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soraya

Finding Christmas difficult

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I am wondering if there are any other mums that find Christmas such a challenge. Nick is now 21' but still spends all of Christmas on his own in his room, he will not sit down to dinner with the family, or socialise at all. I have now got to the point that I don't even try to pursuade him to join in anymore, I just find it so sad, and every year I hope it will be different, but it never is!!

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I am like this all the time around Christmas. its not that I do not want to communicate I just find it difficult, and the Christmas time I do not know why but it feels more stressful at Christmas I think it is because people have a set view on how you need to communicate with someone, not only that but I find the decorations to much to cope with that would send me into sensory overloads. I also find that Christmas is more busier than any other time of the year. I am 24 years old and being on my own is not so stressful. Actually when I had to stay for Christmas at familys I would need my Me time because I find it stressful I need to calm down in my room doing whatever I want to do

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Christmas is very hard for people like your son. It can be just as hard for you. He obviously hates the whole hustle-bustle associated with Christmas. I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions.

 

1) How many other people do you invite around for Christmas?

2) Do you know what Nick does in his room? (If you don't, don't try and find out yet)

3) What kind of stuff do you serve at Chirstmas dinner?

4) Do you do presents? If you do, how do you go about doing it?

 

If you answer these, I think I can give you a quite direct answer on how to help with Christmas. It's quite apparent this is causing you distress. I feel for you, it's not nice to see a Christmas that's meant to be fun and joyful be wasted on unhappiness.

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kat your questions I still find it overwhelming Christmas. We like doing our own thing and finding decorations and socialising can be too much for me so I relate totally to nick just let him do what he wants then he will be hapy otherwise it will stress them out. A lot of us have sensory issues and I do especially the decorations but with the food he may want to eat what he likes to eat so try that as a new food can be difficult for us.

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Nick is now 21' but still spends all of Christmas on his own in his room, he will not sit down to dinner with the family, or socialise at all. I have now got to the point that I don't even try to pursuade him to join in anymore, I just find it so sad, and every year I hope it will be different, but it never is!!

 

So sorry to hear this, but it has similarities with many of my own Christmases with my family. I can empathise with both of you. As a child I enjoyed Christmas and generally still do. Since my mother died in 2012, I've spent Christmasses just with my cats quite happily but also thinking a lot about the past - and what could have been if only my parents had known that I had AS.

At least you (presumably) know Nick is on the spectrum. I imagine he finds Christmas too full of sensory overload. I did, when it came to visitors and TV, etc. I've always enjoyed the decoration and food though. If the house got too busy, I'd go and 'hide' on my own for hours enjoying my presents. More recently, when it was only me and my mum, and when I was suffering from depression, I'd stay around in the same room, but for much of the time I'd be using a computer - watching music videos, making posts, saving pictures, playing games, etc. In a way modern technology has helped aspies, but it must be sad for their parents.

Have you any idea why he doesn't even sit down to dinner with the family? If he used to do it, what's made him change? Maybe he's expected to socialise more than he is able. Maybe he finds there's just too much going on. Try gently asking him about this without causing him to be defensive or stressed.

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Special, sorry, that was directed at Soraya, but yeah I get it. Christmas is hard for me too so I stay alone. I usually have cereal on Christmas :P About Nick, he should do what he want, but it might be a bit helpful to know, because it's unfair for Soraya. I know that its a time where sensory overload can happen a lot, but Soraya clearly puts in a lot of effort for a Christmas, only to be rejected. All illness aside, it's hard when you try hard to do something right and it all fails. Nick must mean a lot to Soraya because she gets upset and feels hurt when her own son doesn't want to spend time with her. (Obviously for different reasons but you still feel hurt) And of course, it is different for everyone, but the same in many ways, so that's why we all talk about it, right?

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soraya is not being rejected. If nick wants to be on his own, let him because he feels comftable if its disturb it will only just distress nick.

 

just thought it would help coming from another autistic

Edited by Special_talent123

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He sorta is without realising it. Nick doesn't want to hurt his mother, but he is hurting her.

 

"I just find it so sad, and every year I hope it will be different, but it never is!! "

 

means that Soraya is upset by Nick's actions, even if Nick didn't want to upset Soraya. We all have different ways of resolving things, lets see what Soraya has to say herself, and then maybe we can decide what to do, if anything at all. Leaving Nick alone might be the best solution.

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Its not just Christmas, all times where too many people are present, and expectations are too high.

Its best to find a work around, I worked most of my life, so ways around were found.

 

Even for the more able amongst those on the Autistic Spectrum, the future is always a challenge.

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My experience is that almost every family has some relative or in-law who insists that Christmas is done in a traditional way when it comes to food, celebrations, or the Father Christmas nonsense. If they don't have their way then they are devastated as it is no longer a proper Christmas.

