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felines are superior

Feeling guilty about living abord for many years

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I feel bad because I lived very far from my parents in my twenties, and they could barely see me, and it bothered them. I actually lived overseas, and they asked me to come back, and it was important to them. finally I did come back, but after many years.

 

Did I do something wrong? How to get rid of this guilt? I hardly saw them, only occasional letters. And there was no reason for this really, just that I thought maybe I could communicate better with different people, which of course didnt work. didnt know i had asd back then.

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First of all, you don't say whether your parents are still living? It makes a big difference, for if they are you can at least discuss your feelings with them. I regret my own parents dying before they properly knew me and the reason as to why I was the way I was (Asperger's). Like you, I had no idea that I had it - until after they'd both gone. It hurts me so much to think about this, so I force myself to stay ever occupied and distracted.

Of course you didn't do anything wrong. The very fact that you feel guilty suggests that you most likely aren't, and nor does it mean that you deserve the guilt, but it's probably your response at having regrets. If you'd intentionally harmed them, then that would be a good reason to feel guilty, but I doubt whether there's blame involved at all. There's no point in worrying about our regrets, for most of us do what we think is best at the time. In hindsight they may be seen as mistakes, but we can't change the past, and life is too short to dwell on the negatives.

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First of all, you don't say whether your parents are still living? It makes a big difference, for if they are you can at least discuss your feelings with them. I regret my own parents dying before they properly knew me and the reason as to why I was the way I was (Asperger's). Like you, I had no idea that I had it - until after they'd both gone. It hurts me so much to think about this, so I force myself to stay ever occupied and distracted.

 

Of course you didn't do anything wrong. The very fact that you feel guilty suggests that you most likely aren't, and nor does it mean that you deserve the guilt, but it's probably your response at having regrets. If you'd intentionally harmed them, then that would be a good reason to feel guilty, but I doubt whether there's blame involved at all. There's no point in worrying about our regrets, for most of us do what we think is best at the time. In hindsight they may be seen as mistakes, but we can't change the past, and life is too short to dwell on the negatives.

 

thank you. you're so right, and they're still living, thank God. I cant discuss my feelings with them. i'm very uncomfortable discussing my feelings, and they are too at such things. we were never a family when one described his/her feelings.

 

I'd just give them more of my time instead. they live walking distance, only a few minutes by foot. (i dont have a car). i'll just visit and be talktive.

 

i feel better now, thanks.

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You had fledged from the nest.

 

Parents expect their chidden to depart, its pleasant to hear from them! But children have their own lives to lead, where and with whom is really normally their children's business. Parents sometimes help pick up the pieces, after something goes wrong! You are always a little child even at great age to your yet older parent.

 

(My sister fledged, and left me who never fledged to care for my parents.)

 

Your parents wishes may have to do with their failings, and you perhaps an "only child" or maybe the youngest, not attached, easiest bullied?

 

What you have stated, is not something to feel any "guilt" over!!

 

Repeat you have not done nothing wrong. Maybe its you who is being taken advantage of.

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Good reply Waterboatman!

Good reply, Waterboatman!

I cant discuss my feelings with them. i'm very uncomfortable discussing my feelings, and they are too at such things. we were never a family when one described his/her feelings.

 

Same here actually. It got easier over the years, and probably will with you. We're slow at this kind of thing. I think my mother had Aspie traits, and we were never the kind of family who felt at ease discussing feelings, yet my parents were both very caring, even to the point of worrying overmuch about us.

I'd just give them more of my time instead. they live walking distance, only a few minutes by foot. (i dont have a car). i'll just visit and be talktive.

 

I'm sure that's all they'd need or expect from you. My aspie friend lives a few minutes walk from her mother and stepfather (and from me too). She often visits them, and although they find her difficult at times, I'm sure they'd be upset if she didn't. She's talkative with them, but can't express her feelings well. We all just accept this. Like you, I often prefer being with my cats than with people, but that doesn't mean I can't do without people. When I lost my parents, I lost part of myself.

You've no need to worry about being who you are.
:)

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You had fledged from the nest.

 

Parents expect their chidden to depart, its pleasant to hear from them! But children have their own lives to lead, where and with whom is really normally their children's business. Parents sometimes help pick up the pieces, after something goes wrong! You are always a little child even at great age to your yet older parent.

 

(My sister fledged, and left me who never fledged to care for my parents.)

 

Your parents wishes may have to do with their failings, and you perhaps an "only child" or maybe the youngest, not attached, easiest bullied?

 

What you have stated, is not something to feel any "guilt" over!!

 

Repeat you have not done nothing wrong. Maybe its you who is being taken advantage of.

 

Thank you for making me feel better

 

I'm the middle child, not the youngest or the only one.

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