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Mihaela

Persecution by the state

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I choose this thread title carefully. I know of many people on the spectrum who have been involved in minor 'offences'. At least they are offences according to rigid legal standards, but not necessarily according to moral standards. Instead of being treated in ways which take account of their condition, these vulnerable and good-living people are literally persecuted and hounded - sometimes throughout their lives.

I am one of those people. (I've personally known two who have literally been driven to suicide). My 'offences' when looked at objectively, are utterly trivial and banal, and particularly common among Aspies. They are inextricably linked to our autistic worldview and way of thinking - in my case particularly my executive dysfunction and coping strategies. I have harmed nobody in my entire life (even a judge once said that to me), nor have I stolen, defrauded, taken drugs, or anything else - I wouldn't even drop litter. I abhor violence, cruelty, dishonesty, exploitation, etc. and I live a far more ethical life that most neurotypical people. I obsessively rescue snails, slugs, beetles, etc. from paths. I don't even tread on daisies on lawns. I give money away. I'm deeply spiritual, a committed pacifist and a strict vegetarian. I always side with the underdogs. My altruism is well-known and so are my endless sacrifices.

The death of my parents, who supported and protected me, has affected every aspect of my life. Parents need to make very sure that, after they've gone, their autistic children will be safe and receive the support that they need.

 

A 'problem' with me is my high intellectual ability, which masks my very low emotional age. They're completely out of step - quite normal for many Aspies. Emotionally at my best I'm only about 15, but when under great stress I talk, act and feel like a three or four year old.

Several people on this forum have sent me PMs, asking for advice which I freely give. It's something I seem to be good at, and I've done it for years. (I was once a Samaritan too). Some of them have ended up talking to me live over the internet. A while ago one of these members sent me a PM, asking for advice. I wasn't sure of her age at first, except that I knew she was 'young', however, it would be wrong to ever refuse advice on grounds of age. I do it purely to help make peoples' lives easier and happier than my own - whoever they are.

After my diagnosis, I took up the offer of seeing a psychologist, Charlotte Cox of Mersey Care - naturally expecting help (with my anxiety and executive dysfunction - my biggest difficulties). She seemed pleasant enough and gave me much hope, but instead my life has been cruelly turned upside-down. I innocently told her that I helped people over the internet, including a 12yo girl who had self-diagnosed - and who was getting no help from her parents, but rather a lot of added stress. It seemed as if they were wanting to disbelieve that she was autistic, maybe out of fear or not understanding. She clearly is on the spectrum. I even suggested that her parents, who were fully aware of our converastions, could ring or meet me.

The psychologist rang me out of the blue demanding to know the child's name for she had read a previous psychiatric report which included some comments sent by the police (inaccurate in several respects). 'Procedures' had kicked in, which ended up in a train of yet more traumatic events in my already very difficult life. I didn't know her full name, and being loyal and protective, I wouldn't have given it anyway.

Take this as a warning that those who are paid to protect us and support our health needs can never be trusted. They turn their backs upon us and close ranks when we're most in need. They betray us without the slightest justification, simply because 'procedures' must be blindly followed. In many, many cases, such procedures can damage lives irreparably, but ultimately all 'professionals' care about is protecting their jobs - rather than vulnerable people (of whatever age) - who come second. I now worry for this poor girl's reaction to this bureaucratic act of brainless insanity and gross insensitivity. Fortunately, she's highly intelligent, and I hope will see through their false reassurances, exaggerations, fearmongering and duplicity ('qualities' endemic in all state institutions from the Prime Minister down).

I will never understand the neurotypical world - with its hypocrisy, greed, cruelty, ruthlessness, dishonesty, power, vanity - and all the rest. I'm proud that it is not, and never will be, my world. I'm proud of who I am, and that I've survived this long.

 

Meanwhile, I've been officially deprived of my support worker (through no fault of hers of mine), and as a direct result my mental health is deteriorating in many ways. What a wonderful, caring country this is!

PS -
I'm writing this in early morning while my thinking is clear - but most of the time it isn't. I'm starting a blog and I'll post the link in this thread.



Edited by Mihaela

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You write very well. And I agree with everything you said. Neurotypical people cannot see the wood for the trees. Mess up unintentionally, and they make your life miserable. Personally, I want to be able to freely chat to people, normal or not, autistic or not, without worrying they will spill the beans over something I said. Unfortunately however, they have to speak up if they are a care worker, in case like you said, it puts their jobs at risk. That is really all they look out for. Sometimes, I think I will always be alone.

 

Having lost my workers and my home now, I feel as if I wasted years on the wrong sort of people. All I wanted was to hang in with people like them, because I "did not have a life" and then they turned on me for trying to get all personal with them. It did not help that I have poor impulse control as it is and started to get argumentative, creepy and obsessive. But they got the ball rolling on that. When they "stole" Joanna and Sara from me then lied, it seemed like they hardly cared about the outcome it would have on me.

