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I am in some serious need of advice

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I am in need of some advice, I really feel like I am losing things slowly and I am going to explode. A little back history, I have been under some form of mental health services for the past 10 years, first diagnosis was OCD, then Borderline Personality Disorder, which I had very intense therapy for. About just over three years ago I sort a second opinion as I didn't agree with what I was diagnosed with. I went through a three appointment assessment, which one of my parents attended. Outcome was a diagnosis of Aspergers and ADHD, with mood cycling diagnosis. They felt my self-harm was due to a realisation that I was not achieving all that I had been expected, purely existing. This was done private and I was never able to take it further because there was no room for discussing it further with my then mental health team.

 

From 2010 I was employed part-time in a local supermarket, it was very stressful and anxiety provoking, but the routine of my job got me through. Late last year I went full time and moved up to a supervisor. Soon everything fell apart. I like to do things the right way, no rule breaking. Which didn't go down too well, but let me say, this wasn't just small rule breaking, some of it was just pure un-professional. My department manager refused to back me up, saying "if you want routine, then this isn't the job for you". There was no structure in this role and I asked if he could give me set tasks each shift, so I wasn't stood doing nothing. I was given the role of observations on staff, so when I failed someone I was in the wrong. There was bullying on top of it. It got to the point earlier this year after 4 months full time in this position I was severely self-harming, spending time in A&E to the early hours before 2 hours of sleep before another day at work. In the end I handed my notice in. I know that the main issue at work was my need for routine/structure, also I don't think like others, so it became an issue when I couldn't understand their way of thinking. I have no way of communicating anything verbally and the situation got out of hand. If someone told me they would do something say at x,y and z, I would expect it done and couldn't understand why they would say it then not do it.

 

Anyway after leaving, I literally had maybe two people contact me, it was kept so quiet at work, that some people thought I was on holiday two months after I left. A few more people stayed in contact, but again it would be me contacting them. I would get told "don't be a stranger". One person I got on well with, I asked if they could pick my p45 up as I needed it asap to send off to benefits. They were well aware that I had no income and financially things weren't good. So I text them and asked if they picked up, they said they hadn't, but would the next day, didn't hear anything, so text again, x who they had to get it from wasn't in until 2 days later, so would do it then. I heard noting, so on purpose I didn't contact this person for over a month. By that point I had got a letter from head office saying my p45 will be sent out. That month past, in the end I had to phone my ex-employer, they still had it, they held onto it for over a month for no reason. So I also contacted the said person above just to clarify they hadn't picked it up and could they respond asap due to the situation, they read the message, but didn't reply. Then later that night this is the text I got "hi, haven't heard from you in a while, did you get your money sorted". I wanted to lose it and say "obviously not as I don't have my p45 that you said you would collect, and by the way I haven't heard from you either".

 

I am awful for not understanding communication between two people, I read things totally wrong, get attached when I think people are being nice, when it is probably politeness more than anything else. My lack of understanding communication has led to me losing it like never before. After the last few months I was referred back for urgent therapy and was put under the CMHT. The CMHT were not helping and when I finally told them about my aspergers diagnosis, they brought someone in to the room and said "they have OCD and has rituals about keeping routine". They ignored everything I said. They then made me an appointment 3 weeks later when I was meant to be in contact weekly due to medication change. Something happened later to this appointment, which led me writing a letter to be discharged. They have tried phoning and left a voicemail, but I cannot listen to it. There is lots more, but I don't understand how people can go three months without responding to a message. I had a letter from GP last week to call the surgery, but I can't, I don't want to see them anymore. There are issues with family where no one bothers about each other. No effort is made and no one ever contacts me to see how I am. I have serious issues with my mum and we went three months recently with no contact. I went to see her after getting a call from my uncle asking me to see her as he was worried and she isn't getting younger.

 

To kind of get to the end of the story, I have a facebook account but in all the years have never made a status, but yesterday after everything spilt over, I made a nasty status saying I was going to experiment and act like others do. So if they don't hear from me anything up to three months it is because I have such a busy and fulfilling life that I can't even pop by and say "hi". I have never done anything like this ever, but I feel like I am going to explode.

