Jump to content
Frances20

Struggling in a new relationship

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

Image looking for support and/or advice from people who have lived with someone with Aspergers for longer than I have; which is only six months.

I am living with a lovely, sweet, gentle and highly intelligent guy who has Aspergers. This was one of the first things that he told me about himself and because of my professional background; nurturing personality and our deep physical attraction I thought that our relationship would be easy.

I am sure that many of you can guess that I was extremely naive. I used to be very confident in my intelligence but after repeated episodes of what feels like forensic interrogation about what should have been a trivial comment, piece of news, statement or question I feel incredibly stupid. After a couple of insults from him during discussions I threatened to leave if it happened again and he has kept his word. However the forensic questioning and doubting has continued and he is absolutely certain that he is right about almost anything we talk about. I don't know how to handle this anymore.

I am also struggling with his lack of comprehension of my emotional needs. I have a lot of very serious stuff going on in my life but if I say that I am upset or unhappy he will always ask why? Then he will usually make a what feels like a dismissive remark. For example my father has cancer (terminal) and my partner actually said not to be too upset as he would be dead soon. I told him that was not a helpful comment and part of me knows that it is the Aspergers talking but the rest of me wonders if he really is as uncaring and selfish as he sometimes behaves? Some examples: throwing my stuff on the floor to get at what he wants;walking away from me in shops and restaurants when we have finished there; sitting watching me do housework without offering to help - although if I tell him to do a specific task he does it willingly; walking into the bedroom where I am asleep and turning on the light; rolling himself up in the whole duvet before I get into bed.

It doesn't help that I am also very introverted and do not have friends other than colleagues. I also do not socialise or have sociable hobbies so I am very isolated. This is also part of the reason that we click - we understand those parts of each other, although I can behave extrovert and have very good social skills. I am in a very sociable profession and also test as an extreme empath so in a strange way we complement each other but as I said I am struggling.

Thank you for reading.

Edited by Frances20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Frances,

 

I do not know if my reply can help, but I am in a very similar relationship (although, I am probably considerably older than you). I have been married for fifteen years. Like you, I am a professional in a person-centred career and I have no friends outside work (i.e. only colleagues). When we were first married, I struggled to come to terms with what I perceived as my husband's 'irrational' behaviour. For example, he couldn't stand the noisiness of our children so he shouted at them to shut up; Having upset all the local political groups, he formed his own political party of which he was the only member and then became enraged when nobody else joined. He offered to clear my late father's woodland of bracken by inventing a flame-throwing device that burnt down the neighbouring farmer's fence. He always forgot my birthday and he always told the children exactly what I have bought them for Christmas. Then, when my eldest son was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome we realised that my husband was probably also on the spectrum. He received an official diagnosis three years ago. This helped me enormously because it gave me a framework with which to interpret my hsband's behaviour.

 

I realise that the descriptions above are not typical AS traits, but you may find, as I have, that your partners' strengths completely compensate for any 'faults'. For example, in my case, my husband is the most honest and loyal man that I know. Now the boys are older they dote on him. He has an extensive knowledge of cars and engines and he is teaching both boys how to drive. My eldest son especially finds it an enormous help to have a father who really does understand. His anger is never long lived and usually it stems from sensory issues or some misunderstanding. I feel extremely protective towards him because he is so clearly vulnerable. I also admire his sense of individuality. Sometimes I wish we would go out socially. However, he would never stop me from going off on my own.

 

 

So, I suppose what I am trying to say is that you love your partner and that it obvious throughout your message. It is almost certainly the case that he does not realise his constant correction and interrogation are ineffective communication strategies (and very annoying). I am no expert on these matters, but sometimes I opt for the easy way out and pretend to agree with what DH says just to keep the peace. The insensitivity is something I can empathise with. Try explaining how such comments make you feel. Perhaps he really does not know he is being offensive. Some of the more practical issues can be solved easily: buy another duvet and give him more instructions for housework.

 

As I said before, I am no expert at all but I can assure you, you are not alone.

 

I

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the "secret" of any relationship is good communication. This is even more so in the case where one partner is AS. The fact is he will not understand what you are feeling, and so what your needs are, without being told (many women feel the same about their NT partners), but his being As gives you an easier route into having the discussions.