 

Yes. They get paid to be nice and do what you want to do, but I wonder if they are just fake. My problem is that I try to hang in with them way too quickly right after meeting them, without knowing what they are really like. I had one male worker take advantage of me years ago and pretend he knew this Laura, whom I was quite infatuated with. The problem is, he was a nice guy in person, but behind my back, it was a different story. He sent me emails using an alias. You probably know that from my previous posts.

 

My sister has not seen her eldest son in ages. Her ex's parents have him in their care. They spread all this stuff about her and she got punished hard. Since they are retired now, they have all the time there is to look after Arran (the boy's name) and none of the family have seen him in long enough a time. It is so bad now. Her lawyer dumped her because things got too heated. My sister actually grew to like her solicitor, but that is all they are - solicitors. But it is not good if the case has gone on for so many years and my sister is losing the war.

 

I don't really know how to advise others who find themselves in similar situations to us. Just that perhaps the key thing to do is take part in more group activities with AS or some other disability related groups, and I don't know where to look for a romantic partner either, but there are a few dating sites for people on the spectrum. It seems like everything we do though is more of a miss than a hit.

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My reaction is however well meaning you are unless the child is yours, it is best to avoid any advice or contact.

 

Sadly, however well meaning or innocent your advice was it puts you in a dangerous area.

 

If you wish to give advice to someone why your unsure of age, it would be better to say it in an open forum or post information links in an open forum.

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At the same time, it isn't right to just sit there and have the child / young person suffer. 'M' didn't name the person. If the person is talking to her, it's because she was in need of the help. These social workers and all them types are just snitching con artists. Plus, there are actually a lot of Samaritans that just listen to a phone caller and nothing else. At least 'M' here was doing more to help.

 

The people that were paid to "help" me have just gone and kicked me out of my own God darn flat, after I was in it for 3 years and was anxiously waiting to get back inside of it. Only, they tricked me, again. All they do is lie to me. They are very adept at exploiting me at every turn. They made out I had rent arrears and while I did have some debt issues, they were not my concern. There are employed staff which includes seniors, working in flat 1 at the accommodation. They should have did more to sort that out as I could not even reside there due to the bail terms, and the court case being deferred for reports and because I continued to mess up. So I called up the place that deals with the housing benefits to learn the rent money was paid up to January. Of course, I had already signed what was, a plain bit of paper not knowing that at the time and I was clearly duped. Should that even count? A white bit of paper!

 

They knew lying about my workers was wrong, yet they did it anyway. That is why I blew up and lashed out in the first place. These higher-ups came to see me in jail once and admitted it was wrong. Yet even after I went back to that prison a second time and all these other incidents have occurred, resulting in me being arrested, they still refuse to take any responsibility and give me a chance. I cannot put my points across to the court for a second chance if the company will not even try to meet me halfway. Surely if we all made up, the court would see that, but all the Edinburgh based Autism Initiatives and Catherine Steedman do is mess me around, play with my emotions and break my heart again and again. As it is, these ladies (Joanna and Sara) are now very scared of me and I never even wanted them to turn against me. Basically, all I want is my freaking life back.

 

The court taken hold of me just makes the head directors feel all the more better off, because they know if I act abusive again or contact these women, go near where they live or whatever, I will get locked up again because the court are on their side. The 5 years non harassment order means they are gone, well and truly, the complete opposite of what I wanted, but that unfortunately has just become the harsh reality of it all now because that company could not "handle things property" at the time all this junk started, because I had feelings for the women and they took them well away from me.

 

I am not even sure if an advocate could help me sort them out legally. Because I wrote my signature down, that is proof that I "agreed" to it. I could say Cathy coaxed me into it, but trying to prove it is pretty much not going to be possible.

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I am afraid we are own worse enemy.


What ever we do is wrong or goes wrong.


It does not help that we tend to be ignored,


and when not ignored lied too.


When all contact seems to doomed to failure,


becoming more of a recluse is the result.


Failing bodys fail more quickly,


more powerful pain medication,


helps to speed the decline.


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Thanks for your replies Gold. You write very well too :)

What you say is so very true. For those of you reading this who haven't suffered in this way, you know nothing and are no position to judge. Don't ever forget that one day it may be your turn - or the turn of one of your loved ones. To experience is to understand, and the more experience we gain the more compassionate we generally become towards the underdog, the persecuted, the rejected... most of whom are can't write as I do. (When I speak I can't as easily express what I mean). They desperately need help, and literally have nowhere to turn in this very uncaring country.

 

Neurotypical people cannot see the wood for the trees.

