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Akunin

Noisy Neighbours.

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Hello.

 

I haven’t officially been diagnosed with ASD, but I have had an assessment and am currently awaiting the results, so I hope it is okay for me to post in the meantime asking for advice.

 

I live at home with my parents and about 2½ years ago we had new neighbours move in, it was fine for a while but soon after they settled in we started experiencing a large amount of noise, a lot of which was in my bedroom. The noises varied from slams and bangs until the early hours of the morning, loud music, loud talking/laughing/arguing etc. My mom did go to speak to them about it and she was told their daughter is in the room adjoining mine and they would ask her to keep the noise down. It was quiet for a little while but it soon started again and began to get worse.

 

To cut a long story short my mom has been round to speak to them on numerous occasions, she has contacted Environmental Health (who weren’t helpful at all, they told us it is behavioural noise and it is up to the parents to keep their daughter quiet) she has even contacted the letting agent and our old neighbour who is renting the property to them, none of which have helped us at all. We have also had to call 101 (non-emergency police) a few times and the police have spoken to them and we have a crime number due to the problems.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was in my room organising my DVDs and as it was hot I had my window open, so did the daughter next door, but she put music on extremely loud to the point where it was all I could hear in my room, as it was coming through the wall and from outside. I told my mom and she went round to speak to them, the mother answered the door and was very rude to her. She refused to ask her daughter to turn her music down and kept saying she didn’t care about us and they would carry on with all the noises as they couldn’t care less. Since this I have been woken up in the mornings with the daughter yelling and screaming, usually followed by loud music for the most part of the day and then slamming and banging late into the night/early morning, sometimes accompanied with loud talking and laughing.

 

All of this has greatly impacted my health and life so my doctor put me on citalopram. However, even after taking these tablets for about a year or so, I still find it very hard to cope. My room is the only room in the house that is mine and where I can spend time alone. I like reading, studying, watching world cinema and anime and playing on my PS3/4, but I am often made to leave my room and disrupt my plans because of the noises coming through the walls and once it starts I usually become so angry I can’t do anything but be angry so I miss out on indulging in my hobbies. It definitely feels like my room isn't mine anymore and I am "told" what I am and am not allowed to do by the girl next door. I also don't like to leave the house anymore in case they are outside when I go out and when I have seen them in shops, I have to leave the shop as I get angry and anxious just seeing them.

 

The main things I wanted to ask were, if I do have an ASD diagnosis will divulging this information to an organisation coming out to help us be a good thing or not? As I worry it could get put down to sensory issues, which isn’t the case as my parents also hear and get frustrated with the noises. It obviously causes me more stress than them, but it is mostly in my room that the noises occur.

 

Also does anyone have advice on how to deal with the anger side of things, because I do get extremely frustrated and can't control myself.

 

-Tsukimi

 

 

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I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your neighbours, Tsukimi. I myself have experienced this and I know what a terrible impact it can have on one's health and well-being and sense of peace. I became quite ill and, like you, was tense every time I left the house. It was worse as I was coming home, as I approached the house I would become tense and anxious and it was a terrible time for me, so I really sympathise. I used to scream at the top of my voice at the neighbours dogs, who they would leave alone for hours on end barking madly, I was going literally insane!

 

I would start keeping a written record of all the problems you have with your neighbours from now on. Be realistic though, only list the instances where the noise they are making is unreasonable rather than day-to-day noises. Keep on at the Environmental Health people because they should be there to help you. Don't take no for an answer and in a couple of months, when you have built up a list of noise issues you have suffered in writing, make them come round so you can show them and discuss them.

 

I know it is hard, but is it possible to have a mediation meeting with the neighbours? If they feel more friendly towards you they will make more of an effort to keep the noise down for you. I know you get angry, I used to steam and boil inside, but could you make a habit of being overly friendly to them when you see them, deliberately smiling or talking to them and getting to know them a bit to lower their aggression towards you, or perhaps your parents could try this?

 

I hope you can find a solution, but do discuss with your parents how bad this is making you feel and what an effect it is having on your mental health.

 

Take care.

~ Mel ~

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Is it worth giving them a dose of loud noise, when they play their music, put ear muffs on yourself, and everytime they start, you give them back the same, even better.

