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buck32tom

Daughter with Aspergers?

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I'm not sure if I'm in the right place or doing the right thing - My daughter is 13 and as she is maturing I'm starting to realise that there is possibly more to her personality than being a painfully shy tom boy!

From an early age she has found it very difficult to handle social situations and has had very few friends. The more I have heard about aspergers in girls, the more I realise that she demonstrates a number of the traits associated with this condition. Unfortunately, the older she gets the harder it is for me to no how to deal with it.

In summary.....

Lack of social skills - can come across rude by not being able to communicate with other people (both adults and other children)

No interest in making firends (as she gets older she has said that she doesn't like to have to do what she doesn't want to do so it's easier to be on her own)

Sensitivity to noise - this has been apparent since a baby!

Prefers the company of boys

No interest in appearance - 'I wear clothes that feel comfortable' (hasn't worn girls clothes since the age of 3)

Is very pedantic

Takes comments literally

Hates change to routine (can get very distressed)

The one thing that makes me question my concerns is that at school (in lessons) she behaves in a totally different manner. Throughout her primary school and earlier secondary school they did confirm that she had security issues and was very quiet, but was extremely well behaved and eager to learn. Me and my husband have always been amazed by the glowing reports she has received from school as she is a very different child at home!

I have mentioned my concerns to the GP who has said unless she wants to be referred herself theres not a lot I can do other than speak to the school. This is where my problem lies - she gets quite upset and concerned when I say I think we need to talk to someone about her behaviour etc. She doesn't demonstrate a lot of the traits we experience at home in the school envrionment (so I think they may think I'm a bit mad!).

I did manage to get her to complete an online 'test' - her score was 35.

I know there is no 'cure' however I really would like to get a definitive answer rather than a self diagnosis but not sure where to go from here.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

 

 

 

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Hello there,

 

My name is Gareth.

 

I am twenty-nine and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) at the age of seven.

 

From the experiences of your daughter's activity that you have summarised, I am sure beyond all reasonable doubt that your daughter is autistic. I cannot say with any certainty, however, that she actually has AS. Her condition could, on the other hand, be Higher Functioning Autism (HFA). As far as the issue of your daughter's being completely different at school, receiving excellent reports, it could be that one of her irresistable obsessions, as a key characteristic of the lower end of the autistic spectrum, is taking a very meek and sensible attitude, thus applying strict moral principles to practice. I do remember that I took a very tight approach to my own behavioural patterns in certain contexts at certain times, as a child and youth. For example, when we went out to places like country fairs for the day, as a family (I have a sister 2½ years my senior), I insisted that each and every one of us took a clearly serious attitude and did not start making jokes or giggling etc, taking tones that were quite heavily stilted and insisting on formalities. I use to take an attitude of saying things like "Today, we must do this and tomorrow, we must do that!" and "This can be done only in here and that can be done only in there!" and if anybody defied these so-called standards of mine, I got really freaked out and tearful and adamantly perceived that I had reached the end of the line. Do you know: I have not thought so much about it until this exchange between us. It is interesting what new alerts can enable me to remember sometimes.

 

Personally, I believe in formal diagnoses through formal psychiatric assessments, rather than self-diagnoses. It may be a good idea for you to tell your or your daughter's GP that you, as just 'her parents' and nobody else, would like her to be referred for a formal assessment and, potentially, a formal diagnosis. Since you are her parents and she is 13, thus having more growing up to come, you obviously hold the freedom of placing certain decisions entirely in your hands. You could always tell your daughter very kindly that you would like to sit down and talk to her for a while and thus take an opportunity to pass her a full and firm reassurance that you will do everything you can to ensure that the health professionals concerned will take a nice, soft and gentle attitude towards her and that her true needs and emotions will be taken into account. You see, it was a clinical psychiatrist who formally diagnosed me with AS at the age of seven. I remember my appointments with him and those with his colleague always went really well and did not cause me distress or timidity. I am sure there will be a solution of some kind to the problems you have encountered from trying to reason with your daughter over meeting health professionals. Whatever happens, or whenever so, I just want you to remember that you have always got me there for you, keeping an insistently benevolent eye on you. From my experiences with my own family, I can fully understand just what kinds and degrees of support you truly need in addressing the highly complex and unfamiliar needs of your daughter.

 

You are more than welcome to contact me (by private message, if you prefer it) whenever it may suit you. You can use whatever kind(s) of language you happen to feel comfortable with.

 

Kind regards,

Gareth.

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Hi Buck32tom,

 

I, personally, would be extremely cautious about trying to dx anyone based on a list of symptoms.

 

You say that your daughter's behaviour is very different at home than at school; what kinds of behaviours at home are a problem? Have the school talked about any worries they might have regarding her social skills and does she have friends at school or does she spend the day alone? You mention that your daughter is coming across rude because she doesn't know how to talk to people; have the school ever raised concerns about rudeness? Could it be that she is behaving badly at home because she knows that she is able to get away with it and that she cannot at school? In my experience, people with AS cannot just turn on and off their traits at will, although I do know that some people feel that their child holds in their stresses whilst at school to then 'release' at home, where they feel free to do so.

 

I don't see any harm in discussing your concerns with your GP or the school to see what their opinions might be but I can understand that, at 13, your daughter might not welcome this.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

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Sounds like me when I was that age! I've just been recently diagnosed at the age of 36 and it would have helped me and my parents had I got a diagnosis earlier.

 

My Mum said to the psychairtrist that she no longer felt sad knowing that there was a reason for my difficulties.

 

Maybe it'd help your daughter to think of a diagnosis as a positive thing... It is like being left handed...we just think a bit differently and we have to adapt to "normal" people while they should accept our differences and adapt to us a bit too!

 

I feel that the diagnosis helped me understand myself better and really stop beating myself up about things as much.

 

Hope that helps x

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OMG. I just looked up this site yesterday as have increasing concerns over 13 year old daughter and the first post I read was yours. You just described my daughter exactly - I think I am in the right place. Would love to talk more.

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OMG. I just looked up this site yesterday as have increasing concerns over 13 year old daughter and the first post I read was yours. You just described my daughter exactly - I think I am in the right place. Would love to talk more.

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