 

At the risk of generalising, this says it all really. It's NT people working in 'caring' or 'protecting' organisations whose actions flagrantly show the system's inherent hypocrisy. I don't condemn poor Charlotte for doing what she did, but I do condemn the system for its lack of humanity and common sense. All who work in this system are expected to jettison any high principles they may have in favour of those espoused by the prevailing ideology. Effectively, their minds have been hi-jacked by the state - and states lack feelings. I could never work for any outfit that as a condition of work insisted that I was mentally shackled to an agenda that has more in common with fascism than with genuine caring, human values.

 

Having lost my workers and my home now, I feel as if I wasted years on the wrong sort of people.

I wonder if they sleep easy at night... Yes, I know the feeling well. I feel that solidarity among aspies (who tend to be very loyal) is needed. Support organisations should be run by aspies for aspies.

All I wanted was to hang in with people like them, because I "did not have a life" and then they turned on me for trying to get all personal with them. It did not help that I have poor impulse control as it is and started to get argumentative, creepy and obsessive. But they got the ball rolling on that. When they "stole" Joanna and Sara from me then lied, it seemed like they hardly cared about the outcome it would have on me.

Your kind of behaviour is common among us. They know that, and they should have treated you gently, compassionately, with honesty and tact. That's the only language we can understand. Instead they use clumsy, tactless and cruel tactics - and are willingly prepared to lie and cover-up their mistakes.

 

My problem is that I try to hang in with them way too quickly right after meeting them, without knowing what they are really like. I had one male worker take advantage of me years ago and pretend he knew this Laura, whom I was quite infatuated with. The problem is, he was a nice guy in person, but behind my back, it was a different story. He sent me emails using an alias. You probably know that from my previous posts.

 

Yes, I read about that. Your 'problem' isn't really a problem. The bigger problem lies in the way you were treated due to your autism, and needs to be handled sensitively. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. Often those of us who suffer most are made to suffer more & more. There's no justice.

 

I don't know where to look for a romantic partner either, but there are a few dating sites for people on the spectrum. It seems like everything we do though is more of a miss than a hit.

 

Luckily for me, I feel no need for this, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a true friendship.

@Stuffed: I partly understand what you mean, but Gold answers this far better than I ever could.

If you wish to give advice to someone why your unsure of age, it would be better to say it in an open forum or post information links in an open forum.

The whole point of PMs is to discuss matters that we don't want aired in public, or are just to involved for forums. In this case it was to help with a diagnosis. A forum doesn't lend itself to so much personal detail. It's my nature to help people in difficulties whatever their age, colour, gender, culture, sexuality, religion, etc. This is basic humanity - the whole point of being human.

As for Samaritans, Gold, I was once one myself, and I'd say most of them are 'fake' - do-gooders who passively listen, but do nothing. To me, that's often not good enough.

Only, they tricked me, again. All they do is lie to me. They are very adept at exploiting me at every turn.

I believe you. They exploit us because we are so vulnerable - and they know it. I've had it all myself - to the point of complete meltdown. I can't stand people who lack integrity and show no humanity. Such people are in the wrong jobs.

This is what hurts me most: "They mess me around, play with my emotions and break my heart again and again". Yes! Proof, as if more were needed, that there's something seriously rotten about the system.

...thanks for the poem, WB. So true. We need to organise and protect one another against this onslaught of lies, harassment and persecution.

Edited by Mihaela

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Even if I could have gone back to that flat, without everything being back to how it was before all this happened, I think it would just make me feel miserable being there. Then again, I will probably have to put up with the misery and added loneliness in another flat, wherever I end up next. At least in that flat there, I had staff to run to pretty much all the time to sound off to, if I needed to complain about how much my life sucks. Rarely were people there that understanding.

 

They are supposed to be running another snooker tournament soon, and a pool one. I went to the snooker tournament in May last year and finally won the Number 6 cup, but then I had to miss the one in October. I was the reigning champion, but it was my nerves. I was up half the night feeling agitated and would have had to have gotten up early, and I for the first time ever, had to skip that event. I have chronic anxiety these days.

 

Every day now, I just feel so bland and nothing good happens. I feel angry a lot too. I find it hard to sleep during ordinary hours and I crave sweet foods and chilled coffee drinks. I often wake up in the middle of the night, then go to bed around 6 PM. Rinse and repeat.

 

All I do is comfort eat and go online. Sometimes, I play my music. I find that keeps me happy sometimes, but I feel sad others.

 

I heavily depended on them, but whoosh, what do you know? They do not care.

 

My mate Scott who lives upstairs in that accommodation is on the verge of giving up with obtaining a social life. He has said to me on the phone before that he would rather die than be here, as he reckons his life started to go bad when he lost his sister to cancer and then his mother to diabetes. He feels women just play silly games and everybody else is full of it. He has been in jail before as well. He once tried to burn down a flat he was in, due to stress. This was years ago before I met him. He has been arrested for throwing rubbish bags out of his window. He was arrested on a Friday once and held in the police station until Tuesday due to a bank holiday Monday, so that was bound to have really sucked.