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Mel - That is exactly how it is for us. Fear leaving the house and coming back to it. I have often screamed through the walls at them as well, as I do get extremely angry. I have been keeping a record of the noises and now have about 6 books full, though we are still being ignored. We have been told EH won't touch slamming doors, loud voices, loud music during the day etc and will only deal with loud music at night, which does happen occasionally but not enough for them to consider it a problem.

 

The police have put us in touch with a charity called Brave, who deal with victim support and they are currently working with us, but they can't solve the actual problem of the noise. They did however give us the number of people who sort out mediation, though I don't have high hopes as the police did try to set up a meeting, but the neighbours refused. Instead accusing me of having "difficulties", the walls of being thin and it being our fault for enjoying to read and everything else they could to claim the problem isn't them.

 

Due to all of this it would be very difficult to play the friendly neighbours now, as it has gone on so long that there is a huge rift between the 2 houses. We have often been called liars by them and they have told us how little they care about being considerate towards us. As for me, I hate them and could never even look at them without seeing red and getting angry to the point I begin to shake and want to go and scream at them.

 

Sesley - We have done that on quite a few occasions when we have become very angry, but they can't seem to understand what we are trying to prove. Infact the mother came to complain about 1 instance when we had noise throughout the house, so played them back at it. We did explain why we had done it, but she refused to believe her daughter would play her music loud, so it really is like banging our heads against a brick wall.

Edited by Tsukimi

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Oh dear. Watched that noisy neighbour on channel 5 tonigh. I am so sorry for your suffering. All I can sugest is you record their noise and time and frequency. And go back to the neighbour and the police,with the evidence ,housing authorities, citzens advise people. etc it is harassement there is laws for race discrimination and harassment, there should be one for people who are different physically and mentally as well.

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I do have some recordings of the noise coming through, though it seems it can't be used as evidence as there is some kind of law that states you can't record people without their knowledge. My mom did tell the mother I had recorded the music on my phone and would she like to hear it so she could hear what we have to put up with and she refused, we have also invited them to come round to hear the noise for themselves and again, they refused.

 

I agree there should be more rights when it comes to things like this, but from what we have been told it seems like they have more rights than us. We haven't told anyone that I could possibly have ASD as we aren't sure where we stand and if it would all be put down to that, despite the fact that my parents hear the noise just as much as me, I just get it worse in my room.

Edited by Tsukimi

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I feel your pain, really I do. Is there a pattern to their noisiness have you noticed? For your own sanity, if you knew they were likely to play music at a certain time, perhaps you could arrange to go to the library at that time just to stop you feeling like a victim. I know how easy it is to get worked up about this. Is it possible that you are extra sensitive and now notice every noise even more, even the normal day-to-day ones? I know that I am over-sensitive to dogs barking and I can get quite worked up about it. I then focus on the noise even more and can't think about anything else until it stops. The thing is, some of it is my problem, I know this, in that it is normal for dogs to bark now and again and most people don't care about it. I have to work hard sometimes to distract myself from focussing on it and if I can't I'll go out.

 

Maybe your neighbours really do believe they aren't being unreasonable. Do you think the slamming doors and loud voices you mention could just be normal for them, in that they are generally loud people and not doing it to specifically annoy you? If you can accept in some part that they are just ignorant and noisy people and not out to be malicious to you personally, then perhaps you won't feel quite so bad and won't feel like they are 'getting at you'. It could be easier for you to accept that that is just how they are and not feel persecuted by it. I would feel worse if I thought someone was doing something deliberately to upset me but could accept it better if I knew they were just ignorant! Annoying as they must be, it would be good if you could find a way to work around it as best you can, sometimes we can't change other people but we can change ourselves.

 

Hope that helps.

~ Mel ~

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Unfortunately that is one of the problems, the noises are very erractic and just as a pattern does start emerge it changes, which adds to the stress for me as I never know what the day will bring and it puts me constantly on edge. We also did have about 4 months before Christmas where it was like having our old neighbours back and I only heard what I would consider to be normal living noise, so we know a lot of the noise is unnecessary and avoidable on their part. My mom did mention this to the neighbour and she just told us that her daughter is away a lot, though I don't really understand how that explains it and makes it acceptable.

 

I definitely think I have become more sensitive to some noises and yes even the day-to-day ones can irritate me such as vacuuming or mowing the lawn, which I know are normal things that I can't complain about (though they do occasionally vacuum late at night 9pm-3am) and I do try really hard not to get worked up but I think now, anything they do and any noise they make gets to me and I know I need to work out some coping methods for these issues as I am making myself unwell.