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My son is the same. He is 14 and spends most of his time upstairs in his bedroom. And I completely understand the feeling of 'not even attempting to get him downstairs'. BUT I think we do still have to try because nobody gets to what they want and how they want ALL the time. I suppose it all depends on the functioning level of the child and whether there is any chance of achieving the goal compared to the complete stress and emotional turmoil of everyone during a holiday period??? Have you tried spending some time with him upstairs??

 

This year my daughter has had a puppy, so we have toilet training with newspaper everywhere.

 

My son has contamination OCD as well as Autism, so having this new puppy in the house is a real challenge for him.

 

I too would like my son to spend more time downstairs with the rest of the family.

 

I've bought a tablet in the sales, and am hoping that he will 'agree' to play some of the games on it, with the provision that he does that downstairs. Fingers crossed.

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I have a similar outlook on life. I very much enjoy spending a lot of time by myself in my own room and not strictly socialising. That's not to say that I don't spend any time with my family. We'll usually have a Christmas dinner and then a family meetup. I usually just like spending time with my immediate family rather than what you may call my extended family. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's more that I feel awkward meeting up with them and speaking with them, not to mention feeling it obligatory to give thanks for the gifts which I am usually grateful for, yet find it incredibly awkward to express it so.

 

Since I'm far lower on the scale for Autism than most people, I feel I manage with it far better than many others but this isn't saying much. My isolation is to my household and not my room, and my social anxiety only really reaches to the family outside of my own house rather than my family as a whole. I wouldn't be able to suggest what would be best, but I really hope that you do manage to involve him a little more and that everything gets better for both you and him.

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Hi everyone, sorry for the late reply, well we survived Christmas and the new year, with lots of arguments!! Nick spent all of Christmas day in his room, and had dinner 3 hours after everyone else, he always says he doesn't feel hungry, but I know he finds it difficult sitting at the table with everyone. He says it always ends up with arguments so he avoids it by being on his own. We always do presents after I come home from midnight mass, as he is usually asleep till late Christmas day, and he prefers it to be just me and him. 6 weeks ago we had to have the dog put to sleep, and Nick has taken it very badly, so im sure it made things even harder for him. Lets hope this year is a better one!!

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What a shame that it ends up with arguments. I'm guessing these are due the difference between NT and AS thinking styles. Maybe if you know or can identify the triggers, these arguments could be avoided. I've done this with a friend on the spectrum. We had what I can only call disagreements, rather than arguments, for I sensed that she knew she wasn't being reasonable, but couldn't help being so. She was diagnosed with AS, but I now believe this to be incorrect for she has the classic traits of PDA - a common error for PDA has only recently been widely recognised. Handling PDA is very different to handling AS and not as easy. It's also common to have a mixture of AS and PDA traits, and I can see episodes in my own life that point to a slight PDA tendency. Our reactions to demands made by others can vary enormously, but avoiding people by staying alone is one of them.

 

I can remember several family events (often around Christmas) where I was pretty unsocial - even with my parents. I kept out the way looking at my presents. There was a period of a few years when I was afraid of arguments. Terrified of them, and usually we'd all end of crying. I now know that they were due to my parents not being able to understand how I saw the world (they never knew I had AS, but knew I was 'different' and 'fragile'). Sometimes I'd feel it was my fault for creating a tense/unhappy Christmas - but now I know that it wasn't; I couldn't help it. This is how I see my friend. She can't help it, so I make big allowances for her.

As for last Christmas, I spent it alone, saw nobody, had no visitors, but was perfectly content. (If I'd have gone to my cousin's I'd have been stressed after the first hour and feeling eager to get back home - yet would be 'trapped' there for another seven hours!). I never thought that I'd be happy spending Christmas or New Year alone, and it came as a pleasant surprise and I suspect it was due to my AS. For me Christmas is a time of memories of happier times with my family - especially childhood Christmasses. If I'd chosen to, I'd have broken down crying many times (instead of only a couple - caused by certain music), but I kept myself very busy cooking, baking, arranging decorations and playing with the cats. Everything had to be the same as always in every little detail (probably due to my 'protective' OCD).

Have you thought of getting another dog to keep Nick company? I couldn't manage without animals around me.

Edited by Mihaela

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We do have two other dogs, but the one who died was Nicks, and is constant companion from when he was 10, so he is really feeling the pain. I am very interested in PDA, I have often thought Nick has this as he argues about everything!!

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arguments can be a communication difficulty not able to express what mean so get frustrated and has a uncontrollable meltdown.

 

I also relate to the dog, i had a best friend he was the one could help me communicate i dont know how but i am talking more because of him. He is grieving for his friend.

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