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McGroo

Does my girlfriend have aspergers?

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Hi there, I'm trying to figure out if and where my girlfriend is on the autistic spectrum.

The problems she has which I think are related are apparent melt-downs, mainly over food, and other things that seem trivial to me; social overload - liking being on her own reading books; feeling misunderstood by her boss and feeling like she's different to her colleagues at work, also feeling that she's not accomplishing anything at work or in life which is making her anxious and depressed.

Also sensory issues such as being startled when I handed her a torch which was switched on, sometimes finding being touched overwhelming.

She also adores animals and japanese punk bands.

I'm wondering how to broach the subject because she hates labels and people diagnosing eachother with mental disorders.

Also I would need to know whether identifying with autism/aspergers would be helpful for her.

 

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You can attend a parents/carers group about autism without her having a diagnosis. Also try contacting the National Autistic Society to see if there are any groups for parents/carers of adults on the spectrum.

Explain to her that other people may think like her and see if that helps her. She may wish to meet them. I can see why you feel she could be on the spectrum and hope you can get help for her or yourself.

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...

I'm wondering how to broach the subject because she hates labels and people diagnosing eachother with mental disorders.

...

 

 

Then don't broach the subject directly. Being labelled against her own will is very intrusive and likely to get a very defensive reaction.

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I agree with Shnoing. You have to be very delicate and patient and try to show her things she can’t deny rather than having to face the scary notion of being autistic. For instance you could try to get her to see things about that might be related to Aspergers/ASD but you don’t have to tell her that they are. Hypersensitivities are probably a good start. You could just make her aware that other people don’t have the same experiences that she is.

 

I’d also explain a bit more about labeling. Labeling is a form of judgement and judgement can be both cruel and kind. It is cruel when it is used to limit, say that you cannot do things, and that you must be something other than yourself. On the other hand it can also be used to better understand, relate, and appreciate an individual. The difference is in the accuracy and rigidity of the judgement meaning the more accurate a label is for a person the more beneficial it will be to accept it (provided other people also have an accurate understanding of the label).

 

Anyway forget about labels for the time being. Focus on a greater understanding and awareness of her as a person. Over time a label may become a useful part of that.

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McGroo you sound like a perfect boyfriend - understanding and caring and thoughtful. She is a lucky girl. There are disadvantages to dating Aspie's, as they may have their own special likes and dislikes, but if you broaden the picture doesn't everyone to some extent? Once you get to know your partner you can work to their boundaries as hopefully they work to yours. I have read debates over whether it is appropriate to label AS folk at all as they are so near the edge of the autistic spectrum as to be nearly normal. Just slightly quirky. She will likely be intelligent and loyal and caring in her own way. And you should have a down to earth and honest partner - qualities surely to be treasured? There won't be any sneaking around behind your back on her part!

 

Celebrate her for what she is, and try listing all the positives as well as the perceived negatives. She will have to come round to the idea of getting diagnosed herself and in her own time. It is a time consuming and lengthy process and the person at the centre has to be utterly committed to it and want to know the outcome. If she is not there yet then you can just read up quietly on your own and proceed without an official label for now.

 

When I told some of my friends about my (very recent) diagnosis, several of them said "yes, we've known that for years..." so having a label or not did not affect our friendships and activities.

 

There are books out there about how to work through common AS/NT issues in partnerships - NAS should be able to help with that.

 

Good luck!

Kittyx

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That's a purrrfect reply, Kitty! Full of common sense - a rare commodity.

This is so important: Celebrate her for what she is, and try listing all the positives

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