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Lessa

Hi everyone, I'm new as well!

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Let me start by saying that I’m feeling incredibly nervous, so nervous that I feel a little sick and I need to take many deep breaths to even start. And I’m not starting by directly posting it onto the website, no, I’m writing in WORD, to get an idea of what I want to write or not write or whether I will in the end really post it.

I don’t have friends, not a single friend that I could call closer than an acquaintance and good acquaintance. I have a couple of people I can go to the restaurant with or to a museum/art gallery from time to time. The restaurant I like because I know it (it’s always the same), the trip to London for a day out can be very stressful. It’s not even the fact that I’m away from home or with a lot of people in the city. After all, there I have the anonymity that I need to feel secure. It’s the thought of going there before I leave home that scares me most. It’s the feeling that I won’t be able to do what I usually do, that I won’t be able to think the same way and I have to concentrate on someone else rather than myself and my stuff that I so love doing. I don’t like to walk in the cold and feel that I can’t hide myself if I need to. That people stare at me and may think I’m a weirdo. I’m also worried people don’t take me seriously, find me rude or tactless. That people find out who I really am. Now the question is: Who am I? I don’t really know myself so what do I think people see in me? Likewise, I don’t know.

When there are people who eventually show more interest in me than on the usual acquaintance level, I feel suffocated and need to liberate myself and escape. Back to loneliness, back to my home and safety.

I love driving though, I love to drive my car – it must be mine or I feel uncomfortable and insecure. I could drive forever on country roads but I hate motorways. I still use them if I have to. It sometimes takes me ages to decide to take a trip to a place further away, sometimes because of the motorways or A-roads, however, often due to all the people who may criticise me for being there. What if I hesitate while driving looking for my way and they beep at me? What if I park in the wrong space and they shout at me (which has happened before). I can’t stand being criticised or being talked to firmly. I feel people as rude and intolerant. I’m scared of people as if they were a different species and I was xenophobic. I’m not xenophobic when it comes to races; I’m xenophobic because I don’t feel myself as normal and the other people as too normal.

I usually keep telling myself that people probably don’t even see me, don’t think of me as more than another person in the street. This usually helps a bit. I also take my camera and pretend I’m just an observer, not a participant. The camera protects me because no-one usually talks to me when I’m just quick enough to take a picture and leave. This is even more the case if I’m on a party or sit-in with colleagues from work where I then have to get up and take pictures of all of them. They are surprised, they don’t understand that I do it to escape… I have nothing to say to most of them. I’m embarrassed to be me at times and sometimes I simply think that I belong to another planet.

I can’t stand neither shopping, chatting nor gossiping. I can’t do role-defined stuff, don’t understand why women are so incredibly emotional and cry all so much in public. However, I can’t understand men and their attitude towards women, either. I’m neither woman nor man. I’m in between things.

 

I'm very sensitive to noise in the street, although, it's selectively annoying and painful, e.g. I don't mind children playing and yelling, I do mind, on the other hand, cars and the smell due to pollution. I, therefore, hardly ever walk to places in my area as it makes me incredibly tired and feel stressed. I despise the noise in my classroom at work, being a teacher and having two classrooms adjacent and I can hear the other teachers yell. In these moments I can't concentrate and I can even feel aggressive and I have to make sure I keep myself under control for the sake of my students in front of me who, by the way, don't bother me at all. I love every single child and would do everything for them to feel safe in my classroom. That's the professional me, I'm not myself, I'm playing a role, the responsible role of a teacher and I love my job and spend most of the time working.

 

For your information, I'm not diagnosed as anything but have been digging deeply and have come to the conclusion I must be on the spectrum. Every single step that I take in life, all the anxieties that I have and haven't mentioned here and my adolescence that I spent either in isolation or drunk in some night club, all indicates that there's always been something different about myself. I even tried and moved away from home attempting to escape my own self, tried travelling but naturally it didn't work. It made me feel even more insecure and completely out of my comfort zone. However, I never figured out what it was. Only now that I have suspected my son to be on the spectrum (and having found out that my dad has Asperger), I realise that I show all the signs of a person with Asperger as well. Actually, some things are getting worse as I'm getting older whereas others are more under control. I, for example, now know how to calm myself down when in distress which is a very big plus. On the other side, I can not take the risk of even thinking about a friend or partner or making new acquaintances.

