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Smell - Please help

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Hi, this is my first post and I am desperate for some advice please...

 

My son is almost 18, diagnosed Aspergers and ADD, he used to more ADD prominent but the last 2 years it seems to have shifted some and his Asperger's is more obvious now.

 

He refuses to wash, to shower or bath, he doesn't brush his teeth or change his bed sheets/clothes for washing. If I make him shower/wash I pay the price after because every single time it is the starts/ends with the most horrendous arguments, and when he finally gets into the bathroom he pretends to shower, he just put's water on his head, stays in the bathroom for about 10 mins and comes out (still in a foul mood) again. If I say he hasn't showered all hell breaks loose again.

 

I have a long term illness and stress can make me very ill, bringing on an relapse, so this constant battling is exhausting, mentally and physically.

 

Not only this but he works 3.00pm - 11.00pm but when he gets in he is on his computer until approx. 1.00-1.30AM and then sleeps until 2.00pm the next day, where he gets up and goes off to work and the whole cycle starts again each day. It doesn't matter what I say, he still feels he has a right to sleep until 2.00pm and never bother to get up earlier and help with chores around the house (I work full time and struggle to keep the house in order, animals seen to, keeping my son in the 'real world' and keeping myself well with all the stress)

 

The final nail in the coffin is that there is an awful disgusting smell in his room, a smell I have never smelt before so I cannot even describe it, other to say it actually makes me want to vomit and when he opens his door I can smell it wafting down the stairs into the lounge. I have tried everything I can think of to get rid of it, redecorated (which helped for a while but the smell came back), threw out and bought new pillows/duvet, curtains, had him steam the floor and made him sort through the stuff strewn across the floor but the smell is still there! Air fresheners, automatic ones, burning incense, it all helps mask the smell but it comes back straight after, seems to be worse when he's got the window and door closed during the night because when the door is opened in the morning the smell is very strong.....He of course sys he can't smell anything, that it's all in my head and only I can smell it...but it isn't, I have had two other peoples witness it as well!

 

HELP........

 

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Hi I'm one of the volunteer mods on here.

 

I've had a problem with hygiene in the past. Until someone saw why I was avoiding the shower I was unable to be able to have some showers. I have other disabilities which can impact my ability to shower.

 

Here's the possible reasons why he's not showering

 

1, he forgets due to poor short term memory.

2, It causes physical pain

3, there's been a traumatic experience in the bathroom in the past making showering mentally impossible for him

4, he has no energy to shower (coping with any disability uses energy others don't realise)

5, he overly sweats as soon as he gets out the shower so doesn't seem the point in having one and/or is addicted to gluten and dairy which hypersweating is a cause

6, he feels he wouldn't get it right due to the number of steps required to shower so can't contemplate starting one.

7, showering is an overloading sensory experience for him

8, concentrating on showering is too much for him

9, he's communicating depression to you in the only way he can. The anger is another sign of secondary depression.

10, the smell of deodorant or antiperspirant is overpowering the feel of water is too much temperature etc wise.

11, difficulties deciding what to wear following a shower

 

Behaviour that is difficult to understand is very common in autism. No amount of explaining why showering is important or the consequences of not showering is going to work. If you tell him people won't sit near him or talk to him if he's smelly and they do it will confuse him. You have to find a way of finding the route cause of the behaviour. This could mean bringing in a support worker for yourself so you have more energy to devote to supporting your son.

 

Can you apply for PIP benefit for him? Then you can claim carers allowance for yourself. There could also be carers support groups in your area.

 

The feel of water made me shudder so badly I dislocated my shoulder due to my eds, standing in the shower causes my joints to dislocate, I can go dizzy in the shower, problems deciding what to wear, feel of certain towels is scratchy to me, some antiperspirants make me sneeze, some shower products cause hyperactive behaviour,

 

Hope this has given you some pointers into understanding your son's behaviour.

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Hi Thanks for responding, I have asked him why he doesn't like showering, thinking it could be sensory, but he just replies he can't be bothered and he just doesn't care about whether he smells or not or what other people may think, he just digs his heels in and just doesn't car about his appearance or hygeine so it doesn't bother him if people think otherwise. But you know I could kind of cope with that, it's the smell in his room I absolutely can't because it affects my life having to live in the smell so it makes me feel dirty and smelly as well as the house.It really does make me want to vomit.

 

There is no way at all he would consider a support worker or even go to the GP, he is adamant he does not have Aspergers or any problems, he feels it's the rest of the world that has the problem, and you're right, no amount of telling will change his mind, if it's black he will argue that it's white.

