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12yr old ran away - now what to do?

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Hi all, haven't been here for a while, but need some support and advice from others who might understand.

my 12 yr old is finding life generally difficult at the moment, recently fell out with her 'best friend', feels teachers don't like her and says she doesn;t understand them etc Also eats constantly, we have a padlocked cupboard in kitchen, but recently she has been stealing money out of my bag, brothers pockets etc to buy sweets etc, (obese - this has been going on for years). doesn't like going out and wants to spend all spare time watching youtube videos of her favourite actress (latest 'special interest')

anyway yesterday morning i discovered that she had eaten 1/2 loaf of bread and a family pack of ice creams that I had bought the evening before for a family BBQ (I feel stupid for buying them, but didn't really think she would eat them before breakfast) I decided I needed to come down hard on her as this eating has got completely out of hand so I went up to her room and took away her laptop and told her we were going out for a walk as she needed exercise to walk off the calories that she had consumed. anyway got to carpark and she refused to come with us, I lost my temper and shouted you either walk the dog with us now or you can walk home (she knows the way) so she turned and walked off towards home. we continued for short walk, then drove back to pick her up, when she saw car she went down an alleyway, but I wasn't worried at this stage as it is the route home that she takes from school every day and only about 15 mins walk from home, i could see she was safe so we let her carry on walking, thinking we would have all calmed down by the time she got home. anyway she failed to come home, initially we thought she had stopped at a neighbours or a friends house, but I called everyone I could think of and she wasn't there, we drove around the town and all the routes she could have taken, we were just on verge of phoning police when hubby suggested a park about 1mile from home which i used to take her to when she was younger, anyway she was there, just sitting on a swing (this is about 2hours after we were expecting her home). Brought her home and she says she was planning to hide in the bushes when it got dark, she says the reason she didn't want to come home is because if she doesn't come home she doesn't have to go to school, says not being bullied, but hates it and wants to change school as says noone likes her (she does actually have 2 really good friends at school - one of them even came round later that night as she was so worried about her) I know she is stressed cause its sports day tomorrow which she dreads, but school have been great and said although they would like her to participate they will not force her and might give her 'jobs' to do like scoring etc.

My problem now is what to do next - she has threatened running away before and did run as far as local play area a few yrs ago. I am going round and round in circles with CAMHS/Paeditrician CAMHS say can't really help her until she wants to change her behaviour related to eating. has seen various camhs workers over last few years and last year had 6 weeks of counselling through relate and was discharged (again), so once again i need to speak to Paediatrician (pretty useless!!) to get re-referred to CAMHS but daughter not interested in reducing her eating and says if she wants to run away no one can really stop her.

sorry for long post but any help/advice welcome

 

 

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Sounds like a reaction to a gluten and dairy addiction to me. Some of the other threads mention gf cf living and diet. My behaviour improved being off these foodstuffs permanently.

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Hi all, well things have got much worse and now daughter cutting herself and 'wants to be dead', saw a CAMHS level 2 worker but daughter refused to speak so now waiting to see Level 3 CAMHS (they are waiting for a new worker to start 'who will work with young people with """"'s difficulties' - (not sure how helpful they can be if she refuses to engage?) In meantime daughter now refuses to talk to me about how she is feeling now as feels that I have betrayed her by seeking help. goes on social media (which she is unaware that i view) and mentions suicide a lot, have an appt with her to see a crisis worker at CAMHS next week for a review - but don't really know what to expect from them, I know daughter will refuse to speak to anyone when she gets there. Feeling quite alone with all this - there doesn't seem to be any support for parents.

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If she says she is not coping in school, then she isn't coping regardless of how family or school view it. She is 15 now? How is she doing academically? Does she have a Statement. And if so would it be worth looking at seeking a new placement at an independent ASD school that would typically go up to age 19?

 

Write down all the things that your daughter has said make her unhappy. From your post it appears to be around school, not understanding the teachers, feeling different and that she is not liked etc.

 

Or an alternative is to seek a reduced timetable at her current school. The Local Authority Educational Psychologist would probably need to be involved.

 

The eating could be due to confort eating due to depression, anxiety or due to a sensory processing disorder. Does she have sensory issues?

 

My son is also overweight when he never used to be. He has anxiety issues, OCD and ASD and dyslexia and a number of other diagnosis too. I think his eating us part comfort eating [he says himself that when he eats his brain is not thinking about other things that are worrying him - ask your daughter if it is the same for her. And if it is, then the eating is not going to reduce until the causes of that overneating and need to do something to give her brain a break from this relentless thinking and worrying].

