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Have I done the right thing?

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I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3 and a half years. We are lesbians and I have a child. My ex girlfriend has Aspergers Syndrome. Things started becoming more stressful once we got a mortgage a little over a year ago but we but just plodded on, never really talking about personal issues.

She has always known that I'm a bit of a worrier and I'm a sensitive and very understanding person. She can be difficult to read, but I've mostly always understood her and accept when she needs quiet time and doesn't always want to talk. However it bothered me that she fell asleep quite often in the early evening and I think this is why we got so used to not talking about our problems.

Her relationship with my child has always been a little on the rocky side as my child has learning difficulties and they sometimes could not understand each other. This would affect me and I would often feel caught in the middle and therefore feel like I was being a Parent to both of them. Therefore I started to feel like I wasn't really in a relationship. My friends and family noticed I was becoming withdrawn and not really putting effort in to going out. This obviously upset me but I wouldn't admit it, however under the surface, I knew they were right.

Our sex life was minimal and when it happened, it was very predictable and much the same every time. She would always find it difficult to have an orgasm and I started to feel rejected which always made me feel selfish. I would never tell her this as I know its not her fault. I tried so hard to not feel this way because I knew she loved me deeply just as I did her and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I ended the relationship a few months ago and I'm often feeling very upset, especially in quiet times like the evenings after a busy day at work and when my child goes to bed.

I can't help wondering if I did enough to try and fix things or give her a chance to. My ex moved out of our home and we see each other still and text or talk on the phone. She tells me she loves me and cannot be without me and doesn't know what to do anymore. Each time she leaves upset, it hurts me. I just don't know what to do either as she said she can't just be friends. Do I need to cut all communication with her? She says I'm the only person who truelly knows her and she can't talk to anyone else. It worries me that she is on anti-depressants too. I hate the thought of causing her so much hurt, and I feel guilty. I'm worrying too much about her as know she has self-harmed recently.

I have a lot of emotions to deal with and I was hoping to get some advice from this forum. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

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Welcome to the forum! I find your post very interesting, and can see similarities in my own life. Me and my partner are both on the spectrum, but very, very different. I sometimes worry about her, but I don't think she's capable of worrying about me in the same way. We have a very close relationship, but it's very unusual too and it proves that it's possible to be 'more than friends' while not living together and not romantically inclined. I'll need to give you a long reply, and as I have to go out soon, it'll have to wait until later on today.

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I'll try to answer this as well as I'm able, but it won't be easy.

I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3 and a half years. We are lesbians and I have a child. My ex girlfriend has Aspergers Syndrome. Things started becoming more stressful once we got a mortgage a little over a year ago but we but just plodded on, never really talking about personal issues.

You don't say why the mortgage caused the added stress, or whether it was affecting both of you. I can well imagine it causing me stress due to my executive dysfunction, and I would have expected my more able partner to handle the money side of things. Could your ex-girlfriend have been suffering in this way? I think it's vital in any relationship to talk freely and often about our emotions and personal issues. So many relationships fail through misunderstandings.

 

She has always known that I'm a bit of a worrier and I'm a sensitive and very understanding person. She can be difficult to read, but I've mostly always understood her and accept when she needs quiet time and doesn't always want to talk. However it bothered me that she fell asleep quite often in the early evening and I think this is why we got so used to not talking about our problems.

I'm the worrying, sensitive and understanding partner in my relationship, although we're both on the spectrum. I can understand how your ex-girlfriend can be difficult to read, for I sometimes have the same difficulty, but less often as I've now learnt my friend's ways and needs very thoroughly. The falling asleep in the early evening could simply be due to her having an overactive mind and/or getting up very early. Time should always be found to talk about problems.

 

Her relationship with my child has always been a little on the rocky side as my child has learning difficulties and they sometimes could not understand each other. This would affect me and I would often feel caught in the middle and therefore feel like I was being a Parent to both of them.

I can identify with this too. Although I get on very well with children generally, I'm not sure how I'd manage with a child who had learning difficulties. I know many aspies would find it difficult. In a sense I find myself 'parenting' my partner, although I often need it myself; she simply isn't capable. She has a need to be in control, and I let her feel that she is. She's much younger than me, and we're both emotionally very childlike. You may find that your ex-girlfriend is the same. In relationships with NTs, they'd end up 'parenting' me.