 

The thing to do is to talk openly and calmly about the issues. If he hurts you or you feel he is putting you down then tell him. If you need help and support then tell him that too. If he can take that on board then he should be able to start modifying his behaviour.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to both of you. Your replies are very helpful. One of the first things that he said to me when we talked about his Aspergers was that 'we (meaning people with Aspergers) are easy to deal with. Just tell us what you want and give us good advice.' I have found this to be the case in most respects although unless what I say is stated as a specific instruction he will continue to question things that seem (to me as a neurotypical) to be obvious.

Snowdon you are right when you say that I love him. I was, as I said naive because I thought that my background as a psychologist and counsellor would make our relationship easy. Unfortunately I had not realised that these experiences would not carry me through 24/7 and 7 days of the week; tiredness and illness!

I understand that I have to focus on the positives and recognise that I have a lot to learn. But I think that it will be worth it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have AS, but am female, however I would love to meet someone as compassionate and understanding as you both appear to be. I can relate to what you describe because I have done similar things to your partners in the past, but it is not because I am cold or do not care. It is just that I am very emotionally egotistical, in the same way that a young child is egotistical. I would imagine that this is the case for most people with AS - despite intellectual intelligence, emotional intelligence can be very impoverished. I think you just need to be clear and calmly authoritative in your requests; it needs to be spelled out or the problematic behaviour won't be resolved. And you might need to explain things many times before it sinks in.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oolong, thank you so much for your post. It really helps to hear from you and gives me confidence in the future of my relationship. Clear and calmly authoritative is a great piece of advice. It amazes me at times just how childlike my partner can be, especially when in new situations are when confronted with something unexpected!

I hope that you meet someone understanding soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, I have Asperger's and been in a relationship for nearly 8 years - although I didn't know I had Asperger's then (only just been diagnosed). Some people with Asperger's will find relationships challenging, I know I do - and have presented similar difficulties to what you have described, especially when first moving in with my partner. I don't always do enought to maintain our relationship, or do things around the home - its a constant challenge to remind myself, and if i'm in my own world then thats very difficult. I have to be asked to do things, or reminding, my partner is pretty good at prompting me these days - I guess she's had to adapt to suit me. I think you have to accept that he has difficulties that he can't always control, even if he says or does things that are hurtful or damaging to your relationship. People with Aspeger's can be quite childlike, I know I am - especially in stressful situations, where crude automatic responses kick in. Don't take it personally when he is challenged and lashes out, he's dealing with a difficult situation in the only way he knows - it will take time to develop better strategies for dealing with things. People with autism tend to find change very difficult, so going into a relationship will cause stress that will present itself in many ways, and sometimes when you least expect it. He needs your help and guidance to develop new strategies and better ways of communicating his difficulties. It may never be a 'normal' relationship in every sense, you have to be prepared for that, but then it can be liberating to both form your own kind of relationship. As said above, good communication is important - let him know what you would like from him, when he crosses the line, etc., and prompt him to do things around the home - just don't make too many demands at once, that will probably overload him, one at a time is best. Let him know you want the both of you to work things out so you can stay together, focus on a positive outcome.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget though, Frances20, that this is a two-way relationship. You are not his carer, you are an equal partner and both your needs are as important as each other. He should also be doing some giving to the relationship rather than you doing all the compromising. At the end of the day, if you are both happy and learn to work well together then that is great, but don't forget you have your own problems that you need support with as well as offering support to him and his.

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to be asked to do things, or reminding, my partner is pretty good at prompting me these days - I guess she's had to adapt to suit me

It has been quite hard for me to this as I am a 'people pleaser' and will tend to do things without asking for help. My relationship is really challenging me to be more directive and to expect an equal effort from my partner (even if I have to ask him). I think that we can both develop in the relationship and that is a good thing.

Don't take it personally when he is challenged and lashes out, he's dealing with a difficult situation in the only way he knows - it will take time to develop better strategies for dealing with things.

Fortunately my partner is very placid and does not appear to have a temper. My main problem is when we have a discussion and he just will not let it go. For example this morning he asked about preventing nuisance calls (the phone ringing really bothers him) so I mentioned the Telephone Preference Service. We then started in a very long discussion about how it works and. I finally had to say that I didn't have the detail that he wanted. My problem is that I end up feeling stupid. This is more about how I deal with things I think so it is another personal challenge rather than expecting my partner to change. When I say I don't know or don't want to carry on talking he always accepts it which is great.

He needs your help and guidance to develop new strategies and better ways of communicating his difficulties. It may never be a 'normal' relationship in every sense, you have to be prepared for that, but then it can be liberating to both form your own kind of relationship.