 

I think the majority of the noise is down to their daughter and from what we have been told by the estate agents and the mother herself, the daughter has a loud voice (though I don't actually hear her all the time) and "likes" to slam doors and I do feel bullied by her and as though she goes out of her way to annoy me. The one night for instance she woke me up at gone midnight playing music and when my mom went round to ask that it could be turned down as she had woken me and them up, she got a mouthful from the daughter who then decided to have a party that went on until 4am. Other times I have accidentally dropped something in my room and had either a bang at the wall or music go on and this causes me to almost tip toe around my room and act "invisible" so she doesn't know I am here.

 

Thank you for your reply, it really helps to speak to someone that can understand how difficult this kind of situation can be.

 

-Tsukimi

Edited by Tsukimi

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Hi Tsukimi,

 

It will probably sound really strange, but it was a relief to read this post and the replies to it as this reflects my feelings perfectly.

 

I have had noisy neighbours in all the houses I have lived in, and it has impacted badly each time. In my current flat it comes from both Flat 1 which is in my building, and a building across the road (which amazes me, I can't comprehend why anyone would wnat their music that loud!) and while I complained to the landlord more than once it got to the stage where he pretty much said that Flat 1 can do whatever they want as long as it didn't go on past midnight. I was infuriated, but moving again is a step too far (I have moved 4 times in the past couple of years) so I am having to learn to just handle it.

 

The main way I try to do this is headphones (I can't use earplugs without extreme pain in my right ear so they are nightime last resort only). I bought some noise cancelling headphones and a long extention lead and use them to watch TV programs because it cancels out a lot of the noise. I have the TV turned up louder because I know it won't annoy anyone. If I am on the laptop I need to use my MP3 player because any idea of noise anywhere makes me paranoid and distracted.

 

Alas if it happens when I need to sleep then I just have to try and turn off the anger, but it isn't easy. These days I tend to imagine I am living somewhere poor where rules are different and noise is just natural. It came from watch TV on BBC2 and hearing constant noise in the background as they were doing interviews. I tend to imagine I am those people and this is the stage I am at before I move up in the world and get my own house. If that doesn't work then it is the earplugs because not sleeping makes me dangerous irate the next day :(

 

It is probably a dumb idea, but is it possible your room could be switched for one without that connecting wall? The one thing I have always done when I have discovered I have a noisy neighbour is moved myself to a part of the house furthest away. It isn't always easy (and I was foiled here because the landlord put a huge hole in the wall so avoid mould - I don't open the windows because of the noise from across the road and cars etc -) but it is an option. Failing that I wholeheartedly recommend headphones :-)

 

I wish you tonnes of luck, and remember it won't always be that way.

 

Kind regards,

Dranz

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Hi Dranz,

 

It doesn’t sound strange at all. I often feel completely alone in my thoughts and feelings in this situation, so it comes as a relief to me too that I am not.

 

I must admit I have been luckier in the sense this is my first time dealing with noisy neighbours and I am so sorry to hear you have always had this problem. We have also been told that the noises during the day are perfectly fine and acceptable and I cannot understand how. A few days ago I had loud music coming through constantly for over 4 hours and it could be heard throughout the house and firstly I don’t understand the need for listening to music so ridiculously loud and secondly how it can be considered acceptable just because the sun is up.

 

I completely understand how noise makes you distracted and paranoid, as I am the same way. As soon as I hear car doors slam, people talking outside etc. I start worry and can’t concentrate on anything I am doing. At the moment I tend to leave the TV or some faint music on in the background, but it definitely doesn’t cover up as much noise as I would like. If they aren’t too expensive I may look for some noise cancelling headphones, as much as I would begrudge wearing them or for that matter having to spend money on them due to the neighbours being inconsiderate, I really need to start thinking of ways around the problem.

 

The anger side of things is definitely one of the biggest issues that has come along with the problem. I become so angry can’t sit still, I become hot and shaky, all the muscles in my neck tense up and it takes everything in me not to scream and shout.