 

Therefore I started to feel like I wasn't really in a relationship. My friends and family noticed I was becoming withdrawn and not really putting effort in to going out. This obviously upset me but I wouldn't admit it, however under the surface, I knew they were right.

 

I've been in few NT relationships, and I now realise that they failed because of my then undiagnosed and unsuspected AS. It was me who became withdrawn and depressed. At least you know about your friend's AS. She can't change the way she is.

 

Our sex life was minimal and when it happened, it was very predictable and much the same every time. She would always find it difficult to have an orgasm and I started to feel rejected which always made me feel selfish. I would never tell her this as I know its not her fault. I tried so hard to not feel this way because I knew she loved me deeply just as I did her and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Many aspies tend to try sex a few times, and then either give up on it or turn it into a ritualised chore. We tend to be an androgynous bunch. Although emotionally I'm lesbian inclined, I find the physical side of sex too much - partly due to sensory issues. I didn't find it in the least enjoyable, and can't understand why others do - yet I reluctantly used to fake it. So in that sense, I'm asexual - as are many female aspies. This doesn't mean that we can't have fulfilling relationships - they're just different. Sex is unnecessary or very limited for many of us, and in fact it can seriously spoil a loving relationship simply by raising unrealistic expectations. The predictability and sameness you speak of may reflect our love of routine and lack of spontaneity - or simply an essentially asexual nature.

 

I ended the relationship a few months ago and I'm often feeling very upset, especially in quiet times like the evenings after a busy day at work and when my child goes to bed.

Aspies tend to be very loyal. I don't think I'd be able to end a relationship, and nor would my partner. We stick together like glue. I know I'd feel very upset if a partner chose to end a relationship. I'd wonder what went wrong, and why we couldn't sort it out. I'd worry about her endlessly in my quiet moments, and relive our happy times from the past. I'd be haunted by reminders of her.

 

I can't help wondering if I did enough to try and fix things or give her a chance to. My ex moved out of our home and we see each other still and text or talk on the phone. She tells me she loves me and cannot be without me and doesn't know what to do anymore. Each time she leaves upset, it hurts me.

If I had ended it, like you did, I'd feel exactly the same. It's good that you're both still regularly in touch. You needn't be without one another. I can only talk of my own experience, but a relationship needn't 'die' if the two people no longer share the same home or have sex. It can develop in new and exciting ways - at least that's what I've found. It can become far less stressful and yet remain just as loving.

I just don't know what to do either as she said she can't just be friends.

True friends are never 'just' friends. What exactly do you each want from a relationship? Are your expectations too high? What is it that you both feel you are losing or have lost? Are you both losing the same things or not? You need to talk about all this between you. True love transcends differences.

Do I need to cut all communication with her? She says I'm the only person who truelly knows her and she can't talk to anyone else. It worries me that she is on anti-depressants too. I hate the thought of causing her so much hurt, and I feel guilty. I'm worrying too much about her as know she has self-harmed recently.

No, it would be cruel to cut all communication. She clearly needs you. I'd feel just the same if I was in your position. I'd want to stick by her through thick and thin - especially now that she's self-harming. Whatever you choose to do, the least you can do is to make sure she gets the support that she clearly needs.

I hope this has been of some help. :)


Edited by Mihaela

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Thank you so much Mihaela for taking your time to give me such much needed advice. I really do appreciate it.


It helps me a great deal to gain advice with regards to my worries from someone who is on the spectrum as I do find it difficult to really understand some of my ex-girlfriends behaviour.


I'm a worrier as I have said previously, so I know that had a great deal to do with causing stress within our relationship and she could not always cope well if I was upset. I know she tried her best to support me in those moments but she just didn't know how. This made me feel low because all I wanted was a hug and reassurance. Then I would feel guilty because it was not her fault that she was unable to deal with certain emotions. So this is what led us to never really speaking too in depth about our problems.


I will always be here for her, but I find it difficult to see her so sad as I am the cause of her sadness, yet she still wants to be with me. I don't want to give her false hope that we can rebuild our relationship again because I'm so scared of hurting her again in the future if we should fall into the same problems.


Thank you again for your advice. :-)


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