Jump to content
Louie

Where do I start......?

Recommended Posts

Hi - over time I have realised that I don't see things in the same way as others (who I consider normal).

I am very emotionally detached but massively logical and see arguments as black or white. My logical reasoning skill were "tested" in a psychometric test and are extremely high.

 

I'm mid forties and have a very well paid job etc so am able to apply myself in a work environment, I think I sort of hold back a bit....however non work relationships are difficult. I have 2 kids but the relationship broke down after 8 years....didn't evene think there were any issues and was surprised - totally out of the blue.

 

My current relationship is nearly 15 years - she seems to understand me and has pointed me in the direction of Aspergers. I approach a previous GP and was referred to a psychologist and had a 30 min session who suggested OCD - I don't agree I think I am AS.

 

However, my behaviour / approach to life is now putting strain on my relationship, this exaggerated by the return of our step son home......which has really disrupted my routine and is a constant source for me to point out what should or shouldn't be done (I know I do it but don't seem to be able to help myself) Again I'm oblivious and now surprised!! A couple of questions:

 

- would diagnosis help - ie will i be given coping techniques?

- would counselling help for me and my wife - to help her understanding

- anyone have any experience of private diagnosis - I am lucky enough to have private medical cover with mental health cover. I understand a psychologist and a psychiatrist need to be involved along with mother/father or sibling to give full insight in to childhood.

 

Appreciate any thoughts, help or suggestions

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hi louie,

 

welcome to this website.

 

i'm a relative new comer like you, so i hope you don't mind if i chip in.

 

I love the way you typed your post. it was very logically "Mr Spock" (from star trek) which is how i am too.

 

so i feel comfortable tapping in a reply to you.

 

so if i might say in spirit of maintaining that logical genre...

 

i think you are are happy with your business life?

 

you say your doing okay? pulling down the bucks, and i get the impression you can function as an earner and provider.

 

so i won't go there.

 

it seems to me though, you are worried about your logical approach to stuff, and how it fits in with your wife and the return of your step son? yes?

 

i have.. in previous lives, experienced all the situations you are describing.

 

(i don't mean re- incarnation here.. i mean previous ex'es. step kids. etc.)

 

(and felt the same you you did, pretty much exactly! :-)

 

so i'm just tapping in the reply here, cause i hope i'm qualified to reply?)

 

so ok.. i'll get down to the hub of it. the real stuff. the nitty gritty so to speak...

 

 

you've been with your wife for 15 years yes? that's a good amount of time. a woman don't hang around with a guy for 15 years, unless she sees something in you she likes?

 

that's something to hang on to. it's often difficult when an aspie dates a normal woman. it's very hard to connect sometimes, but if you've got 15 years under your belt, your ticking the boxes.

 

i imagine you probably do things she don't understand, and she does things you don't understand.

 

so turn off the logic half the time, and just do as she says, and i expect she'll do the same for you after fifteen years?

 

after 15 years if you put into the compromise balance, she'll do the same back?

 

re: your step son.

 

that is very difficult.

 

it does depend on his age, which you didn't say?

 

but since you say your mid forties, may i guess he's at least over 16 years old and probably more lightly over 18?

 

you have my total sympathy. step children are one of the biggest break up's of marriages.

 

i.e. they can't function, the natural parent feels loyalty, but the step parent thinks "what the hell? why am i being made to pay for them?"

 

you'd need to explain why he's breaking up your routines? etc. before i could even attempt to answer that one.

 

but i bet it's something that could be fixed?

 

it's just a case of knowing what's going on, what he wants, and reaching a compromise with the lad.

 

i can't comment more without receiving more info on your situation with him.

 

but i assure you, the step son problem is fixable. me and "the lad" used to despise each other for many years, but now me and him are best of mates.

 

we worked it out, so give more info, and i'll do my best to advise.

 

respectfully, all the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi...yes early 20's.

 

Problem is I am so picky over the things that get left out, moved, not tidied up or the times that I know what is happening and then suddenly it changes because of his plans....makes me really uncomfortable and I just say it as it is - I read bits of the secret guide to aspergers - you don't need to tell people their wrong even if they are...etc, but it just seems natural to me and if I see something is a problem I should raise it.....

 

However I might ask him not to do something, yet he still does it so I ask again and again and then I get pissed off and he reacts....I then find myself observing every little thing and if I see something that I would do differently I will point it out.....

 

Although I had the revelation of Aspergers about 12-18 months ago, I don't think he has bothered to look at what that means to me/how I am etc - I guess I'm the odd one out and I should adjust - but as you say - its a compromise......anyway I've bought 3 books on AS yesterday on amazon to hopefully help everyone to understand a little better albeit I'm sure his view will be I have to change.....so matters are fraught and there is regular tension.....which makes everything difficult and everyone treading on eggshells....

 

I have other examples of "problems" some of his doing, some of his mother's doing and probably some of this down to how I have made them feel...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Louie!

over time I have realised that I don't see things in the same way as others (who I consider normal).
I am very emotionally detached but massively logical and see arguments as black or white.