 

Well, that has cost me lots of effort to post this and I'm still nervous. As I've come so far in writing it all out, I better send it and don't delete it as I would probably do if I didn't pull myself together as I'm trying to keep the finger off the delete button. :) Gosh, even little things are so complicated in my life!!!

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It's all a struggle trying to work out who you are, but once you have then everything starts to clarify and appear a little easier to take. Knowing that you struggle with a disorder is cause to understand who you are and why you act in certain ways. When I got my diagnosis, I realised that this technically made me different which kind of confirmed what I felt I already knew, but it made me realise that I now technically have something that I can resort to, something that explains myself.

 

And I’m not starting by directly posting it onto the website, no, I’m writing in WORD, to get an idea of what I want to write or not write or whether I will in the end really post it.

 

I've done this before, quite recently, for a specific situation. When I thought of it, I realised that this was an easy way to ensure that I get the words down exactly as I wanted them to be. That being said, I'd like to assure you that you don't particularly need to concern yourself about the wording of your posts on here. As far as I'm aware, nobody really ever criticises anybody else on here, so I guess you can consider it a safe haven of a kind.

 

I wouldn't know for sure what else to say, but I will say that a diagnosis is quite imperative to getting to know yourself a little more, and it will likely also give you an idea of how severe your AS is. I'd recommend it but I wouldn't be able to tell you who the best person to talk to would be, since I was technically diagnosed in what you'd probably call a pediatric clinic, so I don't know how it is for adults.

 

Finally, there should be some AS groups that you'd be able to join, should you get yourself a diagnosis (and perhaps some that accept you even without one, though I'm not too sure about that). If you're looking for people to talk to then I'd recommend looking there. There are also some for parents of children with AS which you might find helpful. These groups might be specific to certain areas but I'd recommend looking, regardless.

 

 

I wish you luck with it all, and if you want to talk then just send me a message. I know there are many other people on here that would be more than willing to speak with you as well.

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It's all a struggle trying to work out who you are, but once you have then everything starts to clarify and appear a little easier to take. Knowing that you struggle with a disorder is cause to understand who you are and why you act in certain ways. When I got my diagnosis, I realised that this technically made me different which kind of confirmed what I felt I already knew, but it made me realise that I now technically have something that I can resort to, something that explains myself.

 

 

 

I've done this before, quite recently, for a specific situation. When I thought of it, I realised that this was an easy way to ensure that I get the words down exactly as I wanted them to be. That being said, I'd like to assure you that you don't particularly need to concern yourself about the wording of your posts on here. As far as I'm aware, nobody really ever criticises anybody else on here, so I guess you can consider it a safe haven of a kind.

 

I wouldn't know for sure what else to say, but I will say that a diagnosis is quite imperative to getting to know yourself a little more, and it will likely also give you an idea of how severe your AS is. I'd recommend it but I wouldn't be able to tell you who the best person to talk to would be, since I was technically diagnosed in what you'd probably call a pediatric clinic, so I don't know how it is for adults.

 

Finally, there should be some AS groups that you'd be able to join, should you get yourself a diagnosis (and perhaps some that accept you even without one, though I'm not too sure about that). If you're looking for people to talk to then I'd recommend looking there. There are also some for parents of children with AS which you might find helpful. These groups might be specific to certain areas but I'd recommend looking, regardless.

 

 

I wish you luck with it all, and if you want to talk then just send me a message. I know there are many other people on here that would be more than willing to speak with you as well.

 

Hi,

Thanks a lot for your kind reply. I see the need to get diagnosed as well but I'm not sure I have the nerve to do so at this stage. I think it's the GPs who refer you to other people but being me makes it almost impossible to communicate about myself. Emotions all over the place and unable to express what's going on in my head. Last time I went there I was there for depressions that I have at times (well, many times) but couldn't express myself so that they didn't take it seriously, gave me a pack of antidepressants and wished me good luck. Maybe I just write everything down next time and ask them to read it.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your kind advice and time. :)

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Hi Lessa and welcome. That was a very thoughtful first post, and if it helps to write out what you're going to say in advance and having a think about it before posting, why not? :)

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Hello, Lessa! Welcome :)

I don’t have friends, not a single friend that I could call closer than an acquaintance and good acquaintance.

