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BelLocke

Complete Meltdown

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With all the added stress lately, it's been building for a while, but last night, the husband and I had a total and utter meltdown of communication. We argued and cried for hours, and the next morning, we're still bruised and hurt. I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Part of the troubles we have is he just won't let me in anymore. We used to be so close, and then one day, he completely shut himself off from the world. It's clear now that it all stems from one thing: working. He hates his job. He hates having to deal with people, the sounds, the lights, and everything else that comes with it. At the same time, he refuses to back down and admit perhaps employment is not for him. He's already moved from full-time to part-time a few years ago, but he will not admit defeat and let me take on the larger share of the responsibilities. I think part of it is machismo because he feels he's the one who should be taking care of me, and another part of it is because "everyone" is judging him.

He's clearly depressed, but I didn't know just how long he'd been keeping it to himself - it's been years. He told me for the first time that the reason he does not talk anymore, does not show affection, etc is because he's "fuzzy" and feels that the world "isn't real." This has clearly gotten worse lately, and he can't even get out of bed in the morning when we have alarms set or plans to go out. He only manages on work days. Part of me also wonders if he might be suffering from paranoia. He's constantly talking about "they" and "everyone" as if there's a group of people out there who are bullying and judging him, calling him overweight and out of shape (he's a fitness instructor, and I assure you, he is NOT any of those things) and thinking he's a horrible miserable mean person - when there clearly isn't anyone doing that. He's starting to group me in with those "people" now, which really hurts because all I ever do is encourage, praise him, and try to make him feel good.

This is getting too long, so maybe I'll just finish with a few questions.

  • He's depressed; we both know this. We will be seeing a doctor after we move out of our flat and asking for him to be put on medication, but I also wonder whether his other symptoms are related or if they're worth exploring individually? Paranoia, over-exercising, anorexic thoughts, etc?
  • If work is too much for him, what are our options? A few years ago, we had to fight just to keep him on DLA because the government didn't see his autism/Asperger's as a "disability." He's on it permanently now, but this is due to change with the new legislation. I only work two small part time jobs (lack of qualifications have meant full time jobs do not want me), and I'm literally going to be applying for a higher education course today - full time. Are we stuck like this for now?
  • When I try to approach him tactfully about an issue, he takes it as a negative criticism and thinks I'm putting him down. Is this just a trait of AS? How do I approach him without leading to an enormous explosion?

Thank you if you read all of this. It's really hard for me right now. I'm in a different country with no friends outside of my husband and father-in-law of all people, so I have little if any support at all right now. I just feel like I'm falling apart.

Edited by BelLocke

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Sounds like his job is overwhelming him, so that he just wants to shutdown at home - which makes things difficult for you. I had to give up a good full-time job years ago because work was just too much to deal with, both the tasks I had to do and the people I had to work with. I know what its like but he has to try to communicate how is feeling, and admit he has difficulties. Maybe his job is not right for him, maybe work is beyond him right now, but he needs to talk about it and seek help or he will just end up crashing like I did, and that will be worse than how things are right now.

 

In answer to your questions:

 

Trying to cope with work/life with depression is difficult, especially without medication, so he needs to get help with that. But also, he really needs to see a psychiatrist to discuss his paranoia and other difficulties. I suffer from paranoia, have since childhood - its not an autistic trait, but autism can give rise to depression and anxiety which develops into paranoia. He may be picking up signals that people are against him, or he may be reading the signals wrong - autistic people can have great difficulty reading people, so they don't know what other people really think. It also sounds like he is suffering from low self-esteem, and is beating himself up for not being good enough, which is another reason to seek help. Self-help books can be useful, though at this moment in time he may not be in the right place for these.

 

If he is struggling with part-time then maybe its unrealistic for him to work, but he maybe just need medication and to seek help with his difficulties. I would suggest seeking help before he gives up his job, in case medication, etc., helps him to cope better with it. However, if things are really that bad then maybe he needs time off to recover and get help. If he is on DLA then this will continue until he is asked to apply for PIP, so if he were to give up work then doing it while he is still getting DLA would make sense.

 

Being defensive is probably his way of trying to protect his core self, which is probably suffering right now. Again, its not a trait of autism - though his explosive reaction is a meltdown, which is a trait. People with Asperger's can be perfectionists, or try very hard to be, and so he may be fighting to be 'perfect' - and not cope with signs or comments that he is not. This is probably linked to his paranoia and low self-esteem. All you can do is keep telling him you love him, and are on his side and want to help him. Meltdowns can be bad and painful for all involved, but tend to be short lived.- it will pass. Try to balance being supportive with giving him space - don't let him disappear, but don't push him too hard either.

 

Its time for him to seek help, even if it goes against his nature. It took me a few years to realise I needed help, I was too busy blaming everyone else.

 

Keep positive, and keep providing reassurance.

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Thank you for taking the time to respond. The reinforcement and advice here is really helpful during times like these because it's often hard to keep afloat and believe that things will work out in the end. All signs are pointing to getting him prescribed some medicine - we'll have to work on that ASAP. As for a psychiatrist, that'll be a bit harder because of his nature, just like you said, but one step at a time for now. I really wish I could get him to share things with me, but lately, he seems to value other people's advice and opinions over anything me or his parents have to say to him. This is where a psychiatrist would help I suppose, but again, he's so stubborn and stuck in this mindset where he believes nothing is worth doing because it won't help, etc. Hopefully, when we start addressing his depression, everything else will start to fall into place.

Good news is after a very hard, lonely beginning to the day, we eventually met up together, ate out for lunch, and wandered around the local shops, and he seems to have calmed down a bit. I guess I just need to back off and keep a bit more to myself for a while, at least until we start sorting things out.

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Good to hear the end of the day was better, it can help to get away from things for a bit. Just make the best of things in the meantime. If his job is getting to him then he needs to find a way to release things in a healthy way, rather than having a meltdown (or shutdown). Going for a long walk somewhere quiet works for me. I used to drive/wander off for hours after a meltdown, to try and recover, but that was a bad way of handling it. Now, I try to keep calm and avoid meltdowns, I'm learning to let things go and not let things build-up. Also, we like to get away from things now and then and head somewhere quiet, which helps me release any built-up tension.

 

People with autism can struggle to change the way they think, and prefer to keep things the same even if its not working. It is possible to change, but it takes a lot of effort - and first of all it requires acceptance that things need to change.

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