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BelLocke

Hiya! Wife of someone with AS

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Heya, first time poster here. I'm a 25 year old American chick who's married to a 28 year old British guy with Aspergers. Ours is a really interesting story; we met online in a chat room when I was 12 and he was 15. We hit it off straight away and were best friends for a couple of years before he came to visit me for the first time. Since then, we've hardly ever been apart - together for over 10 years and married for 5. :D It's meant me relocating to England, which has been a challenge in itself, and everything was pretty good until he started struggling even more with his AS in recent years... Funnily enough, I didn't even know he had AS until we were engaged, but it's become really, really clear over the years of living together that it's there.

Lately, he's struggling in particular with over-sensitivity to noise. Three years ago, we moved out of his parents' house (we'd been living there while I worked on getting my residency visa) because they made too much noise and he felt it was crowded and trapped. We moved into a flat in the city centre of Birmingham, and he was so happy to be independent - until the noises started here too. It started with people playing music, which he complained about and got stopped, but now even people walking around upstairs and the occasional slamming of the communal doors has him acting like a caged animal at times. We argue a lot. When he is unhappy, he makes it very difficult for people around him to be happy, and ironically, I can't even ask him if he's okay because it REALLY bothers him to be asked all the time. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time, and have told him as much, but rather than try to work on the problem with me, he just internalizes all of the blame and closes himself away from me even more because he's a "horrible person" and I "deserve better." Needless to say, his stress is rubbing off on me. I've even started shaking a bit or dropping things a lot, and on top of the social isolation after leaving everything behind in America, I'm finding it more and more difficult to cope as time goes on.

It's not ALL bad, and I do love him loads. We're both big kids and have all of the same interests for the most part, and when he's not stressed, he's so much fun to be around.

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now. I'm hoping posting here will help me cope with some of my own stress, and maybe get me some much needed advice for the husband. In the meantime, it's nice to meet you all. :)

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Hi BelLocke, welcome to the forum. :) I have Asperger's and am in a relationship, and can relate to what you have described about him - I think its common for Asperger relationships to be a challenge for both parties, but it just something both sides need to work, as in any relationship. Moving to the centre of Birmingham is a brave choice if he sensitive to noise, I couldn't do it, but then its hard to move someone truly quiet these days - just have to accept noise is normal, and find ways to minimise the effects. If he has become more sensitive to noise recently then its possible he may be more stressed/anxious generally, and he does seem to be depressed (either constant or episodal) which might not help. If he is pushing you away by calling himself a 'horrible person' etc. then that's either the depression or low-self esteem talking - he may genuinely feel you deserve better, because of his difficulties. I know what its like, i feel my partner could do a lot better than me for many reasons, but these days I try not to torture myself about it - I just let it go, and try to just be myself as that's all I can do. It can be hard for people with Autism to change, or accept they need to change, but given enough time and the right pressure then it can be possible. He needs help to open up and really talk about things, rather than throwing obstacles in the way like self-derogatory stuff.

 

I think you need to explain to him you are concerned about him and want to help, and explore ways to help each other through this. Does he take any medication? He may need to see a psychiatrist to explore treatments, and maybe talking therapies.

 

There is a local charity, Autism West Midlands, that have a good website and help-line - might be worth asking them for advice.

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Hello! Pleasure to meet ya. :)

Might seem strange, but he actually wanted to live in the city centre. He feels all trendy and cool living here (his words, haha), and truth be told, we haven't had a lot of issues with noise at all, with the exception of our direct neighbors over the last year a half.

A lot of what you've said about opening up, etc, is stuff I have addressed with him before. It's funny. When we were just friends/just started dating, our relationship was the complete opposite of what it was now. I was the quiet and depressed one, and he was the talkative one who was really good with putting how he felt into words - he's a really good writer which has something to do with it I think. The dynamic is completely changed which is part of what I'm personally struggling with, because I have my own personal fear of big changes, and when I do try to get him to open up and talk to me about everything, it's almost like I'm fighting the current. I got into the habit of asking, "Are you okay?" a lot, and over time, it would instantly freeze him up and lead towards arguments if I didn't catch myself saying it in time. He's fallen into this rut and just won't budge. Part of it is because we've argued so much now that he's always afraid of "triggering" a new argument. Ironically, that just tends to make more friction between the two of us because all the bad things get buried until they build up and explode.

I recently e-mailed Autism West Midlands with a huge emotional essay, and they're actually the reason I ended up here. :P They recommended I start posting on forums to try and find some support... They also gave me the name of a local counselor who helps couples (and who also has AS himself). I'm trying to get my husband to consider getting back on some kind of medication to help him a bit, but he's afraid of gaining weight or other side effects. We might be moving out of our flat if these problems continue, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time with him and try to work this out as best as possible.

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I have a very special person in my life who I hope to marry in a few years.

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Hello there! And aww, that's great. I hope it all works out for you! :) Marriage is hard sometimes, but it's definitely worth it.

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