I was like that for years, but somehow over the past couple of years I've managed to acquire a few good friends and one very special friend - people often assume we're partners. Maybe we are; we don't really know, for we can't see things from the NT viewpoint (and wouldn't want to). So please don't ever give up hope.

The restaurant I like because I know it (it’s always the same), the trip to London for a day out can be very stressful.

I can identify with the comfort and security you find in sameness. I used to go to the beautiful and unique Russian Tea Room in Skipton. It was like a sanctuary for me from the bustling town and was a great loss when it had to close. 'Busyness' stresses me out - and that means all towns. With a friend I can cope a lot better. I used to work in London. Looking back, I don't know how I managed for as long as I did.

It’s not even the fact that I’m away from home or with a lot of people in the city. After all, there I have the anonymity that I need to feel secure. It’s the thought of going there before I leave home that scares me most.

I like the anonymity of crowds, but not the bustle and noise that comes with it. I prefer the anonymity of walking in wild places - the woods, moors and fields on my doorstep. I understand what you say about the 'thought of going there' very well. The thought of any change from my routine worries me, and often I rely on others to make any big decisions for me. I just can't handle the stress.

It’s the feeling that I won’t be able to do what I usually do, that I won’t be able to think the same way and I have to concentrate on someone else rather than myself and my stuff that I so love doing.

It took me a long time to realise that a true friend wouldn't mind this. They'd just accept you as the way you are. I can only truly be myself with my few friends. I can easily get absorbed in my many special interests, but since I acquired these friends, I spend less time on my interests. Sometimes I feel bad about that!

I don’t like to walk in the cold and feel that I can’t hide myself if I need to. That people stare at me and may think I’m a weirdo.

Poor thing :( I don't voluntarily go out in the cold, and for years I'd almost 'hibernate' indoors over the winter - only going out for necessities and then rushing back as quickly as possible. With a close friend I no longer do that, for she's quite demanding of my time - which I think is good for me. We enjoy our winter walks and keep warm. We don't mind being stared at for there's a certain strength in being a pair of weirdos. On my own I feel very vulnerable, but with her we're too busy with each other to care about what others think. (Meeting her has made me realise how much fun was lacking in my life).

I’m also worried people don’t take me seriously, find me rude or tactless. That people find out who I really am.

 

I hope most people take me seriously - and I think they do. Over the years, I've gradually become more socially adaptable than I was - but it's been a long, slow process involving much suffering. I still make silly mistakes though which can be embarrassing, but I care less nowadays. My friend is often rude and tactless with people (we laugh about it!), and has a harder job of finding real friends.

Now the question is: Who am I? I don’t really know myself so what do I think people see in me? Likewise, I don’t know.

 

We should all try to understand ourselves. Unfortunately many of us don't try or even think about it. Yo clearly do. Until we truly know and accept who we are, we can't be at ease with ourselves. There'll always be an unsettling feeling within us, but the more we learn the less unsettling it becomes. We never stop learning about ourselves and I've learn more in the last few years than in the decades before. It's been liberating.

When there are people who eventually show more interest in me than on the usual acquaintance level, I feel suffocated and need to liberate myself and escape. Back to loneliness, back to my home and safety.

Yes! Same here. I'm scared of this happening and go to great lengths to avoid it. However, I'm not longer lonely. I don't only have my special interests and cats to keep me company. I have people, especially one, who enjoy my company - and me, theirs.

I love driving though, I love to drive my car – it must be mine or I feel uncomfortable and insecure. I could drive forever on country roads but I hate motorways. I still use them if I have to.

I no longer drive (originally due to hypoglycaemia), but this is exactly what I did for years. I really enjoy exploring the rural areas - but hate motorways with a vengeance - although I've used them many times. I'd sometimes make very long inefficient diversions all over the country through countless obscure villages. I have an obsession for maps too - the larger the scale the better - and I read them like books!

It sometimes takes me ages to decide to take a trip to a place further away, sometimes because of the motorways or A-roads, however, often due to all the people who may criticise me for being there. What if I hesitate while driving looking for my way and they beep at me? What if I park in the wrong space and they shout at me (which has happened before).

Familiar old memories springing up here :)

I can’t stand being criticised or being talked to firmly. I feel people as rude and intolerant. I’m scared of people as if they were a different species and I was xenophobic. I’m not xenophobic when it comes to races; I’m xenophobic because I don’t feel myself as normal and the other people as too normal.