 

There is very little support out there for parents, children.

 

We have managed to get our son into an independent school, and even there he has had times when he has struggled and refused school. We have managed to get the NHS Clinical Psychologist to come into his school to give a half day workshop to staff in his school. It is some kind of miracle I have managed to get that.

 

But she is not happy with the current situation, so that has to change to reduce her anxiety until she is coping.

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Poor, poor girl... and poor you! So sorry to hear this.

 

I'd go along with Sally's reply, but I'll add some thoughts of my own too.

She's obviously very unhappy, and is most likely in no mood to engage or even talk to 'professionals'. She needs someone independent, non-intimidating and non-judgmental who she can freely open up to. I suspect the over-eating, and now cutting, are her coping mechanisms (bad ones) - her way of dealing with the underlying problems. It's so important that they need to be identified and addressed - rather than the symptoms.

I was the same at her age (although the way I coped was different) and I became very depressed and suicidal due to bullying at school, a general fear of school and feeling unable to discuss all this with my parents. I had nowhere to turn to and no friends. At that time, I know I'd have felt very reluctant to engage with 'professionals' - strangers who aren't friends. I'd see them as threatening and wouldn't trust them. I know I'd have wanted someone neutral, and who genuinely cared for me, had time for listening and wanted to help, as an equal - not someone who was paid to 'sort me out'. I'd have probably run away if my parents had put any kind of pressure on me. Running away from stressful situations has always been my main coping strategy - amongst others. I also had a lot of meltdowns in my teens.

I also understand the feeling she has that you've betrayed her, but I'm sure she still knows you love her and did it for the best of reasons. When in such a low state, the mind doesn't think clearly and is too tied up with emotions that can't easily be expressed. I was too emotionally tied to my parents, and too confused, to talk about my feelings at that time. I'd have felt betrayed if they'd done anything 'behind my back' - even though I'd know it was done with the best intentions. This is why she needs to talk to the right kind of person. Do you know of anyone who'd be able to help in this way?

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Also is the situation worse when shes due? Do sensory issues cause her to think people are shouting at her when they aren't?

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Thanks for your replies,

she is still 12 Sally and does not have a statement, she has support from a TA in some lessons (as she says she cannot understand the teachers) but is generally doing ok academically. Although she has been struggling for many years with issues such as anxiety/tics etc it has been a battle to get her assessed and she has only been officially diagnosed about 6 months ago. My son also has AS so we recognised years ago that this was probably the correct diagnosis - but I think being a girl meant she didn't fit the criteria correctly! The school that she is at is pretty good at supporting children with ASD and her main support in school is from a TA who works specifically with children on the spectrum (and actually her background is that she was a speech and language therapist). she certainly does have sensory issues and yes Trekster she does feel people are shouting at her when they aren't. She tends to look quite 'aggressive' facially, so can put peoples backs up before she has even spoken to them. She says there are some girls at school who have told her "go and kill yourself" but refuses to name them and cannot see that if she is writing on social media that she wants to be dead the other kids will pick up on this. I know we need to identify what she is actually struggling with but I'm not sure how to go about this as she will not discuss things with anyone (except her on-line social media world) She is obsessed at the moment with youtubers and a particular actress who uses twitter, so spends a lot of time tweeting these people about how she is feeling. she also wrote an essay at school about suicide and self harm, her teacher passed it on to CAMHS, so daughter feels she has also been 'betrayed' by the teacher because she had 'told' her how she was feeling and the teacher told other people. I feel like I don't want to ban the social media as its the only insight we have into how she is feeling at any given time, but I am really concerned about who is seeing all these posts.

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Gluten and aspartame were the main causes of my sensitive hearing causing sounds to appear louder and echo in my ears. Can you get her some irlen/colorimeter lenses? Optometrists can assess for visual stress.

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Hello again.


 

"she has support from a TA in some lessons (as she says she cannot understand the teachers) but is generally doing ok academically. Although she has been struggling for many years with issues such as anxiety/tics etc it has been a battle to get her assessed and she has only been officially diagnosed about 6 months ago".

But it shouldn't be a battle. The more I read about battles with 'professionals' over diagnoses, assessments, etc. the more annoyed I become. It's just not fair!! What was done about the anxiety and tics? Something should have been done as soon as they were recognised.