 

I was claiming DLA for him a couple of years ago but one the last renewal it was declined and tbh I haven't the energy to fight about it because a lot of things he can physically do, it's the 'common sense' things he struggles with and they way the PIP scores are, I doubt they would award it now, and as he would have to claim for himself, there is no way he would agree to it as he feels he doesn't have a problem!

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Hes severely depressed and is rejecting the world that's why he appears not to care. I have been the "I hate the world" person. Even 3 breakdowns later I still hate the world from time to time. He seems to think life is about sleeping, eating, pc games and work sounds depressed to me.

 

Why doesn't he care? Has anything happened before he started refusing showers or has he always been like this?

 

I have to be reminded to brush my teeth and use deodrant and I'm in my late 30s.

 

It is possible he can't smell or even likes the smell. Sensory issues can interfere with our sense of smell.

 

When I was his age the smell of black coffee made me wanna vomit. I had to leave a few metres between me and a black coffee drinker. The taste of garden peas were like grass to me as well. The bangs in crackers made me jump.

 

The support worker and GP idea were for yourself as his carer. See if you can have a telephone appointment whilst he's out at work with the gp. There is always a solution even if you don't see it straight away.

 

Could he have the same disabilities as yourself on top of his aspergers? I was dislocating my joints for over 30 years before I got an eds diagnosis. One of the signs was refusing to shower. I had no other way of communicating pain and pushing people away was another sign.

 

Please avoid wording his aspergers implying he does or doesnt have a problem. I can see you are frustrated and asking for help but disabilities aren't problems.

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I can honestly say I have not a clue why he won't wash/shower, I have always had to make sure he had a bath/shower/wash while he was growing up but when he is 6ft 2 at 17, it's obviously very difficult to make him shower/wash, all I can do is verbally keep on at him. I figured last night he is actually staying up until 3-4am on his computer when he gets in from work at 11.30pm so it's little wonder he is so tired the next day huh? Again why he does this is another of life's mysteries.

 

No, I can say 100% that he does not have the same illness/difficulties as me, mine is M.S so I know first hand how tiring and what a struggle disability is....

 

I'm not sure that he is depressed per se, yes he had a terrible time at school/college with bullying and it was around the time he was 15 that washing became a problem, the time that a teenager becomes more aware of their body and obviously once he stepped into the teens it was no longer appropriate for me to be near to the bathroom when he washed in order to make sure he did. It's like he knows he can get away with not doing it now...but I don't know the reason. I approached the subject of if it is a sensory reason or if not, what may bother him,but tbh he just shuts me down and refuses to talk about it, his reply to everything in life when he doesn't want to deal with it is "I don't know" and that's where the door slams shut.

 

I don't think my GP would actually discuss him with me due to his age, it would have to be consented I would imagine and there is no way he would agree to it, also there is no way he will see anyone as he firmly believes he has no problem. This is why I have tried to make him aware that his condition does have a name and there is help, I don't say it to imply he has a problem but from my position I would disagree, disabilities do and can cause a problem if they aren't acknowledged and managed.

I feel my son needs to acknowledge his lack of hygiene is causing a very big problem, now it may not affect him but it for sure is affecting me living in the same house.

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Don't know if this will help or not but I discovered some work arounds some years ago for body odour.

Iv'e never been able to tolerate perfumes or deodrants.

My son used smellies like lynx etc. (which actually smell like BO to me) and there is nothing worse than the combination of body odour and perfumes. The perfume does't mask just blends with it.

(I used to encourage him to use diluted savlon which is not available anymore).

Anyway, make up a litre of isopropyl alcohol 70% with 30% water. Once cut this way it is whats known as rubbing alcohol.

You can buy it on ebay neat or mixed.

Fill a cheap sprayer (from hair section in shops) and use for smelly areas inbetween washing. It really does deodorise ( kills bacteria). Great for armpits etc. Not wise to over use or use on cuts as it will sting broken skin.... but spray on area...rub on / leave for 30 seconds (to kill bacteria) then dry off with tissue. Its quick and works for extended periods (days+).

Its also great for kitchen taps, worktops and windows. Also a good additive to car window washer (alcohol stops washer bottle freezing too)

Most of these hand gels contain it.

Been using this mix for 10 years or more ...(cheaper in bulk ie 20 ltrs))

If you try it be sure to let your son know its industrial alcohol and not for drinking. Run it past your GP if worried....and store safely as its flammable.

Also, teabags are really great at absorbing smells - well worth a try, I use them in my car in a net bag!.... Also I like drying rosemary or rosemary essential oil mixed with the rubbing alcohol in a sprayer as an airfreshener.

Good luck, I hate horrible niffs! Let battle commence :)

Edited by jack schitt

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