sons wakes up during the night and doesn’t settle again, I worry that I’ll be exceptionally tired the following day. I wish I could afford to pay a cleaner – that would lessen some of the load. But alas, due to the cost of childcare and increased everyday expenses of having a family, this is not a luxury that we can afford.

 

So I think my massively busy lifestyle and my response to it is one of the main triggers for trying to seek answers. My wife did suggest that I play on my Xbox on Friday evening, but I’m currently going through one of those very tired phases (a lot of which I think it’s probably due to me focussing on my behaviour a bit more due to the steps I’m taking to get some answers) so I fell asleep on the sofa. However, I will talk to my wife this evening and we can work at the massive challenge re-prioritising certain things, which will inevitably involve lists and / or a spreadsheet ;-)

 

Cheers,

 

Jimmy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you have really small kids the drain can be quite serious. I find that post-toddler age is much more manageable. I recall being very tired when the boys were small. I *really* don't miss the small baby phase! I think fatigue is more of a problem for those on the spectrum because we have sensory processing demands due to not being able to filter sound or visual stimulus. I don't know if you have noticed how certain environments can tire you out. I have discovered that working in an office eventually results in me being ill, and previously I just didn't realise how much it was taking out of me.

 

Remember though, you clearly have a supportive wife, which was not something I ever had.

 

Something that has helped me a little is picking up on minimalism - I started reading this blog called zen habits many years ago, and the strategy of stripping away things that aren't important makes quite a bit of sense to a person who can't handle too many things at once. I suppose you have to consider if your mental health is more important than the ironing. http://zenhabits.net/

 

For me it isn't computer games that help so much, it is doing something musical, either picking up the guitar or composing something on the computer. It has been difficult to do this with pressures of work and the children, but I know if I let it slip too much my mental health will suffer. Saying that, I really should pick up the guitar and at at least play a few scales...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jimmy,

 

I’m glad that you can learn from my experience, but there’re no any guaranty that your assessment would be similar to mine.

I thought my assessor wasn't very good at understanding/reading a family dynamics. As a linguist familiar with Anglo anthropological research, I know, that for example, labelling me, his spouse, as “weird”, my hubby would lose his face too. This word is highly evaluative, packed with negative connotations. It might be unnatural for my man to admit such thing, my hubby is very competitive+protective after all.

 

It wasn’t clever or fair asking him such a question. The right question would be “Does your wife understand your humour?” ( assuming of cause that he’s got it!)The obvious answer would be NOT because it has imprinted in his brain and he complains about it a lot. Now, not having “a sense of humour” in Anglo culture is definitely WEIRD! A bit of lateral thinking could clear semantic ambiguity.

 

Talking about a spoken language, we’ve got to think wider about Anglo cultural inheritance . The phenomena you’re talking about is culture specific. In this culture people use indirect, implicit language more than in mine, but it has nothing to do with an attachment to ambiguity of say disrespect, or even fairness for that matter. Wierzbicka, a Prof of linguistics, explained this with references to the Anglo cultural script of “ personal autonomy” . Many people think like this ( I quote a short version )

No one can say to another person about anything:

“ you have to think like this about it because I want you to think like this about it”

Wierzbicka ( 2010) English Meaning and Culture

 

What we’re dealing with ( and I accent, that it’s only one of many linguistic models!) is people’s collective interpretation of the tacit cultural rules of social behaviour. Now, take my Russian culture. It can’t be more different than Anglo! There would be dozens of people telling you every day what they think about YOU, literally, and how you SHOULD/SHOULDN'T do YOUR stuff. In Anglo culture this practice would be considered as a violation of personal autonomy. Thus we've got lots of lexical hedging, suggesting which function is requesting , coulda/shoulda/whoulda expressions - a wide arsenal of indirect language.

I can suggest to try reading Kate Fox’s Watching English. She’s a modern English anthropologist and her book is easy to read , it’s a non-academic book with focus of hidden rules of social behaviour .

Edited by Tanya52

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...