 

Very well put. It's the existential aspie dilemma. By 'people' I presume you mean neurotypical people - what I used to call the 'adult world' before I realised I had AS. Such an alien world, where we are observers ever struggling to make sense of it. What, though, is 'normal'? Must 'normal' always equate with what is right or good? I hardly think so.

 

I usually keep telling myself that people probably don’t even see me, don’t think of me as more than another person in the street. This usually helps a bit. I also take my camera and pretend I’m just an observer, not a participant. The camera protects me because no-one usually talks to me when I’m just quick enough to take a picture and leave.

For years I wished I was invisible. Sometimes I still pretend I am, walking along a street looking downwards, avoiding faces. I've never even looked in a mirror since I was about 14. I'd never thought about it before but I've used cameras in that way too.

This is even more the case if I’m on a party or sit-in with colleagues from work where I then have to get up and take pictures of all of them. They are surprised, they don’t understand that I do it to escape… I have nothing to say to most of them. I’m embarrassed to be me at times and sometimes I simply think that I belong to another planet.

 

I find these kind of social events very, very stressful and avoid them as far as possible. I'd often feel like melting into a dark corner of the room. I also find myself stimming and must look a real idiot sometimes. You're far from being alone. At one time I thought it was just me.

 

I can’t stand neither shopping, chatting nor gossiping. I can’t do role-defined stuff, don’t understand why women are so incredibly emotional and cry all so much in public. However, I can’t understand men and their attitude towards women, either. I’m neither woman nor man. I’m in between things.

Yes! Me again, totally. Shopping alone invites panic attacks for me. Luckily I do most of my shopping here with my friend when my stress levels are much lower. I only enjoy serious talking unless I'm with her, when we behave like silly children a lot of the time! Gender confusion is common among aspies. Neither of us fit the standard gender mould.

 

I'm very sensitive to noise in the street, although, it's selectively annoying and painful, e.g. I don't mind children playing and yelling, I do mind, on the other hand, cars and the smell due to pollution. I, therefore, hardly ever walk to places in my area as it makes me incredibly tired and feel stressed.

Me again! When I walk to the town alone, I avoid the quickest route (along a busy road). Instead I go the long way through the woods, across a golf course, over a river, through a large interesting cemetery and a park. Well worth it to avoid traffic noise, but it takes over twice as long.

I despise the noise in my classroom at work, being a teacher and having two classrooms adjacent and I can hear the other teachers yell. In these moments I can't concentrate and I can even feel aggressive and I have to make sure I keep myself under control for the sake of my students in front of me who, by the way, don't bother me at all. I love every single child and would do everything for them to feel safe in my classroom. That's the professional me, I'm not myself, I'm playing a role, the responsible role of a teacher and I love my job and spend most of the time working.

 

I used to teach too. I get on a lot better with children that with NT adults, but found the collective noise of school situations very stressful. I find that children instinctively gravitate towards me - as if they have some way of sensing I'm kind and safe. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally childlike myself. Although I played a professional role, I found that I can truly be myself with many children (The stress of playing a role would now be too much for me). I don't have to pretend and I meet them at their own level, as equals. I'm passionately protective of the underdog - usually children and animals.

 

I'm not diagnosed as anything but have been digging deeply and have come to the conclusion I must be on the spectrum.

It was bereavement, and my resulting inability to cope, that led to my (very deep) digging. Your journey through adolescence pretty accurately mirrors my own.

 

Actually, some things are getting worse as I'm getting older whereas others are more under control.

Same here ...but different in the detail.

Congratulations on managing to make the post. There's no need to feel nervous with us. We're all in the same boat! :)

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Hello, Lessa! Welcome :)Thanks!!!!!!

Thank you very much for your reply. It really makes me feel I'm not the only one in the world who has these weird thoughts and I can express them without being concerned about people laughing at me or worse. It's even more obvious to me that I'm simply different in a neur0-psychological way and that I have to accept myself the way I am and not try and press myself into something that I don't belong in. It makes me feel I can now start to work on different issues that I would like to address for myself and feel I can improve certain areas.

I was like that for years, but somehow over the past couple of years I've managed to acquire a few good friends and one very special friend - people often assume we're partners. Maybe we are; we don't really know, for we can't see things from the NT viewpoint (and wouldn't want to). So please don't ever give up hope.