As we are both in our 40s it is a real voyage of discovery to form a new kind of relationship. Your comment about this has really made me feel very positive about the future! Edited by Frances20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget though, Frances20, that this is a two-way relationship. You are not his carer, you are an equal partner and both your needs are as important as each other. He should also be doing some giving to the relationship rather than you doing all the compromising.~

That is the hard part. Since We've been together I have felt that it is me that does all of the compromising.

Don't forget you have your own problems that you need support with as well as offering support to him. ~

That is also difficult as I don't have really have friends other than colleagues and my sister. That is one of the reasons that I looked for a forum like this which I am finding really helpful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have Asperger syndrome and been in a relationship for 40 years with a Neurotypical woman,

similar problems have arisen over the years, She once asked me 'how I felt when I lost my grandmother', I replied did'nt lose her, i know where she's buried, etc.

I dont think your intelligence as deminished because of your relationship, you have expressed yourself very well, but in your line of work you probably know intelligence comes in five distinct catogories, intellectual, emotional, visual, physical and listening. You will be more inteligent emotionally than him and sometimes you may unitentionaly say something that goes over is head and vice versa. So you need to use Rules!


Rule One: when speaking to you he must use ice cream words, these are words that make neurotypical people smile like when they eat ice cream.


Rule two: investigatative talk is only used by the police.


Rule three: All men are lazy.


Rule four: When you tell him about your concerns no comment is need (by either partner), just a hug, signal this by saying these are upset words.


Remember that when an incident happens neurotypical people have an emotion and take an action. When an incident happens a aspie has a good idea and takes an action.


I hope this will help, but at the end of the day relationships work and fail all the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi hasnow,

Rule three really made me smile. Seriously though it is a fine line between identifying individual quirks that are not AS and those behaviours that are based in AS. My previous partner was not at all lazy, so maybe he was also not typical, although not on the spectrum either. My new partner also has significant depressive disorder so that is also a factor. I've noticed that as our relationship has progressed D. Is definitely more active and there are things that he no longer means reminding about. His formidable intellect means that he picks things up very quickly and if it makes sense to him then he'll now do it without prompting. I am becoming more confident and assertive; I also suffer from major depressive disorder so some of my feelings are due to my own mental state. Living with D. means that I am having to gain more clarity about what is important to me and why; as well as finding ways to live as a more independent person than just being one half of a couple. In previous relationships I have always been very dependent so this is also a healthy development. Overall I feel as if we are both growing and that is great.

D. is so affectionate and loving and we both listen to each other, know how important respect is and talk a lot about our relationship, our previous relationships and families so I feel very positive about our future. I have never been with anyone who is so physically affectionate and is so accepting of me and my own particular craziness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been in a relationship with my husband since I was 14 (25 now), and it's definitely a never-ending educational experience. :P I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. We both also suffer from depression, so our emotions can often make us clash at times - most of it comes down to lack of clear communication. My top tips for communication are: 1) Never make promises you think you might not be able to keep; 2) Always keep your requests clear and direct with correct vocabulary ("upset" is vague and has caused many silly arguments between the hubby and I!); and 3) Never make assumptions. Even if it's obvious to you, it's probably not obvious to them.

A good example of this happened to me the other day... Hubby was interrogating me mercilessly about our finances (we're moving out, and I handle all the money since he hates mathematics), and although I kept hinting for him to stop because it was upsetting me, he kept going and going until I had a mini-panic attack. This only confused him more because he couldn't figure out why I would be crying over something so trivial, so he thought that raising his voice at me would help. It definitely did not! ;) It makes me laugh now, but if I was a bit clearer and less panicked, we could have avoided it altogether.

 

That brings me to my final tip: 4) Sometimes, it's best to just walk away from a situation and come back to it later. I find at least with my husband that some situations may become too overwhelming and that just separating or dropping it altogether will help in the long term. We might be a bit upset for a while, but after some time has passed, he has had time to think and process things over, and I've calmed down a bit to hear him out.

Edited by BelLocke

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

: 1) Never make promises you think you might not be able to keep; 2) Always keep your requests clear and direct with correct vocabulary ("upset" is vague and has caused many silly arguments between the hubby and I!); and 3) Never make assumptions. Even if it's obvious to you, it's probably not obvious to them.