This sounds like typical male-type AS.

 

OCD is a common misdiagnosis, and often occurs with AS. You need a proper diagnosis by a specialist in adult AS - nothing less is good enough. I have OC traits, and in the past had full-blown OCD.

 

However, my behaviour / approach to life is now putting strain on my relationship, this exaggerated by the return of our step son home......which has really disrupted my routine and is a constant source for me to point out what should or shouldn't be done (I know I do it but don't seem to be able to help myself)

This suggests anankastic personality disorder (F60.5 in the ICD-10) - quite different from OCD, and also known as OCPD. I have a close friend who has it. This too can occur with AS, is harder to treat, but can be reduced by about a third with professional support. My friend had children, and her partner left her, due to her OCPD, and the children had to be take away to live with relatives in another country. She still sees them twice a year in her home country, and she knows it's best for them and that she can't help being the way she is. I find her OCPD difficult but she's fun too, and I'm very fond of her as a person. She's very empathic, and doesn't have AS. Are you sure the 30-minute consultation suggested OCD rather than OCPD? They are often commonly confused but are quite distinct - and their causes very different.

- would diagnosis help - ie will i be given coping techniques?

 

It certainly would, and they have a statutory duty under the Autism Act to provide support/therapy. (Yet they seem to flout this far too often where adults are concerned. It seems to be a postcode lottery)

 

- would counselling help for me and my wife - to help her understanding

 

Yes, providing it was done by someone with experience of AS (or OCPD, or both - depending on diagnosis).

 

- anyone have any experience of private diagnosis - I am lucky enough to have private medical cover with mental health cover. I understand a psychologist and a psychiatrist need to be involved along with mother/father or sibling to give full insight in to childhood.

On my GP's advice I had a private diagnosis over another issue. I wasn't all that much quicker, but I got it without any great difficulty. It involved a specialist psychiatrist, a general one and a psychotherapist and was quite a prolonged process.

Your second post:

Problem is I am so picky over the things that get left out, moved, not tidied up or the times that I know what is happening and then suddenly it changes because of his plans....makes me really uncomfortable and I just say it as it is - I read bits of the secret guide to aspergers - you don't need to tell people their wrong even if they are...etc, but it just seems natural to me and if I see something is a problem I should raise it.....

Again, classic OCPD.

ICD-10:

It is characterized by at least three of the following:

  1. feelings of excessive doubt and caution;
  2. preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedule;
  3. perfectionism that interferes with task completion;
  4. excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;
  5. excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;
  6. rigidity and stubbornness;
  7. unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;
  8. intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.

Includes:

  • compulsive and obsessional personality (disorder)
  • obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

Excludes:

  • obsessive-compulsive disorder

Try this test: http://www.psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=85&l=3

 

Even if you score high it doesn't mean you don't also have Asperger's. Good luck!

Edited by Mihaela

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks for giving more input louie,

 

those "difficult family/ extended family situations" are very distressing and hard to discuss, so I appreciate your replying, and articulating it all very concisely.

 

as usual I find Mihaela's reply factual, and I can't fault anything she says in any way.

 

(and I like the way she has emphasied at the end, that the most expensive shrink in the world, can only for all their effort, only give you their best guess.

 

understanding what is wrong with us (if indeed anything is) is just a process of doing the best estimate we can, and constantly trying to improve on that.

 

I won't touch upon the areas mihaela's addressed, because in a technical sense, I can't improve on it.

 

but going back to your reply to my post,

 

if it's ok with you, i'll reply some more to that?

 

re: your reading some books that advise that sometimes it's best not to tell people when they are wrong?

 

I completely agree.

 

the amount of times in the past I did that? and regret it.

 

perhaps in your book you might also of read it saying something about "don't sweat the small stuff?"

 

I used to sweat the small stuff.

 

i.e. I went ballistic when one of my step daughters put my favourite cd down on the table "play side down". I wish I hadn't done that. it was just a bit of plastic.

 

re: repeated asking your step son to do things, and he don't seem to listen?

 

I used to be just the same way with "the lad".

 

to me it was unphaphomable why he couldn't observe basic rules, that to me were important.

 

until one night I went over the top on it, and he broke down and cried, and said "he had so much ###### going on in his life, he couldn't remember what i ever asked him to do? cause he was too uphappy about his life."

 

that made me put it in context.

 

after that, I tamed it down, went a bit easy on him, and always asked him first how his "stuff was going?", and if there was anything I could do to help him, before I started hammering him with my needs.

 

it worked!

 

I found when i showed an interest in his stuff, he started to show an interest in mine.

 

i regret not learning that sooner, but better late than never.

 

the beauty of it louie, is with step son's it's never too late to re- establish a really good mate-ship with them.

 

step daughters are a completely different thing, but step son's are always recoverable.

 

respectfully, all the best.

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...