Hello, 34yr old brother with Aspergers symptoms... :/

[Loops25]

Hi there

 

I am 32yrs old, the youngest. I am pretty sure my brother has Aspergers, though I have not had the bottle to suggest this to him yet.

 

Things are getting worse, so I needed to join this forum to hopefully get some advice.

 

This is so hard to explain, I don't even know where to start

 

 

He struggled through school, had few friends, had a great sense of humor but a horrible temper. He was/is brilliant with electricals, he was always taking things apart and putting them back together again. Tv's, remote control cars, remote planes etc. This is still a major hobby of his.

 

He has had probably 40 jobs since leaving school, mostly factory, temp jobs, he will get bullied or sacked. I got him a job once where I work, so i got to see why he cannot keep a job. If you ask him to do something, he quickly gets distracted by something else, he was always breaking things, he tried welding and I was told he was trying to start little fires on the welding bench. He would stare at people, or talk to them for a long time, and not be interested in anything anyone spoke about, he would come to me and tell me how he was being picked on by my friends, (which i know is untrue, because he accuses me, my sister, mom and dad of the same)

He comes across very arrogant to people, overly confident, if anyone says anything negative he would get very aggressive.

 

He is always getting into debt, my parents have paid so much in the worry he will get evicted from his flat, they are 73yrs old and cannot have him move back in with them, because he is terrible to live with (I know that sounds nasty but its true)

 

Heres some of my brothers symptoms

• His social skills are very awkward, he talks non stop about how things work,
• uses long words and phrases,
• asks inappropriate questions,
• his mind is permanently racing with thoughts - you can see him thinking intensely
• he is very slobbish in his ways, messy
• Paranoia
• If I cry to him, he has no emotion
• No friends
• Eye contact is avoided, if I look into his eyes too much, he will frown at me, and ask what is wrong
• He is very affectionate (at times) likes to cuddle his mom, like child like
• Moods vary massively
• Uses very long complex words, talks to me like I am a child, gets annoyed if I look like I am not taking in what he is saying
• Monotone voice , but not always
• Cannot sit still
• When family are together, he will sit there silent
• If we take him out for a meal, he will sit frowning, looking around at others, he looks paranoid
• He will often call me a few hours after seeing him, asking "What did you mean when you said that, are you making fun of me, I am a very handsome, clever man, I won't have people bullying me"
• Doesn't understand when a joke his told, will look at us blankly
• Talks about himself all the time
• Does not appreciate all the money we give him, I spent £50 last week on gas and electric for him, 2hrs later, had a text accusing me of stealing money from him
• No manners
• He sometimes is inappropriate towards me, via texts, eg, calls me sexy, babe etc.
• very sensitive

 

I could go on, I cannot think of everything at the moment because it all really upsets me, my mom is terrified about what will happen when she is not around, he will of course have me, but what if he loses his flat etc:(

 

I love my brother, so please don't think I am impatient and not understand, I have read alot about this, I am always there when he needs me.

 

I woke up a few days ago to 16 messages on whatsapp, here's a few things he wrote....

 

 

"I love you sister, however, I would advise you not talking to me like a child, adolescent, teenager, Confident I would prefer, ...

also I know that the general condense for the female alliance is...Is to make lads feel like infidels or underlings"

 

That above was following me being on the phone to him for an hour, because he was crying to me, saying he didn't want to feel like this anymore, and I was comforting him, saying everything would be ok, and that I was there for him always.

 

He reads in depth on Wiki about drugs, and will take them. He says he is/was taking stimulants ans steroids as he is heavily into building his body.

 

 

Thank you, this is really upsetting, I hope I can get some help for him x

[trekster]

Hello

 

Unsure if you are aware but this is a UK based forum. However we allow all nationalities to join us. For me the foods I was eating were amplifying quite a number of the behaviours you mentioned. Without those foods (also non foodstuffs) I am able to be more in control of my autism rather than my autism be in control of me.

 

Sounds to me like he realises that he's different from others but is unsure why. Have you managed to get a diagnosis and some family support for your brother?