Oh boy. I had to learn to be clear and direct very quickly. I also had to learn to state my emotions rather than relying on inference or NVCs; as I come from a family in which nobody says what they mean and any authentic emotion is ignored (unless it was rage or hilarity) this has been a challenge. I have to say though it is a huge relief to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't use emotional blackmail or rage to communicate their needs. Not sure whether this is just D.'s personality or AS.

It also still surprises me how some things that seem obvious to me do not to D. Things like locking the front door at night or not leaving his MacBook on the table in a cafe when he goes off to the loo...

That brings me to my final tip: 4) Sometimes, it's best to just walk away from a situation and come back to it later..

D. Is much better at this than I am. He is usually the person to suggest that we talk later and it really helps because I am the one who can get emotional and lose my clarity. Edited by Frances20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The last time that D spoke to me in a disrespectful and contemptuous way I told him that I would not accept it. And that if necessary our relationship would be over.

Last night we were chatting in a friendly way about tennis (I'm a big fan). I made a comment and he looked at me with sheer contempt on his face and said 'Just shut up' in a very cold voice before carrying on with what he was doing. I left the house and spent an hour walking the streets crying. When I got home he completely ignored me and when I tried to talk about told me that I was irrational and we would not talk about it.

Earlier in the day we had talked about my struggle at the moment with major depressive disorder and current suicidal thoughts which he also suffers from. I'm signed of work and seeing the crisis team. Despite knowing this, during our discussion last night he told me that he does think that I am stupid sometimes and that's when he tell me to shut up. I told him that sometimes he is stupid too but I would never speak to him that way that he does to me at which he shrugged his shoulders.

Is this typical of ASD/NT relationships? Is this man incapable of caring for me for the way that I care for him? Am I on my own in this relationship?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Really there is only one question you need to ask yourself; is this man making you happy? Oh, here's another question; does he make you feel good about yourself? If you can't answer yes maybe you need to ask yourself another question; why are you with a man who doesn't make you happy and makes you feel bad.

 

My husband is somewhat similar in that he truly believes that if I am upset by something he says than it is my own fault for taking offence and not his for having said something upsetting. His justification is that he would never intentionally upset me and so if he has said something that comes out wrong and unintentionally upsets me then it is my own fault for being upset and not his!! In other words, I am being over-sensitive and interpreting his comment in a way that upsets me. He is blameless. Infuriating; yes!

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is a good question. Why am I with someone who doesn't make me feel good? My previous relationship was with a man who adored me and would do anything for me, anything that is except intimacy. We were married for 20 years, 15 of those without any intimacy although as I said he treated me like a Queen. We shared so much and we're more like best friends than lovers. I began to miss intimacy and feeling physically attractive. The attraction to D. was intense, physical and fast. Within weeks I had moved in and the physical affection and intimacy is wonderful, but......the price is that I feel so stupid, we don't share any interests and I often hide or censor things about myself because of his disapproval. He often says things that are manifestly not true about British women (amongst other things) but he will not be contradicted. On good days I make a joke of it. On bad days I think that he's an arrogant know it all.

He has said that he has never felt better; he wasn't eating, sleeping or looking after himself properly and before I moved in the house was like a very messy, dirty teenage boy's bedroom with very little furniture and he had stacks of unread post and unpaid bills despite being a well paid professional. I have quickly restored order, created a home and a routine, but am starting to feel that this was my intended role all along. He has no one else in his life than me and when I consider leaving (which I am) I worry so much about his wellbeing. That said I don't know if I want to be someone's carer (or slave as he sometimes refers to me). I am so low and following a dangerous incident am being seen by the crisis team every few days. D. (of course!) cannot see why they need to visit me. The truth is that I have been (am?) deeply depressed and at risk. Weak, stupid and ridiculous I know. I keep crying (in secret) and am despairing at times about the future. I feel disloyal posting this but really need advice/support.

Edited by Frances20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My immediate advice would be to take care of YOURSELF. You are not his nurse or his maid, you are supposed to be in a loving relationship but it doesn't sound like he is making you feel loved only needed and useful.

 

You need to find the inner strength to do what is right for you at the moment and if that is leaving then that might be better for you than waiting around feeling worse and worse and hoping that things will improve. If you do that you might just feel worse and lose the will and strength to do what you need to do for your own sanity and happiness. I know that when someone is depressed they find it hard to find strength and inner belief though, I have been there myself.

 

He survived before you came into his life and he will if you decide you've had enough. You can't stay in a relationship just because you are worried about what will happen when you leave, that's just emotional blackmail.

 

Take care.

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...