changing relationship type

[Sakaratte]

Myself (aspie) and my (now former) NT partner have recently separated after 9 months as she doesn't feel the spark between us anymore. We both agree that we still love each other and don't want to go down this route. In her mind she feels that although she loves me and wishes it didn't have to be this way it is the right thing to do.

 

I don't entirely understand what is wrong for this to need to happen, we were still very intimate and would talk to each other, she still feels safe and happy in my arms, enjoys talking to me and trusts me more than most people and doesn't want to lose me as a friend. She has also agreed to keep an open mind about us getting back together again.

 

My primary concern is about being able to transition from being a couple to being friends, whilst trying to rectify some issues we have so we don't end up losing something very dear to us.

 

Her overall concerns that have been recently mentioned are:

 

Her parents feel like I don't want to talk to them.

 

She feels like she can't always be herself (banter) without it being a problem.

 

I can go around in circles with my questions. I.E. she will give a response which can be somewhat contradicting so I will end up asking the same question, but slightly different (which I appreciate is really frustrating when you feel like you gave an appropriate answer)

 

Does anyone have any advice on how best for us to make this transition or manage the issues she has mentioned so we can maintain a healthy friendship?

[Mihaela]

I've known this happen before, and it always seems a shame to me.

...she doesn't feel the spark between us anymore.

 

This is normal in close relationships, even when both parties are neurotypical. The spark slowly fades - as all novelty does, but ideally by then mutual love and affection is sustained because we are familiar with one another and understand each other's ways. If you still love one another, there's just no point in separating.

I don't entirely understand what is wrong for this to need to happen, we were still very intimate and would talk to each other, she still feels safe and happy in my arms, enjoys talking to me and trusts me more than most people and doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

 

Like you, with all this going well, I can't understand why she feels it's the 'right' thing to do. My logical mind can't see where the 'rightness' is coming from.

My primary concern is about being able to transition from being a couple to being friends, whilst trying to rectify some issues we have so we don't end up losing something very dear to us.

 

What's the difference between a couple and being best friends? I see none, but maybe that's just me. Are you still best friends?

Her parents feel like I don't want to talk to them.

Do you understand what she means by this? I've been accused of this kind of thing myself. Sometimes it's true, for they may not be my kind of people, but sometimes it's simply because of my aspieness - I can only take smalltalk in small doses, and find it tiring and stressful. It's not that I'm unsociable.

She feels like she can't always be herself (banter) without it being a problem.

 

The only problem I can see is that she probably doesn't properly understand your autism-related limitations. In what way does she see her banter as a problem? Do you overeact to it? Underreact? Misunderstand it?

I can go around in circles with my questions. I.E. she will give a response which can be somewhat contradicting so I will end up asking the same question, but slightly different (which I appreciate is really frustrating when you feel like you gave an appropriate answer).

 

This is because we like clear and non-contradicory replies. We can't help it. She should be able to adapt, or at least put up with us needing further clarification. It shouldn't be a big problem - unless we make it into one.

Hope this helps

[Sakaratte]

I'm sorry its taken me 3 days to reply, that will teach me to look for update flags when I don't realize I get logged out every session. I'm going to apologize now if anything is a little nonsensical. I haven't had much in the way of sleep since this happened.

 

I've known this happen before, and it always seems a shame to me.

 

I've got a feeling there is something more to this than she has been letting on. This started as a downward spiral after christmas which was quite dramatic as the police were called for a domestic incident involving her relatives. I ended up imploding twice, which she had never seen happen before.

 

This is normal in close relationships, even when both parties are neurotypical. The spark slowly fades - as all novelty does, but ideally by then mutual love and affection is sustained because we are familiar with one another and understand each other's ways. If you still love one another, there's just no point in separating.

 

She doesn't feel that the spark should go. Tried to explain this to her several times and a good friend was half tempted to give her a biology lesson on why it happens to get it through to her. She's going to be stubborn on this point. Even though we split a few days, I love you/I love you too still occurs so its not like the feelings aren't still there.

 

What's the difference between a couple and being best friends? I see none, but maybe that's just me. Are you still best friends?

 

They say the best marriages are the ones where you marry your best friend don't they? As to whether I am I honestly couldn't say as she doesn't label friends as best friends our acquaintances. The best Idea I can give you of how she sees me is from the day we split. I live in England and she lives in Scotland so one of us has to go to the other. After she decided it was over, she didn't want me to go home and wanted me to stay. This has actually led to a lot of confusion as it feels like she is contradicting herself.

 

Do you understand what she means by this? I've been accused of this kind of thing myself. Sometimes it's true, for they may not be my kind of people, but sometimes it's simply because of my aspieness - I can only take smalltalk in small doses, and find it tiring and stressful. It's not that I'm unsociable.

 

What she means is I don't start a conversation with them. I struggle to initiate conversation unless I have had a conversation with them as it gives me a foundation to work from. I've spoken to her mother a few times through facebook messenger so i don't have a problem talking to her at all, I've never spoken to her father beyond the odd joke that my former partner had suggested. I don't excuse myself from the room if I am on my own, I'll actually make a point of being present.

 

The only problem I can see is that she probably doesn't properly understand your autism-related limitations. In what way does she see her banter as a problem? Do you overeact to it? Underreact? Misunderstand it?

 

Largely I would say I've under-reacted. There has been one occasion where I have become overwhelmed by it, then times where I have just been unsure if its a joke or serious. A bit of a mix really.

 

She should be able to adapt, or at least put up with us needing further clarification. It shouldn't be a big problem - unless we make it into one.

 

This is what I have tried to explain to her recently, more along the lines of No is a nonsensical response to an open statement.

[Mihaela]

Sorry about the delay. Just a quick reply for now. Have you shown her your post and my reply? If so, how does she feel about it? If not, why not? For I'm sure it would help her understand both your point of view and herself a little better. It may help her to question the way she sees things and whether her feelings are really justified.

[Sakaratte]

Slow replies are always better than no replies, thank you for posting again

 

i haven't shown her as yet, its been a bit of a rough and tumble week emotionally over the whole scenario. I've seriously considered walking away for my own health because of how emotionally attached I am (I really do live her to the ends to the ends of the earth and not being with her is quite painful). She has been pretty intense about how much she wants me in her life so we have had to sit and work a compromise which has slowed things down.

 

I have managed to touch on the joke/banter with her and make it clear that I pretty much always understand when a joke is a joke so she needs to stop tip toeing around me regarding that. I'm going to broach the subject tonight and see what she says in the morning as it will give plenty of time to think whilst I'm at work rather than be in a position where I'm going to be sat twiddling my thumbs waiting for an answer.