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Ddoggy

girlfriend with Asperger's

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Hi all

I recently split with my girlfriend of a few years. We are in our 30s, yet I was her first boyfriend ever which always puzzled me as she met me in her late 20s!

She was warm, kind, loyal and patient. She never played games and was very straightforward. I also felt during the relationship that there was something 'amiss' with her behaviour that I couldn't relate to. She had slightly atypical pronunciation, atypical voice and walk/gait, would dress oddly at times (very practical but not feminine), and a history of failed careers/qualifications despite being very intelligent. She sometimes described thinking in patterns/shapes/images. She was big on family but less so on friends.

She was also a very patient and compassionate listener for others (not self-obsessed), and liked to laugh, could laugh at herself too: which is NOT typical Asperger's?

The relationship ended with her wanting a completely clean break so we are not talking: yet conversely I am not sure she had insight into the problems she struggled with, and I wish I had known during the relationship. Any ideas what to do?

Thank you

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Hello and welcome

Im not sure where you have read about aspergers folk being self obsessed and unable to laugh at oneself... That is inaccurate information. (will add more information later) 

Many Asperger folk are in caring roles look at Chris packham for example he cares for animal wildlife. I personally run a support organisation for asperger folk. Last night I offered to give a friend of mine a lift in my car as he's hurt his knee. 

There's an expression "when you've met one person with aspergers you've met one person with aspergers". 

As the how to support her that's a difficult one, very fine line between showing concern and potentially going into stalking behaviour.

If you have her address or email address you could anonymously send her information about aspergers. Then see if you find out through mutual friends whether she's done anything with the information. You can find a way to 'open the door' it's up to her whether she goes through it. 

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Hello and thanks for this trekster. I still find asperger a difficult concept to even sum up and get my head around. I would feel hesitant anonymously sending the information and she might think it a criticism if someone anonymous said 'you have this condition'. I'm not sure really what to do.

Also how can I be sure that she definitely IS asperger? Based on a lot of online checklists, I would say very likely, but not sure I'm qualified to say

Edited by Ddoggy

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The problem is even a diagnostician cannot be sure. Wait and see if she changes her mind about talking to you. Then start talking about it gently.... "have you heard of autism", "do you feel more at home when on holiday abroad", "do you find animals easier to understand than people". Keep us up to date and hopefully we can talk you through how to help her. Look up female traits of aspergers and leave it lying round in her area. 

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Thanks trekster. Alas i have NO contact with her as she has cut me off. And no mutual friends as she didn't really have friends, a couple that she seemed fond of but I wouldn't say there was much of a bond with (between her and them), and I never met them. Her family she was close to, but I only ever saw them through her, so that avenue is gone too.

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