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FlorenceD

Is it just me???

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I'm going through a really low period again. It's always been something that happens sporadically and usually only lasts a few weeks. I've felt low since september 2014, things got really bad in december and I was signed off work for 3 weeks. Since then I've been back to work full time I've had periods of feeling better but never 100%.

 

Since the weekend, I've been really stressed out again. My OCD has been out of control and is worsening, I'm anxious all the time, I'm not sleeping well, I'm stressed to the max and I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't show emotions, I don't understand them, but it doesn't mean I don't feel them. I do, I just can't explain them or deal with them.

I can't face going to work, I took yesterday off sick I told them I had a migraine which is true but it was because I'm so stressed out. My mum doesn't believe me with the whole aspie thing and my dad doesn't know yet. If I tell them I'm not going to work, they lecture me and tell me I'll lose my job etc. I like my job, I used to love my job but right now, it's just one more thing I can't deal with.

 

How many of you have had trouble with this? Are these feelings normal for ASD or is it just depression, stress or whatever?

Edited by FlorenceD

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So sorry to hear that, but I'm going through just the same as you are right now. I've been up since 3.33. "I feel like I'm falling apart" describes me perfectly. I've not mentioned it on here so far, for I don't have the mental energy. I feel so bad that I've just been looking for the local mental health crisis care phone number on the internet but I can't find it and my brain is hurting. So I came here, to my little refuge and saw your post. I'm sending you a PM...maybe we can try to support one another.

It's depression and stress caused by our high sensitivities due to our autism. Autism makes a lot of us very prone to it. OCD is one of our ways of coping with the anxiety, and it's taking over my life, just as it seems to be with you. :(

Edited by Mihaela

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I too am like this, you are not alone. I have good times and bad times and the bad times take over my life too. they seem to consume my thoughts and these thoughts get more troubled when anxiety goes up, then it spirals out of control and leads to rows in the house and then it all turns out to my fault.

 

I too associate with feeling highly sensitive, I also feel like this is my little refuge, people here understand and make you understand it might not be normal but its definitely typical of our kind.

 

I don't appear to exibit emotions, however I do feel. im not sure exactly how to interperate my felings but I know I have them. I guess mostly I understand love and frustration, and I guess everything else is in the grey area. apparently even then I still don't 'show it on my face' so others just think im a robot with either no emotion or FULL ON.

 

horrible when parents hold you back, mine just beat me for 'being naughty' and would also tell me that I would fail at things.

 

I have only just this last year found someone who I can discuss autism with, she thinks I can be very funny with the way I see things, but before that I had nobody to talk to and ended up in major denial. I hope you don't do this in an effort to fit in, or hide from your family. its hard I know but I feel like ive wasted a lot of my life hiding from myself and others.

 

I often get headaches when my anxiety has built up to the point where I just stare. seems the longer im starring the worse the headache. after a bad episode I may also struggle with cognitive thoughts and feel dumb and distant.

 

not sure if ive been any help but as long as you know you're not the only one

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Thanks guys.

I've asked my younger sister ( the one I don't really get on with) to go with me to our local Wellbeing Centre, its run by Mind the mental health charity so I'm hoping they can give some advice as to where to begin with everything.

 

My younger sister is currently on antidepressants and since she has been shes been more understanding and dare I say 'nice'. Its complicated my relationship with her but I don't want to burden my older sister anymore than I already have. Shes got a tough ride ahead of her in her personal life and I don't want to add to it.

 

I will let you know later how I get on at the wellbeing centre. I've still not had any contact from CBT and I can't wait any longer else I might lose my mind.

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chin up, therapy comes a lot quicker when you've booked it.

 

waiting is better than lingering

 

hope this wellbeing centre has experience with autistic traits. I too have tried to speed up the process by chasing for other places that do diagnosis and advice about how to cope in the outside world

 

I can identify with having low periods, however I do not identify with clinical depression which can surround any issues I guess. I feel like my low moods are more associated with frustration and confusion with being 'different'. I wouldn't say I was stupid by any means, especially regarding my special interests. I excel in some situations and get confused about how stupid I can feel in others, like when my 3 yr old shows me up in town shouting hello to everyone and not being able to make conversation if they stop to chat to her.

 

I see situations in my mind one way and NT's seem to see the opposite. I have a major mind dilemma about who is right. am I right or wrong ? and often get low periods surrounding the frustration of this dilemma, and often feel either im losing my mind or lost it long ago not knowing if im totally right or totally wrong about how I perceive the world around me. e.g. how I can see such an easy ending to war in the world, but 6 billion other people in the world seem to think this in unachieveable and is quite frankly a joke! WHY???

