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Shaye

Hello, I'm new here.

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Hello Everyone

 

I am Shaye, I have a 6 year old son who has ASD. I don't get much support from anyone or any organisations I am pretty confident that this site is going to be a huge help to me :)

 

Just thought I'd introduce myself.

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welcome to the site

 

although I am a newbie like you, I have found this site to be massively helpful to me.

 

they say their is 80% chance i'm an aspie, and I've got step kids, and grandkids on the spectrum.

 

go into a bit more detail about your self and your lad, if you feel you want too, so folks can fire in decent responses.

 

you will get replies.

 

all the best.

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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Hello Shaye. I belong to a local autism group, and only last Saturday I was speaking to the father of a 7-year old girl with Asperger's who was also present. He was saying that her school does virtually nothing to support her, and it seems that this isn't unusual, even though they have a legal duty to provide support. They bend over backwards to support the needs of physically disabled children, but do very little for those with autism. It really isn't good enough and makes me angry. I've been battling for adult support for ages, and I'm getting nowhere fast. Somehow we all need a bigger voice to get ourselves heard, but how?

Good luck and don't give up, Shaye.

Edited by Mihaela

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Hey Mihaela

 

My son attends a specialist school, he is refusing to go to school this morning he has already had a meltdown I won't know the reason behind it until later that's if he decides to tell me. In terms of his school every time he is at school I feel uneasy and on edge the only time when my mind is at rest is when he is at home with me because that's the only way I can protect him. He has been attacked and hit by his classmates before which has left him in distress, instead of them calling me and asking me to collect him they've waited until the end of the day when I've collected him.

 

Thanks for replying guys, I am going to be a regular poster :)!

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I'm sorry to hear this, but it comes as no surprise. School is the main cause of unhappy children. I suffered all this in my schooldays, and it's just not right that it's still going on. Anti-bullying policies look wonderful on paper but they're routinely ignored only too often. This is what got me involved in the early home education movement long ago. There's just so much about schools that sensitive children simply can't cope with. Mainstream schools are no place for these children. It's a form of child abuse. I recently spoke to an Aspie who suffered mild sexual abuse at school, but she said it was nothing at all (no big fuss was made and she quickly got over it) compared with the hell of having to endure school, which caused the permanent damage. I too suffered the effects of school and it still haunts me.

Do they provide a quiet room for him to use at break times? They should. You need to be very strong, and insist on the necessary support and appropriate response, and get them to reassure you in writing that it won't happen again. Remind them that bullying causes permanent damage. If it continues I'd remove him to a place of safety - your home, explaining why.

Looking forward to hearing more from you here. :)

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The school he attends caters for children also with ADHD and other behavioural problems, I have pleaded for them to keep an eye on my son whilst in the classroom but they always fail to.

 

He doesn't like going outside to play at break times as it is too noisy for him, they do provide indoor play, my son has a best friend at school I have become very good friends with the child's mother also.

 

Thanks you are being very helpful, I am going to try and take my son and my 3 year old out for a walk in the park today.

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Welcome to the group. Sally44 is the best moderator to contact on your rights as a parent of autistic children.

 

if you can join your local nas group as they might have safer activities your son could join eg an out of school club (autistic children playing in a safer environment together).

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Welcome Shaye and sorry to hear about the problems your son is having at school. My son is nearly 21 now, but schooldays are still very fresh in my memory and I know what a stressful and difficult time it can be. I hope things improve for your son as he goes through school.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

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Trekster thanks for the warm welcome & advice, but I don't think that would be such a good idea, he doesn't like to play with children that he isn't familiar with, the only child he speaks and plays with whilst at school is his best friend, of course I'd love him to have a variety of different friends but he just isn't interested :(

 

Hey Oxgirl thanks also for the warm welcome I am glad you understand as 90% of the time I feel so alone. Hopefully my son will want to attend school tomorrow, I try my best not to force him into doing things.

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Hey just a quick update, my son has told me why he didn't want to go to school today, the reason was because he was scared and "don't like other kids touching or hitting him" I haven't asked him if he wants to go in tomorrow, but when I do take him back to school I am going to ask his teacher and teaching assistants if we can have a meeting, it makes me feel anxious and some what angry that my son has told me this.