I used to be better with people than I am now. Although I'm not entirely sure. I think I never had friends as such, I just thought I did until I realised I felt betrayed by them, treated unfairly or was neglected. I don't know whether they did or whether it was all in my imagination. I usually lived in groups like being in communities that automatically included people and the contact with them. I never felt well, never accepted but I suppose I at least never felt isolated. Now I'm developing a kind of a phobia of being with people, being too close to them or them bullying me, hating me or wanting to harm me. It's shocking to realise this development - deterioration I would call it. There must have been a trigger for that and I think I slowly start to find out where it could have its origin. Nowadays, even the feeling that someone could come too close to me (mentally and even worse physically) makes me gape and try to catch breath like a fish out of water.

 

It took me a long time to realise that a true friend wouldn't mind this. They'd just accept you as the way you are. I can only truly be myself with my few friends. I can easily get absorbed in my many special interests, but since I acquired these friends, I spend less time on my interests. Sometimes I feel bad about that!

For a long time I didn't have any interests at all because I wasn't allowed as a child to be myself, was basically forced to be like everyone else, was taken away from my books that I loved so much, was also forced to spend money that I wanted to save for myself. I got, in a nutshell, prepared for the real world out there that I was so scared of. I started to be into music but was never really supported in this, either. Sport used to be an outlet for some time but was likewise undermined. I think they wanted me to be a mediocre, typical girl who would marry and live happily ever after with the man of her dreams. As you can imagine, this led to drinking and smoking as I didn't have any alternative to calm myself down or to find satisfaction in myself. I didn't believe in any of my abilities, was told I was moderately intelligent if not a little below that.

 

Poor thing :( I don't voluntarily go out in the cold, and for years I'd almost 'hibernate' indoors over the winter - only going out for necessities and then rushing back as quickly as possible. With a close friend I no longer do that, for she's quite demanding of my time - which I think is good for me. We enjoy our winter walks and keep warm. We don't mind being stared at for there's a certain strength in being a pair of weirdos. On my own I feel very vulnerable, but with her we're too busy with each other to care about what others think. (Meeting her has made me realise how much fun was lacking in my life).

Ah, the cold is cold but the world is cold also when it's hot. For me the word cold has two meanings and I shiver being with people whatever the climate is like. Yes, I get affected more than others by the cold and I do not sweat easily, even when the temperatures are very high. The world is cold on top of this as people are making me freeze and uncomfortable.

I'm happy for you that you have found someone to be with and to forget how odd you feel. I think we all have a right to feel normal.

 

Very well put. It's the existential aspie dilemma. By 'people' I presume you mean neurotypical people - what I used to call the 'adult world' before I realised I had AS. Such an alien world, where we are observers ever struggling to make sense of it. What, though, is 'normal'? Must 'normal' always equate with what is right or good? I hardly think so.

Yes, I'm referring to neurotypical people who are 'people' or 'the others' as I secretly call them. Yes, I always realised I was different to them and I never thought it was a bad thing not to be normal. However, the price to pay is high at times. The lack of ability to feel the way others do, to have a gender-defined role and live a life according to societal rules is difficult and it would have been a lot easier to walk on such an even and stable path of life. Instead, I struggled myself through university (it took me 10 years to get the degree - an eternity) and even then I wasn't able to do jobs with some sort of responsibility. I then moved away from my home area and went abroad where I suffered badly. Oddly enough, I learned to survive and matured emotionally considerably. And only when my son was born, 8 years ago, I finally managed to go into a profession that I enjoy. I finally had the courage and confidence to put myself into that position. Oh my word, the suffering during the training though I could not describe to anyone. I thought it was because people were extremely harsh and the system unfair and over the top but I think it was just me not coping well. I didn't give up which is what I'm truly proud of nowadays.

 

Yes! Me again, totally. Shopping alone invites panic attacks for me. Luckily I do most of my shopping here with my friend when my stress levels are much lower.

I do my shopping online, most of the time. If I have to go to the shops I choose times when there are hardly any people around. I do my shopping quickly and leave as soon as I can and go back to my lovely car with my doors locked. While in the shops I usually am so lost in thought that I don't realise where I am until someone talks to me.

