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AJS95

Social anxiety & building relationships

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I'm 26, suffer with adhd, aspergers, depression and have severe social anxiety. In 2019 I left my ex wife with whom I had a daughter, the relationship was very toxic, she was very manipulative and controlling and having had counceling I now realise she was "gaslighting". I have always suffered with social anxiety but since being with my ex wife it has become a lot worse and makes it incredibly hard to build and maintain relationships including friends/family etc. 

 

I have recently entered a new relationship now I feel comfortable enough to move on, we're taking it very slowly and have been dating since november 2020. Yesterday I met her mum for the first time, but due to social anxiety I could barely engage in any conversation. I'm trying hard to be confident, be myself and not let social anxiety control and define me but I'm scared that it will ruin our relationship in the long term. This is obviously not what I want, I'm trying to help myself but need some guidance. Can anyone suggest anything I can try? 

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It is normal to feel some amount of anxiety even for people without any conditions. Things that could help to deal with anxiety inducing situations depends largely on your individual, but often can include firstly letting others know about your condition(s), things that could make the situation less unpredictable- ie talking through with your partner beforehand whats the general plan, and some things that may likely happen, etc, (keeping in mind that obviously some things may change and its ok-easier said than done, i know), finding something that works for you to reduce stress if things get too much, ie, planning where you can go to have some space and calm down, or some item you can fidget with, etc, and finding something that would help reduce stress before or after the event, ie a comforting ritual, having 5 minutes to chill listening to music, some like yoga or meditation, some like arranging or doubble checking some things etc. If your partner understands your situation, they shoudl be able to accommodate it at least to some extent to make it easier for you, keeping in mind that any relationship is give and take, meaning if she is going out of her way to adjust and accommodate, you should try do so aswell, when you can. There will be some things you cant do as well as expected, but there are certainly things you can do for her, and can do them well. Im sure of it. Relationships tend to fail if the (generally multiple)needs of one or both parties is persistently unmet(ignored)/insufficiently met. Communications is important (unfortunately!). If you find out what she wants or needs and what her visions for the future are and let her know yours, i am sure you two can figure things out:)

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Your feelings regarding your experiences with your ex wife are totally understandable. I had to leave my last place because of gaslighting myself.

I haven't been dating recently myself so am unable to give much advice. Be guided on what your new partner says. Ask your partner what their mother likes to talk about. Then pick 2 or 3 of her hobbies that you both have in common and go from there.

My mother likes to talk about serial dramas, my latest embroidery pieces, what I've been doing that week. So I stick to those subjects.

I'm currently working on starts and ends to conversations. I'm particularly hard at ending conversations.

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