 

On the whole he has had a good day at home, I watched a DVD with him and my 3 year old, and we also did some reading together, my son doesn't understand that now the clocks have gone back that it gets darker earlier so he wants his bath around this time and is usually in bed by 6.30.

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Hi Shaye, welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear you and your son are having difficulties with his school. As someone with ASD who had a terrible time at school (heavy bullying by a few pupils and most members of staff), I can relate to this. You should definitely go ahead with your plans to have a meeting with his teacher and TAs once your son returns to school. Make sure they know you feel they are letting your son down when they should be helping them. If they continue to ignore you and keep allowing other kids to hurt your son, take it to the governors. If they don't help, take it to OFSTED. Make sure the school is aware you are doing all this and hopefully they will be a bit more helpful.

Good luck

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Hi Shaye, if I may, I'd just like to offer one word of caution re. school. It is really important to try to remain on good terms with the school and to keep the lines of communication firmly open. I know feelings run extremely high and I also know, to my cost, how difficult things can get if relations break down between parents and school. Certainly have a meeting and express your concerns, but do try to keep a good working relationship with the school because that way they are much more likely to try to find ways to help you and your son. If things break down it is very hard repair and to continue working together, which is what school and home need to be doing.

 

Good luck with your meeting and I hope they reassure you that they are trying their best for your son.

 

~ Mel ~

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Thanks Laddo every time my son comes out of school distressed I always write it down in my booklet, even though it's my son who experiencing the bullying I actually feel it as well. Oxgirl I am on good terms with the school but they keep failing my child. I am going to give you a few examples.

 

The school allows the children to bring in drinks to school which they can have during lesson times - when my son asked a teaching assistant for his he was ignored, it actually turned out that another child have taken it, his teacher did offer him an alternative, which I was grateful for, but my son knows what is his.

 

Another incident - He dropped his little container of grapes on the floor and they all scattered over the floor and the teaching assistant said that it is okay to eat them (my son is a food refuser, he always comes back with his packed lunch box the way I packed it with none of the food eaten, so that day he must have been very hungry.

 

Third incident - There is a park 10 minutes away from the school which my sons class visits every Tuesday, my son needed to go to the toilet, he was taken by the teaching assistant to a secluded area of the park and told to go, the school didn't notify me of this they just told me that he got "very upset in the park" and had to be taken back to school. When I confronted them about it the next morning I was told that "They thought it would have been easier rather than take him back to school" I found that very unprofessional as well as inappropriate some one please tell me if you think I'm exaggerating.

 

Sometimes I think it would be best if I moved him to another school.

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That's good that you're recording every time your son comes home from school distressed - it might be worth showing the school to give them a better idea of how often it goes on.

 

The first two incidents you mentioned are pretty bad but the third is really bad. In fact I think the governors should know about this because that teaching assistant needs to be heavily disciplined - they clearly are not knowledgable enough about children's safety to do their job properly. Are they not aware of the danger they could have put your son in? Do they do this for every kid that needs the toilet in the park? Surely the kids must ask to use the toilet quite often while they're at the park. They can't do this every time. It does sound like they're victimising your son a bit, something I can definitely relate to.

 

Maybe it would be worth at least looking at your other options for your son's schooling? His current school does not sound like anyone there is qualified to teach children with autism

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Well they acted like it was more or less standard procedure, it happened around 2 months ago would it still be worth taking it to the governors? I wouldn't want them to think that I am being petty and making a fuss out of nothing.

 

I have been looking at a small private school that caters for children only with ASD I just need to discuss it with my partner, my main concern is that I will be taking my son away from his best friend and I don't know how he will deal with the change

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Believe me, Shaye, I know exactly how you feel. I went through exactly the same feelings as you are. I'm sorry, though, I just can't see the situations you describe in the same way as you.

 

It sounds to me like in all these cases the staff tried their best to accommodate your son, bearing in mind they have a whole class to deal with and not just him. Obviously, they can't please all the children all the time, they can only do their best. My advice to you would be to pick your battles. If you start becoming very petty and picking up on every little thing that you feel they have done 'wrong' then there will end up with a lot of bad feeling between yourself and the school, which can only be detrimental to your son. I am saying this as someone who has been through it. I had so much fury and resentment towards my son's school that by the end of the time he was there I was a complete wreck. My whole day was spent with me wracked with stress, anxiety and continual fretting. I'm not saying the school didn't deserve some of this anger directed towards them, but it did no good. That's why I'm always wary now when people are advised to go in 'all guns blazing', because I know the consequences will not be beneficial for your son.

