I'm new - Eeek!

[RedGobbo]

Hello all

 

I've been reading the forums for a while but up until now haven't posted anything. I figured it was time I made the leap and introduced myself. I'm a 39 year old man, single, I don't know if I have AS or not for sure but it seems pretty likely, I'm currently receiving CBT for anxiety and they plan to refer me so I'll know for sure soon enough I guess. My (now ex) girlfriend was pretty convinced of it though.

 

I've read a lot of the posts on here and I can say already that at least I'm not the only one that feels and acts the way I do.

 

My work life is pretty good, I manage to keep it together pretty well, I'm a data analyst, I'm good with numbers, computers, programming languages, data, I guess that's my thing. It's only a struggle when I have to give presentations, I still find that pretty scary. Anyway I suppose at work, I'm just thought of as "blunt", but work is easier somehow - I know the rules that everyone operates within, there's a purpose, it's easy to work out people's intentions.

My home life on the hand isn't so good. Like I've read from many others on here, I have many acquaintances, but I don't know that I'd call them friends, and they're all contained in boxes, I have badminton friends, computer friends, work friends and I only see those groups of people within the confines of those boxes if that makes any sense?... none of them are drop in for a cup of tea friends...

 

I'm not sure if that's because of the way I am or just that on some level I don't want them to be?

 

Anyway, I've read through this about 50 times now so I'm just going to click the button. So, again hi.

[Tanya52]

Hi RedGobbo!

 

Welcome aboard, nice meeting you. I can relate to how you feel, thanks for sharing. I guess your home life is not so good because you currently haven't got that one special person in it ?

 

In any case, you've done well with your professional career , seem as put lots of effort and your stamina in it.

 

Of cause you'd prefer some human affection and attachment in your life, please show me who wouldn't? It's just might be that you're a bit scared or bruised, unsure that you can't reach people.

 

stay in touch

Edited October 20, 2013 by Tanya52

[scumble]

It takes me ages to express something that shouldn't take me very long, so I know what you mean about reading things 50 times.

 

I don't have more than a few acquaintances. I have "people I know" but the friendship element is very elusive to me such that I keep revisiting what I think friends actually are. The fact that I don't have an answer shows there is no intuitive grasp of friendship.

 

Clearly you don't have as prominent a social problem as me, but it sounds like you are also struggling with the concept on some level.

[RedGobbo]

Hi RedGobbo!

 

Welcome aboard, nice meeting you. I can relate to how you feel, thanks for sharing. I guess your home life is not so good because you currently haven't got that one special person in it ?

 

In any case, you've done well with your professional career , seem as put lots of effort and your stamina in it.

 

Of cause you'd prefer some human affection and attachment in your life, please show me who wouldn't? It's just might be that you're a bit scared or bruised, unsure that you can't reach people.

 

stay in touch

 

Hi Tanya

 

Thanks for replying, sure, I'm hurting because the break up was still (fairly) recent but tbh, I don't know that I want someone special in my life again, I think I need to fix my social life first so I don't feel like "that weirdo with no friends" you know? I just don't know how to do that and the trouble is honestly, if I had a busy social life, I think I would find it exhausting!

 

I think for now, I'll stick around on here and see what shakes loose

 

It takes me ages to express something that shouldn't take me very long, so I know what you mean about reading things 50 times.

 

I don't have more than a few acquaintances. I have "people I know" but the friendship element is very elusive to me such that I keep revisiting what I think friends actually are. The fact that I don't have an answer shows there is no intuitive grasp of friendship.

 

Clearly you don't have as prominent a social problem as me, but it sounds like you are also struggling with the concept on some level.

 

Hi Scumble

 

I gotta say I find it odd for someone to look up to my social life! - I've been on holiday from work this week and have left the house a total of twice! - Once to go to Tesco's and once to have lunch with some work friends, which I guess is the "good social" bit. Thing is it's back to the box thing - work friends, we go out to lunch once a week which is "within the parameters" of that specific relationship, it's a weekly thing, but I'd never dream of phoning them outside of those parameters or just dropping in for a chat - it would just be too weird and uncomfortable for me.

 

Anyway, if you don't even have that, then I feel for you which is odd in itself because I really don't do empathy - I guess I can manage it here this because I actually can relate.

 

Anyway... I'm really looking for something deep and meaningful here but to be honest - I got nothing

[scumble]

You should probably give it a bit longer. It took me a long time to figure out that autism actually explains my life, it didn't make much sense at all before. Initially I couldn't see it.