 

All they do when I call the office now is fob me off, or try to change the subject if it is Joanna-Sara related talk as usual. It is OK for them to act like they cannot be bothered with me since I am not there any longer. They are having to hear about it, but they never suffered going to jail and all the rest of it. They can say my outbursts were what caused all that to happen all they want, but it was their lies and games that sparked it off in the first place.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think an advocate could really do much to try to get that decision about my tenancy reversed and it seems the court do not care about me either. I'm just the bad guy in their eyes for wanting my workers and I to be in unity again, after all the pointless lying and mishaps.

 

I do not regret meeting Sara De Las Heras, but now I just feel like maybe it would have been better not to have met her. Now I will spend the rest of my days feeling awful.

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I live in supported living now and it has been a godsend because my life before was miserable and lonely with a abusive friends exploiting me financially and physically, I was very lonely with low self esteem and my life was totally going down the toilet to the point I nearly got remanded for street robbery after my so called friend accused me and another lad of beating him up and stealing his 20 pack of beer he just brought from Morrison's when infect all three of us went into Tesco and stole the beer, on interview at the police station they wouldn't take my account and ended up charing me with street robbery and holding me until court, at court my co-defendant got remanded and I got conditional bail with 7am -7pm tag and not to see or talk to my so called friend only because I have a mild learning disability (ASD not diagnosed at the time) The CID didn't even bother checking the CCTV at Tesco to check my story, lucky my solicitor got the CCTV footage from Tesco the next day and gave it to the police.

 

My friend rang with on the next Tuesday which he new was my benefit day and wanted to have a drink with me and told me he dropped the charges, I thought I better keep the best side of him because I really wanted him to drop the charges, we hung out for 3 weeks drinking and smoking weed then one morning the police knocked on the door with a warrant for shoplifting and my so call mate was sleeping at mine, I ended up breaching my bail conditions that day but luckily the street robbery got dripped that day otherwise I would of been remanded.

 

The police don't have your best interests at heart.

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Yeah. There is nothing worse than being shafted by your so-called mates, "carers" and whoever else you are supposed to trust. You sound like you got off by the skin of your teeth there, man.

 

Even my own mother betrayed me once. Who the hell can you turn to when the s*** hits the fan? From my experience - nobody!

 

Last year when I had contacted those ladies again at the end of August just to say sorry, I was out all night and stood outside her front door on the tiles feeling scared. But I only went in her house briefly (where I was bailed to, to use the loo) and eventually when it was daylight, she coaxed me into going into the park and waiting in the bowling green as the exit in that bit of the park is too far away, as it has railings all around. She had called the pigs on me, but I never knew that. There came a car, as well as a van. They had me surrounded. The next day in court, I ended up going back to jail for 17 days, after having already been remanded in there for 14 days just a few weeks before that.

 

Her excuse was that I could not hide from them forever. She also knew how tired I was, but I had nowhere to go, at all. I had no money. She reckons she did the right thing, but you will never fully trust anyone again who does something like that during a crucial moment. To be honest, I have never forgave her for that act of betrayal. My problem is I am kind of stuck at hers for now, until I can get another flat, as I absolutely will not be able to go back to the supported one now, having been tricked by that Catherine cow.

 

DTA: Don't Trust Anybody. Live and swear by that motto, please.

 

I suppose jail was not that bad for me. It really all comes down to how you will pass the time in there. The last thing you can do is have a breakdown in a place like that. If you get someone nice to share a cell with, you are considered to be one of the lucky few. So I was lucky, but one time I was not fortunate and was attacked. It just goes to show the "System" here in the UK is all balls.

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Mihaela - sorry for hear about your experience, unfortunately there is a lot of legislation for the protection of vulnerable children - but considerably less for the protection of vulnerable adults. I find it tragic that your honesty and loyalty has led to the consequences you described. I hope you can regain your support, don't let them win.

.

I've long had a sceptical view of the state, mainly because of my dads strong views/paranoia about the 'state' (he is almost certainly an Aspie) due to his own life experiences and beliefs, but also because of my own life experiences - nothing as serious as above, but still negative experiences that have left their mark on me. Wish I could say more in the way of support, but I'm struggling with my own issues.

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I find fellow autistic people feel the pain of other autistic people better than most NT people do. Like, I get accused of making everything worse by how I react when I get screwed by others, but it only serves as ammunition to the bad guys to those that shoehorned me in the first pathetic instance. Basically a "bad guy" is a social worker, corrupt 'law enforcers' and the judges of our country who never practice what they preach.

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