 

If you can, try to keep a sense of perspective. Battle and fight for the big things but let the little things go. The trouble is that the more you wind yourself up about things the more the little things seem enormous and in the end they will engulf and overwhelm you until they overtake you, like happened to me.

 

I'm just advising caution is all. My honest feeling is that if he was in the park and desperate for the loo and he didn't think he could make it back to school they maybe thought they were doing the right thing by trying to get him to go in the park rather than wetting himself. Maybe they were trying to do the best they could for him. And how was the teaching assistant to know that someone had taken his drink? You say the teacher offered him another, what else could they do? Also, don't forget a lot of this is your son's perspective on a situation. He may have felt the TA was ignoring him but really she could have been busy dealing with another situation or finding out what had happened to his drink but he just felt ignored. If you were to write these all down and present them to the governors as evidence that the school is letting down your son you could be setting up deep resentment in the staff who will feel overly criticised and will then look on your son unfavourably.

 

Hope some of that helps.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited by oxgirl

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Oxgirl you don't have to apologise it's fine :)

 

I am not the type to go in all guns blazing, I actually find it hard to confront his teachers and teaching assistants.

 

I am just annoyed that the things I have stated have upset my son and caused him distress. I am thinking how these things can be prevented in the future.

 

Maybe I could send him with two drinks so if one goes missing he has another one?

In regards to Tuesday trips in the park, I could tell him to make sure that he uses the bathroom before he goes to the park and if he does need to go whilst in the park it's okay for him to go without me being there?

 

Do you think that will help and avoid him getting upset?

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Personally I would still be worried about your child being encouraged to go to the toilet in public by someone who is supposed to be looking after him. It seems a bit odd

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Laddo since that incident my son has spent Tuesday park time at school.

 

I don't know if sometimes you feel the same way, but when I tell people certain things they make it seem like I am exaggerating then it gives me the kind of illusion that I am exaggerating, but in my head I know that I'm not.

 

I am not going to raise these issues with the governors just incase they think I'm being petty and difficult like Oxgirl said. My main concern is my son not getting upset and distressed whilst at school.

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Having read through all the latest posts, I'd tend to uneasily agree with Oxgirl, for I can't escape from the fact that your son is getting upset by these small incidents. You know better than the teachers. You see what he's like at home; they don't - and if his school life is unsettling him, then it's the teachers who need to better understand his needs.

Does he have meltdowns? If so, what form do they take? Does he have them at school, at home or both? If he appears to cope with these incidents well at school, then the staff won't be taking much notice of him, and may start assuming you're being 'too protective' (a common accusation of school authorities, usually unfounded). If he was to have a noisy, disruptive meltdown at school, they'd take far more notice. All my own meltdowns took place at home, after a day of stress and bullying at school, but I was too ashamed (?confused) to tell my parents about what was going on. It was like a dark secret, and much to my regret I only told them long after I'd left school. At least your son tells you what is upsetting him, so you're in a far better position to understand him and take any necessary action. If it came to sending him to another school couldn't he still see his friend out of school?

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Mihaela

 

Yes he has meltdowns he will scream and cry, cover his ears and run around the house. He doesn't have them at school but he does cry and get very distressed at school, that is what is upsetting me. He woke pretty early this morning I asked him if he would like to go to school and he said he does because he misses his best friend. I discussed changing schools with my partner late last night he just said "ok go and look at some others" so that's what intend to do. I know changing schools is going to unsettle my son as he doesn't like change it is going to be difficult to make him understand that he soon will no longer be attending his current school, I don't have any ideas on how to tell him - the new school I hope to send him to is about a 50 minute drive, the one he is at now is 30 minutes. In answer to your question he could still see his best friend out of school I would have to discuss this with his mother as it is going to have an effect on him too.

 

Just hoping that my son has a good day at school today and there are no incidents, I will update you all nearer to the end of the day.