 

Well everything is relative. You appeared to say you had work "friends" and badminton "friends". That's quite a lot more than I could say. I have one friend that I interact with mostly via IM chat. For me I would stretch to friend there because he is the only person I have met who wants to keep in contact just because I'm me. The only other "friend" I had recently only contacted me because he wanted something. I don't have friends at work really. Rarely anyone who would bother to try and catch up with me in a deliberate fashion. This isn't meant to mean I don't think highly of my colleagues, or like some of them quite a lot. I just seem to be on a different frequency.

 

So when you refer to "work friends" is this just a number of people you have got into the habit of going to lunch with, or is there some commonality there. Do you just talk about work? Are you happy with your interactions with people or do you just do it because it appears to be the thing to do?

 

I don't think we lack empathy, I think there is just very little with typical people. If you can't share an experience of life it is very difficult to guess at the feelings of another person. Another thing is possibly that I can't compare emotional states because in detail I don't see the similarity. Also it doesn't help if you don't know what a particular emotion is. I think this is where I often miss the meaning of what people are saying, as I just don't have a reaction to certain things.

[RedGobbo]

Hmm, I guess it all depends on your definition of the word friend or indeed what you think a friend should be. For me a friend is someone who you get in touch with at random times and do something together. I certainly have no-one like that. I guess I did when I had a girlfriend but that always ends because she doesn't get why I don't introduce her to my friends.

 

But to answer your question, my interactions with these people are relatively "normal" I guess, and mostly I enjoy them sure. While I don't solely talk about work with my work friends that is the bulk of the conversation but I think that's pretty normal, it's the primary thing we have in common after all.

 

Joining a badminton club was a bit of a master stroke for me, it gets me out of the house, I get some easy social interaction and by easy I mean, most of it is spent playing badminton, there's a bit of banter in between but nothing too tiring, if I go and sit by myself, no-one really takes much notice... I think... hey, who knows what people actually think of me?

[Tanya52]

Hi RedGobbo,

 

I understood literally your words about your home life is being “not very good” . It’s easy to misinterpret because “home life” is connotating with the partnership, “social life” with social networking, including friendship. But in fact, in your next sentence you were sorting your social encounters in a few “boxes”. It makes sense to me as I too try to control my relationships to a certain extend. It’s my believe that many of us are doing so in order to compensate . This is not my point.

 

My point is, it doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a friend or a partner, the more intimate relationship are based on the give & take of some sensitive information, copying with and processing new emotions .

 

I’ve got a few girlfriends to whom I deeply care, adore and very affectionate about. None of them are perfect, neither am I. I like/accept them just as they are. They know it because I invested some time and effort to win them. I’d go to them for their moral support when I need it and would give them all my loyalty and affection when life throws bad things at them. It’s my definition/comprehension of women’s friendship.

 

I don’t know how men “do friendship”, I’m not a man. I thought you are better placed to give me your personal perspective.

 

 

 

 

[scumble]

I don't know what you think about this Tanya, but I tend to be drawn to women because they seem to be better at managing relationships, or perhaps being emotionally supportive. I don't tend to understand how male friendships work in general, partly because I've rarely had experience of it and also because they way typical men behave doesn't interest me.

 

However I think there is some other dynamic with male/female relationships that I am missing. I suppose it's because my attempts in this regard seem to have been one-directional. I might be able to ask something of a woman I trust, meaning that there might have been two or three that I have met that I would ask for their thoughts on something, but I have never had anything happen in the other direction. It's not that they won't talk to me, but I've not had a woman actually go out of their way to show interest in me in a friendly way. I'm being careful to keep elements of attraction out of it.

 

Given what I've just said, I could say the same about men in my experience, but I have rarely been able to confide in a man, and half the time it has just been because it's their job - line manager etc.

 

This tends to leave me with the impression that I don't have anything to offer others as a person, even if I may have valuable skills from a work perspective.

[Tanya52]

Hi,

I myself know pressious little about men’s friendship. There’s a bit of empirical research on gender topic which I came across, if I’m not mistaken, published by Deborah Tannen, the American linguist.

 

It’s relatively straightforward : women do collaborate and support in a mixed gender group, while men do compete between themselves and women. It also explains my shock to my hubby’s sardonic remarks when I “do gender” been supportive, cos all that he wants me to do is a salient agreement = to shut up and listen.

 

He : “Why would you always say something to everything I’ve just said?”

I: “ Sorry, I thought you’re making your point and wonted to support you!”

He: “Well, don’t !”