I also have siblings who I manage to look out for whenever I can, we still fall out but a lot less than before I went off gluten, dairy, soya, benzoates, aspartame and MSG.

I know this sounds strange but I can now feel pain in a conventional way. Also the effects of this intervention take some time to work and can cause you to feel worse before you feel better. There is some literature about sensory issues and how they influence health and peoples behaviour, they might be able to help.

[Loops25]

Hello

 

I am from the UK, near Birmingham, Midlands.

 

Things have got worse, he was threatening my mom over the phone midnight last night, saying she should be careful if he see's her out and why doesn't she take an overdose.

 

I really don't know where to turn here

[nippy sweetie]

Hi, sounds like there`s quite a lot going on here. Potentially ASD but also possibly ADHD in adult form. Also these drugs he`s experimenting with are potentially a problem. Steroid misuse for body building can lead to paranoia, aggression and certainly increase his agitation levels. Maybe this is behind his recent more worrying comments to your Mum.

Sometimes direct communication in writing is useful rather than long emotional conversations where he might be picking things up a bit wrong due to being distracted by all the non verbals conveyed by tone of voice etc. Hence rumination after the event as he thinks or overthinks what he thinks you said (but you probably didnt if you see what I mean) Maybe a written letter listing your concerns. No use of emotional language just straight info re your concerns: his behaviours vs potential risks. More positively you could add actions he could take to reduce these these risks. You could talk to his GP. S/he wont be able to tell you anything about your brother but they should listen to your information regarding him. Have you broached the possibility of AS with your brother?

Edited January 16, 2014 by nippy sweetie

[uklad]

The steroid part is enough to warrent seeking help by itself, those are terribly dangerous, once that is out of the equation they can properly establish if there is other elements at play

 

I'm new here myself but just wanted to say your brother is very fortunate to have someone like you that wants to look out for him and I hope if help is required he finds it

 

You are doing the right thing to talk about it, burying stuff just makes the problem worse I found this out the hard way

 

Best of luck

Edited January 16, 2014 by uklad

[positive_about]

Hi loops, welcome to the forum

 

It does sound like he has Asperger's, it would be a good idea to suggest him to it - and give some examples of why you think he has, and that some of the things he says/does are inappropriate or hurtful. There is a great charity in the West Midlands area, Autism West Midlands, they have a good website and helpline - If he is struggling at home he may need outreach support, or supported housing, as autistic people can struggle with money and looking after themselves, etc.. His use of steroids and potentially other medication is not good, and may be a sign of trying to distract or overcompensate for problems in his life - or he may be suffering with mental health problems. Let him know your concerns, and that you want to help him. It may take him time to accept he has difficulties, and needs help, but start with small steps.

 

Keep positive.

[Loops25]

I have booked a telephone appointment with my dr, I know he can't tell me anything about my brother, but I need to get this logged somewhere and I will see what he has to say.

 

I know he stopped taking the steroids because he has gone much smaller, at one point he looked huge, his pupils would be dilated, sweating, figity etc.

 

He will mess with stimulants he said too, trouble is he tends to lie alot, so I never know exactly what he is taking.

 

Does anyone claim any benefits on here, I really want to get him some financial help before he loses his home

 

Apparently my mom just told me, he was talking about me to her, saying there is nothing wrong with him, and she stuck up for me, which is why he's gone off on one.

 

Thanks for the replies, writing it down for him is a good idea, I might do that over the weekend, try and get my sister to meet with us, because I am afraid he might hit out at me x

[positive_about]

There probably will be a lot of resistance, but If he gets violent or deteriorates further then you may have to consider getting him sectioned - he may probably will need help and/or medication to control his behaviour, etc.. Hopefully it won't come to that, but as he is an adult then its difficult to get help if he isn't willing to seek it himself. Discuss his behaviour and your concerns with your GP, especially about what he may be taking.

 

With to respect to benefits, it may be a good idea to talk to the Welfare Office at your local council - they are there to help people claim what they are entitled to. He may not be capable of applying for benefits by himself, I don't know if/how you can claim on someone elses behalf, you probably need to prove he is not capable.