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The sad fact is that school is a stressful place for AS children, ANY school. It is impossible to ensure that a child with AS is never upset whilst at school. Of course, you want to minimise distress and talking to him about how he can find ways to help himself are important too. Think very seriously about moving your son. If he has a friend at the school where he is, that is extremely valuable. My son never had a friend. If you do move him, it could be that the stress and anxiety of moving to a different school that is much further away could make things even worse. At his new school there will also be things that upset him, because school is stressful for children with AS. You will not find a school where he is NEVER upset. If I were you I would work with the school where he is currently to try to minimise his stress and find ways for him to be as settled as he can be.

 

Also, I would not ask him if he wants to go to school. If you ask him if he wants to go and he says no, what do you do? I would set up a positive attitude towards school and impress on him the expectation that he goes every day, making him feel positive about the experience too. If things come along that do upset him, which they will, work with him to find ways with his helpers at school to make them better next time. If you run away from this school who knows that the new one will be better. You'll have taken him from his one friend and you may regret it, especially as he is still so young and right at the beginning of his school career. I would seriously give his school the chance to find ways to improve things, with your input and advice.

 

~ Mel ~

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Evening all

 

Just another update, my son didn't have a very good day at school today, he refused to speak or listen to any of his teachers, he practically thought it was okay to do his "own thing" all day today. I don't know where this has stemmed from he is usually well behaved but I can admit once he a while he has his "off days" since collecting him he has been very stroppy he didn't want to get out of the car and come into the house, but eventually he did, and just basic other little thing refusing to take his coat and shoes off, then asking to go to "nannies house" (my mums house) I did try and explain to him that he hasn't had a good day at school so he can't go and visit nan, I am trying my best to be firm with him and not give in to him (usually I would have taken him to my mums house)

 

My partner come home early from work today and has gone against my wishes and taken him for a drive, which I'm not happy about.

 

Oxgirl

 

I think you are completely right about me not changing schools so I am going to leave him at the school he is at and try my best to work with the teachers, you are also right about me asking him if he wants to go to school or not, if he said no this morning I would have probably kept him off, I do have problems disciplining him which I am trying to work on, I am very over protective of him and I do wrap him up in cotton wool.

 

I'm 26 years of age and I never thought I'd have a child with special needs maybe if he wasn't special needs I would be able able to deal with "bad behaviour differently)

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Don't put yourself down, Shaye, you are trying your very best and it isn't easy, I know. Try and stay positive and accept that there will be bad days but hopefully you and the school can work together to make things better as time goes on. You are very young and it is tough. I was 30 when I had my lad, but I still wasn't prepared to deal with everything that was thrown at me, so you are doing a great job. Stay strong, keep being firm with him. He is still very young too and has many years of schooling ahead so don't wear yourself out with fretting too early, you're in it for the long game. Take the good days but try not to panic when there are not so good days, it doesn't mean things won't improve in time just try and keep as positive and tough as you can and try not to let the set-backs get you down too much.

 

Hope he has a better day tomorrow and well done for not giving in to him.

 

~ Mel ~

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I am pretty furious at the moment, my son was bitten by another child in school today, it happened mid morning and they didn't call me and notify me about it, he was still teary eyed and shaken up at home time. When asked what would be happening to the other child I was told "his mother isn't here to collect him yet but we will be speaking to her when she does come"

 

Am I wrong to think the child should have been sent home? I am sick and tired of the same child thinking it is okay to keep bullying my son I believe he is only doing it because he knows he won't hit back.

 

How long are they going to let this child get away with bullying my son?

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Certainly I would explain your upset and concern to the teacher, Shaye, first thing in the morning and ask what they are doing to make sure this does not happen again. It is unacceptable and you need them to reassure your son that they will protect him. Ask for a meeting to discuss the incident and find out what measures the school are taking to prevent further incidents like this. This is what I meant about picking your battles and saving your energy for the big stuff; this is the big stuff and bullying and attacks on your child must not be tolerated.

 

Hope the school can reassure you that they are taking this very seriously.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited by oxgirl

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Oxgirl Hello!

 

Me and my partner have both decided that my son will not be returning back to his current school, like I previously said there has been too many incidents involving the same child. The only way I would consider sending him back is if they permanently excluded the child that is bullying my child.