 

so yes depressive periods do exist with autism/Asperger, but I see the low moods as an effect of the anxiety to do with my Asperger, not from simple clinical depression. I think you need to explore more inside your mind and discuss openly with others here the things you experience so together we can all make sense of this confusing world we seem to exist in...

 

'living' is not a term I often relate to, as NT 'life' is quite different to mine

 

stay strong, try to learn that patience is the art of 'waiting without waiting'

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Went to the wellbeing centre. It wasn't very private, for one you have to be buzzed in so you're standing in the high street for all to see whilst you wait fir them to open door. Secondly there's no private rooms just a few chairs with screens round them. I found this a bit difficult to explain myself so in the end I kind of just threw the list at her and siad its all in there. Shes booked me in for an initial assessment with somebody but its not until 3 weeks time. I need help now, I've waited 6 months for CBT and now have to wait 3 weeks for this. Not sure what type of therapy they will recommend to me either.

 

Now feel like I have to keep explaining myself to my family to justify why I'm off work this week. Not sure whether to make an emergency appointment with a doctor for today or to just keep waiting for therapy???

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Well I rang and spoke to a doctor just now. She was brilliant, very understanding and couldn't believe how long I've waited for CBT. She also believes I could be on the spectrum and also said it is a good idea to get the CBT pychologists input first before going forward for autism assessments. She has prescribed me some antidepressants which should help with my anxiety, low mood and OCD. She said they should take the edge off a bit which will help me function better day to day. I need to make an appointment to see her in a few weeks time to discuss how I'm doing.

 

Hopefully it should lift my mood and I'll start feeling better soon.

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Went to the wellbeing centre. It wasn't very private, for one you have to be buzzed in so you're standing in the high street for all to see whilst you wait fir them to open door. Secondly there's no private rooms just a few chairs with screens round them. I found this a bit difficult to explain myself so in the end I kind of just threw the list at her and siad its all in there. Shes booked me in for an initial assessment with somebody but its not until 3 weeks time. I need help now, I've waited 6 months for CBT and now have to wait 3 weeks for this. Not sure what type of therapy they will recommend to me either.

Now feel like I have to keep explaining myself to my family to justify why I'm off work this week. Not sure whether to make an emergency appointment with a doctor for today or to just keep waiting for therapy???

You are going through so much and not finding anything particularly helpful due to the waiting times, this is an all too familiar topic here unfortunately.

I've experienced the same things and feel very much the same but even though things are problematic at the moment for you it won't be forever things do get better, that's what I do focus on the times that have been good and the fact I will be there again these feelings are temporary and you can deal with them.

You don't have to keep explaining yourself you may feel like it I've felt the same but honestly you don't need to, if they say about the possibility of losing your job then ask them to help you listen to your concerns and fears and help you where you need the help not a statement of a preconceived perspective of how things should be if you were coping.

I'm not saying you haven't or they haven't helped it's not a criticism it's the help you need now today and the help you need with fluctuate depending on many factors and the support you need needs to reflect this.

Sometimes it's hard for others to help as they can't feel what your feeling so you need to explain and they need to listen.

I've been where you are but in a different way, I've hated the world hated my family hated myself and only when you realise and except life with all its problems and being autistic and in my case diabetic can you begin to cope better.

It doesn't get better or easier what changes is the expectations you have of yourself what you feel the world should be like to how it is once it's within the mind that your one way the worlds the other and the two won't meet at least anytime soon you start living with it not resisting it.

The stress anxiety fears decrease not go away but coping becomes easier and so does the quality of life within the things you do and what people say doesn't matter so much because you have excepted yourself and know it's ignorance and lack of care for the autistic which isn't your fault or responsibility. I'm not referring to your family there but life and people in general.

I've found it helps me at least when I was so low I couldn't go any lower I started to get and feel better after discovering how I need to cope the alternative I didn't want to contemplate.

Should you go to a doctor today that depends how bad you feel, your unlikely to get to see a councillor quicker but they may decide to put you on medication for depression a standard responce in my experience or something different to cope with the feelings that work instantly.

I'm only speaking for myself medication didn't work for me I fought back myself and cope not brilliantly but I cope and trying to find work that is a decision only you can make on what's best for you.

Hope that may help in some way it's my experience may not be right for you, but whatever you decide remember it's only temporary you will feel better always keep that in mind helps to keep you strong.

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Well I rang and spoke to a doctor just now. She was brilliant, very understanding and couldn't believe how long I've waited for CBT. She also believes I could be on the spectrum and also said it is a good idea to get the CBT pychologists input first before going forward for autism assessments. She has prescribed me some antidepressants which should help with my anxiety, low mood and OCD. She said they should take the edge off a bit which will help me function better day to day. I need to make an appointment to see her in a few weeks time to discuss how I'm doing.

