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styks

Hello everyone, new Aspie here.

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Hi guys an gals.

I've recently been diagnosed with Aspergers/ASD.

Since I was a child/young adult I felt very different to all the lads at school, socially I was always on the perifery, sat in the corner at disco's until alcohol

Made me comfortable enough to move into the crowd. My childhood was very difficullt.

I went about in my fantasy world where I imagined myself a robot, detached, logical and no emotion. When I mentioned this to the Clinical Psychologist several months ago now, I said "I supose that sounds strange" she replied "no, not at all", I now know why.

Since these early years I've been on one very strange journey, problems socially and in relationships, I won't go into my journey in detail just yet, I will later on I feel it will be interest and helpful for other Aspies.

 

I had a major breakdown in 1995 which resulted in a long hospital stay due to self harm. On leaving I was taken under the wings of the local North Wales Mental Health Team.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and for fifteen years I've seen psychologists, counsellerors, you name it. Tried Dialectical behaviour therepy Infact, I was a test subject for that here in North Wales, CBT etc etc. I was trying very hard to come to terms with things/myself, trying to understand and find answers, took the advice to go out and socialise, flood myself so to speak, this over the years only exacerbated the problem, why on eath can't I do this, what is wrong with me, I'm not stupid!

I even studied psychology (social Sciences) at Coleg Harlech to try and understand myself and others. I left when I had to give a presentation to the students, I couldn't handle that.

 

BPD never sat well with me, I knew more about myself than anyone should, analised my thought processes and actions at every turn, I knew there was something more than just a less than ideal upbringing to put it mildly. I said on many occasions, yes I know all this but I still think there is something genetic because even with all this knowledge I can't move forward. ( I realise it's a developmental disorder) No was the answer, you've just had a difficult young life and rubish parents. I said to my care manager who had come to know me very well over the years, there's just one thing missing I know it, one more layer to peel away. He retiered, loosing this incredible man had much more effect on me than I anticipated, he kept my head above the water. Things got really difficult again and I was reffered to a pyschologist once more.

 

Thinking here we go again, no answers just more life evaluation, I went along with no great expectations. ................. By the second session she'd obviously picked up very quickly what the problem was asking if I'd ever heard of Aspergers syndrome (now under the ASD umbrella but the term is still used), yes I'd heard of it. I completely dismissed that comment for some reason, I'd never thought along those lines before, in the third session she mentioned it again and thought it may be the underlying problem.

I researched it online and BANG I started to get excited, anxious, whatever, I don't understand emotions tbh.

Almost everything I read fitted like a glove. I was suspicious and very wary of grabbing hold of this because of my great need for answers, the more I talked about it with her and researched the more I came to realise she is correct, the evidence is irrefutable.

 

I'm rambling on, sorry, to cut it short .......... Very difficult childhood years, very difficult years up to 1995 when I hurt myself, 15 more difficult years but eased by my entry into the mental health system, now I've found, more accurately been given the answer, I'm able to move on, the last layer has been peeled away. I've cried rivers of tears out of relief, there is light at the end of my personal tunnel.

 

At 51 years of age I'm feeling better/stronger than I've ever felt before.

 

Of course the diagnoses is a double edged sword but I've learn't to see the postive over the years, mostly, I have incredible focus and learn very quickly, pragmatic and logical. Oh, and fantastic acute hearing! ............ Positive Aspie traits! :) …........... I still feel there are genetic differences to be found, some substitutions, additions or deletions of DNA bases possibly?

Edited by styks

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Hello and welcome

 

I can relate to quite a bit of the mental health stuff you mention in your post.

My childhood experiences have resulted in my CPTSD which I am still fighting

to get help for years later. In fact ive probably had CPTSD since 1995.

 

I've had breakdowns but never been in hospital for some weird reason as a result.

 

Pleased you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, I can understand the

presentation anxiety, I flooded myself so I could speak in front of others and still

stutter from time to time on what to say.

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Hello trekster and thanks for the welcome.

 

I was beginning to wonder how friendly this site was tbh, 70 odd reads and only one welcome! ...... Errm, I don't know what to think.

Maybe I'm too open and folks are at a loss for what to say. Many years of counselling, I'm used to talking about myself and very open as a result.

 

Well it took 15 years with the wrong diagnoses and going nowhere before a damn good clinical psychologist put a finger on the problem within three sessions!

Oh well, I'm here now and going forward.

 

I hope you get the help you need my friend, if one can't help then another may, never lose hope, that's the main thing. Don't know what CPTSD is tbh, I'll do a search.

Flooding socially didn't work, I now know it was not the thing to do especially for an Aspie, made things worse actually. Now I know how to manage myself.

 

Cheers!

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Thanks for your kind words,

 

C-PTSD is complex Post traumatic stress disorder as a result of multiple traumatic events in my childhood.

20 years later and im still trying to beat this thing that sometimes is bigger than me but other times I succeed.

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