" I think being a girl meant she didn't fit the criteria correctly!"

 

Well, it's high time they realised the differences between typical male and female Aspie presentations. They've no excuse. There's no point using out-moded male-type criteria alone for AS diagnosis, when around 90% of Aspie girls show the female traits. They are supposed to be professionals, after all..

"She says there are some girls at school who have told her "go and kill yourself" but refuses to name them and cannot see that if she is writing on social media that she wants to be dead the other kids will pick up on this".

Do the teachers know about this? If so, what are they doing about it? If not, then they need to know - quickly.

"I know we need to identify what she is actually struggling with but I'm not sure how to go about this as she will not discuss things with anyone (except her on-line social media world)"

This is probably because the right people don't exist in her life. I presume she did discuss these things at one time, and she's been let down and found that it's not got her anywhere, and offers of help are not of the right kind.

"She is obsessed at the moment with youtubers and a particular actress who uses twitter, so spends a lot of time tweeting these people about how she is feeling".

This might not be doing her any good, for it could be reinforcing negative/pessimistic attitudes.

"she also wrote an essay at school about suicide and self harm, her teacher passed it on to CAMHS, so daughter feels she has also been 'betrayed' by the teacher because she had 'told' her how she was feeling and the teacher told other people".

In a sense she has been betrayed! I understand how she feels. The more this kind of thing happens the less she'll trust people, and the less she'll engage. That essay may have been a cry for help, but it wasn't handled sensitively enough.

"I feel like I don't want to ban the social media as its the only insight we have into how she is feeling at any given time, but I am really concerned about who is seeing all these posts".

I'd be tempted to at least limit it, by encouraging her to do more constructive and positive things - with real live people (the family?), rather than virtual 'friends'. Anything at all that would make her life happier and more interesting. Most of all she needs someone she can safely confide in and who'll listen non-judgmentally without letting her down.

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I think there is a way of limiting who sees what she puts out on facebook/twitter or other places. Maybe ask the school computer department for advice on that? I know my daughter says that only her circle of 'friends' can see what she posts.

 

Although it sounds like the school are trying. She is just 12, and things could get worse as demands placed on her will become greater at secondary school.

 

There are independent ASD schools out there for children who are capable, but simply cannot cope mainstream. My son goes to one of the SENAD schools, Alderwasley School Hall. There is also the Priory Group and a few others.

 

My son is in a class of 5. There are two teachers, TA's and he sees the SALT and OT every week. He also has specialist teaching from a Dyslexia teacher once a week for numeracy and also for literacy. And he has even struggled there. He is on a part time timetable. School staff are now really being supportive of both my son and the family.

 

Not all the children at this school will take GCSEs' but a reasonable number do, and many go onto college and university.

 

It might be worth going to a visit to see one of these types of schools to see what is available out there.

 

Unfortunately you will need a Statement and you will need to fight for it. And IF your daughter ends up refusing school that actually works in your favour, because it means the current school placement has broken down.

 

You need professionals to be tying all these 'symptoms' together. It is all falling under ASD and Anxiety. And so the 'causes' need to be met on a holistic whole school day approach.

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thanks for your advice Sally,

she has been seen by 'crisis worker' at CAMHS who feels she has 'anxiety' issues (could have told them that 10yrs ago!!!) so is now waiting to see specialist CAMHS OT, whilst waiting for new 'level 3 CAMHS' worker to start. in meantime didn't go to school today as feeling too sick, but has been raiding fridge/freezer every opportunity today so obviously anxiety rather than physical, says will not go to school tomorrow as all the teachers hate her, and all the other children (except her 2 friends) hate her. had really good holiday at half term and she was much more relaxed and happy.

school/camhs say try to keep her going to school, but it is getting harder and harder. where do i stand if she refuses to go? i don't feel that home education is something we could really consider at the moment. when my son was having difficulties i was told by parent partnership worker that the chances of getting a statement for him locally were about nil as he was above average academically, so don't really hold out much hope with getting a statement for her either..

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had really good holiday at half term and she was much more relaxed and happy.

 

The problem clearly lies with school environment. No great surprise to me. I've come across it so often. It's such a shame that home education isn't possible. She'd flower in the right environment - as she did on holiday. I hope school won't damage her in the long term - as it did with me. We never get over it, and it haunts us daily. and affects our relationships in so many ways.

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