Hopefully it should lift my mood and I'll start feeling better soon.

That's a positive step I know how hard it can be to make that telephone call sometimes, your doing what's right for you and each day is one day less until you get your assessment and know categorically the diagnosis.

From what you have said it seems clear to me your autistic but nobody ever makes a decision without following a process it's frustrating but a fact. It will give a certain peace of mind but you can change your life to what makes you feel better now it's just making your own decisions on your well being.

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I totally agree with livelife here, you are young still and seem to have parents that you cant turn to, this is relate to. There are always more questions than answers when it comes to matters like this, but the solution, or at least part of it, is to come here and share your experiences before the stress sets in.

 

its harsh to read about parents who are complaining that you're not at work. if they had a car crash would they go into work the next day? does this make them lazy? no it doesn't. an illness or injury is 'same same but different' as they say in Thailand. one needs time to recover or at least time to convalesce so that when we return to work we are 100% or as near to it as the world allows.

 

I guess if you have nobody else to turn to we are always here, however if at least one of your parents can at least try to understand then I can see your troubles melting away slowly but surely.

 

ive been waiting a long time for diagnosis, but have learnt these things take time, especially with autism as it isn't so clearly defined as one might hope. I call it 'the art of waiting without waiting'

 

whilst practicing this art I have come to my own conclusions prior to officla doctors notes etc, I know myself and its justa matter of time before they recognise it as I have, along with my sister and gf. ( ai am also dyslexic, incase you haven't noticed).

 

I have come to my own conclusions and asked the doctor for all the relevant meds to control my mood and anxiety issues. I take the meds prescribed for aspie's because there are logical reason for doing this without the need for diagnosis. im often anxious and worry about things, and am prone to mood swings and/or stress attacks, so I take my amyltriptiline to enhance my mood. I have propranolol to avoid stress in busy situations like town or social events I cant get away with skipping. and I have supply of diazepam for when its gone past the point where positive mental attitude can help me. last resort.

 

o feel ive taken reasonable steps and am persuing diagnosis but do not rely on it. as I said I know myself and Asperger describes me better than anyone or anything else has.

 

you have taken the first steps now, waiting without waiting, you've asked for some meds to help calm your mood, you're doing all that you can. im sure others will agree that impatience is a part of anxiety which often arises from ASD's so you are NOT alone.

 

the CBt people will talk to about noticing triggers to anxiety, working out coping strategies you can endulge in when you're feeling it coming on (I take my meds and put my strategy war game on my pc and get lost in it for a couple of hours and often helps, you will have yours too). my last session involved 'thinking errors', apparently this is when we have positive emoptions we have positive thoughts and when we have negative emotions we can make negative thoughts into thinking errors. my therapist said my mind is like a naughty puppy and often wonders off to places where it shouldn't be and doesn't need to be, this is often a trigger point to my anxiety.

 

I guess the motto there is try to be positive. I am also new to this, it was brought to my attention in 2007 but I was in denial, obviously linking autism with a negaitive feeling leading to my thinking error ( I might start a topic on this)

 

so I guess what you've done is wrongly deduce the possible outcomes of the assessment and your parents reactions to what you haven't yet properly discussed with them.

 

Try to instead recognise that we are all here and have same or similar issues and try to find some kind of comfort knowing that at least we will listen

 

sometimes the cogs (in the NT world) turn slow, but they do turn

 

many of us seek acceptance, you're not alone on that one either.

 

just try to think deeply and calmly about what I mean about 'waiting without waiting'

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Just a quick reply, Florence, as I'm very tired and never slept last night. I can't really add much to what LL and Mr S have said. I too always seem to be having to wait for things - which itself adds to the stress. At last I have my first CBT appointment on Tuesday - but it's over the phone. Apparently the first one is done that way. I'm not sure what to expect or what state I'll be in, but we'll see.

I've never taken medication or been offered it, but I know we react very differently to anti-depressants. Don't expect a fast improvement, or even any, for they don't work with all of us. http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/drugs/antidepressants

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. :)

Edited by Mihaela

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I was prescribed Sertraline just to help take the edge off everything. I'm obviously still on the waiting list for CBT so hopefully by the time I'm having therapy, the meds will have helped a little. I know theres no quick fix and I've got a long way to go.

 

This time last year, I was probably the happiest I've been for a long time. I don't know why, just like I don't know why I feel so low now. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

Thanks as usual for all your advice and wisdom. Much appreciated.

 

Have any of you been on sertraline? What side effects did you have and how long did they last? I've researched it and the side effects don't sound pleasant. My younger sister had to come off them as they caused her to feel sick all the time and fatigued.