 

Last week I had an assessment for therapy (for the BPD diagnosis), was pretty much told, I am too unwell for therapy right now, if and when I start group therapy if I self-harm my place will be suspended, that I am not to talk about the past. That I provoke my mum by telling her what I feel let down by (as a child). They have enough notes on me so they don't need to know my history, oh and the group therapy is for me to talk about sexual intimacy as I have never been in a relationship. She wanted to know how I manage sexually having never been with anyone. That it is worrying.

 

My head is so messed up and I am for ever losing people around me. Issue is I can come across so intelligent and adept, but I have learnt to be this way. You know when they say a swan is graceful but under the water their feet are kicking hard, that is me.

 

I really don't know what to do, I am never nasty to anyone, always there to help when needed. But I cannot deal with relating to others and how relationships work. I cannot believe what I did yesterday. I haven't logged on since, because I am scared of what might have been said. No one has ever seen this, I turn everything inwards and any anger I feel towards anyone, I punish myself with. I literally have a housing support worker and one friend in my life at the moment. I am unemployed and pretty much spend everyday by myself. The worst thing is one of my parent's works with a child with autism and they show so much passion and involvement, they comfort the child when they are anxious, where I get no support. My parent does believe that I have aspergers, but then when at my uncle's a few weeks ago, they said "yeah you think you have that aspergers", funny that, you were in the assessment and answered all the questions about me as a child. Now you making me look like an idiot.

 

Sorry for how long this is, I don't know where to turn. No one gets that at my age I cannot understand how people make and keep friends or how disagree in a relationship or to express opinion. I can boil over easily, but generally it is with those who I feel are ignoring my feelings, which I struggle to express, hence the self-harm.

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Sorry been trying to edit this post, as I noticed I had mentioned something relating to harm that shouldn't have been there. Hadn't used the site for so long, hadn't come to mind. If the post needs to be deleted please do so, as I cannot find a way of deleting it myself. Apologies

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The post can stay because there's no details into how you are self harming.

 

Do you agree with the bpd diagnosis? If you don't then you shouldn't have to do dbt. You could have post traumatic stress disorder caused by a traumatic past something that's confused with bpd.

 

Hope things improve for you soon. Could you contact your local mind support group or nas branch for support?

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You've written that really well, I'm in exactly the same boat pretty much all the way. I know what your feeling, same here.

 

Far as offering you some advice salibury i'll share what's working for me. No.1 music (radio/you tube) No.2 exercise (make a point of it) No.3 focus not distraction (long as it avoids all the stuff)

 

Take care mate let me know how you get on

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im sorry to read that you have had so much trouble. I was diagnosed with BPD as well; I think its almost an automatic diagnoses they give to people when they don't know what is really the truth. I know I don't have BPD, or any of the other things I was diagnosed with (other than my Epilepsy). Its difficult, but when you have ASD or something along those lines, you struggle to communicate; its like you say one thing and everyone else has heard another.

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I have cptsd which is very similar to bpd. I am in therapy after 20 years of fighting and they seem to understand my aspergers.

 

I have found the mindinfoline invaluable. Is there any local support for aspergers or autistic folk? Do you have an autism strategy in place in your area?

 

Hope this forum can help you find peace.

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I have Aspergers. My depression and anxiety has got worse. But there is a meeting with the mental health and me to find why I am still depressed and what support can give. Yet in the meantime my anxiety is severe so I am seeing gp tomorrow for some medication. I need answers why I am still depressed and want them to look at maybe I have other mental health condition which I need treatment for. It is very difficult to cope with Autism as well and my mind is so muddled up. I want to be able to clear the mess in my brain it doesn't switch off.

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Ten years ago, I wasted a lot of time and money on conventional counselling after I had my "mid life crisis". I thought it had got me well on my way to being "cured", and because of that I ended up doing things that I hadn't done before, but was confident I could do now. It got me in a bigger mess than I've ever been in, and I still haven't got out of it.

 

Tony Attwood makes an important point in his book "The Complete Guide to Aspergers", where he's a strong advocate of CBT, but that it must be administered by people who understand ASD. I think seeing mental health "experts" who don't understand Aspergers may well cause more problems, rather than solve them. Having said that, it was a mental health nurse who set the ball rolling with getting me a diagnosis, so enlightened mental health people are out there.

 

I think if I have to get involved with health professionals outside the ASD field again, I will insist on finding out what their knowledge of ASD is, before I let them mess with my head.

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