[trekster]

A disability is neither a positive nor a negative thing so "theres nothing wrong with me" is actually true. Being aspergers/autistic isn't wrong it's just a part of him he cant accept. Getting benefits for yourself eg carers allowance or carers credit or even attendance allowance or constant attendance allowance for your parents could be of benefit to your family. Also mention to your GP about him threatening to take his own life, your GP may be able to intervene.

 

When I have the pushing away behaviours you're describing as seeing in your brother it's due to feeling pressured, being in pain or having quite a number of things I cant explain to others going wrong. They happen less with the gf/cf/sf lifestyle I have but im currently trying to work out which foods are affecting me.

[Loops25]

The benefits wouldn't be for me as a carer, I work full time and my parents are 73yrs old and retired.

 

My brother wasn't saying he would take his own life, he was saying my mom should

 

I know there isn't anything "wrong" with him, it was just a figure of speech, he is not well at the moment, believe me I know that or after the things he ha said and done to us, I would have turned my back on him a long time ago.

 

I am his sister and I love him x

[oxgirl]

Hi Loops25 and welcome to the forum. Sorry that you are having such a worrying time with your brother, it certainly sounds concerning and he obviously needs some help. Has he ever had any contact with Social Services or mental health services? Do you think he would accept the idea of help from his GP or is he resistant to the idea? Maybe you and your sister could write the letter together and make it from both of you. You could even put it through his door to look at when he is ready and explain that you are worried about his violent reaction rather than confronting him in person when he might not be ready to hear it? You could say that you'll meet up with him after he has had some time to digest what you have said in the letter to discuss it with him but will only discuss it if he remains calm. Does he accept that his behaviour can be worrying and frightening for you and the rest of your family?

 

I hope that you can get some help for him. It must be an awful strain upon yourself and your parents.

 

~ Mel ~

[smileyK]

I agree with statements made especially nippie sweetie I have just recently been officially assessed and diagnosed with Adult ADHD (inattentive , Hyperactive combined type) with what you have described about your brother of him not being able sit still , racing thoughts sounds like possible ,likelyhood of present adult ADHD ,your brother sounds like he got mental health issues outstanding ? drug abuse common in unresolved conditions such as ASD /ADHD and mental health issues he probably using drugs to 'escape' his issues but actually making his issues expand the other issues you have listed sound ASD personally! sounds like whatever way this is going in ,direction wise sounds like you need REAL advice and help have you tried MIND (mental health charity)

 

XKLX

[trekster]

The benefits wouldn't be for me as a carer, I work full time and my parents are 73yrs old and retired.

 

My brother wasn't saying he would take his own life, he was saying my mom should

 

I know there isn't anything "wrong" with him, it was just a figure of speech, he is not well at the moment, believe me I know that or after the things he ha said and done to us, I would have turned my back on him a long time ago.

 

I am his sister and I love him x

 

 

Can they claim attendance allowance so someone can look after them giving you more energies to devote to your brother? This is an autistic forum so please allow people to have their autism. I have always objected to a disability being a negative thing, disability can affect people in a negative way but that's doesn't mean being disabled or having a disability is a negative thing.

 

With all due respect both of my parents have used their autism to try and bully me out of mine. I know what it can be like to live with an autistic bully or witness their bullying. Parents and relatives aren't aware that someone can be assessed even without their permission for help. Certain foodstuffs or meds cause similar behaviours in me as they do in your brother. ive had 3 breakdowns in my life as a result with trying to get help for me and my family.

 

I understand you still love him and wish to help him but what about taking care of yourself 1st? I had to give up caring for my deaf, blind, frail gran because my EDS became so painful lately. My bullying mother and bullying aunt resented me for doing so. Whenever gran falls over and im not there they blame me, whenever gran needs help with something im expected to do it. My gran now gets a carer to help her instead. Your parents could register as your brothers carers even though they are unable to help him.

 

I hope autism west midlands or the NAS local branch can help you. I realise how impossible the situation is as someone whose been on the receiving end of trying to keep my mother from picking on our family at times.