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Most side effects can be unpleasant but not everybody experiences having them but for some it can cause additional problems that in my opinion makes the original reason for taking them worse if it's anxiety based.

I've never taken those I was prescribed citalapram so I can't give any thoughts on the ones they have given you. Personally I found they did little to help me as when everything was working as planned I was ok but when a lot of situations combined I still had my anxiety and meltdowns so the doctor took me off of them.

They may be perfect for you only time will tell but if you do have side effects or any other concerns it's easy enough to go back to the doctor.

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How are you getting on a few days later your maybe feeling a little more positive than you were, keep us all informed about your progress hope your starting to feel better.

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Yes, I'm doing much better thanks.

The Sertraline has given me minimal side effects and has really helped to stabilise my mood.

I had a long chat with a friend the other night and she helped me to realise that the way I think isn't neccessarily a bad thing, just different. I'm starting to accept myself a little more I guess. Although I'm reminded of my struggles all the time at work when I give facts or statements in conversations. Nobody else seems to know alot of the useless info I seem to take in, I always thought everybody knew pointless stuff, turns out I know more than most!

 

I managed to drag my backside (just) back to work today. It was a struggle and I did feel pretty detached and out of my depth despite knowing my job inside out and back to front. I work with young children and I find myself more and more just observing them rather than interacting with them. I find it fascinating watching them learning so much about the world, themselves and each other. I find myself really having to make an effort to interact because I've just realised that it doesn't come naturally to me. I watch my colleagues at work and how they all interact with the children and each other and realise that I'm an observer.

 

Anyways hope all of you guys are doing ok atm.

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Its good see your getting on better now even though your still having to deal with certain issues your doing it no matter how your feeling that's all you can do and its working for you now.

What you say about being an observer is exactly the same as I see things, I have been observing all my life ive never felt apart of anything especially in a work environment interacting with them was an impossibility.

The best I could do was try to imitate but that was never an effective way to appear like them and caused many problems but that is a thing of the past now I don't do that I am me and that's the way it is, there are still problems but life is easier not so much trauma in everyday life.

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Sorry, there was technical glitch again. The same happened the other day. The post double posts and the first one is incomplete and ends with "%2". very strange. :/

Edited by Mihaela

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I'm so pleased to hear that you're coping better and that the Sertraline is harmlessly doing what it's supposed to. I hope that remains so.

 

Your friend is right. None of us should see our thinking methods as a bad thing, and we must put this uniqueness about us to good use. We must never be ashamed of the way we are. We are a lot more principled than the average neurotypical person, and we should never forget that.

 

I'm an infoholic, I collect many things, and information is one of them. I don't just collect it for the sake of it, for I make use of it too, I've always had an insatiable love of learning (which makes me a philomath) and I think it's me trying to make sense of the world and the behaviour of the people within it. Collecting is a classic Aspie coping mechanism. I have to be careful that my obsessive compulsive collecting doesn't reach the hoarding level and take over my home. Don't ever think what you know is pointless. It may seem pointless to most people, but it isn't to you, and nor would it be to certain others. However, I do find the NT world obsessed with truly pointless trivia - such as celebrity gossip, the 'soaps', etc. We should have better things to do with our minds than let the mass media (which only exists to make money for already rich people) take us over.

Unlike you, I get on very well with children and meet them at their own level. I worked with children for about 20 years, mainly girls (3-15). I find boys generally more difficult for I identify with them less, and they tend to be more rowdy, which makes me stressed. I don't like to see aggression in anyone - child or adult. Emotionally, I'm like a 12yo so I get on best with that age group - more so than with NT adults. I feel a lot safer with children or animals, for NT adults have caused all my bad experiences in life (they also have had hidden agendas, which I find threatening - control, money, sexual, etc.). I'm too trusting and have become very wary of their hidden motives through bitter experience. Although I casually observe children (for I understand them), I closely observe adults - for I don't properly understand them - and never will. I also get on very well with adults with learning difficulties. Have you any idea why you find yourself interacting less with the children?


Edited by Mihaela

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I managed to work all week and actually enjoyed getting back into my usual routine. I definately feel as though the medication is helping. My anxiety is not as bad as it had been and I've managed to get a bit more control over my OCD.

 

I have an appointment at the wellbeing centre tomorrow after work and I'm starting to feel really stressed out about it. I'm not very good at articulating my feelings and emotions and I'm going to be seeing a stranger whom I have not met before. I don't know what to expect or what they will ask me. I've only got an initial assessment tomorrow and last time I went I left my list with them to put with my notes so I'm hoping that helps to get the conversation about my difficulties going.

 

Has anyone got any advice they could offer?

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