 

I had a bad episode on Sunday, I was in bed around 11pm and had my window slightly open and heard voices getting louder and this was followed by very loud banging on the neighbours door. As soon as I heard the voices, I knew it was going to be a bad night ahead. They were out in the front garden smoking and singing and just being as loud as they could and once they had gone back into the house all we could hear was yelling/screaming/hysterical laughter and to begin with, we actually thought they were upstairs due to the volume of the noises, but when I went downstairs to get away from it I realised they were actually in the living room. At this point (just gone midnight) they put music on and I couldn’t get away from it, I was getting very agitated so I asked my mom to call 101 and thankfully, the police came out within 40 minutes of the call, though it did take them kicking and banging the door and yelling through that it was the police to finally get them to open up, after about 10 minutes of them refusing and us hearing them giggling away next door. After the police left, the music went off, but the screaming carried on and they also took to slamming doors over and over. After all of this I found it hard to sleep as the anger had taken over and in the end I didn’t sleep until about 3.30AM which takes a huge toll on me. (Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay >.<)

 

The only spare room we have (which isn’t attached to next door) is my old bedroom and the smallest in the house, so although I do occasionally go and sleep in there I wouldn’t be happy to move into it. The room I have now is much bigger and fits my huge DVD collection and all my furniture in. I will sleep in there if I am having a particularly bad night, but again begrudge having to move just because next door refuse to be considerate. So I think for me, the headphones would have to be the next step :)

 

Thank you so much for replying, it really does help to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

 

-Tsukimi

 

 

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Unfortunately there are many anti-social people out there that make a lot noise and cause distress, all you can do is keep reporting them when its excessive, and try to keep calm through it all. If they live in social housing then they will probably end up being evicted sooner rather than later.

 

Its not easy when you are noise-sensitive, as even normal noises can be disruptive, sometimes you just have to accept that you can't always have peace and quiet - and have to cope with noise better, have strategies to cope with noise without getting angry. Sometimes I find noise really distracting/annoying, yet other times I can focus through it. I find lawn-mowers and strimmers really annoying in the summer, especially when I'm outside enjoying the peace - sometimes there are more than one going at once!

 

If you can use your old room for temporary respite then that would be a good idea.

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Thanks for your reply. I find since having these neighbours I have become much worse in my tolerance of noises, which doesn’t help matters and I do try my best to avoid instances that will make the problem worse, but it has been very difficult.

 

I have been having a bad time of it since Sunday and feel so unbelievably fed up, drained and tired. I just want to crawl into bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist. I still haven’t caught up on the lack of sleep from Sunday night/morning and I’m finding it very hard to cope, everything is aggravating me and I have little to no concentration which throws off my whole day.

Edited by Tsukimi

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Sorry it's been worse recently. I think it does become a vicious circle, when we have a bad experience we are on edge waiting for the next one to come and end up feeling anxious and wound up even when there isn't a problem because we're anticipating one will start.

 

Do you get out much and do you have places to go to get some respite from it? Just going out for a walk can break the cycle and stress sometimes.

 

Try to hold on to the fact that it won't always be this way, things change and nothing lasts forever, the daughter might move out sometime soon or go off to uni or something and peace will prevail. Then you'll be able to look back on this as a difficult period of your life but one which has come to an end.

 

~ Mel ~

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It really does, you either waste your time getting wound up or waiting for the next problem to start.

 

I must admit I don't like to leave the house a lot, partly due to the neighbours and partly just because of the way I am. I'm currently unemployed and self-study at home, so the majority of my time is spent here. I do go to stay at my sister's house every so often though.

 

My mom's friend has recently told us she is considering getting a dog and needs someone to walk it in the afternoons when she is at work and thought of me (I have my own dog and love animals) and she wants someone trustworthy. I have agreed as it will be some extra time away from the house and the nearby area, so hopefully that will be a positive step for me.

 

I really hope so, I really miss the times prior to them moving in.

 

-Tsukimi

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Walking the dog sounds like a great idea, getting into a routine and getting some fresh air and exercise will hopefully make you feel a lot better in general and more able to cope with the difficult times.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

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My thoughts exactly. My dad comes with me when I take my own dog due to my feelings towards the neighbours and not knowing exactly how I would react if I saw them on the street, but with my mom's friend's dog I will be further from home and feel more comfortable going out by myself (hopefully) and that will be a whole new step for me as I haven't been out of the house by myself for years now.

 

Thank you again, for all of your support and advice :)

 

-Tsukimi

Edited by Tsukimi

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Hi Tsukimi

 

I can sympathise with you as I and my family have been through what you are going through, hence while I have not been on this site for a long time.