 

It’s fascinating.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Tanya52

[RedGobbo]

LOL - The classic male seeking a solution to a problem over a female looking for sympathy for it. Ok, I'm stereo-typing but yeah generally if I share a problem, it's because I want an answer - I don't want to hear "ooh yeah, that's quite a pickle, I feel for you" - that really doesn't help me.

 

And yeah I find it amusing, men and women are different, and I don't just mean physically, I mean mentally they're different, men don't support each other, they, as you say "compete" with one another but we label it "banter" so that it's ok.

 

Until very recently (actually only when I started my therapy), I never gave other people a second thought, I always assumed the rest of the planet was populated by self-assured confident individuals and I was the odd one out. My therapist is probably one of the most neurotic shy people I've ever met but she overcomes it to do her job, but she still feels it.

 

Anyway I'm getting off-topic, yes you're right, I'm not looking for another girlfriend, I'm really not. Sure I'm lonely but I need to... I don't know - understand myself before I can explain myself to someone else". I suppose I'm looking for a friend, a close friend and yes that isn't that different from the relationship with a partner in that you risk having your emotions hurt. And I'm quite "defensive" as it is.

 

And Scumble, I understand what you mean about women over men, they just seem "easier" somehow I don't know. I've lost more friends than I've made, somehow. It all started to go wrong for me when I left school. School was so easy, everyone was together all bound by the same "rules", I didn't have loads of friends back then, I rarely got invited to parties and that but I had "enough" friends, I had enough social interaction I suppose. Although even then I just felt like something was wrong, I didn't quite fit properly, like everyone was having a better time than me somehow. But when I left school, I got a job in a factory and I met some new people and I still felt out of place like they didn't really want me there. I then I got into drugs heavily, and while I was high, I thought I'd found where I was suppose to fit, I didn't of course, it was all an illusion and then for reasons I won't go into now, I quit all that. And broke off contact with everyone I'd met. I've met people since then, typically from work but I still always feel like I'm intruding, like I shouldn't be there.

 

Anyway, I've babbled now, I don't know how much sense I'm making, I feel like I'm preaching from my soap box so I apologise for that, I'm not sleeping well. Sorry.

 

I will say this though, absolutely you have something to offer. Obviously I don't know you well enough to say off-handedly what that is in any kind of useful detail but I'm sure you do.

 

So look what's happened there, I've done the female thing - I've sympathised with your problem without providing any real tangible solution - now honestly, does that really help you?

 

(ok, stop typing - go to sleep)

[Shnoing]

... So look what's happened there, I've done the female thing - I've sympathised with your problem without providing any real tangible solution - now honestly, does that really help you? ...

In theory, just listening and sympathising helps the person with the problem finding the solution which his/her subconsciousness already knows.

I've tried that several times by now (after being made aware of that theory), and it did work: the problem sort of got dissolved just by talking about it - without "real" input from the listeners.

[Aura Todd]

Hi I play Badminton, bit of a racket isn't it har har! I don't have come to tea friends, but I have social friends. I went to a ladies indulgence evening yesterday and saw two women who used to call me names at school because I was the 'quiet one'. Stupidly they still glare at me which I ignore because they are a couple of idiots who haven't learnt to grow up. Last night I gave somethng to the Tressel trust which gives food to the homeless, I can gaurantee those two idiot women didn't and only came for the food!

 

Try spraying lavandar on your pillow before you go to bed and see if that helps.

[brooke10]

Hey there just wanted to say that I know where you're coming from!

 

Done well in my career and am considered as quite abrupt and feisty at work. However, it does actually help me in what I'm doing!

 

Hate meetings especially group ones and presentations but I guess like you were saying a lot of people have simliar feelings - I guess we have more extreme feelings and difficulties in situations.

 

I love my work because it is straight forward and I know what is expected of me and there's a lot of office banter that is not too heavy to break it all up. I loved school also because of the rules and being involved in so many sports clubs helped me acquire friends.

 

I have difficulty with friends now especially women friends as I am easily used and get really stressed with the politics which goes on amongst girls. I would say that I have 1 pop round for a tea friend (more like glass of wine though!) who is male. He understands me and doesn't judge me and has similar values. With women I seem to have fallen into friendships which are no good for me - involving jealousy from their side (something which I just don't get - if you want something go and get it through working hard, changing things, some effort?!) and them putting me down to make themselves feel good. I struggle with relationships because they are not straightforward and I need my space!

 

Anyway, thanks for your post, great to hear about people of a similar age experiencing a similar world!!