 

As a mother I am suppose to be able to protect my child which I can't do if I send him back to the same school. I have been on the phone to his best friends mum and we are going to make sure we all keep in touch, we have arranged to meet up on Saturday.

 

I feel relieved that I will no longer have to worry whether I will find bruising on my sons body when we get home from school.

 

I have searched a few schools and I am determined to find the right one for him. I have told my son that he will be going to a new school but he doesn't really understand.

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Hello, Shaye.

The only way I would consider sending him back is if they permanently excluded the child that is bullying my child.

 

In my long experience with schools and bullying, this happens very rarely. I've found that schools only too often treat the bullied victim as the 'misfit' who must adapt. 'Misfits' (as they are often spoken of in staff rooms) are seen a threat to the smooth running of the school. It's a very different case if the bully bullies more than one child though. Anti-bullying policies look good on paper, but often that's about all. Some schools are very good at sticking to their policies but most don't seem to have the victim's interests at heart.

As a mother I am suppose to be able to protect my child which I can't do if I send him back to the same school.

Exactly! And the school, acting 'in loco parentis' should be doing the same, but the reality is usually very different.

I feel relieved that I will no longer have to worry whether I will find bruising on my sons body when we get home from school.

 

And I should think so too! It's just not on that the school has allowed this to continue. When I was at school I became so afraid of my parents seeing my bruises that they never ever saw me undressed or in a swimsuit or shorts since I was 11 or 12. I kept my bullying a dark secret for many years. I felt ashamed. How wrong I was, but sadly children often do feel shame when they feel 'inadequate' or 'different'. I've known very many like this.

I hope you soon find a school better suited for him, and it's good that he'll still be seeing his friend.

Edited by Mihaela

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Thanks Mihaela

 

It is going to be very difficult for him to adapt to the change of going to a new school, I have spoken about it today I've told him we will go and visit and if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to go there.

 

But on the whole today has been okay, no melt downs :) we went for a walk this afternoon.

 

Another thing I am concerned he has told me he keeps hearing things in his head and ears, is this part of the ASD?

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It's good that he's had a peaceful day without meltdowns - and peaceful for you too. :)

I think the transition to a new school should be made very gradually, beginning with no more than a couple of hours at a time, and if possible with you present. There must be a quiet place for him to 'escape' to whenever he feels he needs to.

 

As for hearing things, if I was a doctor I'd ask these questions. What kind of noises are they, and how often? How long has it been going on for? Is it becoming more frequent? Any particular time of day? Does anything seem to be triggering this? How does he react when this happens? I'd get him to tell you every time it happens, keep a record, and visit the doctor if it continues or gets worse.

No, as far as I know, hearing things is not part of an ASD. You say he hears them in his head and ears, so I assume he knows that they aren't coming from the environment around him. Is he on any kind of medication? This can be a side effect of certain stimulants used to treat depression and ASD's. It can also be a symptom of PTSD - but rarely.

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It has been going on for a while now he has complained of "banging" "plate smashing" "screaming" "laughing" he also complains of a bad person named "Christopher" who tells him to hit his younger brother, or hit me, or break thing but my son says "I won't listen because it's bad" he covers his ears when he hears things and cries and it's only sometimes he will tell me what he is hearing, it can happen at any time of the day. And nothing seems to trigger it, I have told my partner but he said "it's part of his condition his too young to have a mental illness. He isn't on any kind if medication.

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I don't believe this is part of his condition, but is more likely a co-existing problem possibly exacerbated by his condition. It could be due to stress (which he clearly has suffered) or physical trauma to his head. Has he ever been hit on the head or had bruises around his head or face? There are other causes. I agree that he's much too young to have a psychosis.

 

This link may be helpful (although it mainly applies to older children/teenagers):

http://www.handsonscotland.co.uk/topics/unusual/voices.html

Here's another:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/206489.stm

You really do need to see a specialist about this.

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If he's hearing voices he definitely needs to see a specialist. Hallucinations are not a normal trait of autism so he could be experiencing childhood schizophrenia. I know it must be very worrying, but the sooner he sees a specialist the sooner he can begin treatment and get support.

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