 

I only enjoy serious talking unless I'm with her, when we behave like silly children a lot of the time! I do this with my son, I play games with him the whole day long! :) I love this!

 

I used to teach too. I get on a lot better with children that with NT adults, but found the collective noise of school situations very stressful. I find that children instinctively gravitate towards me - as if they have some way of sensing I'm kind and safe. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally childlike myself. Although I played a professional role, I found that I can truly be myself with many children (The stress of playing a role would now be too much for me). I don't have to pretend and I meet them at their own level, as equals. I'm passionately protective of the underdog - usually children and animals.

Yes, I have a big heart for every minority group that there is. And children for me are yet to become part of the world of 'the others'. They are still innocent, victims themselves in many cases. They are more tolerant and have a better sense of humour (from my point of view - I can't stand crude adult sense of humour that often includes adult material and promotes gender inequality, alcoholism and drug abuse). As a teacher I am a person they trust and believe in. We form a unit as a class and I'm part of it. I can easily ask them questions and listen to their problems because they never expect me to do the same. On the contrary, I'm a professional, and should keep any private matter of mine out of their mental reach. That's the lovely thing about it. I hope I can do this as long as possible.

 

It was bereavement, and my resulting inability to cope, that led to my (very deep) digging. Your journey through adolescence pretty accurately mirrors my own.

I have read about your mum's death. I'm sorry about that. It must have been a hard time for you. How wonderful though that you have found a new life. Keep it up, it sounds so very positive! :)

 

Congratulations on managing to make the post. There's no need to feel nervous with us. We're all in the same boat! :)Thank you very much for your encouraging words, I feel I can now start sorting my life and my own self a bit better.

 

Edited by Lessa

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Hi Lessa and welcome. That was a very thoughtful first post, and if it helps to write out what you're going to say in advance and having a think about it before posting, why not? :)Thanks a lot, Verbeia. It always helps a lot to be encouraged in what we're doing to protect ourselves. I can't be spontaneous in writing and read everything through many times to ensure I have expressed myself clearly, correctly and have eliminated any mistakes. And when I still realise there is a mistake after posting or sending something out... oh gosh, it really bothers me! :)

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It makes me feel I can now start to work on different issues that I would like to address for myself and feel I can improve certain areas.

 

We must always be aware of the areas that we simply cannot improve upon (or at least to any significant degree). These are our neurologically-fixed weaknesses. Sometimes we may fall into the trap of anguishing over these weaknesses, and the more we try and improve upon them the more stressed we become - simply because they are fixed. I think all we can do about these is to accept them and accept that trying to change them is futile and not good for our mental health. This isn't being pessimistic but being realistic, and it doesn't stop us from using our talents to the full, and working at improving them. NT people also have their strengths and weaknesses, but many/most don't even recognise their weaknesses, let alone accept them - even though they are not hard-wired in the sense that ours are and can be changed with little effort.

 

I used to be better with people than I am now. Although I'm not entirely sure. I think I never had friends as such, I just thought I did until I realised I felt betrayed by them, treated unfairly or was neglected. I don't know whether they did or whether it was all in my imagination.

Same here, and it wasn't my imagination. I really have been betrayed and ignored by 'friends' - many times over. It took me many years to realise just how very vulnerable I was (and why), and only since then have I been better able keep this kind of friend out of my life. I feel stronger now.

Now I'm developing a kind of a phobia of being with people, being too close to them or them bullying me, hating me or wanting to harm me. It's shocking to realise this development - deterioration I would call it.

I wouldn't call it a phobia, rather an entirely reasonable aversion. Nor would I call it deterioration, but rather realisation - a growing awareness of the harsh reality. At least if this is the same process that I went through.

Nowadays, even the feeling that someone could come too close to me (mentally and even worse physically) makes me gape and try to catch breath like a fish out of water.

Like you, I've become increasingly wary of close relationships (emotional & physical). It's an aversion, just like my aversion to 'ugliness', exploitation, cruelty, etc. To me it seems perfectly rational. There's also fear and revulsion involved, and I think seeing it as an aversion makes me stronger and better able to cope with the fear.

For a long time I didn't have any interests at all because I wasn't allowed as a child to be myself, was basically forced to be like everyone else, was taken away from my books that I loved so much, was also forced to spend money that I wanted to save for myself. I got, in a nutshell, prepared for the real world out there that I was so scared of.