 

The neighbour next door to us sold his to a guy who turned it into a House in Multiple Occupation (HIMO), he changed all the rooms into bedsits except for toilet, bathroom & kitchen. He had no planning permission either, we had music playing all night, motorbikes revving up inside the house, a person on the sex offenders list living there, a police raid as explosive materials were being made, occupants taking the mickey out of my Autistic son. We went to Environmental health, kept a diary even had recording equipment in and was told it was only because my son was autistic that we were suffering & the noise would not bother any one without disabilities. Basically the Environmental officer was saying it was our fault cause of our sons learning difficulties, I ended up having a heart attack due to stress, my daughter who has aspergers was falling asleep at her saturday job, my wife was passing out, twice while we were out & my sons epileptic seizures increased. The landlord just continued to collect his money & did not give a damn about us, the police did nothing until one pcso saw how much we were suffering and contacted Social Services, then we started to get respite.

 

We had a meeting with police & housing & was moved due to health reasons, in fact neighbours either side of this house were moved & guess what he still got planning permission lol.

 

We are in a quiet area with lovely neighbours, unfortunately my health is still affected on heart tablets for the rest of my life. I think I realise dI was pushed to far when I got up in the middle of the night & was considering making petrol bombs to burn his place down & end the nightmare. Thankfully I didn't. He had 4 other properties that were HIMO's all without planning permission and had complaints at all of them from people living nearby. One of his properties did burn down, it was a drug factory so I suppose someone up there wanted to give him pay back.

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Hi Paul.

 

So sorry to hear of your troubles, it truly is a horrible thing to go through.

 

I can't believe how people with disabilities still get over looked and made to feel as though it is their fault that these problems occur. The neighbours themselves have accused me on many occasions of being the problem. I like to read and it seems that is not normal to them, as they don't and as their daughter is a "normal" teenager it is my fault for not being understanding of that.

 

More recently I feel as though they are trying to intimidate me, as if they ever see me they will just stare. I have often caught them staring up at our house as well, trying to look in through the windows and it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Just this past weekend I went out into the garden and on my way back into the house the mother was in the garden (they have raised decking, so they can see into our garden) and she just stood staring at me, unlike most people who would break a stare she didn't, so I went back round the side instead of going into the house. I told my mom (who was in the garden also) and when she went to see if she had gone, she was still standing there staring in. When they spoke to the police on one occasion they said they feel victimised by us, but in my opinion that isn't the way a victim would act, just a bully.

 

We are also almost certain the daughter is involved in drugs as cars keep pulling up infront of our house and she goes out and exchanges money for something, though they sometimes pull up in the church car park over the road. We had some new people move into the area and when she spoke to my mother she said "It seems like a nice area, though I did see a drug deal going on over in the car park" she even described the car and a girl that went over to it, for me it is too much of a coincidence for it to be anyone else. She also said she knows the local police and intends to report it. I have told my parents I think we should report it as well, but they are concerned if anything is done about it, that they will assume it us and then take it out on us more.

 

I just want a peaceful life where I can enjoy the things I want, without someone else ruining it, but it seems our issues will continue until the family move out.

 

-Tsukimi

 

 

 

 

 

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Well, I am very pleased to say that the noisy neighbours are moving out. A to let sign was put up today :D

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Oh, I'm so pleased for you, you must be so relieved and thrilled. I really hope you get a nice family moving in and you can live the rest of your time there in peace and security. It just goes to prove that things don't stay the same forever and things can and do change and improve.

 

Peace to you. :balloon:

 

~ Mel ~

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Thank you, Mel :)

 

It is a huge relief for all of us, and now at least when they are noisy I can tell myself they will be gone soon. It really felt like it would go on forever and I am so glad it is over with and as you said, hopefully we will have a much nicer family move in :)

 

-Akunin

Edited by Akunin

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Yes, when you're in the middle of a hellish situation like that it can feel like it will never end and leads to such despair. I'm so pleased that it will all be over for you soon. Stay strong. :)

 

~ Mel ~

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Definitely. I already feel much happier and content at home knowing they will soon be gone. I was woken up this morning by the daughter having a screaming fit and then earlier this evening had music blaring throughout the house and I just had to go and look at the to let sign, tell myself it would be over with soon and take a breath.

 

-Akunin

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