My parents tried to prepare me for the 'real' world, although I never gave up on my philomathia and special interests (and that included my books). However, all the other aspects of 'conditioning' me, initiating me into a 'successful' adulthood gradually fell away over the years, for the stress of conforming to them became too much for me. I'm probably more scared of the 'real' world today than I was in my teens - and even then it was a very scary place.

I started to be into music but was never really supported in this, either. Sport used to be an outlet for some time but was likewise undermined. I think they wanted me to be a mediocre, typical girl who would marry and live happily ever after with the man of her dreams. As you can imagine, this led to drinking and smoking as I didn't have any alternative to calm myself down or to find satisfaction in myself. I didn't believe in any of my abilities, was told I was moderately intelligent if not a little below that.

My parents also wanted me to be mediocre, but ambitious and 'successful' in their eyes. They knew I was very intelligent and expected me to have a 'good' career. They wanted what they thought was best for me, but at least I wasn't put under great pressure to be what I couldn't be. It was partly my fault for not realising what I couldn't be. I wanted to please my parents, but my 'too logical' worldview wouldn't allow me to adapt to the prevailing, dysfunctionally-irrational NT worldview in a myriad of ways. My strong sense of justice alone, made life difficult in the world of work. (Whistleblowers have a hard time). Thankfully, my special interests saved me from the dreaded alcohol/smoking route.

Ah, the cold is cold but the world is cold also when it's hot. For me the word cold has two meanings and I shiver being with people whatever the climate is like. ...The world is cold on top of this as people are making me freeze and uncomfortable.

 

Beautifully words on an ugly subject! Such a succinct and powerful way of explaining this so very familiar experience. :)

...never thought it was a bad thing to be normal. However, the price to pay is high at times.

I think I always did, ever since I was little I'd question why so much in the 'normal' world just seemed so very wrong. I never felt at ease with 'normality'. Too often it left a nasty taste in the mouth. I tried to 'fit in' only because it was expected of me; not because I truly believed that the 'normality package' was 100% pure and unadulterated with toxins. The price of trying was very high.

I struggled myself through university (it took me 10 years to get the degree - an eternity) and even then I wasn't able to do jobs with some sort of responsibility. ...the suffering during the training though I could not describe to anyone. I thought it was because people were extremely harsh and the system unfair and over the top but I think it was just me not coping well. I didn't give up which is what I'm truly proud of nowadays.

I don't think I could have done this. The stress would have been too much. Also, it would have got in the way of my special interests - unless the training was actually motivated by those interests. I also suspect I'd have found it too intellectually restrictive. But far worse for me would have been the social side of university life. (Even the thought makes me shudder!) I doubt that it was just you - the system is unfair, and people can be harsh and often are. You have good reason to be proud of your achievements, far more so than most, who don't experience all the extra struggling that you did.

If I have to go to the shops I choose times when there are hardly any people around. I do my shopping quickly and leave as soon as I can... While in the shops I usually am so lost in thought that I don't realise where I am until someone talks to me

 

That's me too, such a horrible ordeal. I hope to restart online shopping one day.

 

I do this with my son, I play games with him the whole day long! :) I love this!

 

I bet he does, too! Many NT parents are too 'busy' to do this, and would rather sit their children in front of screens.

 

Yes, I have a big heart for every minority group that there is. And children for me are yet to become part of the world of 'the others'. They are still innocent, victims themselves in many cases.

 

Exactly how I see things. There's a poignant sadness about the inevitability of 'growing up' to become one of 'the others'.

They are more tolerant and have a better sense of humour (from my point of view - I can't stand crude adult sense of humour that often includes adult material and promotes gender inequality, alcoholism and drug abuse).

I agree. Like you, I'm not part of that grotesque NT world. I may live within it but I'm certainly not of it, and have never wanted to be. The very term 'adult material' itself speaks volumes for the NT view of what they see being an adult entails.

As a teacher I am a person they trust and believe in.

I'm sure you set them a good example. We need more teachers like you. :)

I have read about your mum's death. I'm sorry about that. It must have been a hard time for you. How wonderful though that you have found a new life. Keep it up, it sounds so very positive!

Thank you. It was very hard, and still can be, but I'm determined to be positive and live as best I can in every way. My very caring parents would have wanted me to be happy.


Edited by Mihaela

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